Small Town Anxiety is Exposing me

CHAKRAPOINT

Well-known member
living in a place where everyone knows one another is not good for my anxiety.people who i have never met know that i dont get out of the house and that is squashing my plans for girlfriends as as my plan was to hide from the world till i got better then come out but before i am even get better girls know my situation by word of mouth so before i even meet a person they already have a pre conceived notion of how i am and my life situation.

my parents talkin about me to my uncles and aunts and neighbors also doesnt help as when they ask my parents how my life is they have nothing else to tell them bexcept how my life is at the moment as i dont do much except go to school and come str8 home and go on the computer.my neighbor has a daughter who i like and was planning on getting with her when my situation became straightend out but since my dad told my neighbor about what i do the daughter has became distant and i think she thinks i am a computer geek or something.i hate it when word of mouth spreads cause my dad tells neighbor,neighbor tells kids,kids go to tell friends whose friends were my friends,and its as if evry1 is connected.

dad tells aunt,aunt tells cousins,cousins tell their friends,those friends go tell other friends who in some way or other i am connected to.this ruins my chance of creating an image of how id like to be seen by the outside world in my country as our population is less than two million so wherever i go to in the country there is always people who are connected to my past living area.

so now in order to relocate i have to move out of the country completely when im ready to move.all this connectedness squashes my chances of creating a new life as people would think im acting out of character or im not being myself as they already have an idea of how i am like.

not even moving to a new college or uni will help as all the tertiary institutions are in a 30 mile distance from one another.there is no better place in my country to move to as i am in the best city compared to the rest wich are smaller and worse so imagine if i am in the biggest place in my country and everyone knows each other moving elsewhere in my country is just going to be worse.
 
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EscapeArtist

Well-known member
living in a place where everyone knows one another is not good for my anxiety.people who i have never met know that i dont get out of the house and that is squashing my plans for girlfriends as as my plan was to hide from the world till i got better then come out but before i am even get better girls know my situation by word of mouth so before i even meet a person they already have a pre conceived notion of how i am and my life situation.

my parents talkin about me to my uncles and aunts and neighbors also doesnt help as when they ask my parents how my life is they have nothing else to tell them bexcept how my life is at the moment as i dont do much except go to school and come str8 home and go on the computer.my neighbor has a daughter who i like and was planning on getting with her when my situation became straightend out but since my dad told my neighbor about what i do the daughter has became distant and i think she thinks i am a computer geek or something.i hate it when word of mouth spreads cause my dad tells neighbor,neighbor tells kids,kids go to tell friends whose friends were my friends,and its as if evry1 is connected.

dad tells aunt,aunt tells cousins,cousins tell their friends,those friends go tell other friends who in some way or other i am connected to.this ruins my chance of creating an image of how id like to be seen by the outside world in my country as our population is less than two million so wherever i go to in the country there is always people who are connected to my past living area.

so now in order to relocate i have to move out of the country completely when im ready to move.all this connectedness squashes my chances of creating a new life as people would think im acting out of character or im not being myself as they already have an idea of how i am like.


I can relate, how old are you? How long do you think it will be until you're 'ready' to move? If this means finding a job, I'm with you, it's all I need to get out of this little town. You could try to explore other nearby towns, where there is less or no knowledge of you, maybe slowly expose yourself. My main goal is to join a group with a similar interest in nearby town where I won't be known. This is a far goal for me but it gives me something to work towards
 

CHAKRAPOINT

Well-known member
I can relate, how old are you? How long do you think it will be until you're 'ready' to move? If this means finding a job, I'm with you, it's all I need to get out of this little town. You could try to explore other nearby towns, where there is less or no knowledge of you, maybe slowly expose yourself. My main goal is to join a group with a similar interest in nearby town where I won't be known. This is a far goal for me but it gives me something to work towards

