Ok...Hi people. (sorry for such a long post)

AngelSong

Active member
Hi there. I am angelsong and I'm 15 I've been reading things on this site for a while now, and today I finally decided to make an account. I also somehow found the courage to post this introduction (that is if I do post it)

I don't think I have talked to anyone outside of my immediate family for about 6 mo. I don't even go to high school, I do it online.
I can't stand being in social situations at all.

When I am forced to go out somewhere I become this empty smiling shell. All I want to do is go home, and sometimes I just feel like crying. somehow I manage to be completely fake when I'm around people. Sometimes I don't even remember what I said, it's like I'm on auto pilot. I can only last so long. Once I can't take it anymore I find a bathroom or something and I just hide until it's time to go home.

Once I get home go straight to my bedroom, and think about every little stupid thing I said, or did. I overexaggerate it in my mind, and go over everything I could have done. I usually wish I would have participated more and not hid. I usually cry and feel sorry for myself afterwards/

I feel like everybody is judging me, and that anyone who is nice to me only is because they feel they have to out of pity or something. People tell me they like me and that I'm intelligent and fun to be around, but I can't believe a word they're saying. I don't understand why someone would just randomly lie about things like that, but I can't help but think that they are.

I can't ever keep friends, because I think they are making fun of me behind my back. I have no proof of this but I can't hep but feel that way.

I can't even go on chat rooms or mmogs! I just sit there and read what everyone else is saying then I leave, wishing that I had said something. Sometimes I talk online but the conversations are very shallow. The moment the relationship seems to get even slightly deep I run away. I just unfriend the person, block them, and then stay of the site for a few weeks, maby a month or two. I don't plan on doing that but I do.

I'm sorry this post is so long and it's probably kind of dumb, but I'm not going to go back and read it, because If I do I know I won't post it. I have to post it. Just writing it has made me feel so much better for some reason.

I think that posting on this site amongst people who understand is my first step of trying to get better. Sorry againg for such a long post. Ok here goes *submit new thread*
 

Nack

Banned
Don't worry about your post. Believe it or not, many new-comers have longer threads than you, ya. When I was 15, I was the same thing. But its up to you to fix yourself up. All I can say is that, It get better as you get older. But you have to take risk and embarrass yourself from time to time. Cause that's how you learn, from mistakes.
 

Nack

Banned
All I'm saying is that just don't hermit yourself and use SA as an excuse to miss opportunities that you'll soon regret. For example, idk about you but i hate taking online classes. It doesn't teach me anything. High school is probably one of the best time in my life, I get to interact with people even though i'm a introvert :\
 
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AimeeSP

Well-known member
Hey there, welcome to SPW. :) I can relate very much to how you're feeling and how you deal with social situations. I too used to be to nervous to post or start a thread so i understand and i think you done brilliantly to post your introduction. I hope you like it here. :)
 

goldenholds

Well-known member
Hi Angelsong. Your post was not dumb or long, I think you expressed yourself well. You are not alone, there are lots of people who feel as you do. I am a newbie here too, and I hope you feel better and find this site helpful as I do. Post as often and as long as you feel you are able and don't worry about the rest.
 

Silvox Black

Well-known member
You have done well my dear. You already take your first steps towards freedom. Your post was far from "dumb" nor is it anything similar to that. Many of us can relate to your suffering and shying away from any and all social situations. Fear not. There will be no judgment here.
 

Chiaroscuro

Active member
I can relate to your situation. When I was 15 I used to hide out in bathrooms. One time a couple of younger kids turned the lights out as a joke and I had to fumble around in the dark to find my way out. Not a great feeling. Sometimes I would walk around the school from bathroom to bathroom trying to look as if I was generally on my way somewhere important. I didn't want to stay on one toilet seat for too long in case someone noticed. Nobody would have guessed it. I think I came across as a shy but normal kid to both teachers and peers because I was so embarrassed about drawing attention. Inside though, it was a daily struggle.

I can't say I ever quite dealt with my inability to just 'hang' with people. Lunch breaks or down time was usually harder than lessons (i'm just using school as an example but same applies in other social situations) unless It was a class where the attention might be on me like English speeches etc. I 'coped' , by trying to keep busy and look calm, so that people wouldn't get too suspicious of me. But I certainly wouldn't advise that.

If you manage to tackle it in a more head on way then you will be braver than I was angelsong:)
 

Iseesky

Well-known member
Hi Angelsong!
I'm glad you've joined and want to help yourself get better!
I completely agree with what Nack said. The ONLY way you're going to get anywhere is to embarass yourself, look like an idiot, do what scares you, be uncomfortable...etc. It's not as hard as you might think. Just take things one step at a time. It's sad that you're not in high school. It may be completely stressful to you, but you learn to talk to people and sort of figure out the way people think. You get to see how insecure most people are and that they don't really care about anyone else. The bad things they say about others are just defense mechanisms. Anyway, you should think about doing teeny tiny things everyday to train yourself. Gradually work up to being able to talk to people. You say you haven't spoken to anyone outside of your immediate family in over a month. Does that mean you don't leave the house much or at all? Perhaps you could go for a walk around your neighborhood and give a simple 'Hi' or even just a smile to the people you pass by? I recommend the site chatroulette:
http://www.chatroulette.com/
You talk to a random person from somewhere in the world about anything you like. Usually it just lasts for a few seconds before the other person logs off. Stuff like that will give you confidence.
 
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