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Old 11-19-2011
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Okay so this week I've done a lot of improvising on the schedule, but unlike last it was very productive and for the best. After Monday I realized I could not finish the paper I needed to do unless I took away all distractions and focused on it. So My laptop went in the closet and I spent all day Tuesday reading what I needed to write and planning it out. got through all that by weds. night, and gave myself the rest of night off after that (I missed my laptop, we needed to get reacquainted ) Thursday I devoted the entire day to writing the paper, it took me mostly the whole day, and I was not overly satisfied with the final product, but it finished it in a more timely fashion than I would have if I had gone according to my original schedule. (It was due yesterday and I would probably still be working on it )

Right now I'm back home, and I really didn't make a schedule for the weekend, and am not sure how I will do it for the coming week. I know I will clear Thursday because almost the entire day will be spent at my grandfathers, and the Sunday after I'll be driving back to college. The rest of the week days though, I do not think my regular strict schedule will work though. I think I'll try to plan for certain times to work on certain things, like homework or lyrics. And I'll keep up other habits, and definitely try some things I would like to incorporate into this plan. Staying off the computer for some time will be also important.

Also, as I type this, my brothers girlfriend is here . She is very nice (from the 30 seconds I spent with her), but this sort of thing I am not used to or comfortable around at all. I've never had a girlfriend, and my brother (or sister) have never dated anyone serious enough to bring them to our house, so it's new for everyone. And my parents are not very lovey dovey at all either, I've never seen them kiss or hold hands, they usually don't even sit near each other, so this dating concept is something I'm really unfamiliar with and not uncomfortable around (what about your friends, haven't you been around them dating? No, the answer is no.).

Tomorrow we are all going out probably, and before I started writing this I was inclined to do what I always do when my brother or sister have a friend come along, say nothing to them unless they address me and say almost nothing within their earshot. But now I'm going to look at it as an opportunity. I'm going to try really hard to be comfortable, even if I don't talk directly to her I will at least try not to change my behavior around the rest of my family as I usually do when a "stranger" is among us. I said stranger in quotes but really just meant someone not in my comfort zone, which is almost everyone not just strangers.

So basically I will fight to stay out of mute mode, which is where I will end up if I do not put any effort in. She'll probably be a little preoccupied with something else anyway, maybe that'll make it a little easier. That is that, new schedule will be up on Sunday.
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Old 11-19-2011
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My parents are not that affectionate with one another either. I've never seen them hold hands or really kiss besides a peck on the cheek or something, nor do they usually sit near each other. My brother has had girlfriends over before, but even seeing them makes me extremely uncomfortable, partially due to the fact that I've never dated anyone (and also he tends to date the loud, gossipy, dumb type, which I never like. ). So whenever he had a girl over, I would just go to my room and spend most of my time there because I couldn't really stand it otherwise.

I've been around my friends a little bit when they were dating, but I still automatically distanced myself because I couldn't handle it. Still made me extremely uncomfortable. Makes me think if I ever get lucky enough to date somebody how long I can handle being around the other person before I start feeling uncomfortable.

Anyway, yeah go ahead and try to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Ask a few questions, try and get a conversation flowing. I know that's so much easier said than done, but it's better to try than to say nothing at all, right? Have fun with your family tomorrow!
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Old 11-19-2011
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Well I've actually made a one year plan for 2012, but that only is for the things I need to buy, I have it planned out. Written it down, then put it in a word document on my computer lol, Oh god its going to be hard to be patient lol
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Old 11-20-2011
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Okay so this week I've done a lot of improvising on the schedule, but unlike last it was very productive and for the best. After Monday I realized I could not finish the paper I needed to do unless I took away all distractions and focused on it. So My laptop went in the closet and I spent all day Tuesday reading what I needed to write and planning it out. got through all that by weds. night, and gave myself the rest of night off after that (I missed my laptop, we needed to get reacquainted ) Thursday I devoted the entire day to writing the paper, it took me mostly the whole day, and I was not overly satisfied with the final product, but it finished it in a more timely fashion than I would have if I had gone according to my original schedule. (It was due yesterday and I would probably still be working on it )
You have incredible willpower and motivation, and I have nothing but commendations for that! You're doing so well. Keep it up! ^_^

