Should I stay with her?

Brexin

Member
Hello everyone. So im just trying to get some honest opinions on what i should do with my wife. We have talking about divorce but im not sure thats what i want. This is a long story, and i hope some of you will please endure it so i can get the best possible opinions. :)

So the story begins back in january 2009. I met my (future at the time) wife. She already had 1 failed marriage and a son from that marriage. We both were in the military and shared a few common friends. We fell madly in Love, I could go on all day about how much we loved each other and couldn't be away from each other for a second. We got married july of 2009. She was pregnant at the time and things were still going good. My wife and I after 7 months together were still madly in Love and things couldn't have been better. Around September of 09, i started to get very depressed. I had a very bad experience while deployed in 2007, when my truck hit and IED and killed 2 of my guys, including my best friend, and removing a leg from my squad leader. I have had many problems over the years dealing with these issues, but it didnt bother me until late 2009.

Lets just say, things started going very bad in my marriage. My wife did everything she could to keep me happy, and nothing worked. I lost my sex drive and blamed her gaining baby weight as the problem for that ::(: ... My wife, despite all of this stuck it out with me and continued to try and make me happy. I got out of the army in December of 09 after 3 years of service. From that point on, i was the "stay at home parent". 2010 was the worst year,,, i had giving up in my marriage and stopped trying, i quit giving her much attention and spent most of my time on the computer... Plain put, I was the worst husband ever ::(:

Things started to get better in 2011, but we still had issues because of the year before. We talked divorce once during that time and i almost had to buy a plane ticket back to my home state... We worked things out, though i still wasn't much better then before, to where we would keep working things out.

This is where the story gets bad... My wife deployed to Afghanistan on June 20th, 2011. The first 2 weeks she was gone, she was skype calling me everyday all day long. At the time i had just my son with me, My oldest was with his biological dad's for the summertime. I told her that she was calling to much because i had a life here I needed to manage. This kind of ticked her off but i felt it was necessary. Things were really good once she only called a few hours every other day.. I was happy and so was she. At the end of the summer, I received our oldest son back from his dads house. After that, i was really highly stressed all the time. I found it difficult to raise 2 kids by myself (Oldest was 4 yrs, and the other at the time 16 months old). I got super annoyed when she would call because i was so stressed all the time and tired. I told her that she annoyed me everytime she called. We stopped talking almost all together for the rest of the deployment.

On January 7th, 2012... She asked me over facebook if i wanted a divorce. I told her yes i did. I wasnt sure that i did, but after being so far apart and not talking much i didnt feel loved myself, let alone how she felt. When she got home, The moment i seen her get off the plane. I knew i made the biggest mistake of my life! :eek: All those feelings of love came back, and she still had feelings for me aswell.. So whats the issue here you ask?

She was very suspicious when she came home. She was angry at me for wanting to work things out now that she was home, but i didnt support her when she needed it the most. She kept a lock on her phone and computer (which never happened pre-deployment). This bothered me and she told me that it was non of my business what she was texting other people. The first weekend after she came home, she was going to the Bar to get drunk with her unit. I was the babysitter for this night and wasnt allowed to go (suspicious eh?). I managed to catch her phone before it locked, and i installed a spyware called "spybubble" on her phone to see if she was cheating on me. That first night was the first rude awakening that she WAS indeed cheating on me. She was telling this guy how she wish she could disappear with him and how she would "do" him so hard and stuff like this. I was devastated... but being the honest man i was, i told her about it the next day. She told me that it was just dirty talk and there was nothing else to it... She also told me that she NEVER had sex with anyone while being home, or while deployed.

A few weeks later, she comes to me and tells me that she missed her period, which was to start just days after coming home. At this point, we had sex 3 times unprotected (this is my wife here :p ), but i never had made a mistake like this before. i was 99% sure that the baby wasnt mine... but she swore that she never cheated on me. A week later, while at her moms house, we got into a little fight about something, and she admitted so having sex with some black guy right before coming home... I was FURIOUS, and called her a liar among a few other names and stormed out the house.

