One thing that scares me off from dating...

Is the idea of expectations. And I don't mean commitment, being kind to each other, etc. Those are fine.

Just the plethora of social rules that people are constantly arguing over. When you should expect or give sex, how often you should text, what it means if they text more or less than twice an hour, oh god they were a little quiet are we breaking up, who should ask what first, etc.

Just listening to people discuss it online is mind-boggling.

I know it's mostly guys who complain about clingy girls, but I can just imagine getting flack for not being able to intuit how to not give off the impression of being disinterested, angry, etc, as told by Cosmo magazine or someone on the Internet. It might take nothing more than not wishing them goodnight when it was expected or asking how their day is going often enough.

I want to approach if I need something/have something to say and be approached if they need something/have something to say.

I stopped listening to relationship advice when I was in grade 5 of elementary school, when my best friend at the time told me that every boy of every age has the right to touch their girlfriend's boobies.

I got slapped, she cried her eyes out, then I was left confused and *very* angry at my now *former* best friend.


Expectations are different for every individual, with no exceptions, as are perceptions.

One guy may see a girl as clingy, another might see her in need of comfort. Too frequent versus too sparse with calls or texts. Not putting out enough, or... okay, well, let's stay away from the sex-stuff, 'cause all guys want it as often as possible.


Anywho, if you're going to take advice from a so-called 'relationship expert', first do a Google search to see exactly how many divorces that person has to their credit. That'll be your first tip-off.

Next, if you feel insecure at romance, someone is always looking to take advantage of that fact, and exploit you monetarily. Look at all the consumer crap you have to buy: Flowers, gifts, dinners, presents for birthdays/anniversaries/kwanza/whatever, chocolate, spa-vouchers... all to make you think that, if you *don't* spend absurd amounts of money on your partner, then you're not romantic, and thus, will fail in Love. This is completely un-true.
Yes, sure, people like getting presents because it makes us feel *special*... but you can also do that in any room of your house. Give them a big hug, a tender kiss, then look them in the eye and tell them that they're you're entire world.

What *kind* of kiss? Oh, let me just consult Cos- NO. Go with your gut. About everything. You have a sympathetic nervous-system for a reason.

Any way you can show your partner that you care about them, take it. That's the only advice I'll give ya. But, then, I'm not a 'relationship expert'... that's just how I feel, and it comes from the heart.

It's not me I'm worried about. It's other people. There seems to be a "you" compulsion on this forum that I don't experience elsewhere.

The mass-marketing from TV etc all do their best to say, that 'you' as a person have nothing to offer - only by your wallet are you judged. This is, of course - baloney. However I am speaking from memory, I don't watch TV and haven't for over a decade! So I imagine it is all quite offensive by now. About that texting, its far more important to focus on when you will see each other next. The old saying that if it don't work in bed, it won't work out of it is still true and I think we have to stand by this. Therefore you can be anxious about your date but until it is going on, don't give it too much thought. Obsessing over someone without them knowing about you is fairly routine for Social Anxiety sufferers. Personally, it is important for a prospective partner to know my plus signs, I am not the be all and end all of conversation but I give out passion a-plenty and am fairly clingy. Some like that, some don't and this from a guy is fairly weird but its the only way it works for me.

(Sorry for all the 'yous')

goblin said:

It's not me I'm worried about. It's other people. There seems to be a "you" compulsion on this forum that I don't experience elsewhere.

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I hear what you're saying about the social rules. But what do you mean by the "you" compulsion here. Are you talking about people's perceptions here of said social rules, the narcissism displayed on the forum, or something else?

goblin said:

I want to approach if I need something/have something to say and be approached if they need something/have something to say.

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Btw, I agree with most of what you wrote. And I agree with the sentence above, as well. But as evidenced here at the forum, there's a lot of anxiety muck in a person's brain that can sometimes make a person's attempt of asking or conveying something awkward or misinterpreted. As you probably well know. I usually give the person the benefit of the doubt the first couple times. After that, I address it with them, and if they can't overcome it or are unwilling to try, then that's pretty much the final straw.

Xervello said:

I hear what you're saying about the social rules. But what do you mean by the "you" compulsion here. Are you talking about people's perceptions here of said social rules, the narcissism displayed on the forum, or something else?

