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Old 04-20-2017
GraybeardGhost's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PugofCrydee View Post
DAMMIT!!! Two chances for the world to be obliterated in the last few days.. so close!

Nuclear war and an asteroid..
Keep your fingers crossed. Trump's not going anywhere for a while.





And by , I mean of course, .
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Old 04-20-2017
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Dreams of frosting...
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Crossing my finger that my license does not get suspended and that I'm free to drive. I literally just got my car back after almost a year of not driving and now I'm not sure I'm going to have a license right now :(. If you have 2 or more seizures in a year they can take your license away, and it's required that the doctor report it to the dmv. I also hope not to have another seizure any time soon because it freaks me out. Falling straight back, whacking my head on the cement and having the convulsions is pretty damn scary. I'm glad I didn't get any permanent damage from it, but I really want to have the freedom to drive, I've felt so restricted lately.
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Old 04-21-2017
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Reality has been good to me. As long as we've been divorced, it has never once asked for alimony.
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Old 04-23-2017
 

Hey everyone, how about another post about my appearance because that's seemingly all I care about these days? I annoy myself with this -_-

Today at the store there was a cashier who was clearly interested in me and then immediately checked out my sister afterward (checked out as in rang her up) and acted normal. This obviously offended my sister and she started attacking me, but it wasn't in a nasty way, but more so being angry at me for being discontented with my looks and always trying to improve. She said that I will never be happy with myself when I should be because I am considered "pretty". I don't feel pretty; I feel disgusting. I completely ****ed up my body by being fat my whole life and because of anxiety/my thyroid condition I am ****ing sweating again under my armpits - it's absolutely ****ing humiliating. My mind is so warped from the media - I know people are photoshopped and wear body makeup in movies, but for some reason I choose to believe that the way they look is "normal" and I am abnormal because I don't look like them - I am not flawless.

Some days I feel good about myself and feel attractive, but maintaining that feeling all day is nearly impossible because how I feel about myself is highly influenced by how others feel about me, it's ridiculous. Like, if no guys give me any real attention or if almost no one talks to me, I feel like Sloth from The Goonies.

Going back to what happened today; my sister asked me if women treat me differently because of my looks and the answer is: YES, they do. I don't feel attractive most of the time, but people act like I am/tell me I am. That being said, being "pretty" is not easy either. Women aren't that nice and getting a lot of attention when you already have anxiety is rough. It's, like, on one hand, you want to be noticed, but when it happens, you're scared shitless. I know that women are only being that way because of their own insecurities because, admittedly, I do it too.

Life is hard :/
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Old 04-23-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pacific_Loner View Post
Seriously, I try to like children, but I'm sitting outside trying to study and all I can hear is children crying and screaming from all directions except upward.
Those damn underground tunneling mole kids, man. Just the worst.
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Old 04-24-2017
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Work today was terrible. I almost cried a lot. I kept doing dumb things and being awkward. I hate this place so much.
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Old 04-25-2017
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I seem to living a life of fear, testing my worst fears every week it seems. The next two days at work will answer the test that the worse will happen. I probably won't sleep well.
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Old 04-25-2017
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Hie ye hence from me heath!
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Birth is pain
Life is pain
Death is pain
It's all the same
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Old 04-25-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
Birth is pain
Life is pain
Death is pain
It's all the same
Isn't that the truth.
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Old 04-25-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
Birth is pain
Life is pain
Death is pain
It's all the same
Death is pain? I thought death was sweet release, just my opinion.
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Old 04-25-2017
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I work at a restaurant where one of the benefits is free soda while I'm working. I've been taking advantage of it so often I'm beginning to rip some of the enamel off of my teeth from all the soda. I need to stop but my brain is too addicted to it.
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Old 04-25-2017
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Hie ye hence from me heath!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by defiance View Post
Isn't that the truth.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hot_Tamale View Post
Death is pain? I thought death was sweet release, just my opinion.
Depends how ya go in yer last moments, I guess.
Anyway, I was in a shit mood when I made that post. Which is actually lyrics taken from this Metallica s.