20 years old.im not sure when ill be ready but when i am i have to move out of the country cause even in small towns is where my cousins are and friends of ex friends etc. when i go on facebook and look at people i dont even know in my country ,there by mutual friends is usually someone we both know.i started university this year and i thought that i could start fresh.but because of my anxiety i avoided people like crazy.i am good looking and big so on my first day of school my aims were to stay off the radar but on that same day there was a girl who showed interest in me and i didnt like that cause she now started telling her friends about me which is drawing more attention than i can handle cause i know i wouldnt be able to meet her expectations of what she would deem would come from a big handsome guy.
shes cute and i checked her out on facebook nd her sister added me as a friend on there and i think she wanted to find out more about me on facebook without being direct and luckily i knew her last name otherwise i wouldnt make the connection that it was her sister.so i typed her name in and checked out her mutual friends and there was a bunch of my ex friends she knew so i think she asked them about me and i think they told her about me not being a social guy and just staying at home now she doesnt show the signs of interest sh used to show
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
I also have a hard time in the place I live. I know I have been gossiped about by complete strangers in this intolerant red neck place I live. I hear a few people say the most horrible things about me, and I just stand by as this horrible paralyzing fear sets in. It seems like a whole lot of these gossips THINK they know everything about me. They don't know the real me at all.

I get angry and think that these people have the real problem not me. I want to bite back but that doesn't help. I've been laughed at, gossiped, called a dickhead by a bunch of lyrca wearing morons.

I have thought of moving to a big city, and rebuilding my life from scratch. I like the anonymity of the city.
 

Aussie_Lad

Well-known member
People are quick to forget the past for what they see in the present. In other words, once you become confident, it is like you are a different person, and people will see that and take you for who you are at that time. If for whatever reason they listen to the gossip rather than trust their own senses then they are people probably best avoided anyway. You may not ever be able to relate properly to the people you already know, but there will always be new people that do not have a preconceived judgement toward you, and this applys in a small or large population.
 

Shy_Gurl2007

Well-known member
I am in the same situation you are in. My parents always talk about me to my aunt's and uncles and it makes me feel like such a loser! It's mostly my dad that says negative things about me without realizing it.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Chakra, do you live in my country?? Seriously. (!!) Where are you from?

I live in a small town too, and thought similar like you when I was younger.

But guess what? Nobody really cares!!

This will come as a shock, but people aren't actually gossiping about you!! (Or if they are, only briefly.. Unless you're son of a celebrity or Mayor or something-?? And even then, I know next to zero about our Mayor's kids..)
People have their own lives and mostly think about their own concerns..

Do read the books I recommend in another thread - Meeting People Is Fun and How to Win Friends and Influence People.. That's where I read that most people you meet just won't give a damn about you, and I was mightily relieved.

My parents can be controlling and obsess about us kids (and sometimes talk to neighbours too, yikes) most people elsewhere don't really give a damn though... And this is huge relief.

Also, people don't know if you're getting rich on the computer or what, you might also be working online? (I do some work via internet and when you tell people that, they are usually impressed.. so at least consider getting some - ideally paid - work via the internet or on the computer? And then maybe parents will see your 'computer time' differently too?)

I do have the 'small town blues' in that not much is happening here.. But even if you just go to the capitol and come back, people will not know what you have been doing.. and you will be a little bit mysterious..

It's probably a bit more complicated now, with Facebook etc. But you don't have to write everything there either.. Nobody expects you to.. I think posting photos of drunk parties under your real name on FB is just stupid anyway.. As future employers can google that up.. (And some of the kids with oh-so-social-lives can have alcoholic Dads and such...!!)

And some people just add others for numbers and never actually 'talk'... Though maybe teenage girls can be obsessed about things too? But then again, would you want to be with this girl in the first place?
If her sister added you and you didn't add that girl, maybe she thought you were just not interested? (Or that you might be interested in her sister?)

Not all girls expect guys to be totally sociable.. some even like 'geeky' types.. (and there can be 'geeky' girls too..) If she's really sociable and you're not, you might be better of with a girl who's not so social anyway?
(Plus know that some of these guys who are too sociable can be alcoholics and such later on too.. And after 20 girls start to appreciate intelligence and other stuff in men too..)

