Reason I am shy

Joanne

Joanne

New member
Hi,

I am new. I have always been shy, and therefore have low self esteem. The reason I don't talk more to people is because I am not "witty". I just don't have interesting words come to me like some other people. My husband can talk about anything to anyone, and everyone adores him. He can think of any response to anything and keep people interested and laughing. You would think he would rub off on me, but it hasn't. Does anyone here feel they are shy because they simply cannot think of things to say to hold someone's attention? Even if I wanted to talk to someone, all I can ever think of to say is the regular boring stuff, and then they usually move on to someone more interesting (like my hubby)!
 
arlequin

arlequin

Well-known member
It is the same for me. I get more and more obsessed about it cause it is difficult to find things to tell to the others. I envy people that can talk about a lot of things all along. Maybe it has nothing to do with shyness.
 
Boundless

Boundless

Well-known member
I know how you feel,some times when im talking to people in my head i know what word im going to use but it doesnt come out right,can make me look foolish at times rather annoying i must say.But worry not,on this forum speak how you wish and dont worry about it :D
 
Joanne

Joanne

New member
Yes, and sometimes I find myself trying so hard that something really dumb comes out of my mouth. Then I look dumb and feel like never even trying again. I wish I was more like my husband. I guess it is just something we are born with. Is there a way to learn this quality? I hope my two daughters take after my husband, otherwise they will have no friends. In school I had very few friends. My husband has a million friends and I have very few. And it is all related to shyness. I just cannot hold a conversation like him. My oldest daughter is very shy, so I fear she will suffer like me.
 
Boundless

Boundless

Well-known member
Im not sure its something you can just learn,im sure it comes with confidence,something most SA sufferes have very little of(me included) some people can just go into a mode where they just talk and it comes out so great,then when you try it,it comes out all wrong >.<

Thats why i much prefere typing on a forum,than talking to a real person face to face.
 
renegade

renegade

Well-known member
Joanne said:
Hi,

I am new. I have always been shy, and therefore have low self esteem. The reason I don't talk more to people is because I am not "witty". I just don't have interesting words come to me like some other people. My husband can talk about anything to anyone, and everyone adores him. He can think of any response to anything and keep people interested and laughing. You would think he would rub off on me, but it hasn't. Does anyone here feel they are shy because they simply cannot think of things to say to hold someone's attention? Even if I wanted to talk to someone, all I can ever think of to say is the regular boring stuff, and then they usually move on to someone more interesting (like my hubby)!
Click to expand...

Yes, but you know what is more important when you talk to someone ? It's attitude, is the pitch of the voice, it's the volume, it's the gestures you make, it's about looking people in the eye when you try to make your point, it's the movemonet of the head, it's being emotionaly involved, it's body language, it's charm, it's the way you say it.

So if you just stand there and not move a finger and you talk on a bearly hearable voice and you let words out like you were a robot and hesitate and have no attitude at all, they will have little effect.

I know this is hard when you suffer from SP, but when I'm drunk I'm able to hold others attention, I talk loud and I am very sure of myself and if anyone turns their eyes to someone else i just say: Hey, are you listening to me ? And surprisingly, it works, because I have attitude.

So, from my experience, it's no what you say that matters, but how you say it that makes it interesting, try it.

Maybe you could learn from your husband, try to talk it over, maybe he'll show you a few tricks

Good luck, and remember, practice makes perfect :wink:
 
Vonnie

Vonnie

Active member
Welcome, Joanne! :D I can definitely relate to what you said. So many times I'll feel dumb and boring because I'm not witty like my husband. I always get the feeling people are more comfortable with talking to him than me. He doesn't stumble with his words and yet when I talk to someone, I feel the words don't come out right or I'll struggle to think of what I want to say. Worse, I'll stutter and really feel like I'm a social geek. What I find interesting is that there have been times I've had confident conversations with people and I'll actually say something to make them laugh. Ok, I'll feel good and then a few moments later, I'll say wait, did I do that? Was that me? And then I'll go right back to thinking negative. It's like, if you do something positive and have been feeling so negative and anxious alll your life, it's scary to think you actually did something good...if I'm even making sense here...lol. So I really emphathize (sp?) with you. I've been shy all my life too and then it escalated into a social phobia. Feel free to send me an e-mail or PM if you like. :)

