poll just for guys

I think I couldn't live without sex, so I probably break it off or ask for an open relationship.

I'm half guy btw,i am both genders so that's why i reply

SCP-087-1 said:

But ultimately relationships are give and take. I would break it off.

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Give and take, yes. This is right. However, sex is not the only thing you give and take, you have plenty of other things involved.

Opaline said:

Sex is a necessary part of all romantic relationships because that is what romance is based on, is it not??

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What about trust, communication, being close, honesty, companionship, loyalty...?

I'm not a guy, but thought I'd offer you some words.

I don't know your story, but being abused as a child and being depressed my whole life, I never really got the whole sex thing. In relationships I could do it, but I didn't really get the point. I finally opened up about the abuse with close people and I started feeling a bit better even though I always thought it didn't bother me. It's actually only recently when I started getting treatment for my depression that changed my whole look on sex. Even been learning a lot about what I like and now I find it great and can't imagine a relationship without it.

If something has happened, or you're having some negative physical reactions to sex, I'd look into getting help. I know, it sounds weird talking to someone about sex. I was so tired of people wanting to do the dirty and it was the same as folding laundry to me. (Not horrible, but so boring are we done yet) So I stopped being quiet about it and I'm glad I did. My first antidepressant I walked in and just said "ey doc, can't orgasm. Change this crap." (common problem with antidepressants) And she just worked with it. That's what they do. Doctors look at uglys all the time when someone gets an STD. They watch babies comin out of those things. They don't care to talk to someone about it. My issues are all settled now and I have a whole new outlook on sex.

I find it really unlikely that you can be in a relationship (with someone not asexual) and not have issues regarding sex. You might run into desperate people just wanting any kind of relationship and tell you it won't bother them. But years in they may change their mind.

My suggestion: Seek out help. Find someone who's understanding and won't mind taking it slow.

Again, I don't know your story to really be able to fully express my opinion on your situation.

As a matter of fact, I am a man, and I wouldn't mind a root, sorry to be crass and all that.

Hellhound said:

What about trust, communication, being close, honesty, companionship, loyalty...?

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Wouldn't be good enough for me. There has to be that extra special ingredient there.

Opaline said:

Sex is a necessary part of all romantic relationships because that is what romance is based on, is it not?? Otherwise it's just a friendship. If someone has a convincing argument as to how you can call a relationship romantic without sex, I'm all ears. You can hold hands and cuddle but how can that last long term? Maybe I'm complicating it or am just plain wrong, but... I don't know.

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I'm not really the best person to talk about this as I have single for so very long, but surely you don't begin a relationship instantly thinking of sex? I can't wrap my mind around basing a serious relationship on sex "oh if wasn't for you being so bad at sex or not wanting to have it you would be perfect" to me that's just an "I only love you for your body" type of view point, and honestly I would rather just be single.

Opaline said:

Sex is a necessary part of all romantic relationships because that is what romance is based on, is it not?? Otherwise it's just a friendship. If someone has a convincing argument as to how you can call a relationship romantic without sex, I'm all ears. You can hold hands and cuddle but how can that last long term? Maybe I'm complicating it or am just plain wrong, but... I don't know.

And no, kissing is obviously not sex, but that wasn't my point. When you actively kiss someone beyond just on the lips or cheek or whatever, it often leads to sex, or at least that's the tone of the interaction - intimate, sensual. After a while it gets to be inevitable that it will lead to sex, otherwise what would be the point in getting so intimate? I personally think "French" kissing is more intimate/sexual than people admit to. My culture says it's "only a kiss" but for god's sake you're sticking your tongue in another person's mouth!

Feel free to argue with me just my current view and I'm not married to it.

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I agree that sexual attraction plays a role in romantic relationships. I sometimes feel it shouldn't do, but it seems to be a part of human nature. I'm also not saying that going without sex with the one I love wouldn't be difficult and a sacrifice. But I'm not sure I agree that without sex our relationship could never be more than friendship. I've known girls in my life that I've loved very very much and never had sex with. When I think about them I know my feelings for them are more than friendship and perhaps that is due to an element of sexual attraction. But I don't think I agree with this kind of idea of inevitability, that it's all about sex and must all eventually culminate in sex or it's nothing but friendship. I don't see why I couldn't contain those impulses and control them. If my partner had problems with sex, I feel as though the love I have for her would still remain, even if we abstained from sex. I'm thinking of one girl in particular that I've known, and if someone told me I could spend the rest of my life with her on one condition, we're not allowed to have sex, there's no way it'd stop me. I'd bite their hand off. Plus, also, what do couples do all the rest of the time when they're not having sex? Does the relationship suddenly become non-romantic? I guess I feel like if you take the sex part out, all the rest will still remain. But perhaps that's naive? I'm guessing you are currently in, or have been in a sexually active relationship, whereas I am not currently in or have ever been in a sexually active relationship, so perhaps that may explain our different takes on the topic. It's an interesting one to think about though!

