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Old 1 Week Ago
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This might interest you (tho it's for couples in general, not couples with pscholgical disorders): 3 Signs You’re in a Bad Relationship
Omg lol - yes to all of them

Yes I wish I were home alone, yes the ratio of negative communication is higher than the positive (only because i dont much communication and consider that a negative), and I guess I dont have personal freedom - not that he controls me- but that his lifestyle and his neediness and lack of any other areas in his own life means I dont get much freedom to pursue my own goals and hobbies - I end up feeling guilty for wanting more time to myself to do so and also having to sacrifice so much time to hang out with him when what I want to do is my own things.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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But he is not a bad guy though - I jsut get angry because he doesnt have the same values as me and his illness weaves into everything.
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Omg lol - yes to all of them
QUICK, call the "relationship cops" !!!
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Old 1 Week Ago
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lol
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So one thing= he goes to bed at 7:30 if Im not over his place. Its like a depression thing. Like he is just living for my company sometimes because he cant function on his own - wants the company and hates the nighttime.

And then tomorrow. I really need to plant all my plants Ive bought. But I end up having to sacrifice and share my time with him for half the day. My days (when Im free and not working) go with me in the morning usually having to take my mum who is mostly deaf and cant drive - down to the town to do her shopping or things - and it takes quite a while and then I finially get back home and try to make my health foods and then Rugs comes over and I have to entertain him by taking the dog for a walk somewhere and then by the time he goes and Im back at home I get tired and that time I wanted for myself ends up with me just laying down and on the internet.

There are things that I want to do and he gets in the way. Ive finally been putting my foot down but he seems to get depressed about it. But he has nothing at all to do, no goals, responsibilities he cant be bothered, just not really doing anything but unhealthy things like selfies and being in this defensive delusion online to imaginary people he thinks are watching him.

Its like he wants all my time like I used to do until I woke up and stop up to obligations I thought from being unrude. I just want the freedom to pursue my things without him being all dissappointed.

I have to think about things to take him out because he cannot do that for me. Its like Im taking a child out somewhere. Like a drag sometimes. I mean, I try to make our walks entertaining, but I dont try so hard anymore to please him because hes just all in his mind and its like everyone has to cater for him because he cant do it himself. It feels uncomfortable.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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lol
Now THAT is a BIG giggle. Symptomatic of the state of affairs i guess?
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...things like selfies and being in this defensive delusion online to imaginary people he thinks are watching him
Well, the thing about facebook, instagram, twitter, etc ... is that you ARE being watched, by your FOLLOWERS!!! (he does have followers does he not?). But they DON'T MEAN to be nosey/intrusive/spying-like, but they KINDA ARE!!! (as is the NATURE of such a thing)
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Old 1 Week Ago
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Well, the thing about facebook, instagram, twitter, etc ... is that you ARE being watched, by your FOLLOWERS!!! (he does have followers does he not?). But they DON'T MEAN to be nosey/intrusive/spying-like, but they KINDA ARE!!! (as is the NATURE of such a thing)
lol basically me - im his follower as he usually asks me and himself in other accounts.

And this is what I have to see lol:


..it just keeps going, with more and more and more. He is completely self obsessed with himself and his Instagram is even more so. There are no boundaries to his egotism. And he is not ashamed of it and doesn not see anything unhealthy or immoral about being obsessed all day about his selifies and his old photos.

Its really quite disturbing.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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Those things def fill a need for him - that's thinking positively about it.

I know schizophrenics are meant to be very creative. And maybe they can see things in photos that others can't (eg the above photos seem almost identical to me, and probably to you too, but maybe rugs "sees" them as completely different photos?)

Ps: Don't ever suggest he get a tattoe - the next thing you know, he'll be covered from head to toe!
And he suspect people are staring at his tattoes, you included!
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Those things def fill a need for him - that's thinking positively about it.

I know schizophrenics are meant to be very creative. And maybe they can see things in photos that others can't (eg the above photos seem almost identical to me, and probably to you too, but maybe rugs "sees" them as completely different photos?)

