Old 10-15-2017
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Well, in the past, he may well have been locked up in a hospital/etc, but in my country at least & perhaps yours, the government has "done away" with such institutions, so they now live within the community, some with the help of assisted care.
I wish he could get some assisted care to be able to get him out of his toxic routines and into goal setting and feeling good for other reasons other than his hair and face.

He told me yesterday that he has 'beautiful' young skin for his age and then pointed out wrinkles on my face. I think I had said something that offended him for him to do that. But he is overweight so his wrinkles in his 30s arent showing - if he lost weight they would. I try not to take anything by him to heart anymore now I know hes not all there.


I sent him a message today after seeing his Instagram. Yet another post very arrogant and aimed at anyone who sees it. Thats he is good looking and very talented and laughing about how others arent even half that and yet think their so great etc. And then threats on there that if these people (??) continue to view his page of photos to beware. Something like that. And I know he is just partly doing this because he likes to be an idiiot because he is nuts but for some reason they make me go really distressed still. Its like a deep kick to the guts each time - and makes me want to fall to the ground and just cry in distress and give up -

I told him the other week that I got distressed by those type of posts. That I would cry for and hour over them in stress because of my nature. And instead of listening and taking that into account, he just dismissed me and went on not only doing it again but more and more.

So fast forward to now and I just feel so like taking him down notches - his ego and delusions. Thats what it does to me. You see this person supposed to be your partner and hes online writing these crazy things and doing it everyday intensely. He sees nothing wrong with it and laughs at how I so called think too much about things. But it is really disturbing to have to see that all the time- I look at it to see what hes up to and what mindscape hes in because its hard most of the time when he is in that catonic state and cant interact.

So today I wrote stuff to him telling him how those posts can make me feel. And that I get quite upset and stressed out about it. I did actually have an anxiety attack over it this afternoon but I did not bother to tell him that. I told him I have passive disrespect and repel and wanting to just say nasty things to him. I explained what its like to be around an arrogant person if he ever has. I was honest and just threw out what I thought and I did it for me. He prob cant be bothered reading most of it anyway.

Im just so tired of it. He should really be apologizing to me and explaining to me as I asked him to explain - what he is going on about in these posts and that the more he communicated with me about it the less I would likely get as distressed perhaps.

So fast forward this afternoon and he goes on there and puts more stuff on there again. Then posts a photo of his face and says that he wont do anymore narki posts for the rest of the day.
At the same time hasnt even responded to me. Talked to me.

Even when he is nice and does nice things to me, I still feel uncomfortable. I feel like I am waiting on his faults to jump on.
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Now his sister talks to me and tells me that she cant wait til I have a baby with Rugs in a few years ������ and that it would make her mother really happy.

Like NO!!!! How did I get here lol??

Why am I still here? WIth him? Because I feel empty and exagerate my fears and feelings when I think about not having the company. Because I feel really bad and not ready yet to tell him. Because he can be really nice and accept me for who I am. Because it can be fun and social. Because he can make me feel all like a female- not the asexual unsociable person I once was for a very long time. Its like that was what was missing. And because I have issues with feeling good enough for other men and also I prob am with rugs because he is severely laid back - there are no requirements with him much at all. Hes more into himself. So i dont really need to so******e as much I guess. I dont know. Its just a really hard situation im in and going to get worse as I let it linger.

I like him, but the idea of him being a responsible secure man for me is unfortunately not there and he doesnt even see it.
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Old 10-16-2017
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Im so sick of my macbook playing up. I write on here and get some really good thgouths and then my laptop goes heywire and the whole screen moves to the right and the mouse without me touching it starts going onto all different websites and I cannot control it.

I end up loosing lots of work and havign to resart my computer. It sux.
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Im so sick of my macbook playing up. I write on here and get some really good thgouths and then my laptop goes heywire and the whole screen moves to the right and the mouse without me touching it starts going onto all different websites and I cannot control it.

I end up loosing lots of work and havign to resart my computer. It sux.
Can you take it to a pc repair shop? They might be able to fix it, or advise you what to do (eg replace the laptop).
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Can you take it to a pc repair shop? They might be able to fix it, or advise you what to do (eg replace the laptop).
I should but it doesn't happen all the time. Im supposed to really it to Apple store and see what they say, but that's in town 2 hours drive. I guess I dont really have faith in IT people in my town with my MacBook as they specialize more in windows and mines a more hardware issue I think with potential for things to go wrong in the wrong hands so to speak. So as long as I don't push the trackpad hard and just restart it when it goes funny I just put up with that.
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Thos days where you hate everything about yourself and do not want to be seen or heard. Im in a big BDD dip - somewhere I haven't been in a while and today has been all morning of balling my eyes out in disparity and shame.