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Also, as I type this, my brothers girlfriend is here . She is very nice (from the 30 seconds I spent with her), but this sort of thing I am not used to or comfortable around at all. I've never had a girlfriend, and my brother (or sister) have never dated anyone serious enough to bring them to our house, so it's new for everyone. And my parents are not very lovey dovey at all either, I've never seen them kiss or hold hands, they usually don't even sit near each other, so this dating concept is something I'm really unfamiliar with and not uncomfortable around (what about your friends, haven't you been around them dating? No, the answer is no.).
Ah, haha, I know what you mean here. My parents aren't lovey-dovey and suddenly my brother comes around with a girlfriend and they shower together. I wasn't uncomfortable with it, but it was weird.

You will get used to that in time, vj. Trust me!
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Old 11-20-2011
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I've been around my friends a little bit when they were dating, but I still automatically distanced myself because I couldn't handle it. Still made me extremely uncomfortable. Makes me think if I ever get lucky enough to date somebody how long I can handle being around the other person before I start feeling uncomfortable.
Yeah that's what happens to me as well. When my closest friend in high school started dating he couldn't talk to me about any of the dating aspects of it, and his girlfriend thought I hated her because I never hung out or talked to her (and partially because I glared at her, but I glared at everyone in 8th/9th grade *used to hate everything*). One time when we were a bit older (they dated for a long time) he came to me after they had been broken up and she was dating someone else and started bawling his eyes out. I felt like such a terrible friend because I was completely frozen and couldn't say anything, I may have said somethings but I don't remember I think I may have had a bit of an out-of-body experience. I'm completely useless to a crying person, and a crying person talking about relationship stuffs is just not even close to my comfort zone.

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Ah, haha, I know what you mean here. My parents aren't lovey-dovey and suddenly my brother comes around with a girlfriend and they shower together. I wasn't uncomfortable with it, but it was weird.

You will get used to that in time, vj. Trust me!
Well I don't imagine they'll be showering together any time soon, but I'll have to get used to the prospect of them possibly hand holding. I'm not very close to my brother so I don't have to fear him telling me about what they do in private. And my mother is super catholic so I don't imagine they'll be doing anything much within a mile of her. They went to my basement yesterday (I guess they always do) and my mother happened to have lots of work to do down there, how convenient
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Well I don't imagine they'll be showering together any time soon, but I'll have to get used to the prospect of them possibly hand holding. I'm not very close to my brother so I don't have to fear him telling me about what they do in private. And my mother is super catholic so I don't imagine they'll be doing anything much within a mile of her. They went to my basement yesterday (I guess they always do) and my mother happened to have lots of work to do down there, how convenient
Wow, if I was the girlfriend I'd be pretty upset that she kept going to the basement!

Hand-holding is small fry, mate. It'll get bigger.
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Old 11-24-2011
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Yay for going to Northampton! Sounds like you had a good time with your family.

Hope you have fun with your mother's family today. Happy Thanksgiving!
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Old 11-29-2011
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This weeks schedule https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...wILkPUpV8/edit

Not much to this week, last full week of the semester so focus on homework is the priority. I'm just trying to keep at this, the fun newness novelty of it has worn off at this point and I'm losing interest. I want to keep it up though, even if it isn't "fun" anymore. The goal was never that anyway, if anything I was having too much fun before this. All work and no play may make jack a dull boy, but all play and no work has the same effect.
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Old 01-02-2012
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Okay so it's been awhile since I checked in, so here's what's been going on. At the end of my semester I determined that getting all my work done and studying were more important than forcing myself to adhere to a schedule that was beginning to feel like pulling teeth, so I dropped it, planning on picking it up when break started. Got all my work done, huge sigh of relief, then opted out of continuing with the strict schedule for the duration of break. I had a lot of free time, and not a lot of things to do, and having my whole day planned out wasn't working for me.

Recently though, I've started using an online to-do list program which I have found very helpful. I can make notes on it too, and there's a lists section I find very helpful for potential uses of free time, as well as a place to put down certain types of thoughts, or questions. By that I mean I have things like "Are you being rational?", "Fantasy or Reality", and "Question yourself." A lot of times when I'm wrapped up in a thought I forget things like this, so I like being able to go to this and make sure I'm acting the way I want to. I have some beliefs there too, like "simple is better" and "sometimes not doing things is as important as doing things," things I want to remember.