Ps: Don't ever suggest he get a tattoo - the next thing you know, he'll be covered from head to toe!
And he suspects people are staring at his tattoos, you included!

I think he gets intense in whatever emotions he is in. If he is silly, its intense- if he is serious - its intense, if he is egotistic its intense.

I ask him why so many and why all the time- his reply is that he really likes his face and wants to put himself out there. He thinks he has psychopathic tendencies and narcissistic tendencies. And he kinda does to some extent - there is no filter and refinement in his indulging in himself - theres no questioning of alot of his behavior like that and I find it quite disturbing really. Ive been brought up to not care about those things- looks etc. And yet you see him completely absorbed in his face and hair and putting everyting 2nd to that lol.

He has quite a few tattoos. Michael Jordan on his leg, and some wolf from a movie or something on his hand, then a mistake of when his was psychotic of a Nazi symbol on his stomach (as he thought he would be a skinhead and look scary in defense of people at the time) and then one of this famous Australian killer Chopper Reed on his arm.

I personally dont like tattoos. Well, I kinda really only like ones that symbolize postitive stuff and natural looking like Xavier Rudd the singer ( whom im a big fan of lol)

Heehee.. he has a tattoo of the Red Tailed Black Cockatoo which is my fav bird here in Australia and endangered and he raises money for it with his music, he also has his aboriginal tribe (he has in his genes) artwork for his tattoos. So I like that.

But what I dont get about tattoos - if they dont really mean much except for some ego thing- or attention - I think they look trashy mostly. Like if im going to draw say a cartoon of a person with tattoos - I usually just scribble blue and green on their arms or whatever lol- cause thats what it can look like.

If they did tattoos in gold - like those Indian hand art then that would be nice- but u cant apparently get gold tattoos lol.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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So Im sitting here in my room a bit upset. Its about midday and stormy and raining in spring.
Rugs had slept over my place last night. I really dont like him sleeping over because I feel like all my sheets and stuff end up with his viscious hairspray and cigarette smell that I am allergic to. So it has the potential to enter my own space, my room where I always have my health goals. So its uncomfortable. Not to mention his toxic sweaty body. I know I sound rough but its like my bed and my bedroom want to be the one boundary Id like to be able to have my space and I dont when he is there.

So he left in the morning. And I got on to this giant task of finishing my lucky dips for work - where Ive gots loads of toys and books floating around on the loungeroom carpet in front of the tv that I know my parents whom I live with arent exactly happy with. So Ive been trying to get it done all week.

just before lunch Rugs rings up and asks if Id like to do something with him. I was pre-occupied with my lucky dips that Id been doing for many hours. Just wanting to get them done and on a role. I told him in a few hours after lunch maybe do something. So I start cleaning up my mess a bit and get on with trying to finish the lucky dips. Then he turns up about 20 minutes later. Telling me he couldnt be bothered waiting so came over early anyway.
So I end up jumping on to clean up my dips and neatly put things away to keep the folks happy and then go and get myself ready for going out. And as Im doing that Im feeling really upset because i feel like once again my time is on his watch. Like all last year and alot of this year. When I have a million things I need to do, and he has 0 things to do - or nothing responsible he will recognize and bother to do - I end up his answer to boredom and end up having to find something for us to do when really I just want to do all the things I had planned before. I just get frustrated because I end up in a position where I have to be there for him and extend my energy to make him happy and go out and do things with him- over being responsible and doing the things that I need to be doing or having to tell him I cant do anything with him today and him ending up all dissappointed.

like today. I got really upset because hes done his hair and put his jacket on, got excited and came over to my place and Ive told him Im too tired to do anything with him today that ive changed my mind.
So he says thats okay and goes home and I end up feeling really bad. He tells me hell just go home and clean. The only thing he really ever says when he is home- that hell go clean. But really he is on his phone or laptop on social media and getting into unhealthy implodes of himself.
I can't help that I am tired and have responsibilities and just don't want to have to deal with him today. He waits around for me to do something with him and suggest things- its like a pressure every day. He has nil things he can go and do himself. And im so exhausted all the time.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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I guess I just get really frustrated. I had an anxiety attack yesterday over his instagram and thinking about everything else disturbing about him and it went from there. Mostly induced from pms though.