Last night i stayed over rugs place. We watched this film on Netflix- a horror/thriller film. I was already feeling the BDD then but we were making small talk and he said 'There's me' refferring to some guy on there - for a light hearted laugh and then I said at the lady in it- 'and theres me' and his swift response ' Not even, only maybe if you wore your hair down' followed by the light hearted - ' girl who looks the same all the time- hair pushed back girl wearing grey all the time, likes to trim her eyelashes.. lol ' - I get it was just him not intending to hurt my feelings and showing his intimacy that he likes me anyway- but it always hurts my feelings as it gets stuck there in my mind because I have BDD.

So today, even though I know its immature and silly. I think about it, indulge in it. Thats half the issue- that Im never good enough. You know when he says that lady gaga is hot or other people on the tv- yet im this dull grey pushed back hair person. It makes me usually really annoyed at him, but because Ive put on all this weight now. Ive gone from a XS to prob nearly a 12 now. Most of my clothes are really tight and its a warm spring day and I jsut feel hopeless. I dont even have the energy or havent had the energy to motivate myself mentally for intent to be who I want to be and change because Ive been caught up all the time in stress from his illness/behavior and my anxiety that its not only been mental exhaustion but body exhaustion too.

I feel like all the time I have no energy to do anything. Even when I want to.

But today Im having a big cry and feeling it. I am where I dont want to be. I look in the mirror and am someone I dont like inside and out. Im not soft, I feel like Im rigid and been thrown around and now washed up and overwieght and feeling like the one thing that I prob entered this relationship for in the first place which was stupidly wanting him to see me a certain way and never really getting what I wanted. Immature to try and get gratification from another person. I knew it and I still craved it as he would play it without realising.

Ive become so small now. I just really am hating this feeling that I was on top of the world before I went out with him. I had for once in my life my food addictions in control and easily lost my weight and held it off for a long time. I was getting fitter each day from hardly exercising and hot weather like today did not bother me. Now im back in feeling uncomfortable in tshirts. Something for over a decade or more I was afraid of. I used to be so ashamed.

I just want to get back to where I was just before rugs. I felt in control and my body was not sick all the time. Now Im just always in stress and exhaustion. And yet have issues sleeping and things like that. I havent really been able to work on myself and Ive felt like Ive had to do other things for others first anyway. Even so, its just so much energy to work on myself that I dont have as Ive depleted myself for so long of energy due to stress.

Havign said that, I really want to change everything in my life again. I want to do all the things I did last time to change and quietly work on myself. But it breaks me down when rugs thinks of me like that. And that when I was at my best in the way I felt about myself and looked after myself- he didnt even notice- I still wasnt someone beautiful to him then. He was never attracted to me like that I dont think. Only when I went over to his place a few times he found out he liked my company and that he basically got hormonal I guess and lonely and thoguht I could easily fill that space. It wasnt like he was pursueing me at work prior to that. Its like he would flirt and then leave me alone. And its because he didnt like the way I looked.
So it hurts me.
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Thos days where you hate everything about yourself and do not want to be seen or heard. Im in a big BDD dip - somewhere I haven't been in a while and today has been all morning of balling my eyes out in disparity and shame.
I'm sorry about that .. i hope you slide out of this BDD dip as soon as possible.
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Sounds like taking some time off far away from him may do you some good. I'm only coming into this on the tail-end of things, so I don't have the full story, so I'll try to keep myself objective.

Your relationship with your partner does need some major re-tuning or an outright breakup if his influence on you is draining you mentally and emotionally. Which one it is depends on you and your wishes for the future though. But, he should probably know about your BDD if you've been together long enough and should have tried to avoid comparing you to other people.

I do truly think that you need some time to yourself though, to figure out who you are, what you want, and how you want to get what you want. To learn how to love yourself and who you are so that you don't have to seek approval from anyone else. It'll do you a world of good.
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I agree with the above wholeheartedly.

..........

I wonder how many people who suffer from anxiety end up dragging themselves into the ground with exhaustion and burnout because the normal stresses of life are a little more for us than usual?

