Anonymous
Well-known member
I know the more pressure I put on myself to participate in class and to be with others the worse I get and the worse I feel. I've alwas been painfully shy. I am not like this with relatives or friends I feel safe with. I tend to feel inadequate around people that I think are superior than me or who for some reason or another I think will notice I am stupid and a fake. I'm getting my master's and a requirement in classes is class participation. I have been unable to connect much with classmates, except with a couple people with whom I dont feel so threatened but still feel stupid from time to time. One of my professors already told me that she expects me to get better at this for my own good. I wish to God she hadn't said that. I feel noticed by her. I feel inadequate to be there and to be so afraid to say something wrong, to space out and not be able to express myself, to embarrass myself as I do. This has been an eternal problem for me. I have been a social phobic ever since I was a child. I was a selective mute as a young girl and I still am like it or not. I hate to be though. What makes me feel most inadequate and causes me a lot of grief lately is my inability to participate in class and function the way I really need to and would really like to. I love what I am studying and I feel this is what I should be doing with my life. I am threatened again by my paralysis. I'm afraid I will never be able to function in school and a career. I wish I could quiet down these loud thoughts, these automatic self recriminating thoughts, the compulsive arranging of my fears doesn't work. The way I push myself to do better drives to to continue chasing my own tail. It's debilitating and soooooo unfair, frustrating...
I'm in therapy for childhood trauma. My therapist says one way to deal with it is by dealing with the memories. Only I need to hurry it up. I need to know if there is a short cut becasue this thing continues to ruin my life.
If any suggestions or words of encouragement, please feel free to share. I desperately need them. Thanks
LILITA
I'm in therapy for childhood trauma. My therapist says one way to deal with it is by dealing with the memories. Only I need to hurry it up. I need to know if there is a short cut becasue this thing continues to ruin my life.
If any suggestions or words of encouragement, please feel free to share. I desperately need them. Thanks
LILITA