Yesterday I got quite sick from my period and so I told him I needed my space, even though he wanted to sleep over again. He agreed and said he would just go to bed early at home then, thats what he does is go to bed at like 6:30 or something that ridiculously early bcause Im not there.
So around 8:30 at night and Im enjoying watching a film on my own in my bed and I hear this noise and its Rugs turned up. Not to stay over but to visit. But it was weird behavior. He turns up without telling and at weird times all the time that it gives me anxiety and stress.I feel like I have no boundaries when he does that. So he comes over and doesnt explain why he is over but tells me he cut his hair and what do I think about it. Then he sits on my floor, on the carpet next to my bed and starts going on his phone, on fb or whatever and also playing with my dog. I attempt to talk to him- and he ignores me- Im just making small talk here- and he can hardly respond. He comes over and cannot talk to me. Im the one who has to intiate conversation and he cant even answer that. So Im just sitting there waiting for him to go so that I can watch the rest of my movie, so I can then watch another one with my mum who is waiting.
Thats what I mean, its so frustrating. He comes at innappropriate times without warning and cant even talk to me. Its like he just comes over to get out of his house and has no respect or care to whether Im busy or not. Seeing he isnt really going to bother to talk to me anyway.
So its like hell come over when Im in the middle of getting ready for work, or when Ive told him to come after lunch and he comes at lunch and has not had his own lunch.. that sort of thing - or most of the time when Im trying to do my things - my responsibilities and in the thick of them - and he comes over and I have to accomodate him and be all nice and just completely stop what I was doing to do so. And yet he cant talk to me. And now I think he is here again, on a morning when I am getting ready for work. Like whats his problem.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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What I realy want and need is alot of space away from him. I dont want him coming into my place when ever he wants and coming into my room or what ever. Even when he knows I am busy- he still comes over.
He is disrespectful and rude when he does these things because he is thinking about himself and not about me. Like yesterday, coming over way early because he didnt want to wait that long. Thats the thing, he has nothing else to do. Im so tired of it. That he gets to act like he deserves me when he doesnt. He doesnt deserve me being nice to him.

I really need to express to him how strange and stressful he makes my life - and why. But how can I do that without him putting it back onto me and making me seem like someone bad - because that is what will happen.

He is just so selfish and so self indulged that he puts me in a corner where I feel like I have to be this person to him and get nothing in return..

What I mean is that he cannot give.

Like last night and he comes over to visit without warning and just sits on my bedroom floor and cant respond to my small talk and cant talk to me. Only if I liked his haircut. So im just sitting there waiting for him to leave. Its so uncomfortable. I mean, what am I suppose to do. What I wanted to do - if this was a healthy relationship (which is impossibly not) I would ask him why he was over and what he wanted and that he should have warned me and that I need boundaries with him.. that he needs to respect them. And then that he cant talk to me and what kind of a position does that leave me in. etc..
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Old 1 Week Ago
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I feel immensely stressed out all the time by him.
Last week I had a reasonably good week as I put myself first. I did my self care routines I hadnt done in a while and I felt on top of things because I was putting myself first.

I feel though, today as I go to work - already so stressed and like ive had no time to be on my own and do my own stuff. I feel like a slave that gets past around lol.

So Ive been thinking that Ill have to have a talk rugs and my mum about how the whole mornings are completely mine. That rugs is not to visit me in those times and that I can do as I please- mainly I want to do my juicing, and some relaxation exercise and dry skin brushing and journal etc.. things that will make me feel in control and more myself.

lately ive been trying to do my things like gardening - wanting to do it everyday for a few days and all day - and not getting the chance because rugs is left on his own in his room and needs someone like me to hold his hand and take him out and find him things to try and do for the day other than those things... he cannot do anything for himself and have his own life other than stay home most of all the time and do retarded videos and photos and upload them to social media. Things like him just pulling faces he thinks is hilarious.