Im in a place right now- all this year really but towards the end of this year I feel like ive really burnt myself out. I get so stiff in the muscles and inflamed, my mind goes all over the place - my hormones I think are all over the place. When I do something - tasks that require lots of effort which I usually over do with effort (anxiety)- I end up for a week or even more so put out its like I have chronic fatigue. I end up crying out of frustration because I feel so weak and tired. Just the effort to do the simplest of things like get my hair brush and brush my hair can feel so heavy and exahausting.And to top it off my wieght has blown up and I get nightmares and cam never deep sleep. My digestion is all over the place. I jsut feel so mangled. I want to be in control.
But I know how to fix this, I think.My intuition and listening to my body is the key. I get energy when I do a juicing in the morning and have my routiene. When I put myself first. What I usually do is put myself last and put the things I need to do that arent about me first with great anxiety and weight and go all out on them. To get them out the way. Then, I can work on myself.
Today I am so exahausted. Its the morning and jsut doing the small things is an effort, yet I have to go to work. Which requires a 35 min drive and then having to tackle a tiny hoarded room with boxes up to the ceiling of stuff I have to sort out as well as the shop floor and also an hour of serving people and also putting up with a guy that is flirty and a joker when Im not in the mood to be anything at the moment lol.

I think Im depressed too. I feel like I jsut want to sleep as Im so tired. But I also jsut want to get on with getting better. I feel like putting everything else aside and doing that. Working back on myself.

And that is my plan. I did start it many weeks back and started to feel okay with myself and not so exhausted. I told everyone that I needed time to myself and esp made a priority to have the mornings at least.

Right now Im feeling shocked at how much wieght Ive put on and how much out of rythym I am with my body. I dont feel good about myself and its giving me really icky feelings. I was a size 6-8 and now Im pushing 10-12 and beyond.

Ive let myself be unguarded in my boundaries and important requirements in my life. Im pretty sure Ive got adreanal fatigue beause everytime I go to do something I can end up withflu like symptoms and like I can t move my body as its so stiff and achy.

Even my mind is so tired.

Im working out whether to go to work today or not. Thing is that I take it with responsibility- I mean Im the one in charge of most of the stuff there and if its not done this week - it adds for the next week. Which means more work for me. And its alot of very hard labor where there is no real support of any kind including even things - that you would normally need to work there if that makes sense. If I go to work today, I know that its a struggle just to go there and make that effort as the physucal state Im in is exausted already, very so. But I think about ballet dancers and how tired and in pain they are - and yet they still go and perform in that state. The body tolerates. But its the after effects that happen. It could mean for me all next week and even my own time for myself I may not be able to do anything because I will be so exahuasted. It just sux so bad.

I have goals that I want to get on top my health and go back to my high raw diet and start feeling better - goals that require a routiene and some relaxation and dedication to myself - nurturing what Ive neglected and getting back to feel strong and vital again.
But it takes energy to do that lol.

I jsut need to slow down. But I use my anxiety for motivation in nearly everything I do.
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Well that was an anxiety depressive attack this morning. I guess I had no real relaxation period.
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I think that the only reason you are with your boyfriend right now is because it's better than nothing, or better than being alone.
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Yes, but a little bit more than that. I'm a hopeless optimist too. And not sure what my feelings are. Above all, really dont want to hurt him. But your right, the thought of having that empty space and knowing Ive hurt him is not really something I want to deal with. Esp with him, time together has been very intense, he feels like he is part of the family.
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People don't really change. If you stay with him, it will keep being like this.
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I know.


Well. This has been my last 3 days. I keep putting my things last each day until when others have gone or not asking for anything, I forget my intentions for my own things and goals and winddown time, and am completely beyond tired and exhausted.

When I keep doing this, its like a elf sabotage because I will also eat things I normally wouldnt that I dont even like just to get some pleasure or something. Trying to get value back to me in the wrong places.

After 2 days of intensive work, where who I work for is so incompetent its extremely frustrating and exhausting. I feel so used and uncared for there. They rely on me and I shouldn't give as much as I do, I shouldn't care because the managers don't even run the place. The health and safety, every single thing is made so hard there.

So the last two days- I had been crying as I was already exhausted to even go to work. But I went. But it was such a struggle, I was already far exhausted then had to do some frustrating things and multitask and hard labor - top it off was a really warm and humid day.

