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Old 10-22-2013
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Well, it's been a long time since I've been on here.
Ask me why, I don't know. Just trying to re-evaluate my situation, me, .... the list seems endless and I got stuck. eh, it happens!

so, onto my question....

Anyhow....I've been going to college, as some may know. I am currently taking a class in psychology and I am handling the class quite well, it's a smaller class population, so perhaps that helps.

My question is this: (and it's a bit for research for my upcoming paper I have to write) what is your opinion on open relationships/open marriages?

The teacher bought this topic up to us and we were to discuss it, and eventually write a paper about it.

Some are very opposed to it (most female) and some are for it (most male).

A fellow classmate said that she was in a open relationship with a guy but only really agreed to it because she thought that once they started living together that he would 'come around' and only want to be with her. (the relationship didn't work out, btw)

Another person said that she was days away from marrying a guy and both had agreed to open marriage but a few days before, he got arrested for something on craigslist. She told the class that 'if he had only been honest and not sneak around on me, that it would be ok' <-- that struck me as weird...she kinda missed the point...not only was he dishonest but he DID get arrested and now has a record, and duh, open relationship she agreed to....eh, idk.... (long story, I'm trying to be brief)

these are just a couple examples as to who spoke up about it. Personally, I do not know much about it. I've never really been in serious relationship so I feel I really am looking at this from a naive point of view.

Which leads me to being quite stumped about the paper I am to write.
I mean, yes, I did a google search, wrote down what the teacher said, how this is becoming more prevalent in today's society and other cultures, oy! at this point I am overwhelmed with information from all sides...the good, bad, ugly, those who agree, who oppose....it's endless.

So this is where you all come in. Basically, what are your 'raw' thoughts about it, have you ever experienced it, would you agree or not if entering a relationship, any cultural differences, or do you know anyone who has been in a successful open relationship and/or marriage?

MUCH APPRECIATE your help....

BIG HUGS TO ALL....

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Old 10-22-2013
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Well, everyone has the right to have his/her own opinion about it, nobody has the right to tell others how to live their relationship(s).

I think that for some people it makes sense, for others it doesn't.

Some people are so jealous, they couldn't even bear for a second that their partner has someone else. Or they are so unsecure, that they think it's their fault if their partner has someone else as well, or they think that they are not good enough or whatever. For those, obviously, an open relationship of any sort wouldn't work.

But there are already many arguments that go for an open marriage / relationship. Many people cheat on each other anyway all the time, both men and women. So an open relationship would be in many cases like a regular relationship without the lies.
In addition, it gives people freedom. It gives them the feeling of only gaining from a relationship, instead of paying with freedom.
Also, someone might have hobbies or preferences (of a sexual or any other sort), that the partner has no interest in taking part in. In a monogamous relationship that means, that either one partner is unsatisfied (in matters of sex) or has to do those hobbies alone (like, I don't know, photography or whatever). Or that the partner is forcing him-/herself to participate despite not wanting to, which doesn't help either. In an open relationship, that someone can simply do that with somebody else, doing what he/she likes and taking pressure off the partner.

In my circle of friends, both of these types of relationships are around. My best friend allowed her partner, about half a year ago, to have a second girlfriend, who lives right next door. And that best friend of mine is very happy about it, because it keeps her partner happy, it keeps that third person happy, and she doesn't have to worry that much about her partner being unhappy.

In the end, the only thing that matters is that you're happy. And since we are all different, we all have to live in different ways. There is no absolute right or wrong (as long as nobody is hurt).
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Old 10-22-2013
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To me it sounds like the people would like to eat their cake and have it at the same time, wishy washiness, keeping your options open just in case.. and subsequent lack of love, because that comes with => mature acceptance of commitment and responsiblity. In the past, family was sacred and people had respect to each other, also because it took them effort and sacrifices. Today everyone is just selfish, thinking of having as much entertainment as possible instead of comiting and giving, building the relationship even despite obstacles. Not giving it up for someting easier, when difficulties arise.
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Old 10-22-2013
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I've been in one off these before and let me tell you, it was total ****. Honestly it was because I was turning into something dark and was afraid I'd make another mistake, just bigger you know. My point is, if a person feels like they need to hoard sex, cybering, hugging/ whatever they get from being close to people, they are not well. Heck, I was at borderline addict levels. As for the arguments above.....why would you marry anyone who doesn't share your kinks? Why would you have a soulmate who doesn't share something as weird and private as that? I know from experience life's a whole lot better when you have lots of things in common and any creepy ideas you get are met with a smile.