When I jsut want my space and I have to deal with him. And he sees it that he lacks things but wont admit it to himself.

He can really be very selfish. In so many ways- unintentionally most of the time. And I dont mean selfish as in victimising me - I mean as in only being able to think of himself.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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How do I tell him I need a break and that his ways make me feel so stressed out?
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you know what I just feel like I want so much space. With me, I dont want to be with rugs - I like the IDEA of him which is NOT HIM. Im so tired of my life this year. Im so caught up in these victim dramas caused by Rugs being the way he is. That I find it very hard to FEEL - like I feel like a hardened up steel person and Ive never wanted to be like that. I used to be like that for years and it caused alot of inner issues. I was so introverted and closed off. In a small world I had. Safe from the outside world. But Ive grown and come a long way from that now and am quite proud of myself.

Its just that I want to be able to breathe deeply in a sigh of relief and feel like I don't have to fight for my own way I want to live, fight for my own life that is so different to most, esp to rugs. I want to feel feminine and heartened - I want to feel all my feelings and be authentic and care for myself and grow and grow as a person. But I feel like I can't seem to truly do that when I have rugs around. He invades my space and even when most of the time I severely need my space from him because he's been in my face with neediness mixed with no interaction - and his whole loopy world. I feel like I dont get to relax and let things go because I always have to be the responsible one- even for minor things because he just cant do those things. Its not the dynamics of a relationship where a girl respects herself really. To have to do everything for him in it and to not even get interaction or that thing- you know - a relationship is like a dance - I read that somewhere- where you do something - and the partner thanks you and reciprocates. With rugs I give and he takes - even in interaction.

I just need a HUGE BREAK from him because his behaviours make me so sick. Alsways on my mind all the lifestyle that is so far stretched away from anything I like. We are nothing alike with hardly any at all similar tastes or beliefs or lifestyle and seeing him online do such stupid immature things with his time really makes me angry because it screams out disrespect to me. I get so annoyed with him I just want to take him down so many notches- really tell him what I think of him because he is in such delusions and not even seing how much a looser and sad life he is living. That he just cannot do basic goals and plans to get himself into a better place so that others don't have to carry all his weight all the time. I mean I know he is ill, but its so much stuff you have to put up with with him and so much stuff you have to keep in and not expose to him and he is allowed to walk all over you though.
Its kind of like that show Haters Back Off with him being Miranda. Hes like Miranda and Im like Miranda's sister. lol
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Old 1 Week Ago
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Does he see you as like a mother figure - all nurturing & giving, like a mother is with her baby or toddler? That means the relationship is not two equals, as he is the "boy king" & you are his maid-servant.
Another way to look at it, is that he is an "energy vampire", sucking all the energy from you (typically introverts give energy, & extroverts take energy).
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Old 1 Week Ago
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Does he see you as like a mother figure - all nurturing & giving, like a mother is with her baby or toddler? That means the relationship is not two equals, as he is the "boy king" & you are his maid-servant.
Another way to look at it, is that he is an "energy vampire", sucking all the energy from you (typically introverts give energy, & extroverts take energy).
Well yes - this is quite like what this relationship is the majority of the time. Though, it's not seen by him and not intentional.
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Okay so I got stressed out today. Like the other days - but by the second day of work in the week and Im already tired and stressed and its just such a stretch to have to deal with the business I work with as they basically have no input into managing the place so its all about using all of your own powers to do everything there with nothing if that makes sense. If my coworker who had to leave at 2:00 (which is the time I am supposed to but spend the whole day instead in overtime just to be on top of everything) - if she didnt ring up the office to ask for someone else to come in and help serve - (which they had to scramble to find someone) - I would be left in the shop for 3-4 hours all on my own having to multi task and serve people. Its not right. I mean, requirements with me anyway is that I only serve for up to an hour - otherwise is just too much anxiety for me. Thank god my coworker who has Aspergers and is really nice to work with rang up whilst I forgot to and someone stepped in to help. But the fact that it takes us to have to do that everytime. There is just no one really running this shop - the managers just dont bother and it sux.


