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-   -   "Let us find you a girlfriend" (https://socialphobiaworld.com/let-us-find-you-a-girlfriend-23222/)

very_shy 01-16-2010 12:33 PM

"Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Ok, so here goes. Yesterday I met former colleagues from work, and we chatted a lot about everything (which means my SA is maybe slowly drifting away). I was relaxed up until one of them (she) asked me about my love life ::o:

So after that, my face would literally become red like the previous smiley (you could bake two eggs on it). Anyway, she said, how come I don't have a girlfriend; remarked that she knows her colleagues also being single and somehow agreed and offered that maybe one day she would find one girl (maybe her colleague) to catch me somewhere and so on! Also I discovered these plans for finding me a girl were prepared for my previous birthday, but nothing. ::o: On my reply (or better excuse!) that I don't know what I would do with a girlfriend, a loud laugh started :)

To be honest, sometimes I feel guilty in case maybe I wouldn't like the girl or that maybe she will not attract me as much (to be in love with), because I think "well, if you don't like this and this girl, how can you accuse other girls not like (or approach) you!

So, to sum up... Basically for us, guys in late twenties, with low self-esteem, being passive etc. the above friends"offer" would seem like a dream - you don't do nothing just waiting for the others! So what do you think? Would you be prepared if someone (colleague, friend, also it can be parents) tries to set up you with someone of opposite sex? Have you ever experienced it, how did it go?

klytus 01-16-2010 01:10 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Quote:

On my reply (or better excuse!) that I don't know what I would do with a girlfriend, a loud laugh started
Is it really an excuse, or do you honestly don't know? Because I don't. For what I might need a girlfriend, having an actual girlfriend would certainly be overkill.

inspirer 01-16-2010 05:07 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
*deleted message

JamieD 01-16-2010 05:10 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
I wish someone would try that with me

very_shy 01-16-2010 05:21 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by klytus (Post 240583)
Is it really an excuse, or do you honestly don't know? Because I don't. For what I might need a girlfriend, having an actual girlfriend would certainly be overkill.

Yeah, to be honest, I mainly also don't know,at least if I am considered to let's say make first move. Just wanted to sound like an excuse :cool:

Inspirer: I agree with you and I think I would behave similar to you! But I am interested, it was supposed to be blind date, or did you know this girl before?

Just thinking: even if the set-up goes wrong in any case, you can "blame" the ones who prepared it, not you:D

EDIT: JamieD: good luck! Because I think that even the intentions of helping the persons with SA in that way can help him (=us) a lot, at least he (we) is (are) somehow considered more equal to others.

megalon 01-16-2010 05:31 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by JamieD (Post 240623)
I wish someone would try that with me

+1
Lately, I have been challenging myself to accept invitations to do things with friends without just uninviting myself. I have gone to bars a few times, to see a play, and even to gamble and have lunch at the casino. I think I would take an offer to set me up on a date as a challenge and if it turned out to be a huge disaster, at least I could finally claim that I had been on a date once in my life.

inspirer 01-16-2010 05:44 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
*deleted message

Pookah 01-16-2010 05:48 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Getting and keeping. Fairly different things. The whole business is shenanigans.

Luke1993 01-16-2010 06:44 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by JamieD (Post 240623)
I wish someone would try that with me

Indeed sir. Indeed.

FountainandFairfax 01-16-2010 09:10 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
If nothing else, try to count yourself lucky that your SA is apparently "light enough" that your friends would even try something like this. It's a real vote of confidence as far as how you come-across to others.

You apparently seem normal enough that the prospect of you dating and having a girlfriend isn't some absurd notion to them. That's something to appreciate and be grateful for, congratulations.

userremoved 01-17-2010 12:06 AM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
I've been given this proposition before also, but the few times it happened the people offering never came through on it. I'm not sure if my reaction turned them off to the idea or what.

Adammm 01-17-2010 02:41 AM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
I've had similar happen to myself. When i first started uni my flatmate created a facebook group trying to help me get a girlfriend, and invited loads of people to it.. i was sooo embarrased! ::o: The group didn't achieve its aim (shockingly enough :P), but i have had a couple of occasions since then when friends who know that i am single have tried to set me up with someone. As soon as anyone tries, i just instantly start panicking and thinking of excuses to stop them... Mainly because i worry i'd just come across as really shy and boring to them

combat 01-17-2010 03:20 AM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Some people tried this with me a few years ago too... it really just didn't work because it felt so forced and awkward. I had dinner with the girl and the couple that was trying to set us up, but I practically didn't talk at all the whole time. I think it was because I felt like I was being watched and evaluated by them the whole time and I hated that there was this expectation that something was supposed to develop between us.

