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not been well last few days this week last week. Feel like im living a nightmare. Had to deal with my body going crazy in violent fits of anxiety and most nights i cant sleep. Then there is the crying everyday. Its just a thing now. But you know I dust myself off and so on. Ive applied to volunteer at a second had store - a large shed one. I had to go this morning to say hello. Rugs pushed me into it because I told him I needed to to be pushed as i feared going back to intense social phobia and agoraphobia real quick. Because I lost my job (they hadnt the money anymore to pay me). So new things are happening, but i just cannot relax and I'm overweight and feel out of control lately with binges like some ocd or something and last time that put me into a real pit for years. I cant believe I am 80 kg and was 55kg for ages. Nothing fits me and all my self esteem seems eroded. I feel unhealthy and unhappy and feel like i am living in my fears. I feel also like nothing is sustainable in motivation for me atm , like I need a huge rest. I keep having these breakdown everyday lately, bursts of crying and anxiety, hyperventilating because I feel like im in the fear i feared and its shocking and painful and i havent an idea of where i am and mental energy anymore.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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So I havent been on here in a while. Id just felt so drained of even expressing myself lately. And at the moment, I just feel like I need to strip back everything in my life right now and get back to feeling calm and centred and into a sense of control on my health and deplete my stress levels. Im not liking myself at the moment. I stress myself out over it. Rugs is still in my life, but much more understanding than he ever ever was. He's actually grown so much and beckons to anything he thinks may upset me. Hes busy doing all this stuff whilst im just trying to float above groun within my own self right now and not at all into relationships. Yet he is still here and is a real shoulder often for me to be a best friend even though he has his illness, i guess he can say the same for me too. But I cant help want so much more and you know- that all plagues me. I just cant deal with all those feelings of not being in the same place as him emoitionally and just kind of slow everything down. Thats all I can do and its all fine. Just that overtime, within myself I feel like ive turned back into that non-sexual ugly and obese agoraphobic girl I used to be wearing rags and hiding from people. Acting all without much slef love at all and ignoring my feminity. I just feel like, since ive put on all this weight over time from all the intense stress and burnout Id been through, that its completely made me feel stressed about myself and out of control with my own body and its not a nice feeling. Im happy though that Ive been reading up on things to heal myself. I mean I have candida and adreanal fatigue and they both put weight on. I feel like I canttake any form of sugar anymore- my blood sugar is all over the place and my body aches of the slightest exercise and chores, and im always so bloated. Its all a huge challenge. Id been having anxiety attacks even been around rugs a few times because I just feel gross in my own skin. I just cant believe my weight at the moment. And what is weird is that Im the same wieght I was once upon a time, yet I dont look the same - like I dont look 'big; like I did then and that is because its stress and adrenal fatigue weight which goes on the back and the arms and tummy - on my small frame, it hides well- but simple things like wearing just a tshirt for me is challenging because i get stressed out cause everything is so tight now. I jsut cant believe it. I was a xs and now prob a large.
But anyway, I need to tone every amount of stress right down and going to try special breathing exercises, start taking huge green juices every morning and cut out most fructose and any forms of high sugar foods in my diet, get back to eating my natural fats in my diet again - I tried going to fruit as my main source of calories last week in a ditch to try and heal myself but ended up feeling quite unwell. People talk about oil not being good for you, but I eat hempseed cold pressed oil in my salad- only a tspn to a tblspn, or avocado oil- and I avocados, tahini etc.. If I think back, when I felt the very best and in control of my internal health- and was lean and energetic not that long ago, my main source of calories was fat and i think that serves me. Some people can go all fruit on a vegan mainly raw diet, but I guess im the fats version.

I just really want to get well. I want to eat my greens and bounce back. I feel also, lacking in self love. I feel annoyed at my previous boss for being disrespectful to me for so long and having to deal with that every week that i worked there - i felt completely neglected because I was and I would still work my heart out and even when every week they didnt want to know me- just stuck me in a room with nothing to do - because they didnt know what they were doing, and made their business fail because they couldnt be bothered seeing me as someone that was helping - and everyone else. I cant believe they just sent me a letter in the mail telling me they couldnt afford me anymore and let me go and yet move to a huge $$ over sized office they dont need all that space and then also move thier shop to a giant shed (something I got excited about in conversation to them) and with no warning, no discussion, no goodbyes, no thankus in person- they just send me a letter telling me my services were up because of finances etc. They get funding and they spend it all on luxury for themselves in things they dont need and then get funding again for a larger shed for their shop and then rely on trying to find some volounteers to run the whole thing and neglect it all again. They have treated everyone so neglectfully. And then, in the end, I wasnt an acception.

I guess I just have grievences there. But they are setting themselves up to fail anyways. But it was the place before it all changed, was a huge gamechanger for me in terms of really almost curing my social phobia, agora phobia, anxiety, low self esteem, phobia of men, the list goes on. I went from so many years of my whole 20s never working because i was stuck in those phobias so bad. I got pushed out of that and found out that all owrks of life were working and didnt feel threatened. It was a space for me to feel safe and the fact that I felt useful and was getting paid was a huge thing for me. Like a huge thing. I felt a weight had lifted and I always put in 100 or more percent and loved it all. The role and feeling confidence because I actually had a job - something I thought I could never do because of my social phobia. It opened so much for me. Being in a safe place, having structure in my week, being around people, using my creativity, and listening to my needs inside of what I needed to bring myself self love and confidence, i worked so hard on those things and it made everything, my world change into this moment by moment bright daily thing where I had gotten out of the old muddy fat nothing i was before. And into this beutiful life of my own. I was in control and everything just kept getting better. But I guess the moment back then, when I rugs came into it and i gave him my power in my life rather than myself because i didnt know any better and nether did he, thats when things went right down and down and I basically self abused myself but putting myself last and him first and he just went with that. Then finding his schizo illness and freaking out over and over again - getting sick from it all. Like really sick - all that stress so many times I thought I was going to have a brain clot or something as all the pressure - the never ending stress was so bad and then work changed into neglect and different location and was never the same again. The only way to get energy was to push myself when I really couldnt even do that and I ended up just doing that to survive all the time. And now im actually for once able to have that rest and that reflection and calm down and its like a shock to see how bad my health got and all and how bad things like digestion is because of stress. Just so many things. Im not deep in adrenal fatigue so much now - not like I was before where I needed most days a week in bed in recovery from work and even going anywhere.
Now I just feel so anxious still though because im overweight, my health is all over the place and i feel my bdd and low self esteem gone up from it all. Im going to be starting to volounteer where rugs works soon and im nervous of that. Im also nervous about a bit later when Im ready like in jan or feb - going back to a job agency and getting a new job somewhere - since my let go- my income isnt the same and working has so many benefits but im anxious about my health and being able to cope withthe energy levels - and my self esteem and anxiety levels and being overweight and all those things.
Im giving myself leeway to work on it all but its just a bit depressing.
Since ive stopped working - ive not known what day of the week it is and things like that. But in contrast ive had time to do those things at home ive been wanting to do like my garden and cleaning and so on, and having that me time to relax and get back to myself and start a new chapter - first with my health and tso on.
I feel like the the work I had before, they never saw my value and in the end threw me away. And theres an element to that, that after all tha work and all that emotional adjustment from thier unmanagability, all the stress and so on - i just know that they have thier own stuff coming thier own way. They dig holes for themselves anyways.
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~Truely be your best friend- try to see yourself with unconditional compassion '

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