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The compulsion to either repeatedly give me unsolicited advice without listening to an actual description of my problem first (so that none of the advice actually applies) or counter my fear of what others may expect of me with a tirade about how I shouldn't conform to the rules they're following myself.

It's like what I'm actually saying and feeling has no value, I just need to be corrected as quickly as possible. The only thing that matters is that I am wrong, the topic must be made to be about the fact that I am wrong, here is their assumption of what I'm doing wrong, and then it's time for me to just stop being so damn wrong so that I stop complaining.

It's incredibly rude, and I don't believe it's anxiety-muck that makes someone incapable of saying, "Wow, 3 posts in and I'm still being told that's not what's going on. Maybe I don't actually know everything and should shut up or ask for more information."

If I want to be talked over, blamed, and silenced, I'll go talk to Positive Polly at the water cooler offline and be told that I just need to be confident instead of a Debbie Downer because everyone gets anxious sometimes.

^Wow.











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goblin said:

It's not me I'm worried about. It's other people. There seems to be a "you" compulsion on this forum that I don't experience elsewhere.

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What made you say this? Is this in response to the first answer?

goblin said:

The compulsion to either repeatedly give me unsolicited advice without listening to an actual description of my problem first (so that none of the advice actually applies) or counter my fear of what others may expect of me with a tirade about how I shouldn't conform to the rules they're following myself.

It's like what I'm actually saying and feeling has no value, I just need to be corrected as quickly as possible. The only thing that matters is that I am wrong, the topic must be made to be about the fact that I am wrong, here is their assumption of what I'm doing wrong, and then it's time for me to just stop being so damn wrong so that I stop complaining.

It's incredibly rude, and I don't believe it's anxiety-muck that makes someone incapable of saying, "Wow, 3 posts in and I'm still being told that's not what's going on. Maybe I don't actually know everything and should shut up or ask for more information."

If I want to be talked over, blamed, and silenced, I'll go talk to Positive Polly at the water cooler offline and be told that I just need to be confident instead of a Debbie Downer because everyone gets anxious sometimes.

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If that happened in the way you described, I completely agree. And generally speaking, there's a tendency by some here to leapfrog what one writes in order to get on to their own monologue. But the handful of threads I read during the week usually have some sliver of good intention to them and aren't completely oblivious to the poster. Your experience sounds just awful. Was there a particular thread where that went down? If I committed that sin here, my apologies.

goblin said:

It's not me I'm worried about. It's other people. There seems to be a "you" compulsion on this forum that I don't experience elsewhere.

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Btw, one reason for why that compulsion occurs here moreso than anywhere else may be because this place seems to be a gathering for a lot of unheard voices. Though it's not constructive to barf unsolicited opinions onto someone else's post, I somewhat get the, well, compulsion. Good word for it, indeed. It's liberating for people who never get asked their opinion to finally have the opportunities to do so. And people can get carried away with it. Couple that with social awkwardness and it can become rude. I doubt if that applied to your experience though. In that circumstance, they just sound like arrogant ****s.

Livemylife said:

What made you say this? Is this in response to the first answer?

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In response to my entire experience here, plus that. I don't mind not being responded to if there's nothing to be said, but what I'm experiencing is much harder to swallow.

I'm not getting anything from support forums and am predictably irritated when I say anything on them, so I should probably stop logging in entirely. There are a few that aren't meant for support but have still been enlightening and inclusive in the past, so I can post there.

Xervello said:

If that happened in the way you described, I completely agree. And generally speaking, there's a tendency by some here to leapfrog what one writes in order to get on to their own monologue. But the handful of threads I read during the week usually have some sliver of good intention to them and aren't completely oblivious to the poster. Your experience sounds just awful. Was there a particular thread where that went down? If I committed that sin here, my apologies.

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There was a particular thread, but not this one.

Xervello said:

Btw, one reason for why that compulsion occurs here moreso than anywhere else may be because this place seems to be a gathering for a lot of unheard voices. Though it's not constructive to barf unsolicited opinions onto someone else's post, I somewhat get the, well, compulsion. Good word for it, indeed. It's liberating for people who never get asked their opinion to finally have the opportunities to do so. And people can get carried away with it. Couple that with social awkwardness and it can become rude. I doubt if that applied to your experience though. In that circumstance, they just sound like arrogant ****s.