If you're goodlooking and big just flaunt it, lol! Who cares if you're geeky?? Lots of cool and rich geeks worldwide anyway... It's most important that you're healthy! (That might mean going outside for a hike/run now and then too.. or some taekwondo or whatever..)

I sometimes feel I need to flee the country too, lol... (mostly to flee my family and the small-town mentality.. and to meet and experience new cultures etc.) I think it's okay to travel, though it's important to set things straight in your head too, or you might be 'carrying' parents in your head wherever you go.. I get tempted to go abroad every summer, have mostly persuaded myself to stay though..

There are lots of student exchange and travel exchange programs these days, especially in Europe, so going abroad is much easier than it used to be.. You could also volunteer abroad etc. Or work or do internships. Lots of options everywhere.. Do have some money to start with and do your research, some foreign countries can be expensive, some are more affordable. It's also good to 'test the waters' before you move somewhere for longer time or permanently..

I still can't decide whether to find a place of my own here or in one of the big cities or abroad... Decisions, decisions.. hmm...??
 
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Kiwong

Well-known member
Well, they're great words Aussie lad, but I've been trying my whole life to become confident without success, so I'm not holding my breath there. They're like words my counsellor once said to me about bulding self esteem, but I didn't believe any of it. I have low self-esteem and confidence, depsite doing heaps of CBT.

Personally, I find it extremely difficult to not to get affected by some of the gossip I hear said about me, it's part of the reason I have developed this mental illness in the first place.

And if I avoid these people, then I also have to avoid an activity I enjoy, running, because these intolerant people are there waiting to sinpe at me.

New people will probably develop a preconcieved judgement toward me based on exposure to my anxiety, and I will alienate them too. Because I'm weird.

Nice words Aussie lad, but the truth is not that easy.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Well, I think Aussie_Lad is right :)

I was obsessed with some of my past (and then-present) and then had a job that was semi-glamorous (at least for our tiny little town!!) I found that people who we otherwise never socialized with were constantly hanging near (they had been before I worked there anyway) and we talked, it was like I never was that awkward teen.. people forget easily, yup..
It was just being dressed differently and being in a different position/status..
My self-esteem wasn't that high when I started the job, it grew while I was working there though, cause people were so great (both these and those visiting..)

Kiwong, do you have other problems besides SA? I don't think SA is really a 'mental illness' anyway, though it maybe depends on the level..
I think it's great you are not avoiding these people!!
I'm afraid of sportsy people a little bit too.. Have you tried hanging out with people who volunteer or are a little bit artsy or such?
 

CHAKRAPOINT

Well-known member
Chakra, do you live in my country?? Seriously. (!!) Where are you from?

I live in a small town too, and thought similar like you when I was younger.

But guess what? Nobody really cares!!

This will come as a shock, but people aren't actually gossiping about you!! (Or if they are, only briefly.. Unless you're son of a celebrity or Mayor or something-?? And even then, I know next to zero about our Mayor's kids..)
People have their own lives and mostly think about their own concerns..

Do read the books I recommend in another thread - Meeting People Is Fun and How to Win Friends and Influence People.. That's where I read that most people you meet just won't give a damn about you, and I was mightily relieved.

My parents can be controlling and obsess about us kids (and sometimes talk to neighbours too, yikes) most people elsewhere don't really give a damn though... And this is huge relief.

Also, people don't know if you're getting rich on the computer or what, you might also be working online? (I do some work via internet and when you tell people that, they are usually impressed.. so at least consider getting some - ideally paid - work via the internet or on the computer? And then maybe parents will see your 'computer time' differently too?)

I do have the 'small town blues' in that not much is happening here.. But even if you just go to the capitol and come back, people will not know what you have been doing.. and you will be a little bit mysterious..

It's probably a bit more complicated now, with Facebook etc. But you don't have to write everything there either.. Nobody expects you to.. I think posting photos of drunk parties under your real name on FB is just stupid anyway.. As future employers can google that up.. (And some of the kids with oh-so-social-lives can have alcoholic Dads and such...!!)