When the semester rolls back around I hope to combine the to-do list and the stricter schedule into a schedule type somewhere in the middle. Things like showering, classes, and eating I want to have happen consistently, but I don't think scheduling my things like fun or exact times of homework are as great as an idea. Yes, this will require me to plan out my days a little more as I go, but having EVERYTHING planned out will drive me crazy I've found. I need a little spice, even if I had my convinced I didn't.

As for my progress so far, I'm feeling really good. I haven't made any huge differences to my lifestyle, but my thoughts and feelings have noticeably changed. They're much more positive, I'm happier. I'm not guy smiley or anything, but I've been much worse. I've found what I've been thinking about has changed a lot, I haven't been thinking about death almost at all for one thing, which is great. While I still spend a lot of time alone, haven't been feeling sickeningly lonely much either. I've sort of been interested in things, finding things to do and focus my mind on. My mind feels clearer, I'm daydreaming again which I hadn't been other than about death and things like that, I'm not overdoing thins; keeping everything simple. Let it be, Let it be.

One other thing of interest is I've also noticed a lessening interest and concern for any type of romantic relationship or dating of any sort. I was never actively looking to date or anything, but previously I did think and daydream about it, had crushes, and at times became really depressed at the thought of not being able have that at the moment, or possibly ever. I still know that to be true, and recognize that I may not but now I'm not seeing the big deal anymore. I'm not sure if this came before or after the feeling of being not lonely, I'm guessing one brought on the other though. I'm really not ever thinking about it on a regular basis anymore, as I was before. I know it;s out of the question right now, so I have no real reason to think about it. It's sort of like flying, every once and a while it crosses your mind and sounds really amazing, but if you get too invested in thought it will only leave you depressed and wanting something you can't get, at the moment at least. A key to success maybe?
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VJ, it sounds like you've got everything going smoothly for you and I couldn't be happier for your better frame of mind! Having your whole day planned is quite inflexible - I know I could never do it - but I'm happy you've found a great medium for it.

It's also a good thing you've put less importance on a romantic relationship. While they're good to have, not having to think about it all the time will leave your mind free for other thoughts. I'm super happy for you, mate.
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Glad you updated! I was starting to wonder if you forgot about your thread. With your previous schedules, they seemed like they were going pretty well for you, but I guess they were a bit too strict. When I make to-do lists, I don't schedule everything out. I can't stick to a strict schedule, I hate feeling like I'm tied down. I have to have some sense of freedom. What I do with my to-do lists is that I only write down the most important things I have to do that day, like what homework I have to do, what chores I need to get done (laundry, etc.), and miscellaneous things like phone calls or important e-mails I have to send. I like to keep my lists really basic, not like a schedule at all. That way I can freely work around each and every task.

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One other thing of interest is I've also noticed a lessening interest and concern for any type of romantic relationship or dating of any sort. I was never actively looking to date or anything, but previously I did think and daydream about it, had crushes, and at times became really depressed at the thought of not being able have that at the moment, or possibly ever. I still know that to be true, and recognize that I may not but now I'm not seeing the big deal anymore. I'm not sure if this came before or after the feeling of being not lonely, I'm guessing one brought on the other though. I'm really not ever thinking about it on a regular basis anymore, as I was before. I know it;s out of the question right now, so I have no real reason to think about it. It's sort of like flying, every once and a while it crosses your mind and sounds really amazing, but if you get too invested in thought it will only leave you depressed and wanting something you can't get, at the moment at least. A key to success maybe?
^ This is great. I really wish I was at this point you are now. I've been the complete opposite though, and it's really starting to annoy me. I've never been one to actively look to date, but for the last year I've been keeping my eyes open. I've kinda been crushing on and off within the last year, but sometimes I feel it's not so much crushing as it is just desperation. Wanting to have someone just because I'm lonely. And lately, that's all I've been is lonely. When it hits, depression quickly follows, along with the "I'll never get to experience anything." and "I'm going to be forever single." thoughts. I try to ignore those thoughts and feelings, but sometimes I just can't. I feel like I'm constantly at war with myself.
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Old 01-15-2012
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Thanks for the replies, always appreciated Heading back to school tomorrow and think an update is in order. First all the technical stuff before I really dive into what I want to talk about.