Quite depressing when ya see an abnormal level of relatability in James Hetfield's song lyrics in relation to yer own life.
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Old 04-25-2017
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I'm troubled by the statistic saying that "more than 90% of the people commiting suicide suffers from a diagnosable mental illness". I mean where does this come from? How can they know that? If they say "diagnosable", it means that they were not all diagnosed, which means that they just assumed that those who were not diagnosed were diagnosable? What kind of statistic is that? Where does that % even come from??
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Old 04-26-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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I have insomnia again. Tomorrow's going to be absolutely horrible if I don't get a decent amount of sleep... SOON.

I've averaged about 3 hours sleep per night for the last two weeks. The one night when I didn't have anything to do the next day (Saturday) I finally crashed for 18 hours.

Just knowing there's something I have to do gets me this way. I'll lay in bed all night watching the clock worried about not sleeping. I laid down two hours ago, only to get back up just now because I'm sore from all the tossing and turning.

I'm exhausted - my eyes are heavy, my body is weak, but something in my head just won't let me fall asleep. It makes my phobia so much worse because not only will I have the standard paranoia tomorrow, but I'll also look like utter dog sh*t on top of it... and I don't need any help in that department.

I know people laugh at me, I look terrible and then I'm weird on top of it.

I hate this.
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Old 04-26-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FountainandFairfax View Post
I have insomnia again. Tomorrow's going to be absolutely horrible if I don't get a decent amount of sleep... SOON.

I've averaged about 3 hours sleep per night for the last two weeks. The one night when I didn't have anything to do the next day (Saturday) I finally crashed for 18 hours.

Just knowing there's something I have to do gets me this way. I'll lay in bed all night watching the clock worried about not sleeping. I laid down two hours ago, only to get back up just now because I'm sore from all the tossing and turning.

I'm exhausted - my eyes are heavy, my body is weak, but something in my head just won't let me fall asleep. It makes my phobia so much worse because not only will I have the standard paranoia tomorrow, but I'll also look like utter dog sh*t on top of it... and I don't need any help in that department.

I know people laugh at me, I look terrible and then I'm weird on top of it.

I hate this.

I know exactly how that is, iv have trouble sleeping some nights because of my job. then I go to work the next morning looking like I just crawled out of a coffin. the only way I can prevent myself from feeling so self-conscious about it is to pretty much put myself on "auto-pilot" in order to get through the day without focusing too much thought onto certain things that i ant control ...I guess its easier said than done.



still havent figured out what to do about the occasional insomnia yet though. i dont want to take any medications but iv been considering looking into ambien or something similar. just for emergencies when I can't sleep at ALL and really need it.
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FountainandFairfax (04-26-2017)
Old 04-26-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AtTheGates View Post
I know exactly how that is, iv have trouble sleeping some nights because of my job. then I go to work the next morning looking like I just crawled out of a coffin. the only way I can prevent myself from feeling so self-conscious about it is to pretty much put myself on "auto-pilot" in order to get through the day without focusing too much thought onto certain things that i ant control ...I guess its easier said than done.



still havent figured out what to do about the occasional insomnia yet though. i dont want to take any medications but iv been considering looking into ambien or something similar. just for emergencies when I can't sleep at ALL and really need it.
I tried Ambien, but didn't really get anything out of it. I think Ativan has a better reputation for helping people sleep. I think they give it to the patients at the rehab where my mother works.
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Old 04-27-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackPuma View Post
Those damn underground tunneling mole kids, man. Just the worst.
Haha I didn't notice your comment. I'm on the second floor and I have a balcony, which explains the kids below

Quote:
Originally Posted by Psychedelicious View Post
Crossing my finger that my license does not get suspended and that I'm free to drive. I literally just got my car back after almost a year of not driving and now I'm not sure I'm going to have a license right now :(. If you have 2 or more seizures in a year they can take your license away, and it's required that the doctor report it to the dmv. I also hope not to have another seizure any time soon because it freaks me out. Falling straight back, whacking my head on the cement and having the convulsions is pretty damn scary. I'm glad I didn't get any permanent damage from it, but I really want to have the freedom to drive, I've felt so restricted lately.
Holy shit I just noticed this as well. Do the doctors know why you're having seizures? I hope you get better o_O
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Old 04-27-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pacific_Loner View Post
Haha I didn't notice your comment. I'm on the second floor and I have a balcony, which explains the kids below
I'm in a similar situation with the kids downstairs (and their little dog, too). I feel your pain.

