Seriously in need of help..

cybil

Member
My name is Cybil, ironic huh? I'm the one that wishes I had another personality. :( I'm 40 years old , divorced mother of 2. I dont know when my anxieties started, I'm pretty sure they've always been there. Alot of extremely horrible life events have happened within the last 4 years, unbelieve things. I'm now unable to leave my yard.. I can make it to the grocery store, however, while there, its not pretty. I have to medicate to go and still have panic attacks, embarrasing my myself. I'm worried that will stop too. I have missed too many dr appts, panic grips me so hard I physically become ill. I disappoint my childre, my family has cut me off and wont speak to me, I disappoint myaelf. I'm stuck in a very unhealthy relationship, because I cannot work to support myself. It took a year to get food stamps. I've Los about 100 pounds, cant sleep..then all I do is sleep. I told my dr about the attacks, and he is worried about addiction to xanax.. I was just told by my g I dorandmother that my mom had agoraphobia..which is new to me. I knew I had something wrong, thinking it was fear of loss or failure..but reading about agnoraphobia, Im pretty sure thats what I'm cursed with. It makes sense, however, the fear is so bad I'm not sure how to see a doctor, or even survive anymore. I feel helpless.
 

Clown

Well-known member
Just get up, go take CBT (books/social anxiety institute) stop the medication, learn a new study maybe home study, get a job get a new man ...happy ending
 

Diend

Well-known member
You are going through a lot now and it is okay to feel sad. I can only offer emotional support.
 

cybil

Member
Yes I am going thru alot. My mom died from cancer 4 months after we found out she had it. She was 53. My dad became an alocohol. I took care of him, until..he met a nasty woman who kept him drunk and high, and wanted me out so she could drain him. Well, a week after I was kicked out, homeless, and lost my job after mom died, jobless, my son had a car accident. Tramatic brain injury. Missing section of skull, in ICU for alomst 2 months. My dad never came to visit, ask if i needed anything, nothing. Exceot one call to question about his stereo. A week before my son is released fron rehab, fighting w his father,ny dad is diagnosed terminal cancer. Ugh...ill be back...overwhelning.. Part II comung up.
 

cybil

Member
Part II

So, reguardless of my hurt, I s allowed my prid and wheeled my 21 yr old son into my fathers hosp room..(2different hosp), my son wearing a helmet at 6'2 weighing 110 lbs with a feeding tube and trach healing, to see my dad, and say not a word about my feelings. By he way, none of my brothe s or siste would help me w our dad, saying he died when mom did becuz of his drinkg. Anyway, he kicks gf out, quits drinking, asks me to, move in. I sd no. I cudnt do that again. He movedd in with my brother n siste in law, who kept me a ay saying i would arrested if i came to see my dieing dad a few wks before he passed. A month prior when dad was mobile, he told me he left an equal share of about 150,000.00 to each of us thru l fe ns
 

cybil

Member
Life insurance, telling me how my sister in law,is on him about leaving me out saying to drug test me. Angry but said yes, no problem, i can every single day the rest of my life. Dad said do something smart and good w what im leaving you. Thats when i was kept away, and agnoraphobia became intense. Things we e said so ugly about me, they called me asking about a lap top, cursing at me, which i figured stress from dad was getting to them, i was calm and giving. It didnt make sense y they became so argumentiv and ugly...more happened, but u get my drift..dad died, will read which nothing was left after dads gf got him. Dad left one policy of 300,000 to my brother and 300,00 to my sister. Me and my brother under me-the two oldest-were completely left out. I havent spoje to them, cuz they told me to die- sine april when dad died. Meanwhile, my boyfriend was drunk one night, and tg ew the remote at m, hitting ky face, br akig my eye s cket to forehead bone, both eyes black,amd blue...ugh, thhis kills me...so...ive rcently found bf online adult s x sites...and i lov the jackass. Im afraid to leav the house, im af aid to trust anyone because tge obes i trusted the most hurt me so badly. Im shak ng now...i hav no one...i want to just die. I sleep all day everyday most times just waiting to die..i dont want to hurt anymore. Im ashamed, broken, depresed, and still have to see m dauggter. It all sounds easy..etting up going to the doctor, get help, get a job, get a new man...but ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE TO ME! Everything Ive known, been taught, believed, and loved....was a complete LIE! Its been horrible and it doesnt stop..
 

jaim38

Well-known member
I'm sorry you had to go through this. What your brother and sister said to you was horrible.
 

Capsaicin

Well-known member
Just things like going to the store or the hospital means you're still fighting the good fight, which is a good sign when it comes to future recovery. If you find spare time in between managing everything else, I also suggest looking at self-help CBT books or techniques. Any ground you can take back from anxiety at all will only help you build up the momentum to take back your life.

I'm the product of two neglectful and violent households, and I don't think it's possible to recover from something or someone that's damaging your self-esteem when you're living with them. I've watched people completely change, give up, and turn on me firsthand because their environment and those close to them sabotaged any attempt to change.

Reach out to shelters for battered women and children. Whatever your city is, do a Google search and see what numbers and resources you can find. If you can't find any I will help you look. They're there for people in living situations like yours, and if was all about having a job then plenty of places would pay them just fine to do less emotionally tough work (certainly any volunteers!). They're there because they don't want people to be trapped in unsafe situations.

Also try to keep in contact with anyone at all who at least somewhat like you. Don't let the only voices you hear be ones who are cruel to you and don't let anyone deprive you of outside contact, or that's going to become your reality.
 
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cybil

Member
I did look up CBT and downnloaded a mini cbt for anxiety. Monday I will do all zi can tomakr an appt to see my therapist and doctor. My stomach churns as Im typing thid. Deep breath. I HAVE to...I wanr me back badly. And yes, my brother and I, the two oldest, were abused in all forms except sexually (me-by my dads friend, but mom told me to "shut-up".) Whats worse, is we watched our little brother and sister (same parents) get spoiled. Badly. I think part og my codependency started around then, wanting so badly to be loved. My memories are tarnished with death threats fron my dad. Ive done the best I could V to forgive them for my childhood, however, being there and caring for both of them in their worst times, only brings me extrreme saddness. Im on an antidepressant, and low dose of xana, which I cut in half when needed. I hate talking about it, it brings unbelievable panic attavks thay leave me exhausted for days, but..keeping it inside doesn't hellp either..so..here we go..panic again. I use to give trust like candy, and now, i dont know how to think, feel, trying to avouf any future pain, since thats pretty much overbearung ne now..let alone the anger. I almost feel as if everyone thinks its funny to hurt others, the deeper the hurt, the funnier. Watching the news, seeing people outside of my home...is xtremely scarey. I second guess everyones actions, words, and firstirst thoughts of "what does this person get by" thoughts jump in my head, battling thoughts of paranoia, and angles to decieve me, just in an attempt to protect myself. I only have me looking out for me right now, im weak too wek for another battle. And they do nor stop.
 

Zlajo

Active member
Try PSTEC technique, with audio tracks. It's self-help, it helped me a lot. Now I can talk with anybody without fear. Not like before, when I was in my room, and try to avoid people. I didn't solved all my problems, for example, I can't confront with someone who is angry at me, but I am very optimistic. :)

Basic audio track is free, but all other tracks you need to buy.
 
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