So my vacation went well overall, managed to keep my spirits up the whole time, had some dips but they were all brief and I think even productive. The daily to-do list helped me do things, I was far from perfect on completing all my tasks (63/108) but eventually I did all the important stuff, and I didn't have very many days where I just sat on my laptop all day or watched tv, and when I did I knew of what things I could be doing. And they were nice breaks. Come school though, I'll have a lot less free time and a lot more responsibilities so I'm going to try a semi to-do semi strict schedule system. Things like waking up, eating, classes, and other daily tasks I'm going to try to put into a specific time frame. During the rest of the time, I may not specifically designate certain tasks or activities but rather say what I need to do in that time, and how much time needs to be given to each activity. And I know myself, I'll have to prioritize and when I do the more important and time consuming tasks will have to come before the others. No "oh an hour on my laptop then I can work on that paper I hate," because an hour will become 3 hours and then I'll find something else to do instead.

And I know my stress levels are going to jump once I get back and a lot of this is easier said sitting in my room at home comfortably then executed at school, where I have so many things I have to worry about. There's the pressure to get a job, there's my studies, there's the loneliness from being isolated in my room, there's the forced interaction of my upcoming lab class, ect ect. I'm not going to overwhelm me though, I'll keep my thoughts positive and level headed, I want to keep going forward.

I say that because I'm doing well, I think I've tackled a (serious) peripheral problem that had been weighing me down for awhile. I've been on a high for awhile, and while it's starting to settle down down now and the dust is clearing it seems like I'll get out of it much better than I was feeling before it. The high I've been on feels a lot like I imagine a drug high may feel like. You're not happy per se, you're on a high, you feel good, but when you come down any problems you had will be there still. It's good though, because the high was artificial from the start I think, sort of a reaction to pulling out of the depression I was in before. I was feeling so bad for what seems like childish reasons, thinking about what I didn't have and about my future which hasn't been written yet (or if it has I don't know about it).

So I've stripped off a layer of issues and can't focus on some things that have been burdening me for a long time again. Lately I've been challenging my thought and beliefs, what I think about things, what's okay and what's not. Before I started I was worried I would be over-thinking, and thinking too much about life when I should be focused more on living it. I decided against that though, and that my thinking needed to be challenged before I could trust it to take control when I wasn't consciously thinking about the basis of them. I do have to consider my lack of experience in some fields I'm addressing, because I could be missing important pieces to the puzzle, not to mention life isn't logical to begin with, everything doesn't work the way you'd think.

One thing I did was record myself just talking about something on my mind, a stream of consciousness for about a half hour. I found it helpful, and playing it back not only helped me remember and organize my thoughts, but get more comfortable listening to my voice. I want to take it for what it is, no extremes, not horrible not amazing.

The more important part is what I was talking about though. Doing this is really scary, but I feel like I'm making progress here for the first time since...since I originally had the thoughts. One thing that I've relied on for most of my life is my "gut feeling" about things, my intuition. I did think they were coming from somewhere, higher power or something which is why I held so much faith in them. I went to catholic church for 17 years, and I was very certain and devoted to it, but I always thought everything was still going through me, I trusted my own feelings about what right and wrong is more than the bibles because I figured, where're these feelings coming from? With that line of thinking it's probably hard to call me a catholic or even a christian,
I was very confident in these intuitions though. My religious history is a little off-topic but I haven't thought this clearly about in a long time and wanted to get out that bit.

What's so scary about all this though, is that I'm challenging these intuitions. Maybe I've become more reflective and introspective, or maybe the psyche major is starting to pay off, but I can almost see the paths of where all these previously unexplained feelings are coming from. Like "oh, I think that because that happened when I was younger, that makes sense." And no, this isn't some big eye opening experience that's going to turn me into an atheist. It's going to make me question and challenge a lot of thoughts I've had though. I've been stuck here for so long, and making these breakthroughs is really great. A lot of these gut feelings are based on irrational thoughts, and breaking them down will help me tons I hope.

