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Old 07-18-2010
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I just wanted to share a blog entry I made today over at another anxiety website.


image from: on Flickr - Photo Sharing!
♪♫ Now listening: Feist - Lonely Lonely

Right now I feel so alone. A lot of us have felt lonely before but there seem to be many different types of 'feeling lonely' if that makes any sense. You can be lonely because there's no one around, you can be lonely even in a crowd of people, you can be lonely because you cannot relate to anyone else. I could probably go on and on.

I can't pinpoint an exact reason why I feel so lonely. I think my anxiety and fear of people has slowly turned into a stronger type of avoidance than I usually have. While I still have a tiny bit of longing for the right friend, I avoid people as much as possible in person. Within that, there are quite a few reasons that I avoid people. One of the biggest reasons is a lack of self-esteem. I feel like I don't want people to see me and yet one person that I talk with online on Skype, I let see me on webcam while still sleep tousled.

I don't come across many online friends like I used to. I feel many different levels of comfort with each of the ones I do have. Yet, I still feel like there is a big chuck of something missing.

I confuse myself so much. Sitting in the dark with my laptop and listening to music on one hand I feel completely free. I can do what I want to do in here without worrying about someone else and what they want to do. I feel so open to the world right now - to both the beauty and the darkness and yet so isolated from the world. I feel like I'm experiencing everything and yet I'm experiencing nothing at all. I feel like I can feel the people I want to meet that exist out there somewhere and yet I don't know them and even if they really do exist.

Sometimes I feel like the fence around my sanity is missing a few sections.

I want to meet and appreciate the special things about everyone and yet I don't want to be seen by anyone. I want to feel the sun on my face but I don't want the heat and the light to touch me.

As much as I avoid people simply because I don't want to be around them in particular, there is still an anxious part of me. Still a part of me that is terrified. Scared of what people think or will think of me.

I'm scared of the the people out there that are intentionally cruel and I'm scared of the people that are cruel and don't even realize it. I'm scared of the people that know they're judging you and the ones that don't know they're judging you. I'm scared of the fact that I judge people too. Maybe even unfairly. I'm more scared of the people that are vocal about it and still fearful of people like me that silently judge, even if it isn't cruel.

I'm scared of the fact that coworkers ask me every weekend what I did and most of the time my answer is nothing. I'm even more scared about the times I've made something up just to sound interesting.

I'm scared of the people that will read this and not relate and I'm scared of the people that will read this and relate but feel too anxious to post a reply. I'm scared of the people that will reply to this with something in relation to my feelings. I'm scared of the people that would comment because they like the picture but have no comments about the entry. I'm scared of no one reading this at all.

I'm scared of the few people I've known online for a long time that want to meet me. I'm scared of the people that I wish that I knew.

I'm scared of going in to work tomorrow. I'm scared of wearing the same men's t-shirt, jeans and hoodies that I always wear and I'm scared of people that judge me because I wear these things. I'm scared of something unexpected coming up and me having to do my coworker's work. I'm scared of the people that don't show any gratitude at work when I hold a door for them or don't say excuse me when we get in each others way. I'm scared of the people that stand in the way in the middle of an aisle at work and look at you rudely because you have to walk past them.

I am sad that I can't be the person that I wish I could be. I'm sad that I've never met the type of people that I wish I could meet.

I'm scared that I'm rambling on and on in a non-coherent fashion.

But I'm glad that I've put this out there. These are things that I keep bottled up inside me. I'm too afraid to post them in my LiveJournal but feel like this is the right place to let it all out.
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Old 06-24-2012
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The best way to deal with things that make you scared is to confront them. So here I am, giving you a reply to your blog entry Face it how you will; I don't even mind if you feel adverse to it and tell me so.
I'm also scared of many things relating to other people and I hate that there isn't an instant fix solution to it. But I'm working on slowly exposing myself to the things that scare me in the hopes that I will become more confident in myself.
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Old 06-24-2012
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Well, it only took somebody the better part of two years to relate. Didn't realize the post was that old 'til I'd typed all this, and for once I'll just go ahead and post instead of throwing away all that work.

--

Have to say, I like the fence analogy.

I can relate to some of this. The sense of being isolated yet open to everything, in particular. I've also come to realize that, even though I do avoid folks as much as I can, I find people very interesting - but I'd much rather observe them from afar. Getting too close means interaction, reciprocation, obligations. Best to keep them at arm's length, at the least. But that's not ultimately very fulfilling.

I can also remember a time when I was more open to meeting people on the Internet, but that came to a stop without me realizing it. I'm thankful for the friends I've retained, as they're a large part of my support network. Now it feels like too much effort and too much risk - which seems absurd, even to me.

I wouldn't use the word scared to describe how I feel, because to me, that implies a certain acuteness to the feeling. I'd describe it as dread - a crippling apprehension to do anything. But maybe I'm mincing words.

If there's one thing you shouldn't be afraid of, it's to ramble. Keeping this kind of thing bottled up saps a little of your energy, and getting it out there is usually - in my experience, at least - therapeutic, at least for a while. And sometimes you'll meet another rambler.
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Old 01-09-2014
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I am scared of mice.
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