And some people just add others for numbers and never actually 'talk'... Though maybe teenage girls can be obsessed about things too? But then again, would you want to be with this girl in the first place?
If her sister added you and you didn't add that girl, maybe she thought you were just not interested? (Or that you might be interested in her sister?)

Not all girls expect guys to be totally sociable.. some even like 'geeky' types.. (and there can be 'geeky' girls too..) If she's really sociable and you're not, you might be better of with a girl who's not so social anyway?
(Plus know that some of these guys who are too sociable can be alcoholics and such later on too.. And after 20 girls start to appreciate intelligence and other stuff in men too..)

If you're goodlooking and big just flaunt it, lol! Who cares if you're geeky?? Lots of cool and rich geeks worldwide anyway... It's most important that you're healthy! (That might mean going outside for a hike/run now and then too.. or some taekwondo or whatever..)

I sometimes feel I need to flee the country too, lol... (mostly to flee my family and the small-town mentality.. and to meet and experience new cultures etc.) I think it's okay to travel, though it's important to set things straight in your head too, or you might be 'carrying' parents in your head wherever you go.. I get tempted to go abroad every summer, have mostly persuaded myself to stay though..

There are lots of student exchange and travel exchange programs these days, especially in Europe, so going abroad is much easier than it used to be.. You could also volunteer abroad etc. Or work or do internships. Lots of options everywhere.. Do have some money to start with and do your research, some foreign countries can be expensive, some are more affordable. It's also good to 'test the waters' before you move somewhere for longer time or permanently..

I still can't decide whether to find a place of my own here or in one of the big cities or abroad... Decisions, decisions.. hmm...??

haha!! i currently am living in southern africa but used to live in D.C.
will try find those books on the net.what exactly do you do on thwe net to earn money?

the sister added me but i didnt accept cause i knew the girl wanted to use her sister to find out more about me which i didnt want as i dont want people to know about my life.im sure didnt tell her sister to hook up with me as the sister is a bit too young.

yeah i too am looking for somewhere to on holiday to check it out if its a potential permanent living zone.
 

CHAKRAPOINT

Well-known member
I also have a hard time in the place I live. I know I have been gossiped about by complete strangers in this intolerant red neck place I live. I hear a few people say the most horrible things about me, and I just stand by as this horrible paralyzing fear sets in. It seems like a whole lot of these gossips THINK they know everything about me. They don't know the real me at all.

I get angry and think that these people have the real problem not me. I want to bite back but that doesn't help. I've been laughed at, gossiped, called a dickhead by a bunch of lyrca wearing morons.

I have thought of moving to a big city, and rebuilding my life from scratch. I like the anonymity of the city.

yeah i know people talk about me even if not there as if they are trying to figure me out and go through lists of characters i fit in to place me in a certain category,its as if my quitness makes them uneasy.i know, they act as if once they have come to a type of character they think i fit in then they stick with it and treat you as if you are that kind of guy they have made you out to be and are hell bent sure that is who you are.

me too,i would love to just be in a big place where i can go anywhere and just practice different characters and personalities on people as in a bid city there is a small chance that youll bump into each other again (except if you go to the same places all the time).
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Hm, maybe that just means you transcend characters or any easy 'pigeon holes' and that may make you a more interesting person in the long run...

Yeah, big cities can be easier to get lost in, but even 200.000 population city can give you opportunity to try being different sorts of person.. Or even in a smaller town/school, eg if you join a drama group or something.. You can try on different characters in peace..

Wikipedia says South Africa has 48 million people and Johannesburg has 10 million people?? (So not sure what you meant with small towns and small country-?) Oops, I see you wrote southern Africa!

I've never been to Africa so I don't know what it's like there... It probably depends on where you are and people around you..

With all the problems about HIV/AIDS, staying home on the computer might be even safer-??