I wish my vacation was a little longer, because I know as I get back into the groove of things at school I won't have as much time to focus on this. I do want to make more recordings though (ah the joys of having a MIA roommate ), and keep with this new frontier of re-self-identification. And that lack of life experiences will be a limitation that I'll be sure to bare in mind. This all actually started by a sort of new experience for me. Experiences and thoughts go hand and hand with each other. You can have accurate rational thoughts without experiences to support them, and as my past has told me if you don't think enough before you try a new experience it can hurt you really bad. I want to work on improving both, especially the experiences. I can't be scared of screwing up anymore, because I have so much more to gain than I do to lose. Not talking crazy like joining a debate team and partying all the time (That would be one of those extreme acts I am trying to avoid, to ambitious), I will push my boundaries and take some risks, as long as they're not thoughtless or careless.

Thanks for reading if you did, this got long fast :P
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Old 01-15-2012
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Liking your approach a lot, vj! Keep up the good work
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VJ, you're doing so well. It's not easy to challenge your thoughts - the very thing that identifies our personalities, basically - but you're accepting the challenge and are doing so well in the process. You also realise the road will be tough, so that's also good.

Good luck, mate!
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Great work, vj! It's nice to see everything starting to really come together for you. Keep challenging yourself, and good luck this semester!
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Old 02-28-2012
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Ooh wow itís been a while since I last checked in with you guys, close to two months it looks like. Iíve tried writing this post about three times in the last few days, letís see if it goes any better this time.

So last check in I was doing well, I was on a what I described as a ďhigh,Ē which Iíve come down from a bit. My emotional state has stayed positive, I want to stay away from the word happy because Iím not sure if itís an accurate depiction, but I have been feeling good. Iíve had my highs and lows, and have been continuing to keep them from getting out of control. My mind's still running, not as much lately but enough. This last week I feel Iíve dipped in a lot of ways.

What I mean by that, is that looking back and despite my feeling okay about things, Iíve been slacking in the whole life department. With lack of a better way to explain it, lately Iíve just been acting like a loser, burn-out, slacker, whichever word you wish to use. Iím not saying that for the sake of being self-degrading, just looking at myself objectively, and on the assumption that there is a possibility for a person to be a loser, I would say I have fallen into that category. Spending too much time online in chartrooms, staying up too late and letting myself get tired, ignoring my school work and doing just enough, wasting away hours playing online games. Doing that too much is a bad thing I think, and can feel.

I started to think more about this, and about something someone was telling me about the other day, explaining to me being social. She was talking about how itís hard, and overwhelming at times to go out, and be social, but she still wanted to go. It reminded me of that feeling as Iíve felt it in so many situations, and how little Iíve felt it in recently. The last week or so especially, I just wasn't doing anything that required effort, like a vacation.

Iím not saying Iím a loser, that would just be unproductive negative self-talk, but I have been going through the last year or so (about since December of 2010 Iíd say) on ďeasy mode.Ē I know a lot of us talk about being nervous throughout the day, having anxiety, struggling in your day to day with high levels of stress. I donít. Life isn't stressful for me, it's easy. This is because when the going gets tough, truly challenging, I give up, I shut down, I avoid it.

I think it what I mean is analogous to a difficulty setting on a video game. Itís like everything in life is a task, and we are able to choose a difficulty setting to complete it on. Now, on easy mode, itís just that Ė easy. Thereís no stress, no frustration, no strong emotions. Itís just all fun, no leaving the comfort zone, and unless you really suck no chance of failure. It is simple joy. What this is missing is a challenge, which, say, God mode could provide. God mode is hard, itíll take a few tries to get it right, itíll take some work and sweat, youíll get frustrated, thereís a good chance the controller will end up thrown against the wall and you balled in the corner crying and mumbling to yourself.

I may have exaggerated God mode a tad, but I think I get my point across. Now you may be wondering now, whatís wrong with easy mode? It sounds nice, relaxing, fun. Who wouldnít want that? Nothing, easy mode is fine, I think we all need some easy mode in our life. Everyone needs a break. But all the time? That doesnít seem okay. Easy mode is empty, there is no accomplishment, there is no improving yourself, there is nothing to be proud of. We always hear about the need to have high self-esteem, but we do need something to be esteemed in in, don't we? It shouldn't be a superficial feeling, we should have things to be proud of.

