socially anxious guys trying to meet women

mrblack

Member
it turns out that with hot women i do tend to get anxious around them and fumble and stumble in my language and body posture. It turns out they will not feel any pity for me and actually feel unattracted to me. They are attracted to nothing but confidence. And I think we guys should get that stored in mind. I see really ugly guys with beautiful women sometimes.

Honestly, they are not going to really want to talk with us about this problem, and there will be no way for any relationship, except maybe a small friendship where she would treat you as one of her girlfriends blirting out all her problems with her real guy friends, while you listen and go "OH REALLY...MAYBE YOU SHOULD..." (and then you stumble into the desperate self advice giver )

First us guys, should learn to communicate with each other, meaning other guys. If we do not have basic communication skills down, where we talk to one another, withouth feeling embarassed or intimidated, then there is no point trying to talk to a girl.

Remember, sometimes it is better to be quiet in a situation, if you are feeling really quesy and jittery, then blurt out something in an awkward tone of voice, and say something that becomes misunderstood, and makes your face sweat etc. But NO DO NOT DO THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!

Try to understand why you become intimidated. Try practicing conversating with people that you may feel intellectually higher than in status terms. Perhaps your intimidation will fade. Then start to recognize that status is not really anything, and once you are confident you can try speaking to anyone.

But the main point of this topic is me asserting that women at least 90 % of the time are solely attracted to a man who is confident, and comfortable in his own shoes. Blurting out our social problems to them won't really be of much help. Neither will making it totally obvious that we are insecure, by our typical social anxiety disorder symtoms. It is better to deal with these problems ourselves, and then begin to approach women in completely casual terms that shoes we are comfortable in our own shoes, while forgetting about the horrbile past confrontations (unless of course we are using them as a tool to not reenact dreadful past situations) Humor will help in this approach. because every body seems to like to laugh right?

Please give your thoughts or experiences. Women also. (perhaps women will be more lenient on this board, since they suffer from s.a.d as well...but i am curious if they feel intimidation around guys etc.)
 

Mysti

Well-known member
Hi :D

I'm curious. What would you define as confident behaviour in a man? The first thing that springs to my mind would be a guy who swaggers up to someone in a bar and spouts 'hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?' I must confess I would absolutely hate that.
Bearing in mind that I've never had a relationship due to basically being housebound for 10yrs and that also means I haven't been to any social scenes for people my age however I find it very uncomfortable to even see the guys who live locally in passing because they leer *shudders* this to me sums up cocky, confident and arrogant behaviour and to be honest I'd much rather meet a guy who was slightly more reserved because it would make me feel more equal and less submissive I guess? Maybe this is due to my own anxiety issues - A guy visited from a electric supplier the other day only about 19 but he was lovely. Chatty, funny but not too 'in your face', plus he was very interested in how my anxiety effects me so definite brownie points hehe.

I think if these 'hot' girls are that dismissive of you due to your slightly jittery nerves and body language they're not worth your time anyway :)
Let's face it anyone in life male or female whether they are usually outgoing or not are going to go into panic mode when approaching someone for the first time - If not then their ego must get lodged in most doorways :wink:
 

Danfalc

Banned
I dont know if your on about meeting girls in general or when your on about sort of getting to know them and forming frienships or relationships?

But if your on about meeting girls in general, well yeah i agree its not best to blurt out your insecurities and stuff when you first meet them,but do often tell them i have an anxiety problem, i mean i dont instantly say it as soon as i meet someone,but if the conversation goes well, ill say somthing like "sorry if im a little quite, im not being off with you, im just really anxious all the time".I mean it relaxes me a little and the other person then knows im being quite because im nervous and im not just being ignorant or somthing.But i mean i do this when im speaking to guys aswell, i feel more cormfortable if ive told someone about it rather than trying to hide it.
 

GettingThere

Well-known member
Mr Black I know exactly what you mean and I do think that what you say applies to quite a few women. But you must remember that we are all different and certainly there are those women who prefer their men to be reserved, gentle and maybe a bit softly spoken.

Its a big world and it truely does take all sorts - and thats a good thing.
 

Nightshade

Well-known member
I personally don't consider confidence in a man something that attracts me. And as far as I'm concerned, the biggest turnoff is arrogance.