We talked about it a couple hours later and she told me she felt bad for lying, and that she said i deserved to know because we were going to work things out again. She went and seen a doctor (this is about 2 weeks ago), to see how old the baby was... Come to find out, she conceived around the first week a February ( 3 weeks before coming home ).

At this point, i decided to hack into her computer (which was mine anyways), and look at her facebook messages from deployment (she never logs out, because the PC has a password i dont know). To make a long story short, she had sex with 2 different guys, and lied about who the real father was. The real father (who was married as well), wants to be in the baby's life and for the baby to have his last name. He is a staff sergeant in the army so if i pushed the issue, i could get my wife and him kicked out of the army for adultery AND fraternization (sexual relations between a Non-commissioned officer (staff sergeant) and a junior enlisted member). Ive thought about doing that to get back at my wife,,, but at the same time she is my sons mother.

(cont. Post # 2)
 
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Brexin

Member
My wife is willing to work things out but im not sure i can live with 3 kids (2 of which are not mine), and having 2 other dads in our family. Plus im scared she might even do it again. So i guess the true question here is... Can a soul mate mess up like this and love be strong enough for us to make it past this?

I love my wife to death, and after some hard long thinking, ive come to relize that she is perfect for me... I really messed up by not trying in our marriage and will regret it for the rest of my life. She cheated on me because i really let her down these last few years and wasnt there for her... Im not saying she didnt wrong me, Trust me i think she made a bad mistake, but i can also see where she is coming from being a women... Her husband not there for her, especially during deployment. Do you guys think that there is still a chance for us? I really am willing to make her happy like i used to, i would do anything for her because i love her so much... Im just not sure i can live through this situation ::(:
 

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
Hm, well, I would advise going to marriage counseling before any of you decide to divorce each other. As a child who had to deal with divorce, I can say that it not only affects the two of you. If the two of you still have feelings for one another, then it's very possible to reignite the flame of love between you two. You both screwed up (just being honest here) and you both realize and can admit to your faults and see where you went astray, so that's the first step towards working to fix this. However, you must be ready to accept the fact that things may not work out. Plan out carefully what's going to happen if that becomes the case. But, I doubt that will be so:).
 

Csea88

Well-known member
To be quite honest, no matter the reasoning for the cheating, once a cheater always a cheater and I went through a similar situation with someone, and the lies just keep coming out even until this day...even up until 2 weeks ago. I don't have children in the mix though, I do understand the military aspect of it, being far away and not seeing each other it does put a strain on it, but the children aspect of it, would you want to have your kids going through such a tough situation as this? and not only did she cheat on you but she cheated with a married man and someone else. She lied about that, once someone feels the need to hide things from you and be so dishonest I don't feel like there's ever coming back from that. This is all my opinion though, if you truly feel like people can change and this was all a mistake then its up to you and what you feel is right. I hope you can figure this all out and I wish you the best of luck, but I've learned the hard way recently about what taking back a liar and a cheater can do to your mental health and how much it can hurt. Wish you the best of luck.
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
Gosh.

Sounds as though the relationship has become badly damaged. But if you both still love each other, and can find the courage to be really honest about your feelings, I'm sure it's worth trying to work through all this. If you can talk things through, there's even a chance that you'll come through this closer than ever, due to the things you've learned about each other and the things you've learned about yourselves. But I'm with DMW, it might help to get professional counselling.

(And I'm so sorry to hear about your truck hitting a bomb, I can only imagine how traumatic that must have been. Can I just say to everyone in the forces: I deeply respect your bravery.)
 
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AGR

Well-known member
My opinion is that everybody who is a cheater will try to put the blame on their partner,but thats like saying that because someone is turning their back to you that its reasonable to stab them,it doesnt make any sense.
 