The drive to and from work is long for me and takes it out of me, esp going home. So I had organized with rugs that Id stay over his that night (weeks ago decided) as the new Stranger Things show on Netflix came out yesterday and we were going to make a night of it. Even though I knew I would be really really pushing it with over exhaustion by that point- but he was going to pick me up rather than me drive over (he's done this lots of times) because it was just too exhausted to drive myself. I'm basically dragging myself by that point. I had to finish early at work as my mum who cant drive due to her deafness had to catch the bus to go to the city to babysit my niece and nephew and needed a lift to the bus stop. So I had to stop my work many hours beforehand and drive all the way back home to take her to the bus stop and shops. My dad, who was nearby was playing lawnbowls and cant miss games. So I was just so tired. Then I finally get home and pack my things and have a shower, have my tea and rugs tells me that he didnt feel like driving to get me- to pick me up because it was a warm day and he was tired of driving as he drove a little bit around the town today for something to do. So he asked his mum if she could pick me up instead. So I told him I would drive myself instead. This is just one of the things that really annoys me about him is his ignoance of double standards - he gets a little inckling of tired and everyone has to adjust. He stops things and goes with how he feels. Where as I jsut do things for the other person , I tolerate if Im tired and exahausted. But Im always so exahausted and he only volunteers 1 day a week- the rest of the week is just basically does nothing, no goals nothing really - except take photos and stuff for instagram and fb doing nothing.
I cant help but have no respect for him. He cant see he does nothing.

Anyways- so I drove to his place in even more exahaustion - something Id done many a time and is why I have landed in the health position im in now with fatigue.

We watch our shows and then he wants to get intimate and it lasts for hours - and Im really really really exahausted and half dead. End up going to bed late. I had to get up in the morning to drive home to feed my animals and stuff.

I wrote to rugs a few days ago telling him how I felt and that I just needed quite some days in solitude on my own to relax and do my own things so I can feel better. Which he completely forgot or didnt bother to read. He wanted to come over to my place this morning with me. Its like - I have my goals and things I want to plan and do. I am having deep issues with my body insecurity and putting on wieght and health issues and I just want time to myself but there is always something or someone always having to be first for my time and so I just let my priorities slide and slide and I end up so unhappy and depressed. When I was at work and before work I was in tears all the time. Couldnt help it.

So today, and he is with me all day. He wanted to watch more of the stranger things show on my Netflix. That is mostly why he was there. Thats the other thing is he comes off as really cold and completely disinterested in interaction with me unless its something Im giving him or doing for him or hormones. I cant help but feel how I feel so frustrated with him and trying to get his attention all the time and a reaction - and never getting it really and then turning to food or what ever instead.

Thats why I want so much time away to myself. I want my own private boundaries back. I want my own sanctuary where he cant barge in - where he wont turn up at my place unannounced all the time and when Im in the middle of something.

What got me today, is that he was going to go home round lunchtime as he said there was no point in him just hanging around and nothing to do. So I said to him that I do that all the time. I mean, I did that all last year and 6 months lol. And when I would tell him that I wanted some interaction when I was over his place and that all I saw was his back as he would be on his laptop all the time on fb- he would just tell me that I wanted too much attention or that I wanted him to entertain me all the time. But that is exactly what he wants from me when he is over my place. Yet its double standards when Im over his place. Same with the tiredness. He is not prepared for any tiny uncomfortableness - he wont sacrifice that for others - I do the opposite.

And then I end up like this.

So I really want to get back into my goals and working on myself - I want lots of space from him. But he usually is a yeah yeah things are good - not interested in what you go on about - kind of guy. He has the nerve to tell me I go on about my health issues and then not realise he is part of them.

Anyways. today I have exahausted myself so much and now Im finally on my own- but Im way too tired to do anything for myself. All my energy went over the last many days for others. I jsut keep doing this.

I was going to tell rugs I wanted my space and to be on my own - (again) but it was his dad's birthday today - who died in July.
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So today, and he is with me all day. He wanted to watch more of the stranger things show on my Netflix. That is mostly why he was there. Thats the other thing is he comes off as really cold and completely disinterested in interaction with me unless its something Im giving him or doing for him or hormones
He sounds like a teenage boy, where they usually just grunt/etc (like a zombie) when talking, but get all 'YEAH WOW MAN!!!' when sth "big" happens (ie hyper-animated, they "come to life" in a violent/extreme way). Sort of like the jekyll'n'hyde effect; or bipolar manic depression.

I hope you can soon arrange things, so that you're not constantly overloaded & stressed. Even something basic, like have an hour to yourself each day, doing nothing but just "unwinding" & having a beer.