It may be because I am horribly anxious around men, but I want to see some sign that they are human.

Once in my life I asked a man out. (I'm still incredibly proud of myself of for doing that even though it came to nothing, by the way.) He was gorgeous, intelligent and interesting (and I'm sure he still is but I haven't seen him in years, probably married with 3 kids by now). I would have expected him to be very confident, if not arrogant. But I could see that he didn't see himself as gorgeous, intelligent and interesting, he was just an ordinary guy like anyone else. Honestly, if he had seemed too confident, it wouldn't even have occured to me to talk to him.
 

mrblack

Member
Mysti said:
Hi :D

I'm curious. What would you define as confident behaviour in a man? The first thing that springs to my mind would be a guy who swaggers up to someone in a bar and spouts 'hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?'

haha...pickup lines are ridiculous, but nonetheless funny. by confident behavior in a man, i mean someone who seems not intimidated by the opposite sex, or her beauty. also being confident by being able to deal with yourown problems and keep a positive mood most of the time. Being able to make small talk about ridiculous things while still being nice and charming etc.

By the way you do mention the guy who came to chat with you and Cheers for that. How exactly did he approach you and make talk that made you immediately not feel fearful of him? Was the age factor maybe a difference?


Danfalc said:
I dont know if your on about meeting girls in general or when your on about sort of getting to know them and forming frienships or relationships?

Well getting to know them for a while and becoming aquantainces. As for a relationship, I have not ever had a girlfriend, and am starting to understand why because of things wrong I have done in the past in my attitude, and behavior around people. I am slowly beginning to change, and feel if I were put back in those situations I would not make the same dumb mistakes.

Also, Danfalc, I am not trying to HIDE it exactly; I just want to totally eliminate my fear and of course I can never TOTALLY eliminate it. But I think by hiding it in the beginning, over time, you will change into that character and have less shy problems.

And to "Gettingthere", and "Nightshade" it is good to hear from you that women don't ONLY go for confident guys (but of course they have the benefit) Yes I agree arrogance is a turnoff, but that does not necessarily imply confidence either. Confidence, if mixed with caring for others and being fun around them would not really come off as arrogant.

and to the women that read this post that get ANXIOUS and have sociial anxiety issues, what would make you feel comfortable when a guy approaches you? what should he say, do thatd make you feel so relaxed and want to get you to know this person?
 

black_mamba

Well-known member
and to the women that read this post that get ANXIOUS and have sociial anxiety issues, what would make you feel comfortable when a guy approaches you? what should he say, do thatd make you feel so relaxed and want to get you to know this person?

This is an almost impossible question to answer. Everyone is different with how they like to be approached, some like myself don't even like to be approached by men and prefer the slowly slowly getting to know someone method.

As for what to say; again, difficult. Myself would prefer someone wacky and crazy, with something original to say but must also be intelligent with it. I've found him thankgod, we met at a bus stop and he asked me when the next bus was. Hehe, so maybe in your eyes he got it 'wrong', but it got us talking to each other which led to friendship...etc etc

Theres no secret formula it boils down to luck a lot of the time.

Be yourself and get talking about anything. Yep, even buses or the weather, or if you're quite astute pick something up about that person and talk about that. Making people laugh is the best bet. You may, if you're lucky, strike a cord.

Hope this is helpful...I've had a re-read of what I wrote and it doesn't look it. :roll:
 

Horatio

Well-known member
In recent weeks Ive been rather proactive about the whole dating thing. Bought a number of books on the subject including "When Mars and Venus go on a date" from the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus series. Thought it would be an idea to educate myself on the matter, trying desperately to replace all those teen years of no dating experience and get up with the play.

I ended up absolutely devastated after reading the book. It made it clear that guys with socialphobia and depression have virtually nil chance of getting a girl. Girls DO go for confidence along with physical and emotional strength. One whiff of weakness and she is out of there. The idea is to hide your flaws for the first few weeks or months and then start being honest but thats too hard for socialphobics who stutter and blush and make an ass of themselves.

guys with socialphobia, especially ones ugly like me, you just have to face it GIRLS DONT WANT YOU AND NEVER WILL unless you manage to cure yourself of socialphobia
 

Mysti

Well-known member
mrblack said:
By the way you do mention the guy who came to chat with you and Cheers for that. How exactly did he approach you and make talk that made you immediately not feel fearful of him? Was the age factor maybe a difference?