Renegade, wow, great advice. I'll definitely keep that in mind :D
 
Nytro

Nytro

Well-known member
If you want to feel like your husband, the biggest secrect to be a good conversationalist is listen. Most "regualars" will love it when someone just listens to them. We all want to feel loved and liked. If you can make someone feel improtant then you too will be important in there life. Then in time you will get what you want, freindship.

Try and focus not what your husband says but more on how he moves, its the non-verbal communication thats key here.

And one thing I sure learned is, dont try to make people like you focus on doing what you like to do and if they have similiar intrests they will be into you. Do things like read the newspaper and get into more hobbies on your free time then you have more enthusiasm towards what you like.

Oh and heres a huge rule that makes the most scense in life, i read about in a book. In life 33% like you, 33% dont like you, and 33% are neutral.
Start finding the people that share your intrests and worry less about making friends with the neutrals for now.
 
Nytro

Nytro

Well-known member
cool avatar, idunnoimnotcreativ from Super Mario 2 right? Heh, I could never beat that game but mario 3 was cake. :D
 
kiwi

kiwi

Well-known member
Nytro said:
If you want to feel like your husband, the biggest secrect to be a good conversationalist is listen.
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People say that, and I remember reading it in "How To Win Friends and Influence People", but I don't know that that's the key.

Although people do like to talk about themselves, if you don't reciprocate by telling them about yourself as well then I think they'll get bored eventually. The most popular people I've seen are those that can entertain others, either by telling interesting stories or being witty etc.

But I think the key is balance, equal parts good listener and talker. Unfortunately I fail miserably on the second part :(
 
arrina

arrina

Active member
I know exactly what you mean and it makes me feel so worthless that i cant come up with interesting or witty things to say. I think it is the main cause of my social phobia now because i fear conversation and now i find it difficult to even look people in the eye at all.
I am very detatched if i could make people interested maybe i could get more confidence but every time i say something i feel silly and stupid.
 
idunnoimnotcreativ

idunnoimnotcreativ

Active member
Nytro said:
cool avatar, idunnoimnotcreativ from Super Mario 2 right? Heh, I could never beat that game but mario 3 was cake. :D
Click to expand...

Why thank you...its called a Shy Guy thats why i chose it :p

lol, for me Mario 2 was a piece of cake, Mario 3 was damn hard though.

Thanks for sharing those links harvey. I've done a bit of research myself into the small talk matter and found similar info, but the problem with me is its soo hard to put those tips into practise. Like when I get into a conversation, those tips arent exactly the first things that come to mind. If you've had success I'd like to hear your advice on how you did it.
 
redlady

redlady

Well-known member
I can be witty and i have a good sense of fun - but my problem is having people around me misinterpret me - or just not get me. It upsets me to be made responsible for something that i am not - like having something i say be interpreted with a nasty meaning. It also frustrates me when people don't get me - i mean how much fucking effort does it take - so therefore my paranoia jacks up and i start to think that they are doing it on purpose to make me look like an idiot. It's just too much crap to deal with so most of the time i just keep my mouth shut. I long for the day that i dare to open my mouth to someone and let lose my wit and humour and they reciprocate in an equally silly way.
 
sweetsour_eisha

sweetsour_eisha

Well-known member
yeah it's true i always find myself in a situation similar to yours..

it's hard to communicate when there's really nothing to talk about.. and that will be the time i wanna run from people and just keep to myself somewhere around the corner.. i'll feel uncomfortable seating there being in the middle of the crowd , mute.. i wish that someday the outgoing, witty part in me will surface .. somehow
 
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