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Yeah - thats him. You know the thing is - he is actually being his genuine and doing his best - like I dont write much about these positive things as its more here of what bothers to let it out. Its just that really he isnt a match for me in the things that I would like in a man- I mean he has things like superior loyalty and security and I very much value those things. But its just the severe indifference that is there that chews me up and stops me from being authentic I guess.

He lacks values and social cues - his main issue is his illness- most people wouldnt really see his illness fully - after a little bit they would notice he is a bit off or something and very forward in friendly yet at the same time very distant and in alogia ( I think that is what its called.). There are so many things that come with this illness - just so many and he is unaware of them, but I do let him know kindly every now and then. I cant help it.

So I journalled this morning for once as I had a window of time to myself. I am starting to see my days as moments of energy. When I need to conserve and when I need to put out. And most importantly scheduling a self care routine and sticking to it regardless of my mum or rugs or anyone else - even work. I am going to stick to my routine in the morning and then build onto that. Ive written a whole thing about what Im going to do. And this is what always has worked for me - how Ive gotten my intent and structure of my goals in health out and gone to achieve them in the past.

Rugs keeps telling me that I am the person that says Im going to do things and never do them. That I complain about my health and then say im going to do this and that, but then never actually do them. But Ive been quite ill all year in severe exhaustion and flus, Ive been draging myself just to do basic things.

But he doesnt realise is that he is always in my face for my time. That I feel stressed like he is waiting for me- he hardly ever has a schedule or his own agenda. He likes to put his agena dependent on me almost. I feel obliged to do stuff with him rather than my own indepenent stuff and then when I am finaly in my own stuff Im worn out or in a different mode. I always have an anxiety that ive got no privacy or boundaries as he can say hell come over hours later then just turn up and I might be right in the middle of wht Im doing. He just turns up walking into my house to visit. He cant stick to times and things like that alot.

Anyway, he seems to think that I am (I think) that I am just this lonely sad (or was) girl that was abused in her past and has social anxieties that make me not be 'out there' so to speak.

But the thing is the reality is that I am a very strong woman lol. I think anyway. The changes that I have made in my life over nearly 2 decades- being able to re-invent myself about 4 times in my life takes emense energy, dedication, self awareness, thoughtfulness etc..
Ive gone through alot and was really going through a learning curve in self development and really growing again until I started going out with him. Now Ive kinda shrunk but learnt stuff and grown in a different way - different to the alignment of where Ive wanted to go.

But what Im saying is that its sad that he cannot see how strong I am. I really want to show him this. Itsa good motivation for me.

Having said that, its kind of ego-based. And eog has a way of making everything seem invisable other than your delude and hype I guess.
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Im feeling really really depressed today and yesterday. I know some people cope with this everyday.

I get depressed when I put on wieght. I know it sounds silly but I get very anxious and depressed and feel like Im sliding back into my old days where I was too ashamed of how I look to even get out of the house or s ocialize for a decade here and there. Being A sexual and hiding at the thought of anyone coming to the house. Living on acres with the parents ( i still do) and being out side well away from anyone as its isolated but at the sound of a car I would bolt to my room. Even people I knew. Even family disregarding my parents. Id even hide outside the house against the bricks and make sure I wasnt seen and wait it out the entire soical trip these people would make till I could go back into my room as I couldnt as I didnt want them to see me do so.
I lived like that for a long time. I was so ashamed of myself. I was overweight and wearing raggy clothes as I was too ashamed to buy new clothes - it was a very depressive conscious thing for me to buy new clothes as id end up feeling even more ashamed and depressed with myself. Id where jumpers all the time. Big jumpers to cover myself up. Id go to the shops to make myself feel better later on and the library- Id drive down myself and get the courage to go into these places and Id go get some processed junk food like vegan choc cooking chips and lollies and such - Id eat that stuff like it was the only small pleasure I had. I hated being like that and I would write about and dream about being out of it all the time. When you are in a certain way like that for a long time, everyone around you associates you of that person even though you severely do not like being that person and hide away.
I would drive my mum to shopping and errands as she cant drive and sit in the car writing about how I wanted to change my life as it sucked so much.
I never could get through the addiction to emotionally eating crap from the supermarket and that was the very thing holding me back plus I had no real social motivation because I was not social at all. I had no real reflection from others, when I did go to tech college for administration courses that was such a painful experience and Id end up dragging myself there and crying in the toliets. People saw my weight and saw my insecurities. I wasnt anything of who I wanted to be, who I thought I really was. Id be talking about green juicing for health to people and they would be like looking at me as though I did that. So I ended up not proceeding in the course.