Silvox Black 01-17-2010 03:41 AM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pookah (Post 240640)
Getting and keeping. Fairly different things. The whole business is shenanigans.

Agreed. The mere act of finding a potential lover is not the issue. Far more difficult, is relating and staying with her. This whole set up scenario is nothing more than "shenanigans." There are far better ways of finding ones self a girlfriend.

AGR 01-17-2010 05:17 AM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jneal25 (Post 240724)
I've been given this proposition before also, but the few times it happened the people offering never came through on it. I'm not sure if my reaction turned them off to the idea or what.

Yeah it happened like this with me too,it was good,because I doubt that the kind of girl they walk with would like me or that I would like her.

very_shy 01-17-2010 09:47 AM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by FountainandFairfax (Post 240692)
If nothing else, try to count yourself lucky that your SA is apparently "light enough" that your friends would even try something like this. It's a real vote of confidence as far as how you come-across to others.

You apparently seem normal enough that the prospect of you dating and having a girlfriend isn't some absurd notion to them. That's something to appreciate and be grateful for, congratulations.

This is exactly what I was thinking: being quite flattered only from their intentions even if they don't do anything! :cool:

Quote:

Originally Posted by combat (Post 240787)
Some people tried this with me a few years ago too... it really just didn't work because it felt so forced and awkward. I had dinner with the girl and the couple that was trying to set us up, but I practically didn't talk at all the whole time. I think it was because I felt like I was being watched and evaluated by them the whole time and I hated that there was this expectation that something was supposed to develop between us.

I can imagine that, can't stand others controlling and evaluating you no matter what you are doing, especially in social situations::(: Would be less stressful if you and her would be alone, at least you can open to her more and vice versa.

klytus 01-17-2010 10:13 AM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Quote:

The mere act of finding a potential lover is not the issue.
It actually is. Try to find someone who you think to be able to form a lasting bond with, if you aren't exactly mainstream. Don't get me wrong - this isn't a complaint. It's just hard to find women - in my case - who are as passionate about my interests as I am. And those interests make up the better part of my life. If I can't share them, I can't share that significant part of my life with the person, which renders a long-lasting happy relationship virtually impossible.

eski 01-17-2010 03:40 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
When I'm at a party with this particular group of friends they always make me try to pick up or force me to get close to a girl to try and talk to them. I don't mind talking to girls usually but knowing that my friends are paying close attention to me (and even whispering to each other about me) in these situations makes me really self-conscious and i tend to become even more shy than I usually am.

One time I was sitting next to this girl I didnt know (except that she was single) at a birthday dinner and my friends were giving me signals to make a move on her but I just could not do it... couldn't even talk to her, I just sat next to her most of the night without saying a word to her and feeling all anxious... I know they are trying to help me but them watching me and their expectations puts pressure on me and makes me feel REALLY anxious and awkward... I guess I usually feel a bit like this when I'm at dinners with a group of people because of my SA but its just worse when half the people you know are watching you.

Luke1993 01-17-2010 07:25 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Silvox Black (Post 240791)
Agreed. The mere act of finding a potential lover is not the issue. Far more difficult, is relating and staying with her. This whole set up scenario is nothing more than "shenanigans." There are far better ways of finding ones self a girlfriend.

Better ways? What ways?

Weirdo 01-17-2010 08:02 PM

Re: "Let us find you a girlfriend"
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by klytus (Post 240883)
It actually is. Try to find someone who you think to be able to form a lasting bond with, if you aren't exactly mainstream. Don't get me wrong - this isn't a complaint. It's just hard to find women - in my case - who are as passionate about my interests as I am. And those interests make up the better part of my life. If I can't share them, I can't share that significant part of my life with the person, which renders a long-lasting happy relationship virtually impossible.

I'm on the same boat, finding a girl who shares my interests...it's not that hard to find one though. There's this neat place where you can find them, it's called the Internet. If you regularly go on a site or a forum about your interests, you're bound to find a girl there sooner or later. Then all you have to do is hope she doesn't live more than 100 miles away and isn't 5 years older. Worked for me twice so far, though the first one rejected me and the second one I don't feel like asking out yet..I'll wait a year or so :p


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