We could definitely be friends, but there is no way I would ever be in a relationship with someone who was asexual, didn't want sex, or had some issue about sex that they were unwilling to address for the sake of the relationship. I would even struggle in a relationship with someone with a much lower sex drive than myself.

Even if we had the world in common and everything was otherwise perfect, the fact that I knew that there would never ever be any mutually enjoyable sex between us would make me endlessly frustrated and annoyed and unhappy.

There's no way I would ever want to be in an open relationship because I would end up having to go out and find people who I couldn't commit to over and over, and that's not at ALL what I am into.

I seriously think I would rather be alone than be with someone who didn't want to have sex with me... because at least then I would be able to potentially meet someone and start a fulfilling relationship.

A sexless relationship would be like prison, except that in prison I might actually be able to find some cute guy to protect me or vice versa, so it would actually be worse.

O_O @ the reinforced concrete wall that sex is for some people here. why is it such a big deal? how much more is it to you beyond sticking a thing into another thing and getting endorphed?

Hellhound said:

What about trust, communication, being close, honesty, companionship, loyalty...?

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Those are certainly very important aspects of a solid romantic relationship. But so is sex. I'm not saying I think it's impossible to have a long-lasting romantic relationship without sex, but I am skeptical and I'm wondering if it's been done before. If it has, well there you go, it's possible, but I've never heard of that happening and I wonder how it works because the foundation of romance is sexual. The whole reason we become attracted to the opposite sex and want to have a relationship is so that we will procreate. Obviously it is a lot more complex than that, as are most things.

worrywort said:

I agree that sexual attraction plays a role in romantic relationships. I sometimes feel it shouldn't do, but it seems to be a part of human nature. I'm also not saying that going without sex with the one I love wouldn't be difficult and a sacrifice. But I'm not sure I agree that without sex our relationship could never be more than friendship. I've known girls in my life that I've loved very very much and never had sex with. When I think about them I know my feelings for them are more than friendship and perhaps that is due to an element of sexual attraction. But I don't think I agree with this kind of idea of inevitability, that it's all about sex and must all eventually culminate in sex or it's nothing but friendship. I don't see why I couldn't contain those impulses and control them. If my partner had problems with sex, I feel as though the love I have for her would still remain, even if we abstained from sex. I'm thinking of one girl in particular that I've known, and if someone told me I could spend the rest of my life with her on one condition, we're not allowed to have sex, there's no way it'd stop me. I'd bite their hand off. Plus, also, what do couples do all the rest of the time when they're not having sex? Does the relationship suddenly become non-romantic? I guess I feel like if you take the sex part out, all the rest will still remain. But perhaps that's naive? I'm guessing you are currently in, or have been in a sexually active relationship, whereas I am not currently in or have ever been in a sexually active relationship, so perhaps that may explain our different takes on the topic. It's an interesting one to think about though!

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Maybe it is possible then. I'm not in a relationship at the moment but I have been and have dated a little bit as well. I certainly don't want to be with someone ONLY for sex, and I don't think most people who want a relationship only want sex, but it is important because it facilitates bonding on a deeper level than just cuddling and holding hands and talking - honestly, look it up, having sex with the one you love brings you closer together in a way nothing else quite does.

gummybear22 said:

O_O @ the reinforced concrete wall that sex is for some people here. why is it such a big deal? how much more is it to you beyond sticking a thing into another thing and getting endorphed?

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Sex is a big deal because we are sexual beings, and while sex is not part and parcel of everything we do, it plays a huge factor in a lot of what we do, since we evolved with the drive to procreate. Obviously the matter of procreation is different in our current age with overpopulation, but the drive is still there and the desire for bonding. It's not always just something you do for kicks. It's not just "sticking a thing into another thing and getting endorphed" - that's honestly a pretty shallow and simplistic view of sex.

worrywort said:

If my partner had problems with sex, I feel as though the love I have for her would still remain, even if we abstained from sex. I'm thinking of one girl in particular that I've known, and if someone told me I could spend the rest of my life with her on one condition, we're not allowed to have sex, there's no way it'd stop me. I'd bite their hand off. Plus, also, what do couples do all the rest of the time when they're not having sex? Does the relationship suddenly become non-romantic? I guess I feel like if you take the sex part out, all the rest will still remain. But perhaps that's naive? I'm guessing you are currently in, or have been in a sexually active relationship, whereas I am not currently in or have ever been in a sexually active relationship, so perhaps that may explain our different takes on the topic. It's an interesting one to think about though!