I had to have a foundation of self esteem and security first to tackle the social stuff. I was always in this dilema until my job agency encouraged me to go for a job (my first) at this thrift/chairty store. I didnt even need an interview - they did it all for me and I was guarenteed pay for it on top of my new disability pension. So I went out of obligation and turned up at a place with quite rough and odd people. Like the lower class of society with desperates and mentally not there people. I found it overtime not so much a threat and began to actually enjoy it once I got my footing. I found I could take my intiative and have freedom to make my own agendas each day there.

And then I met Rugs. Who socializes like he is flirting - which I took for flirting like anyone would and just that inkling made was what I needed for huge amunition to loose my weight and become that person I wanted to be that wasnt ashamed anymore. I had that flame and desire in me every second and in no time actually became even more than I had hoped. I became the health person I knew I was and deep into feeling alive and able to tackle my emotions, not by hiding and stuffing my face, but by journalling and going through things and reading and learning more- by being conscious of how I felt and targeting what was up.
I was really getting somewhere and then going to build onto that with goals in other areas.

And then all that rugs stuff got to me and the thought that a guy actually liked me was a big deal to me. Like a huge thing and I thought at the time that him asking me out despite his obvious mental issues that it could be something light hearted and practice to improving my self esteem and something way different to the asexual being I was. I had to say yes to push myself out of that old person I was.

But now its been 17 months of dating him and been such a severe learning curb for me. I dont at this point know how to tell someone who has a completely different version of reality than most people of things. Its so frustrating. I mean he can be now very caring and concerned for me when Im down,try to change himself for me- all that stuff that shows that a guy is cement on into you you know. And yet at the same time not be that person that you can rely on that is a security - its like a trick that he can act normal kinda and nice and stuff but I can never rely on him for security of mostly any kind. I mean he can be there for me when Im down but you cant emotionally rely on someone that is like how he is. That is not all there, that has an insanity and warped mind. And all the things that he does and doesnt do that is the illness feels like bricks I have to carry all the time. And when Im down I internalise it and tell him its because of myself. When what I want to do is yell and tell him he doesnt deserve me and that he has subconciously taken advantage and used me financially and in many other ways because he cannot see outside of himself. I want to yell and tell him so many things about his reality that is not reality. I mean, what guy in his early 30s digs up old photos of himself with his shirt off and cuts out popstar women and paste them next to him with love hearts and put it on facebook and think it makes his page look nice? I mean trying to even think of telling him that that is a sad looser activity and that it is like a joke that noon in thier right mind unless it was for comical reasons would do that.
I mean things like that jsut highlight his reality to the general public and its really disturbing because he can be things for me- kind of a security and like he is just a normal parnter and then its all this other stuff that shows he is not at all.