Hehe np :D

Well he actually asked if he could come in and see a gas bill which because I'm suspicious by nature put me on edge at first. With all the identity theft about, the powers that be advise you not to do that etc but my mum asked if he minded if she called to check with his company. I felt really mean and embarrassed for being so reserved at first.
In actual fact it sort of broke the ice and he said it made him feel more relaxed that we knew he was genuine because most people slam the door in his face or just don't want to take the time to listen.
He just made small jokes about his boss wanting to fire him the day before and how he appreciated being able come in for a chat etc, then while my mum was making him tea he just made general smalltalk, asking whether I had a job or was studying at university etc, that's when I mentioned my panic attacks. He showed a genuine interest and asked what they were like... he was just very nice, very conversational told us all about where he was born and different cousins and his parents, asked about my interests, the animals, his interests, what type of music I liked, describing how an ipod worked lol - I don't know he just made me feel very relaxed.
This may sound silly but the fact my female dog didn't try to kill him on site probably helped my opinion on him, whether she picked up on his vibes or mine I'm not sure but she's usually a good judge of character :D

As for the age difference he was maybe two years younger than me, which usually makes me more uncomfortable. Most of the 19 year olds here swagger about in groups - leering and sneering - he however was very well adjusted and quite mature for his age - obviously very well brought up going by his opinions of different matters.
He didn't come across as cocky or arrogant, yes he seemed comfortable in his own shoes but also just a little bit shy perhaps? It's highly likely that he was on his best bahaviour due to working but he was here for nearly 3 hours and I'd be surprised if anyone could hold up an act for that long :?

Some of the other people on here make a very valid point, everyone is different- for me personally though if I'd of had the chance I'd have jumped this guy lol, I felt on an even footing and could imagine myself dating someone like him.
I used to talk to a guy online who seemed interested in me but I found him very loud and although generally nice enough a little obnoxious, I'd only known him a week and he wanted to know my sexual status, lol I told him without a second thought but I think it was more of a shock reaction and also because I found him quite domineering and in control. Now if he'd approached me in the street I would probably have told him to hit the road.
I'm the type of person who would fall for the boy next door rather than the big kid who would push you against the wall to steal your lunch money - I know some women like big macho men who grunt and carry big clubs around and drag them back to their cave by their hair so it must depend on your own personality of what you'll find attractive in the opposite sex.

Maybe you should ask yourself what kind of woman you're attracted to, if she's worth the effort your anxiety issues shouldn't matter to her :D
Anyhoo that's just my thoughts which might explain why I'm still single :lol:
 

mrblack

Member
Well "blackmamba", yes what you say is helpful(to your disagreement), and also pretty much what I imagine as what a guy should do with a woman,- have something clever, witty, intelligent and original to say to women that makes them laugh. I'm glad you met someone. thanks for the advice.

YO "HORATIO" dont give up so damn quick! the worst thing you can do with being socially anxious to treat it as it like it is AIDS or something, and comment "oh nothing will ever make this better...I will not change. I will only be able to live day to day, but with horrible feelings." Social anxiety can be cured, but it requires great effort from the person 'diagnosed' with it. Yes, you and I both seem to agree that women don't find insecure guys attractive, but i was suprised to reduce that thought by some of the women's responses I got.

That book that you read, seems to only reinforce the problem that women have with men, but does not seem to tell men how to change. I have been reading David DeAngelo's material who isa dating guru. And what he says is really changing alot about the way I think with women. You can subscribe to his free weekly newsletters where desperate guys write in explaining their problems with women, and he answers. Lately he has been lagging though. You can 'google' his stuff. Or use a file sharing program to get his books, but that is nonetheless illegal since he has copyright issues. Basically his material boils down to this 'cocky and funny' attitude around women. anyways i'll probably start a post later on his material and if any one has tried it or anything similar.