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I fail to see the value in a group of people who feel ignored ignoring each other. It just makes me feel worse to be unable to be heard in a place like this, and I know I'm not some kind of bizarre, impossible-to-communicate with freak who brings it upon herself because I don't get these reactions outside of forums like this.

goblin said:

I fail to see the value in a group of people who feel ignored ignoring each other. It just makes me feel worse to be unable to be heard in a place like this, and I know I'm not some kind of bizarre, impossible-to-communicate with freak who brings it upon herself because I don't get these reactions outside of forums like this.

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Fair enough.

If you don't mind me asking, what brought you to the forum? And what would you like to get out of it?

goblin said:

In response to my entire experience here, plus that. I don't mind not being responded to if there's nothing to be said, but what I'm experiencing is much harder to swallow.

I'm not getting anything from support forums and am predictably irritated when I say anything on them, so I should probably stop logging in entirely. There are a few that aren't meant for support but have still been enlightening and inclusive in the past, so I can post there.



There was a particular thread, but not this one.



I fail to see the value in a group of people who feel ignored ignoring each other. It just makes me feel worse to be unable to be heard in a place like this, and I know I'm not some kind of bizarre, impossible-to-communicate with freak who brings it upon herself because I don't get these reactions outside of forums like this.

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I don't really feel like this is an "inclusive" site because I have been outright attacked. And it's not just me either--there's a recent thread where the first answer calls the OP "egomaniachal" . I don't think anyone would dare call someone that so bluntly in real life. Why say that on a site for social phobics where most of us are very sensitive? I'm sure a lot of people here are unhappy, but you would think folks would be a tad more empathetic instead of critical and rude. And there is a bit of irony in the fact that the go-to advice seems to be "it's all in your head." Oh how I detest that phrase. Another word I see thrown around a lot on SPW is "narcissistic." The intention of this site was probably to offer and gain support among individuals in similar situations. However there are a lot of nasty posts on here, usually made by the same individuals.

OP I think I responded but I deleted my response... I can't remember why.

I think in some ways people do have expectations for things but part of being compatible is when you don't have to worry because you mostly expect the same things. And if you love someone, it doesn't feel like work to want to make them happy/feel satisfied... it's something you want to do.

But really, I have to ask-- are you actually speaking from experience here? I mean, have you been on dates/tried to meet people, or are you just complaining about what you think going on dates would be like?

Livemylife said:

I don't really feel like this is an "inclusive" site because I have been outright attacked. And it's not just me either--there's a recent thread where the first answer calls the OP "egomaniachal" . I don't think anyone would dare call someone that so bluntly in real life. Why say that on a site for social phobics where most of us are very sensitive? I'm sure a lot of people here are unhappy, but you would think folks would be a tad more empathetic instead of critical and rude. And there is a bit of irony in the fact that the go-to advice seems to be "it's all in your head." Oh how I detest that phrase. Another word I see thrown around a lot on SPW is "narcissistic." The intention of this site was probably to offer and gain support among individuals in similar situations. However there are a lot of nasty posts on here, usually made by the same individuals.

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^ Yep, there can be some insensitive names thrown about in here. :sad:
But I just try and ignore those, because if a person calls someone a nasty name in a site like this, it says a whole lot more about them, rather then you.

I think what keeps me away from dating is that I feel like I'm a child. I feel like the way I live (my room, what I do at home, etc) is that of a child and not of a man.

People all over the internet will be quick to tell you three things:
1. You are wrong for having a problem or feeling so just shut up and don't even bring it up.

2. They don't have that problem so neither should you.

3. They are better than you cause they don't have that problem.

After almost 20 years on the net it rolls off me like butter on a hot potato. Lol. I've been called everything.

As far as dating. The thing that turns me off from it is that it seems like too much work especilally for something that has a slim chance of leading anywhere. I guess the internet cuts out some of the work but the traditional rituals in this day and age are a risky bet when time and energy are limited and people have such a high propensity to be flakes. The flake rate these days has to be like 70%.

What scares me most off dating. Is that people scare the hell out of me.

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