Its distressing and it plays on my anxiety big time. How do I show him his reality is different.
I have to be inauthentic. Be fake and make out things are okay, turn a blind eye to stuff to make the peace and it eats me up. I harbor anger and resentment and dissappointment and stress and it has made me blow up to 15kg heavier than I was when I first went out with him. And it sux.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grapevine View Post
...where I was too ashamed of how I look to even get out of the house or socialize for a decade here and there. Being A sexual and hiding at the thought of anyone coming to the house. Living on acres with the parents (i still do) and being out side well away from anyone as its isolated but at the sound of a car I would bolt to my room. Even people I knew. Even family disregarding my parents. Id even hide outside the house against the bricks and make sure I wasnt seen and wait it out the entire soical trip these people would make till I could go back into my room as I couldnt as I didnt want them to see me do so.
I lived like that for a long time. I was so ashamed of myself...
I used to stay in my room whenever visitors came over. And the longer i stayed in my room, hearing them all thru the walls, the worse it got, and so i stayed in my room more, when at first i was more open to seeing the visitors, and my anxiety/worry kept going up and up. I was ashamed of myself, but for different reasons.
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I used to be a receiver at christmas like most kids did. I remember being overwhelmed and happy with my gifts and excited to see the family. I still get sort of excited. I like christmas as i love to give, it makes me happy and excited. But i just cannot say that since i was a kid ive never really had those received feelings since. You know, ive kinda had to please myself in the way of gifts go. I do feel like i give all the time and never get anything back really in return but its not that i do things for that. I give because it makes me happy. I guess towards the end of the year, my bday is in November and then xmas. I usually take control of my bday, if i want a special i have to plan it myself and let others know like going to an animal park or something. I know i wont get any surprises - id love for someone to do something special for me- it would put my faith back out of the resentment in me from rugs and make me feel more derserving but i know that wont happen from anyone. Today im deep in resentment. Months before rugs bday in may this year I planned and bought him an iphone. I gave it to him in advance. It was a second hand one oldish model- but like new and far better than his cheapo phone he was carrying around. I thought he could use it to record his music on and all that. I paid $300 plus for it. And now Im in resentment. Because I know that he wouldnt even be thinking about my bday coming up late november and that he will prob just give me a bag of 10 cent second hand baby toys and small teddybears in a plastic bag or something again and think Im a lucky girl for receiving that. Or he'll get me other stuff from second hand shops like little ornaments to put on the overload 'my display shelf' at his place. Most likely. I guess I feel like a tiger waiting to pounce. That Im not even mentioning my bday at all and see how he goes with it. I want him to notice the difference between my gifts and his. Sure I overspent, but I saved up for it. Lets see if he remembers. Lets see what he does. I mean he can spend $100 with his friend, even though he owes me money. Im so sick of him when he comes into my place ( I live with my parents) and just takes the fruit out the fruit bowl and eats it, or helps himself in the kitchen or uses our phone - all without asking- its so rude and it always puts me in position of feeling invaded by his rudeness.
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I had been very resentful today and going ahead with story lanes to make me feel it all - to play the victim so to speak. I guess resentment is something that I find hard to deal with and need advice prob from my therapist in a fortnight. As it can get out of hand and really make me feel taken for granted and really grumpy, vindictive almost. It bundles up into this ball and I feel so horrible, so frustrated.

There are just values and standards I like to try and uphold and when someone close doesn't hold any of them it gets really frustrating. I really need to practice with my therapist with chair work getting it out and then actually comprising how to talk to rugs in a kind and authentic way to the things that are bothering me and how I feel resentful of them. All the things. I need to forgive myself for feeling and carrying on with holding onto these ill feelings and forgive him as he does have a clueless mind and deals with a major psychological illness.

I guess tho, that when I go there I feel really sad, not really for me- but more for him. It's not fair you know. At the same time I take things with a lot of gravity I guess.

Im a bit of a perfectionist. This afternoon he came over and we watched a movie on my bed. Just the smell of slight hairspray and cigarettes and him touching my jumper with his tobacco hands - I feel so mean, but I'm so sensitive to those things and it means I have to air out my room - wash my jumper etc. He is like a bundle of toxins like the anti-christ to my health goals lol. I take my fresh air as one of my top values. I always have prior to him. Even before, going to the supermarket and walking through the doors - having to walk past that stench of stale cigarette smoke would make me feel so off and sensitive to it - it makes me so angry and my pet hate of people smoking esp right in front of entrances. They are ignorant to other people and it really makes me angry. Having a partner that smokes makes me even more angrier - esp when the place that I live - acres of land in fresh air away from the township- and then he comes and smokes around the corner of the house. It ruins it. I just really hate it so much lol. Seriously its a pet hate and want him to actually not smoke whilst he is over. I cant even go near him and then I have to put up with it and I wonder why I have been so ill for so long this year.

Ive got sensitivities to nasty air pollutions like that because I havent been exposed to anything for a long time, Ive been at home in the fresh air for over a decade.

I wont complain though ( oh but I do..), my life is pretty good. I guess I just have issues with dealing with boundaries and 'The People' - and my struggles with weight/sexual abuse feelings. But im strong and learn so much. I know I write on here so intently negative most times but it acts as a way to get it out automatic writing and it can be a life saver sometimes when all the bent up feelings are in there.
At the heart of it all, I just want to have things feel right in my little part of the universe. I want to have things happy for me and build on practicing that and also be a positive to those around. But it starts with me and self care and my values and then expressing my boundaries.

I guess one thing I do know - is that when I have ever put out really positive vibes to other people - it can come back in them too. I mean Ive done that with rugs. When Ive made efforts- despte feeling certain ways- its came back to me to happiness in him etc. But the trick for me is the be authentic and genuine and that is where things can get hard for me because I have to ultra assertive and honest with myself and others and Im def not used to doing that with people.
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