About earning money via computer, there are different possibilities, depending on your skills and interests. You can write articles or blogs, translate, do online tutoring... You can even get an online job like a forum moderator :D or even for forum posting (some of those are badly paid, some well.. I never actually tried that though it seems interesting..) It's easy to do writing reviews (mostly not paid much, you can maybe get a little pocket money, I've tried that in the past and it was fun for a while) There are sites with online jobs, some are international or local.. Or you can just find anyone who needs some things done locally.. If you are 'techie', maybe you can make websites or such? Sometimes companies even pay people to test and review computer games, if you are into that. It depends on what you like to do or are comfortable doing?
 
I live in a small town too. Everyone knows everyone here! And news travel fast. Especially, In Facebook. I need to get out of this freaking town and move to larger city in other state.
 

CHAKRAPOINT

Well-known member
Hm, maybe that just means you transcend characters or any easy 'pigeon holes' and that may make you a more interesting person in the long run...

Yeah, big cities can be easier to get lost in, but even 200.000 population city can give you opportunity to try being different sorts of person.. Or even in a smaller town/school, eg if you join a drama group or something.. You can try on different characters in peace..

Wikipedia says South Africa has 48 million people and Johannesburg has 10 million people?? (So not sure what you meant with small towns and small country-?) Oops, I see you wrote southern Africa!

I've never been to Africa so I don't know what it's like there... It probably depends on where you are and people around you..

With all the problems about HIV/AIDS, staying home on the computer might be even safer-??

About earning money via computer, there are different possibilities, depending on your skills and interests. You can write articles or blogs, translate, do online tutoring... You can even get an online job like a forum moderator :D or even for forum posting (some of those are badly paid, some well.. I never actually tried that though it seems interesting..) It's easy to do writing reviews (mostly not paid much, you can maybe get a little pocket money, I've tried that in the past and it was fun for a while) There are sites with online jobs, some are international or local.. Or you can just find anyone who needs some things done locally.. If you are 'techie', maybe you can make websites or such? Sometimes companies even pay people to test and review computer games, if you are into that. It depends on what you like to do or are comfortable doing?

in southern africa i mean the southern hemisphere of africa in a country called Namibia.if i do drama that means i interact with people and i dont want that at all.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
in southern africa i mean the southern hemisphere of africa in a country called Namibia.if i do drama that means i interact with people and i dont want that at all.

Interesting. Wow, Namibia! Sounds very exotic.. You don't have to do drama, you can do what you might like better - any clubs or interest groups for what you are interested in? Or you could try writing stories about different characters or lifestyles and see what happens to them? (I sometimes do that too.. :))
 

voodoochild16

Well-known member
there really isnt any other way around it. I guess you can't get after people for treating you like this. It's just a fact that small towns expose us. Once you move you won't go back, I felt so relieved and it's the only way of getting out of this.
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
I live on an island. Moved here from a big city. I can certainly say that gossiping and everyone being in everyone else's business is a problem. I can also say that I am appalled to see grown men just as much into gossip as teenage girls. It's disgusting. It helps that I care not one iota about what these people think about me. Unfortunately, my lack of concern seems to make their dislike for me increase. I don't know. I suppose they want me to kowtow to them and seek their approval. That's not gonna happen. In addition to having SA, I'm also one of the most stubborn people I know! I may eventually relocate because I'm getting more and more impatient with these types. I thought this was paradise but it takes more than an ocean and great scenery to make a place ideal.
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
The best thing ever is going into town and not knowing anybody but it took me yrs to loose my romance for the IDEA of small-town living is good. Small towns are not Mayberry, they can be hell :)

This sums it up for me-most all of the posts deal directly with the horrible close-minded and gossips small town people can be.

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Hate-Small-Town-Simple-Minded-People/984101

No-town-living is where it is at for me! :perfect:
 
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Kiwong

Well-known member
I have looked to see if fear of small towns has a phobia name. My town isn't all that small, but it is claustrophobically insular. Flying back into the town I live in is like a descent into hell. The plays begins its descent and the dread wells up. I am back in this frightening wasteland of conservatism and intolerance, where I wake in fright.
 
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