Anyway I wanted to put this here:


Image - TinyPic - Free Image Hosting, Photo Sharing & Video Hosting

These are the type of posts that I have to deal with all the time. First it was FB and now hes addicted to Instagram. I have gotten so stressed out about it. There is something in you when you are dating someone like this. It makes you feel so strained and ill inside. Makes you feel so frustrated and aggressive and want to slap him in the face and mock him. Its disrespectful to himself and to me and its ill. And he is ill and cannot see it.

These are not aimed at me though btw. They are aimed at people that arent there.

I had a quick talk to him about it this afternoon online and putting words into his mouth I said is it just something to relieve your anger or whatever and outlet- and thats kinda what it is to him. But the thing is he is spending all his days on that most of the time. Minutes and hours.

Now I feel like I am wronged by him to be stressed by this. Its excessive and its really stressful to me. Its distressing. There are so many posts like this all the time in arrogance and narcisstic stuff (which is what he likes to indulge in) - he cant see how much it is a safety behaviour in a very childish manyor to have to put out there vile arrogant posts aimed at nobody but yet he is aiming at people - they he may think are watching him -- and he cant see how delusional that is.

As a partner of him and seeing this behaviour I am sure I have a warrant to be distressed and frustrated and upset and just really irritated, distressed right?

And when I mention it - last week or so I told him it really distressed me and I would cry over it alot because of how distressing it would get seeing it. But that made him even increase going on there for some reason. He jsut would tell me not to go on there and to block me. After trying to have a conversation to him about it - he says he wants to do something else now instead of type online lol. thats how rude it is and I get so irritated by his behaviour like that. I mean I have a reason to have concern and he needs to think about his actions and how much stress I can take with him being an idiot.

But I go on there and Ive explained this to him this afternoon online. That I I go there because most of the time he wont interact and talk to me - so going on there shows me what is on his mind and whats he up to etc..

And its all about delusions and paranoia and arrogance and delusions of grandeur. His cognitive abilities are so short-circuited it just gives me disbelief.

His behaviour online is excessive and obsessed with himself. Extremely obsessed. An implosion of him and his world. Like everything about him and around him is gold that he touches. Like he describes as his outlet for being cocky and narci. He doesnt seem to care how it makes me feel and I feel like looking at them gives me good fodder to break up with him down the track.

I dont want to go out with a guy like him that is far way down the track of nuts that I didnt know people were that far down the track that werent locked up to be honest.

Hes had the whole few days to clean his fish tanks as a fish died because his tanks were green and brown slime again. The other week he chose to buy drugs $100 worth ( And this is against my whole being of who I am- hes an idiot drug addict - ) because his friend was down and they always used to do that when they do their music. Instead of actually just buying like $14 or less of water for the fish- he spent that money on drugs. So a fish died. Also, he couldn't afford hardly anything for the entire week that week. Hes an idiot. And then, so he at least bought the water- but rather than do the fish asp- he decides hes got the music bug and goes and plays his guitar for half the day instead whilst doing his selfies for his Instagram.
Just basic responsibilities. Their filters need to be cleaned every week or few days really but he will never get to doing that.

Its takes him so long just to do one tiny task.

I jsut hate how he cannot see this and thinks he is incrediably smart and talented and so on.. when his family or me end up having to hold his hand for basic things.

this all just makes me incrediably sad and stuck in a situation where Im always on the fence. So much energy to just care for him and try to be in the same as him in this relationship - when Im the adult and he is the does whatever person.