Let me not dwell on this analogy though. Let me tie this in with my "high" that I've been on. I think it must be, at least partially, the outcome of this. Add on being more positive in general, but I have nothing to bring me down. There should be things bringing me down, life is hard for me! My thinking is just so muddled and ingrained with Avoidant thinking, coupled with just flat out laziness, I just don't do anything. If not doing things because they are not easy enough, because it would be too much work, I do not know what is.

Let me give you an example of what I mean by my lazy/avoidant thinking(which, I may add, is not and should not be treated as an excuse. It is me preventing me from doing things, not some outside force or disorder. I am responsible and should be treated as such)

Yesterday I walked past a Dunkiní Donuts. There was a advertisement that showed a picture of 6 frosted donuts and the price ď6 for $4.Ē My first thought was, ďman, do those look good. I could really go for a doughnut right now. Maybe I should buy those.Ē Then almost immediately after, the excuses not to buy them start flowing. ďBut doughnuts arenít very healthy, I would probably be better off if I didnít. And for $4! I donít want to spend that sort of money when I donít have to, especially when have an unlimited eating plan here, and the food is unhealthy too! I should really only do that on a special occasion, which this clearly is not."

Hereís a secret though Ė it had nothing to do with that stuff.

While those are, in my opinion, great excuses not to buy those delicious doughnuts, if I were given the opportunity to get them at some out-of-ight vending machine or something I probably would have. It was because I would have had to gone in, and ordered them. I would have had to tell the cashier which doughnuts I wanted. I would have had to carry them down the road, or eat them there. I would have had to do things that would have been hard for me. And this is something as simple as buying doughnuts. The difficulty level of doughnut buying prevented me from getting them.

But the thing is, those are great excuses, I really shouldnít eat the doughnuts. The fact that I would in another situation does not make them any healthier in this one. Walking everywhere keeps me healthy and helped me lose so much weight, what incentive do I have for taking the bus? Why break good habits in or order to add more stress in my life Ė what sort of messed up reasoning would that be!

Of course all situations do not fall into this category, thereís no good habit from preventing me from answering questions in class. From making an effort to converse with people, possibly my roommate whoís been here a few months and still hasnít heard more than a few 100 words from me.

In closing, to anyone reading(who I applaud for getting through all this ) the conclusion is probably clear. I know it is, I've come to it many times in the past, I have to do things. I have to push myself. I can't make anything of myself without any real effort. Any 12 year old could tell you that. "When I work harder in school, I get better grades." When you work harder in life, you do better in life too.

I don't have any grit though. I used to have lots, and an unbelievable amount. At every award ceremony for athletics, when it was my turn all the coaches could go on about was my high level of effort during practice, my strive to get better, my dedication. A few Most Improved Player awards too. I don't know where it went, I just don't have it anymore. I feel I don't have anything to fight for. For me? No, that won't fly. I'm content being a slacker, I'll hate myself for it but it's easy as I've said. It's not a bad life until you think about it. For my parents? They'll love me unconditionally, I have no reason to try to impress them. My friends? What friends? I have a few, but they've been with me for years, clearly accepted me, forever I become. WHAT is there to drive me to be a better person. To TRY in life. To MAKE SOMETHING of myself. Just because? It's a lot of effort for that, my brain knows that.

I guess I'll just keep looking for it. For now, Iíve closed down all those distractions for the last few days and already feel more awake, and productive. Obviously Iím not going to disconnect from it all permanently, as that would go right against my ďdonít do anything dramaticĒ clause in the plan, just a week to get myself on track again. From there though, I don't know. I think, deep down, I really do want to be better. Be able to say something about myself. I'm just having a hell of a time lighting a fire underneath myself.
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Right now, I'm not the best me I can be, by any means. I'm not going to dwell on this because that's not the point of this, but I want to be the best I can be. And like running, and all good things in life, it doesn't happen over night. In order to do this, I'm making a plan. I'm deciding I want to better myself.
Right now you look at your reasons and you think: for my parents? close friends? For me? And your family and friends love and accept you. You're completely right you don't have to change. ..But it's about what you want. Who knows what your future holds. What do you want to put there? Do what you want for what you want in your future.

Also donuts nyom
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hehe good for staying away from donuts! (They're bad for teeth! )

(I couldn't resist some for the holidays tho)

Walking is healthy too, yup!! Can you find some people to walk with?

For who/what to change? Well, to make the world a better place, of course??