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da_illest101

Well-known member
Can your feelings for her trully be like they were before, can you handle how the futur will be? Personally I think you would be better off looking for someone else. Then again it's hard to stop loving someone even if they hurt ud deeply
 

DevC

Well-known member
You've put up with alot from her, get the divorce and find someone who respects you enough not to cheat, instead of worrying about all her kids from different fathers, then you can just focus on your actual son and yourself, lifes too short.
 

Newtype

Well-known member
First of all, you should seek psychological help from the military regarding your traumatic experience, if you haven't done so already.

As for the marriage, you could spend days, months or even years blaming yourself, blaming her, blaming each other, but what would come out of it? Accepting to stay with her is accepting to never blame her or make her feel bad for what she did. It's accepting to never ask any questions and just focusing on being a good husband and father and letting the past behind. I personally wouldn't be able to do that. I could probably do what I just wrote no problem, the human brain can easily accomplish that, however, there would be a lot of repressed anger inside of me and it would come out from time to time. She'd have to be a formidable woman to relieve you of that anger.

One thing's for sure, the kids are the victims here. You have to think of your son as well. I think most people who've had experience with cheating and have forgiven that person would tell you to get out, because forgiving has led to nothing. However, it's always easier to tell someone what to do when you're not emotionally involved.

Whatever you do, don't cheat on her, 'cause right now you've got mega leverage against her for a divorce, but if you cheat, you lose all of it. It sounds bad saying it like that, but you need to protect yourself in case things don't work out. Good luck.
 

mattbarneswillkillu

Well-known member
personally, i'd want someone I know I could trust. We all make mistakes and temptation seems greater than ever these days, but she is beyond disrespecting you at this point. You could never get even with someone like that without hurting yourself so do the right thing and move on. My advice is to take it slow and reevaluate whats important to you in a relationship. If you honestly can live w/ what she has done regardless of how you've been then fine, if not then you don't need to be tied down in a relationship that isn't making you the best you that you can be.
 

Brexin

Member
No. I know people who had suffered much more in marriage but haven't cheated. I'd have already divorced. I'm very honest and expect the same from a partner. A cheat would turn my love in hate in a second. You've done terrible things to her, but she could just leave you, not cheat. And with 2 guys?! And lied?! Anyway, it's really up to you to decide if you can live pretending that you trust in her.

I really like your honesty here and respect your answer. Honestly im not sure i can ever fully trust her again... especially when you add the fact that she keeps lying about it, and the truth having to come from my hacking her phone or computer to get it.

Can your feelings for her trully be like they were before, can you handle how the futur will be? Personally I think you would be better off looking for someone else. Then again it's hard to stop loving someone even if they hurt ud deeply

I agree with you here... She was the first women i ever had true love for. Its hard to just pack my bags and leave her. Im not sure if i can handle all of this... If the baby's daddy was not in the picture, then sure... i can see myself working past all of this, But with the daddy wanting to be in the baby's life, thats where im not so sure.


I would just like to thank everyone for their answers so far! I really like to read your opinions on this issue, and give me other ways to look at the situation etc etc... Thank you guys very much and please keep the opinions / questions coming :)
 

Silatuyok

Well-known member
Speaking from personal experience, I think that when someone cheats on their spouse, it is their way of deciding that the relationship is over, whether they realize it at the time or not. I can fully understand why she did it, especially since she was deployed and you were denying her of the one emotional outlet she had...but for her to continue it after she returns to you, and after you have made an effort to begin repairing things...well, that just shows me that she is no longer committed to you. It doesn't sound like she is trying to mend things. I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope you can find it in your heart to make what you think is the right decision.
 

coyote

Well-known member
there's times i think that i'd take my ex-wife back if she'd have me - regardless of anything she may have done

i loved her more than i'd ever thought i could love anyone

but too much has happened

we're not the same people we used to be

unfortunately, life can't be lived in reverse

there is no going back to the way things used to be

there's only forward

always forward
 
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Rembrandt Broam

Well-known member
once a cheater, always a cheater

I think that's a little harsh. People make mistakes. They do stupid things without thinking, but that doesn't mean they're going to repeat those mistakes.