Sorry I got off topic.

Your question was what were the downsides, I tried to give some. The upsides are when both of you are very worn down and yet sorta need the relationship. You're not intending it to last long, you just want company and don't have time to have a perfect match.
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Old 10-22-2013
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Each to their own. I personally wouldn't mind being in an open relationship.
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I think each to their own but I would have to be emotionally dead to be ok with something like that.
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Old 10-22-2013
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I really don't know how I would feel about this... I think I would probably hate it, though.
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I think it would take two very special people to make it work. Monogamous relationships are hard enough, I can't imagine how complicated it would get having other people mixed in. The emotional attachments, the jealousy, the potential competition...oy. If that's how it's going to be then why bother calling it a relationship at all?
That being said, I kind of don't believe in long-term monogamous relationships, on a fundamental level. Of course they are possible, but I don't think we are hard-wired to do it naturally. That's kind of beside the point, however.
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Old 10-22-2013
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Nope,I think most families structures are weak as it is,recently I am realizing that most people I think are bad people,promiscuous girls,guys,I am realizing that they come from weak families,weak parents,kinda feel sorry for them,then I remember how they are.....kids are nothing without a family,even if you pretend that you are a normal family,people don't have much time,this time would be better spend with your family.
It is also a major turn off when I learn a girl is into this or even considering,I would never have a family with someone like this,wouldn't feel that they are giving their all or that they would be happy,just one more reason that I am single.
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To each their own. I don't have a problem with people being in open relationships. But I find it hyprocritical that people are OK with open relationships but not OK with Mormon families (the ones with multiple wives and kids). I see them as practically the same thing, except that in Mormon families, the wives and husband are legally married.
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I believe that everyone should live their lives the way they want. They aren't hurting anyone.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaim38 View Post
To each their own. I don't have a problem with people being in open relationships. But I find it hyprocritical that people are OK with open relationships but not OK with Mormon families (the ones with multiple wives and kids). I see them as practically the same thing, except that in Mormon families, the wives and husband are legally married.
Only some Mormons are like that actually, but I agree with your point
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Old 10-22-2013
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaim38 View Post
To each their own. I don't have a problem with people being in open relationships. But I find it hyprocritical that people are OK with open relationships but not OK with Mormon families (the ones with multiple wives and kids). I see them as practically the same thing, except that in Mormon families, the wives and husband are legally married.
And except that the women are not allowed to have multiple husbands, which is most likely the part that people have a problem with. I'm all for polygamy, but it kind of needs to be an equal playing field.
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Old 10-22-2013
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Originally Posted by Flanscho View Post
Also, someone might have hobbies or preferences (of a sexual or any other sort), that the partner has no interest in taking part in. In a monogamous relationship that means, that either one partner is unsatisfied (in matters of sex)
Give-and-take. You can't always have it your way, this especially goes for relationships. I'd say try to find a compromise that meets part of both partners needs and accept you can't change one another.

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Originally Posted by Flanscho View Post
or has to do those hobbies alone (like, I don't know, photography or whatever)..
One could just make new friends to participate in those hobbies in groups, though?

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Originally Posted by Lea View Post
To me it sounds like the people would like to eat their cake and have it at the same time, wishy washiness, keeping your options open just in case.. and subsequent lack of love, because that comes with => mature acceptance of commitment and responsiblity. In the past, family was sacred and people had respect to each other, also because it took them effort and sacrifices. Today everyone is just selfish, thinking of having as much entertainment as possible instead of comiting and giving, building the relationship even despite obstacles. Not giving it up for someting easier, when difficulties arise.
This, so much this. In today's society we are told to always aim for the best. Instead of appreciating what we've got, we're looking at the things we're missing. So when in a relationship, these people wonder: 'Hmm, well he/she is really nice and all that, but I'd love if this person was a bit more adventurous/spontaneous/promiscuous/intellectual/fill in-the-desired-character-or-body-traits-here'. Instead of accepting their partner the way they are, they want more. So they come up with the term 'open relationships'. Honestly, if you ask me it's nothing more than having another f*ckbuddy.