Maybe you will surprise the world with some really excellent ideas/views, and it's good to get some practise with speaking out about things??

When injustice happens, wrong things or faulty thinking/beliefs, sometimes it's important to speak out. And it's good to have some practise in this. (Though if you really get angry about something it makes it easier to say something )

Maybe people are just waiting for your unique perspective/point of view??

Many people here like reading your words - maybe people would enjoy talking to you/listening to your views and ideas too??
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Thanks Jewel, for reminding me of what I said back when I started all this. I needed the reminder. It is hard to strive for something when you do not know what the end goal is, or how you may attain it, but it'll come. I've recognized some things I want to change, even if I don't have the drive at the moment to change the specific thing, but over time it will.

And Feathers thank you as always for your positive reply! Some things for me to think about.

And I have seen myself change a lot since I started 6 months ago. Nothing tangible I can bring home to mom, but I have been making bounds with my thinking.

I feel every time I give myself a chance to think, attack and challenge my thoughts, and try to dig deep down and pull up what's deep down there I see a little more clearly. I am definitely changing, in a way I hope to be progress.

This last week, I felt I made another big "breakthrough" in my thinking. I wrote, maybe 10 pages of writing, if you include the post above. This came after that though, and it's deeper than I think I've been before. It's something that has crossed my mind before in the past, but that I've either brushed off or could never put all the pieces together to figure out.

I won't go into detail here as it is hard to explain without being too personal for my liking, but basically it shined a light on a problem with my feeling. I don't think, or feel, the way I am supposed too about some, many things. Supposed to may not be the right word, the way I want to feel though is not the way I do. I have a fusion of good and bad feelings, thoughts about things, pride and shame. Just things that contradict each other and making my life difficult. I don't think I've had a truly happy moment in a long time, because the paradox of my life involves being happy making me unhappy.

This may not make a lot of sense to you guys, but it does to me. I know what I have address, and I think I'm rational in believing this is a problem. I don't know how to do it on my own though. So last night (at about 3 am) I e-mailed my therapist.

I don't know if he's going to get back to me (it's been about a year and 4 months since he last heard from me) or if he will be able to see me, but I think I'm finally ready to go back. I am more willing to be open and honest with him, and feel I can be more trusting and hide less. I feel I have a purpose to go in there now. I'm not going for shyness, for AvPD or SA, depression, none of that. I'm going to tell him about everything that has led up to where I am today in regard to this feeling that I don't want to feel, and how it effects me. I hope to do this initially in text, send him everything I want to say first and talk about it the best I can during the session. And I really want to know what to do, I want help, I want to know the answer, or help finding it. Because I'm confused and lost about it. I was almost brought to tears trying to figure out the emotion purely out of frustration. While I may know why I'm feeling it, I can't understand how.

Or I was, now that I sent the e-mail I am starting to doubt myself. I'm not sure if I am right in my thinking or if it's just another silly conclusion I've come to. I'm not sure if I would be able to talk about it in practice as opposed to in theory. I'm getting nervous waiting for his reply, if he sends one. I'm really hoping I made the right decision. I suppose, it can't hurt, only not help. I want this to work out though.
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Originally Posted by vj288 View Post
Or I was, now that I sent the e-mail I am starting to doubt myself. I'm not sure if I am right in my thinking or if it's just another silly conclusion I've come to. I'm not sure if I would be able to talk about it in practice as opposed to in theory. I'm getting nervous waiting for his reply, if he sends one. I'm really hoping I made the right decision. I suppose, it can't hurt, only not help. I want this to work out though.
I can relate to this A LOT. Sometimes I will get in the mindset that I am going to make a change, so I will do something like... sign up for therapy. (Just an example) and then a few hours later or a few minutes later, I will be like wait... what did I just do? And the panic mode starts to kick in. Then I start to question all of it.

I think it's great that you emailed your therapist. I think that no matter what your mind is saying, you should definitely stick with the plan of opening up to him more. It's really scary being that vulnerable, but it will be worth it in the end. The only real way to make progress is to really open up and let yourself be exposed. It will be hard and your "anxious mind" side will try and bring you back in to the comfort zone of staying quiet. Don't let that side win. You can do this, I believe in you. You definitely made the right decision to email him. I am proud of you. These things take so much courage.
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