As to the OP's situation, I don't think it's the cheating that is the problem as much as the lying and lack of trust that has created. It's not good that your wife wasn't honest with you about what had happened, and only seems to admit to those things you've already discovered. I think that's going to create huge trust issues between the two of you down the line. It sounds like your reasons for wanting to stay together are genuine, but I wonder whether hers are more to do with it being the easier option.
 

Brexin

Member
Speaking from personal experience, I think that when someone cheats on their spouse, it is their way of deciding that the relationship is over, whether they realize it at the time or not. I can fully understand why she did it, especially since she was deployed and you were denying her of the one emotional outlet she had...but for her to continue it after she returns to you, and after you have made an effort to begin repairing things...well, that just shows me that she is no longer committed to you. It doesn't sound like she is trying to mend things. I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope you can find it in your heart to make what you think is the right decision.

I really appreciate your answer! I have to agree with you here. So why do you think she is draging me along for? I already told her i would rather her just leave me then keep me around if she doesnt want to work it out... Her reply is always "I dont know what i want"

I think that's a little harsh. People make mistakes. They do stupid things without thinking, but that doesn't mean they're going to repeat those mistakes.

As to the OP's situation, I don't think it's the cheating that is the problem as much as the lying and lack of trust that has created. It's not good that your wife wasn't honest with you about what had happened, and only seems to admit to those things you've already discovered. I think that's going to create huge trust issues between the two of you down the line. It sounds like your reasons for wanting to stay together are genuine, but I wonder whether hers are more to do with it being the easier option.

You are totally right. Ive come to realize that is mostly my fault she cheated (not that it was a good decision for her), but i understand where i have fault there. It really is the lying and secrets (and the fact she still locks her phone) is why im so in the dark on what to do here. The baby sure doesnt help either, but the father wanting to be apart of the baby's life makes it extremely difficult as well ::(: .. She has told me that the kid does play a part in her wanting me to stay, but not the only reasons... She says she still loves me, but not as much as she used to, and not as much as she loves the baby's daddy as well
 
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Rembrandt Broam

Well-known member
She says she still loves me, but not as much as she used to, and not as much as she loves the baby's daddy as well

That doesn't sound good. Not good at all. ::(:

This is a very complicated situation, especially as there are children involved, but when someone you're contemplating staying in a marriage with is telling you they love someone else more...well, that's setting all kinds of alarm bells ringing. She's obviously going to need to have ongoing contact with the baby's father if he's going to be part of his child's life, but are you ever going to fully trust her being around him if she's telling you this now?
 

Brexin

Member
That doesn't sound good. Not good at all. ::(:

This is a very complicated situation, especially as there are children involved, but when someone you're contemplating staying in a marriage with is telling you they love someone else more...well, that's setting all kinds of alarm bells ringing. She's obviously going to need to have ongoing contact with the baby's father if he's going to be part of his child's life, but are you ever going to fully trust her being around him if she's telling you this now?

It is very complicated ::(: thats why i come here seeking unbiased opinions ::p:

Honestly, probably not. She says she loves him because he was there for her when i wasn't... So I'm alittle confused if us working things out, and I being there for her again will be enough for her to be trustworthy when around him or not :confused:
 

Silatuyok

Well-known member
I really appreciate your answer! I have to agree with you here. So why do you think she is draging me along for? I already told her i would rather her just leave me then keep me around if she doesnt want to work it out... Her reply is always "I dont know what i want"

I think she probably wants things to be the way they used to be, and is hanging onto you because of that. But since things aren't the same between you two, and never will be, she is still trying to get her needs filled elsewhere. But that's not the way relationships work, it gets too messy. As Coyote said, you can't live life in reverse, and both of you need to realize that the several months of bliss you experienced are in the past. If you are continually trying to get back to that point, you will fail.
 
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