"Mysti", why thank you for your eloquent response. It really gave me a visual image of the guy who approached you, and I could picture how he made you feel comfortable. Time and time again, I see how 'humor' is always an essential element to making the other person feel comfortable, as in the case when he told jokes about his boss. Maybe, I should get a dog, and walk through the mall with it. And watch when he feels relaxed at the site of a hot mama. I don't know how he can keep that attitude up for 3 freakin hours. One hour, I could probably do with much effort.
And you seem like a cool girl, and you should have asked for the guy's number! Anyways thanks for your description. Yes cockiness and pure obnoxiousness can be a turn off. I've learned tthat from my own failed experiences...trying to cover up my anxiety issues. But VERY slowly I'm starting to develop my new character.
 

black_mamba

Well-known member
I don't know how he can keep that attitude up for 3 freakin hours.

I'm sure he was being himself, therefore never really having to put on the act in the first place. Its the best way as it requires the least amount of effort.

God damn Mysti, make like you have a gas leak in your bedroom (yes yes it's going to sound very dubious) then jump him! Like this:
back_hug.gif
 

black_mamba

Well-known member
I've been watching too many episodes of Scrubs where the crazy blonde female doctor is constantly throwing herself at men she fancies in weird and wonderful ways. Poor girl, she was covered in blood and poo when she asked one out I think.

Stranger things have happened... :p

By the way, even I get very intimidated by beautiful women even though I'm not attracted to them. Theres something about a beautiful woman which is scary - the perfection maybe, the competition? I'm not intimidated by good looking men in the slightest. Whats with that? Insane. 8O
 

Mysti

Well-known member
black_mamba said:
God damn Mysti, make like you have a gas leak in your bedroom (yes yes it's going to sound very dubious) then jump him! Like this:
back_hug.gif

lmao omg don't tempt me *sighs* he had the most beautiful eyes *purrs* :lol:

sadly 'mrblack' I wouldn't have had the nerve to ask for his phone number (however I have it hehe now that's customer satisfaction for you :wink: ) plus he's not originally from the UK so no idea just how long he's working over here *sulks* alas I don't think discreetly handcuffing him to the table whilst he wasn't looking would have worked otherwise I might have been tempted lest he try to escape :wink:

Hey if you like dogs and think you could offer one a good home why not? they are fantastic companions and I think you can usually tell a lot about someones character by how they react with animals (note this character test doesn't work with allergy sufferers :? )
 

lifesnotfair

Well-known member
for me it doesn't matter, because i have stopped dealing with women.. they cause you nothing by heartbreak... so screw it
 

despise

Well-known member
Horatio said:
I ended up absolutely devastated after reading the book. It made it clear that guys with socialphobia and depression have virtually nil chance of getting a girl. Girls DO go for One whiff of weakness and she is out of there.

i think this is complete bullshit. i hate books that make out only people who are outgoing, loud and confident can get a girl/boy friend. it's so depressing and wrong! the people who make those books don't want to consider the 'shy ones' - afterall that would mean putting more effort into the book and exploring whole new 'techniqes' or whatever thay call it.
i'm sorry you feel that way horatio. there are so many girls out there who DO NOT go for "confidence along with physical and emotional strength". i for one get scared when i see such outgoing people.
i guess the main problem social phobics have is that they are nervous in social situations, therefore may not look 'interested'. also the fact that we always self talk negativly doesnt help. i think that the only girls who would think "oh look he's showing a weakness - he's dumped" are complete wastes of time, are sluts and are very very selfish. im sorry. i could be entirely out of line, but thats just about the only way i see it. NOBODY in this world is perfect. nobody will ever be perfect. peoples weaknesses and imperfections are what makes them interesting and unique.
stop feeling like there is no hope. there is always hope.
 

marc72

Well-known member
im glad this topic is bought up

I am so happy this topic is bought up because based on my experience, women want someone that has some type of confidence . However there are always eception like anything else. I see where many of you are going with this. It seems like we want to tell women about our issues as to whats going on but at the same time we do not want to scare them away.

I would go to several Dating sites and all I see is that many women are looking for working men that are , independent ,that sort of thing.However, we cannot give up.

Hopefully somone will meet a nice person from this site.
 

alllie

Member
hi i think confidence is an attractive quality
i fancied a guy before not cos he was my type but cos he seemed so self assured-
unfortunately girls like confident men more than men liking confident girls- lucky for me- i got xx chromosomes
but confidence is not all- kindness, physical appearance, intelligence equally appealing
 
Rubbish. If a woman has not had a boyfriend by the time she is 20 then she is to blame. She is probably far too picky. I have approached many women and have had no positive outcome.
 
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