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Old 09-02-2017
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Lately, I've felt like I martyr. That (not online/in-person) That Im going out of my way in my job, my partner, my family... and do not get anything back much in return. And I do know that I give back to me- and not rely on others, but when they rely on me all the time. Ive been in a codependence with my half deaf mum for a long time and now I seem to be in one with my partner.

With my partner ( yes still with him~: / ) I just am so sick of it all being one sided. He is a non-emotional state so I try my best to make him change- becoming all about doing that- scouring the internet to make things make him laugh, buy him loads of food and everything else, initiate and take him out all the time. he is never really ever surprised by all this in a way that would satisfy my actions to him. And every single time I get disappointed and depressed and frustrated. I feel like he is so blind and selfish. And it can really create unease in me, I get nothing back - yet he doesn't see that. He thinks he is the best boyfriend in the world. Sure he is caring and nice- but he will not think about me and go out of his way for me, he will not surprise me, he just can't do a lot of things. Can't even interact most of the time, doesn't have the ability/patience to read anything or learn anything- he just glances at things. Because of his schizophrenia. Things just aren't fair. And he still owes me the money he forgets. I feel used. He has delusions of grandeur literally about himself and paranoia with Facebook mocking/profiles. I know he is like this and yet I just want even some interaction, initiation of conversation, initiation of taking me out for a first, realization that he is an ill man-boy and it's not fair to me as he has no prospects, no money. Yet seems to be in concrete that he has a future with me. I'm so tired of wanting things I can't have with him. yet i still stay. : /


With my work. They use me. They use everyone. I could report them to health and safety and even work rights and they could be instantly shut down. They don't bother to give me my checks most times and then when they do and they are piled up - I go to deposit them and they bounce and I have to wait. I then get told not to put them all in at once... I work in a mess where there is absolutely no support in many ways. I have to take my own initiative all the time and make it seem like I know what I'm doing. There's a lot of pressure on me and so much hard work to do. There are no things in place like furniture to use to actually be able to do the jobs I need to do. It's so crowded and dangerous and lifting heavy things around tight corners where customers go and then getting told off for leaving sorting bags in aisle ways - yet there is nowhere else to put them - unless I put them where customers go. Then I get told they are moving their old shop to another place and I'll be in there - a bay for me. In a shed. Heard that from a volunteer. The drive out to get there and go back home sux. By the end of the day, I feel like im going to collapse. And whilst Im trying to do all I need to do to clean up their junk- I end up getting left on my own in the shop for half a day and having to serve - even though they know I have social phobia and get blank and anxious. And at the same time- go through mountains of clothes and stuff - and clean - huge tasks that need to get done but I can't do them both. I get used.
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I know how you feel when it comes to being used . When you do too much for people they sometimes just begin to EXPECT it and at that point its almost like emotional extortion . when you do a certain amount for someone and they rarely reciprocate its just gets to the point where you have to weigh out the pros and cons and decide if the situation is really worth it.

when it comes to working/employment, sometimes things are a little bit like Poker. if you can get some good cards in your hand you'll be able to increase your odds. Might take some time though.

if you feel like people are using you too much, sometimes you have to ask yourself, what are these people really adding to YOUR life?

There was days where I would get cussed out by inmates ALL day , other officers would leave their post for like 30 or 40 minutes at a time (This one woman would go all the way to the other end of the prison just to see her boyfriend, who worked in a different building) and i'd be in charge of 90+ inmates at a time . Then when a fight would break out the sergeant would wonder why I didnt break it up.....RIIIIIIIGHT! look, i'll break up two or maybe even three guys fighting but theres is no way in hell I'm going to jump into a gang fight by myself.

Thats why good management/administration is VITAL . people can't just be hiring their friends and whatnot because then you end up having a unit full of officers, 1/3 of of whom only stay employed because they KNOW someone or did favors for them. its disgusting. some of them dont stand for jack sh!t, they're like a hyena in a uniform.




at the end of the day though, the job was worth it because I was able to help people and the salary was alright. I did the right thing and that speaks for itself. no matter what OTHER people were doing, I stuck to my code of honor and thats speaks volumes above all the backwards sh!t that other people may have done.



I think thats really important. you should do what you know is right and stick to your code, regardless of what other people think.

Last edited by AtTheGates; 09-02-2017 at 10:56 PM.
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Old 09-02-2017
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Eating a plate full of sh_it only gets you an even bigger helping the next time around.

I don't know what to tell you specifically, but we really do train people how to treat us. It's tough when you have Social Phobia, but setting boundaries at the beginning of any relationship is key... especially for people like us.

I'm starting to worry that you've gotten into a loop that you'll never get out of. I wish the best for you, Grape, but unless you start making some drastic changes I can see you being in this same spot 5 years from now.