What's even worse at the moment is the new guy next door who thinks it's ok to slam doors and play his electric guitar (loudly) in an apartment complex where other people just might be trying to live in peace. Now he's becoming friendly with the girl who lives across from me, so they're having loud conversations right outside my door. I do not love this. I guess if they hook up, they'll go inside at least, but it'll probably be his apartment, since it's larger, and then I'll have to listen to stuff I really don't want to hear.

In other random news, my car battery has finally died after 5 1/2 months of neglect (and possibly the rest of the car with it), they've changed the trash system here to something I no longer understand, and my brother is acting very much like himself, which is never a good thing.

A one-way ticket to the end of the line, please, Conductor. I want to get off this crazy train for good.
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Old 04-27-2017
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just found out that a corrections officer was killed by an inmate in cumberland county which is about two hours from here. I have to work friday-sunday and the weekend is when we have to do SRG searches ("Security Risk Group", which basically means gangs)..last time I had to do SRG searches, two bloods followed me and the other officer around the pod and asked us weird questions the whole time. it didnt SEEM threatening other that the fact that they wee bloods but THAT was enough to put me on edge. I ended up finding a tube sock tied off at the end with a rock inside it in one of their lockers . I confiscated it and wrote him up but we had an acting sergeant there on that day (because our sergeant wasnt there) and she didnt follow through with having him sent to single cell/segregation....so yeah, he's still in dorm 3 and I'm going to have to deal with him on saturday....its very likely that by him not being sent to seg (segregation) that he got the impression that: "I can screw with this officer and not have ANY repercussions for it" or something along those lines

sometimes I feel like management doesnt back up their officers the way they SHOULD. ...and that can put the officer in a situation where they can be more easily targeted by certain inmates.. anyway, that inmate in particular should have been sent to seg but someone higher up didnt do their job so now, like I said, he's still in regular population . so....all things considered, idk how he's going to react when I have to thoroughly search him on saturday but its possible that things might get heated if he refuses to comply

for the first time on this job, I'm actually kind of scared of what might happen to me. I just hope theres a good officer assigned to patrol in dorms 3 &4 this weekend who I can rely on to go balls to the wall if things get heated with one of those gang members (mainly the one i mentioned) ....I feel like I'm one of the few C.O's in that area of the prison who actually has a pair of fvcking BALLS, but there are defintely a few others whom I KNOW I can rely on to back me up .


in may they are supposed to be switched all the officers around to let them work in different parts of the complex and i can't WAIT for that because dorms 3 &4 (where iv been assigned) are one of the most dangerous places to work in the WHOLE complex. its really starting to get nerve racking and i hope they assign me to the yard or chow hall so i can just have a ****ing breather for once.

when people say this is a thankless job, they really mean it. this sh!t is wearing me down . I just need a break from the dorms and ill be fine though.


btw , THIS is something similar to what I found in the locker of that bloods gang member except it was just one BIG rock instead of multiple smaller ones:


its a really dangerous improvised weapon because an inmate can hide it under their jump suit and EASILY inflict some serious blunt force trauma with little effort.
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Old 04-29-2017
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today actually went really good. The warden came down to our building to check things out and he actually came into the control booth to talk to me and we ended up having a conversation . it really boosted my morale that he would come all the way down to dorm 4 to talk with me. at first i was worried that i was in trouble but then I quickly realized that that wasnt the case . I was nervous the whole time because I didn't want to slip up and say something stupid in front of the warden, of all people. haha
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