Some thoughts?

It's tough even to type this for obvious reasons.

First off, I haven't left the house in 15 days. (even for a minute -- nothing to do out there)

I assume have AvPD coupled with SP. Having both of them is obviously very straining on my life. People want me to do things and I decline. Anything I truly would enjoy to do, I run through all the possiblities of what could happen in my head, and eventually decide not to do it for one reason or another. The obligations I do have are usually all-consuming and ruin the peaceful time I normally have. At times I really think it would be beneficial to go out and mingle with people and what not. Then, I just think that the people would shun me and consider me some kind of annoying gnat bothering them and decide against that.

I also don't take very kindly to criticism. If someone says: "I believe you could alter this a bit to make it better", I have no problem. If someone says: "You are [anything unappealing]" or if they insult something that I do, I become extremely hurt on the inside and immediately leave. (it doesn't hurt like bruising a big ego, it hurts like smashing a tiny one) I try to please everyone and I don't think I've ever challenged anyone's opinion or did anything to anyone that I wouldn't want done to myself.

The problem is that when I do try to mingle with people, they actually do shun me and insult me quite often. I've never quite understood it. People either:

1 -- Don't talk to me or don't include me fully.
2 -- Seem like they'd rather be talking to someone else.
3 -- Aren't amused by my humor. (close friends find me very funny and we frequently laugh for literally 30 minutes at a time, alternating humor)
4 -- Completely ignore me and offer bland "Uh huh" or "Mhmm" answers.

Number 4 really bothers me. When I talk to anyone willing, I completely engross myself in what the conversation is about. I bring up ideas and respect what it is that they want to say, and I contribute. When I talk to 75% of people, they either just seem completely bored, or offer nothing to make the conversation better and simply rely on "Mhmm" and "Yeah" until I run out of topics. (and I eventually leave and never talk to them again for the same reason)

I just wonder what I'm doing wrong. They seem to talk fine with everyone else. People seem to mingle with others that have glaring flaws (ugly, mean, freeloader, lazy, unintelligent, boastful, flashy, loud, wasteful), but they never like me. I know I'm intelligent, handsome, caring, driven, and most importantly much wiser than 99% of people my age. (I won't try anything once, I won't risk myself for a girl, I won't drink etc.) Still, this isn't enough to make other people even consider me as a potential friend. I'm either used for help and assistance, or just ignored. Sure it sucks, but I'm used to it.

Now, I've got more feelings about this. Not only do I dislike the vast majority of people (basically everyone, save about 10 people), I actually start to get REALLY apathetic about life.

ex. I think: "Why bother making friends? I'm going to die someday and it won't really matter because nothing will be here to reflect that." (they'll be dead too)

ex. I think: "I'm very smart and can succeed with my intelligence, but the only thing derived from success is money. Money won't matter because it's not eternal and will not be mine when I eventually die like everyone else."

I know it may sound stupid. I still am going to strive toward my goals. I just don't realize why I feel all these different things.

Lastly, I'm sorry for writing so damn much. I've had no one to tell this to and I hope you can find a bit of yourself in it.

Hookstra thoughts

Too much for me to try to address everything.

You mention some close friends -- maybe you can open more to one or two of them about the rude and insensitive treatment of others. Yes, I find people around me engage in behavior that just encourages my avoidance and no, I don't understand their motivation since I think I'm generally easy to get along with. I've recently tried telling two people I like about what I think is my avoidant personality. Although they seem to want to be supportive, they just don't understand. They still do things that ignore me and my feelings. I've tried pointing out what they do a couple of times and they just don't see why I think that way and appear unable to put themselves in my position, which I find strange.

Anyway, I'm trying to look at it as a mutual education process. I'm still trying to get them to see my point of view so maybe they can help me feel less like withdrawing by being more supportive and I'm also trying to see their point of view so maybe I can translate that into better understanding everybody else who I might feel reject or ignore me, but perhaps do not intend that to be my conclusion.

I still frequently feel bitter because I think people should be able to empathize more with the extreme introvert even if they don't have those feelings themselves. There also has to be some hope or a goal to reach to make it worthwhile to keep trying to reach out to others and maybe occasionally find someone will reach back.

Good luck to you.