You have GOT to break up with your boyfriend, for starters. It won't be easy, but it has to be done. Once you've escaped that shackle, maybe you'll be able to slip out of some others. At the very least, it'll be one giant load off your back.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you matter just as much as he does. You have your own issues, and it's not fair that you do all the work. Maybe someday when you're in a better place you can revisit and make something of it, but right now you just need to get out.
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I went with family to several animal shelters recently to adopt a new dog 🐶 all of the dogs were kept in kennels about a quarter the size of a bedroom with a blanket and some toys. It made me sad but as soon as I got near the dogs (or inside the cage) they wagged their tails and barked like they'd won the frickin' lottery! What's my point here? Dogs don't get jealous of other dogs that live better than they do, they don't act stone cold emotionally when you do something nice for them. Dogs don't say gimme, gimme, I want more and then ask what comes next. I believe some qualities that dogs contain are qualities we should look for in our closest friendships with other humans. Sometimes when I look at a dog I wonder which one of us is the higher evolved life form, haha 😅
Personally I wouldn't choose to be with a person that has the qualities you describe with your boyfriend but you're the only one that can choose what's best for your own life. Teaching someone that no matter how they treat you you'll always be with them is never a good thing. I've seen that shit play out in other relationships.
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Old 09-19-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FountainandFairfax View Post
Eating a plate full of sh_it only gets you an even bigger helping the next time around.

I don't know what to tell you specifically, but we really do train people how to treat us. It's tough when you have Social Phobia, but setting boundaries at the beginning of any relationship is key... especially for people like us.

I'm starting to worry that you've gotten into a loop that you'll never get out of. I wish the best for you, Grape, but unless you start making some drastic changes I can see you being in this same spot 5 years from now.

You have GOT to break up with your boyfriend, for starters. It won't be easy, but it has to be done. Once you've escaped that shackle, maybe you'll be able to slip out of some others. At the very least, it'll be one giant load off your back.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you matter just as much as he does. You have your own issues, and it's not fair that you do all the work. Maybe someday when you're in a better place you can revisit and make something of it, but right now you just need to get out.

I agree wholeheartedly. And it's getting to the point where I feel I'm mentally past making that decision to break up- that its a decision I've made. Its the act and the emotions that come with it that I find extremely hard to deal with and that prevents me from doing so.

The guilt and the loneliness and for the first time having a guy actually like me for me. Like, really like me. Those things make you hooked. Esp if you haven't had them before.

But he is like my mum tells me- 'like I'm going out with a 5-year-old literally'. It's like having someone tag along that has nothing in their life but toxic addictions and delusions and will not give you any space. That has no idea of what he is like and how badly he cannot look after his own needs let alone someone else's.

It gives me great disrespect of myself being with him. The other night I actually tried to talk to him like an adult and without a filter. He was going on again about his Facebook and how lots of people want to be his friend and look him up and try to get his attention through their profile pictures and some mocking him. And so he puts lots of things on there that are disturbing and wierd in words and pictures as a boundary, yet at the same time wants people to see how exposed he can make himself and give his all to the Facebook. He also gets angry because others dont do the same. He reckons he is a master at it..

So of course I say what I think - for once- that how does he know that people are looking him up and doing all these things? And of course he gets annoyed and then tells me that I dont know anything because I dont even have photos on my Facebook page lol .. and I dont look people up etc.. I just stay in a box..

He gets very offended. So I had an enough of it and told him what I thought haha.
I told him that he seems to me in regards to this- very disturbing, arrogant and delusions of grandeur and delusions and paranoia. And that it disturbs me also that he cannot see that. That facebook is just a leisurely social network platform - not some job worth investing in (unless you have a business of course). And that I may not have photos on my page because I have BDD but that I don't need other people's approval - I don't need to put myself out there. I tell him that I am being an adult and talking about things that are perhaps the elephant in the room - because thats whats being in a relationship about. Being honest and open.

Anyways- the point is that you just can't argue with him as he is too far delusional and not capable of patience to understand his cognitive issues.

He goes on when I mention these things that he is a 20-year heavy metal guitarist and that he doesn't have time for people. lol.

It's sad. And he doesn't see how pitiful he is.

Ive come to that stage where I just dont have respect much at all for him. he hasnt any real values. The things in his life are so small - everything he does is irresponsible and I have to be the one to fill his gaps all the time and Im sick of it.

To try and get even my boudaries from him is so hard. He interferes all the time and I end up feeling guilty and then dropping my things to d stuff with him. Stuff that I have to find and propose/intiate and then go out of my way for him and then half the time he isnt even mentally present with me and half the time decides he doesnt want to do what ever we are doing and ends up going home or something. And I end up not being able to get my things done- what ever I wanted to do.

Thats the thing- he just wanders around everyday- he only gets happy when he has a shower and does his hair- he then has no plans for his days other than to turn up at my place or ring me up for those things. Just about everyday and night too.

Anyways - yes dogs are by far better companions then a boyfriend in my books right now.

I just will need alot of coping skills that I don't feel I have yet int order to say bye to him. And Im going to have to be very blunt and to the point with him but Im so confused in what to even say and how to put it. There are so many things that are just plain not right being with him and he absolutely is unaware of them.

I feel like I've got the toxic/completely unhealthy loaf of a man dragging me down and ruining my identity/values that I have to entertain all the time and that he cant even entertain or give to me. I feel like an empty giver and its like being kicked in th guts all the time. You feel disrespected. And even when he has given a little - I dont even want to receive it.
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Old 09-19-2017
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I think your relationship ought to be viewed as a weird town you visited once on the map of your life. You stayed a little too long but that's okay because you learned something; down the road you'll avoid similar traps because of it.
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