Last edited by Raichel; 10-22-2013 at 09:55 PM. Reason: Quoting is hard.
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Old 10-22-2013
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Originally Posted by Raichel View Post
Give-and-take. You can't always have it your way, this especially goes for relationships. I'd say try to find a compromise that meets part of both partners needs and accept you can't change one another.
That makes no sense.
You basically say "well, relationships often suck anyway, so why should some people be happy if I can't". Only because your relationship requires you to make compromises, it doesn't mean that everybody else has to live that way as wlel.
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Old 10-22-2013
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This, so much this. In today's society we are told to always aim for the best. Instead of appreciating what we've got, we're looking at the things we're missing. So when in a relationship, these people wonder: 'Hmm, well he/she is really nice and all that, but I'd love if this person was a bit more adventurous/spontaneous/promiscuous/intellectual/fill in-the-desired-character-or-body-traits-here'. Instead of accepting their partner the way they are, they want more. So they come up with the term 'open relationships'. Honestly, if you ask me it's nothing more than having another f*ckbuddy.
I don't think that craving sex outside of monogamous relationships is in any way a new thing... and I would imagine the appeal is more about the adventure or the thrill of doing something taboo instead of actually looking for things that are missing in your relationship. In some ways, it can show your partner that you're so trusting of your special bond that you're willing to let them go and experiment because you know they love you enough to come back.

There really are no rational arguments against this kind of thing... just moral judgments with very little basis. I think it's mostly a personal choice-- some people would like it and some people wouldn't.
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Old 10-22-2013
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That makes no sense.
You basically say "well, relationships often suck anyway, so why should some people be happy if I can't". Only because your relationship requires you to make compromises, it doesn't mean that everybody else has to live that way as wlel.
Huh? What are you on about? I never said relationships suck.

But I mean, certainly every relationship - whether romantically or friendly doesn't matter - requires you to make a certain amount of compromises. People are different, you won't always agree with each other on each and every subject. In order to maintain a healthy relationship you have to give-and-take. It's about accepting the good and the bad qualities of people, because we all have those and if you continue to look for perfection you'll never be fully satisfied or happy.

Open relationships seems to me as wanting to have the best of both, if not multiple, worlds. But why? Why can't they be satisfied and happy with just their current partner? You can't be in love with multiple people at once. You can however be in love AND lust after someone else. They need another sexual outlet so they form a second 'relationship'.

I don't like how in this society of ours it's always about bigger and better, more and more.
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I would not cope with it. Forming a relationship with one person would be a big enough challenge for me. I am so used to my own company that it would be a huge decision to let just one person into my life. I like being on my own, an open relationship would be hell for me. The complications of dealing with an open relationship would be intolerable. I'd imagine there could be jealousy and resentment in such a relationship. If it works for some people then good luck.
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Old 10-23-2013
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Originally Posted by Lea View Post
To me it sounds like the people would like to eat their cake and have it at the same time, wishy washiness, keeping your options open just in case.. and subsequent lack of love, because that comes with => mature acceptance of commitment and responsiblity. In the past, family was sacred and people had respect to each other, also because it took them effort and sacrifices. Today everyone is just selfish, thinking of having as much entertainment as possible instead of comiting and giving, building the relationship even despite obstacles. Not giving it up for someting easier, when difficulties arise.
Well if you find something better, and the person you're in a relationship with is informed and doesn't mind, why shouldn't you go and get it?

I mean if you came across a pile of free money on the ground, you'd take it right? It is normal to want more and want better.

If you have something in your possession that isn't good enough in some way, you shouldn't restrict yourself from reaching for more.
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Old 10-23-2013
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Well if you find something better, and the person you're in a relationship with is informed and doesn't mind, why shouldn't you go and get it?

I mean if you came across a pile of free money on the ground, you'd take it right? It is normal to want more and want better.

If you have something in your possession that isn't good enough in some way, you shouldn't restrict yourself from reaching for more.
Yikes.
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