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This sounds like me in my 20s, but looking back on it I realize that the promise of sex (or my perception of such) was almost always the biggest driver of attraction.

There's a difference between pining for someone because you think something might happen one day and knowing that you'll never ever be able to have someone for as long as you live no matter what you do, how charming you are, or how much effort you put into making them happy.

Opaline said:

It's not just "sticking a thing into another thing and getting endorphed" - that's honestly a pretty shallow and simplistic view of sex.

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I know it's more than that for a number of people; I was asking how much more it IS/was to those people than the mechanics and euphoric feelings- like asking what more is a dog to you than just a four legged animal.

why is sex the ultimate luxury to you?

Look at it this way. Someone is offering me a good relationship with trust and love and all that jazz but there is no sexual element. I know I could get a good relationship with someone else that has trust and love and all that jazz but they are also willing to have a sexual element to the relationship. Why would I settle for the first option? It's not my job to love everyone and make everyone feel special. I just want the best relationship that I can get.

I think if you spent as much energy trying to solve your problems as you are trying to convince/find people who would accept not having a sexual relation, you'd be almost there.

Again, don't know your story but from what I see here it just looks like you're looking for a reason to not have to put in the work to solve your problems. You claimed to not be asexual, so you're choosing to hold onto your problems instead of solving them.

Look, it's really slim that you're going to find someone who would accept not having sex in the relationship. Arguing with people who disagree with you won't change that.

Sex is a hell of a lot more than putting one thing in another. It's a connection you create that you can't get just by holding hands. It's hard to explain to someone who has never been in committed sexual relationship. You're fulfilling a need of yours while fulfilling a need of someone else.

Is sex a need that if one doesn't have they'll die? No. But if you compare it electricity. You lived your whole life with games, TV, internet, lights, stoves, fridges etc. Will we die if we don't have those? No. But it sure makes life a hell of a lot better.

Sex also relieves stress. Having a shitty day? Go home and do your partner and have a good night rest and wake up feeling good.

Sex is a part of the human race. Like someone else said, have the perfect relationship but never to have sex, or have the perfect relationship and have sex? It's an easy choice for most the population.

Missing said:

I think if you spent as much energy trying to solve your problems as you are trying to convince/find people who would accept not having a sexual relation, you'd be almost there.

Again, don't know your story but from what I see here it just looks like you're looking for a reason to not have to put in the work to solve your problems. You claimed to not be asexual, so you're choosing to hold onto your problems instead of solving them.

Look, it's really slim that you're going to find someone who would accept not having sex in the relationship. Arguing with people who disagree with you won't change that.

Sex is a hell of a lot more than putting one thing in another. It's a connection you create that you can't get just by holding hands. It's hard to explain to someone who has never been in committed sexual relationship. You're fulfilling a need of yours while fulfilling a need of someone else.

Is sex a need that if one doesn't have they'll die? No. But if you compare it electricity. You lived your whole life with games, TV, internet, lights, stoves, fridges etc. Will we die if we don't have those? No. But it sure makes life a hell of a lot better.

Sex also relieves stress. Having a shitty day? Go home and do your partner and have a good night rest and wake up feeling good.

Sex is a part of the human race. Like someone else said, have the perfect relationship but never to have sex, or have the perfect relationship and have sex? It's an easy choice for most the population.

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first of all, i'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. i'm not trying to find someone to be with by my thread. i'm not looking for a reason to do anything. i'm not arguing with people that disagree, i'm trying to find out what they think. sex isn't always a connection you make with the person; sometimes it's just doing him/her and nothing more.
no need for you to show anger towards me for being different than you. i'm not fussing with you for thinking differently than i do, just as i am not fussing with others who think differently than I. if you want to get angry at someone who has different ideas than you, take your conversation elsewhere.

I wasn't angry. I was telling you my opinion. You're spending more time trying to make yourself feel better than you are trying to solve your problems. You said yourself you're not going to seek help. If you don't want to put the work in yourself, why have someone work to be in a relationship that has no intimacy?

Just because you don't like my opinion, it doesn't mean I'm angry. I have much more important things to put energy into than being angry at someone on the interwebs.

guess i mistook the tone from your post......

i'm just curious what people on here think. it's not making me feel better really, it's just giving me more insight.

Couldn't do it without sex. That's just being friends then.

Missing said:

Sex is a part of the human race. Like someone else said, have the perfect relationship but never to have sex, or have the perfect relationship and have sex? It's an easy choice for most the population.

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I think you really hit the nail on the head!