Im having a whole weekend to myself at least. I plan and have made time for myself each morning and all days if I want to o do just my own things and self care and lift me up. But I hate how in the back of my mind is all the stress and ill feelings towards him and these behaviours.

Ive had long conversations (one sided on his side) for hours into the morning with him telling me all about his irriations with 'people' who want to be his friends online but arent good enough because of their photos or something. Or that 'people' in real life know that he is a 'really talented best in the state heavy metal guitarist' but wont tell it to his face- even though everybody goes onto his facebook pages and sees his videos.. according to him.


In these moments when he goes on, he can be incrediably passionate about his delusions that if I question them to him he gets quite defensive and tries to make me feel bad about myself by saying mean things lol. I end up sitting in disbelief and wanting to run a mile of how much physchopathic little streaks are in him when he displays moods like that- not towards me but towards his granduier and his thinking of paranoia and agression over people not being as good as him according to him. And that fact that he even mentions that he is a really busy man and doesnt have time for people... hahaha - I will say what do you do all day then..? And he doesnt have answer but he is just so stuck in a different world that how the hell am I supposed to twist my logical life to connect with him without this feeling of repel and distaste and more.

I am living in this situation I put myself in anyway. When I was obsessed with him back in the day a nearly 2 years ago now, all I knew was that he had schizophrenia was a bit funny but that was really nice to me and made me laugh and that online - he was weird and sexist with his pictures of women that made my bdd go crazy. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge me as attracive to him. Its silly, but the way he played me - was flirting and then not paying attention to me for months and then actually asking me over to his place and not really showing any sexual interest in me or anything like that but being very pollite. And then not bothering to interact with me at work for 5 months. How was I supposed to react to that? Even one time back then, one incident I remember- I was invited to this older people who volounteered at our work- to thier house for a luncheon. I got out of work quickly to go there that day as I knew rgus would be there and I wanted to impress him. We were the only 2 young people there. And we hardly talked. Except for that he didnt like my cookies I made for some reason. At the end of the lunch thing- I tried to hurry to catch up to him as we were leaving at the same time and he basically didnt say anything to me and I tried to talk to him. He just got in his car and drove away so rudely. It was very apparrent to me that he didnt want anything to do with me and didnt care about being rude or that he was not well. More apparrent that he just wanted to go. So that day everything after that was in such slow motion. I drove home in tears. I felt like absolutely nothing. I remember coming on here in this diary and writing about it. From that day on, I decided that he didnt deserve my attention and that I was better than him anyway. As I had intergrity and morals and even though he could make me by ignoring me and confusing me - make me feel like I was unattractive and unworhty - yet sometimes the opposite. I just didnt want to put up with it anymore. And now that Ive been going out with him for sometime now - I still remember that day. And I still feel in my heart and being that he does absolutely not deserve one bit of my attention. He doesnt desreve at all to be with me. And yet I still am there : /

I told him sometime ago about that day and he told me that he just wanted to get out from that day because he only relaly came for some food and the time to go by so that he could go later and get drugs with his friends. He used to go and do drugs every Friday apparrently which is now why I know why he acted wierd to me all the time. I even told him about how he would lfirt and then ignore and be rude and it really hurt and frustrated me- and he told me that it was because of the way I dressed apparrently- that I looked like a farm girl lol. I mea, what idiot would decide on someone based on thier clothing? The ay I dressed was basically casual fashion to what most girls wear these days - Id get my clothes from ASOS and be wearing crop shirts with black leggings and white converse shoes- Id wear old school 90s shirts and tuck them in my leggings - it was cool- lol so I dont know how he saw what he did/ I used to try so hard to be perfect each time I would go to work - so that perhaps just maybe he would notice me. And - he kind of started the whole thing anyway - as the way he is with people in his interaction is almost like hitting on people with charm and charisma - I didnt realise at the time that he does that with everyone- I thought it was just at me and flirting - anyone would have thought that. I mean I asked him if he did like me at work and he said he always hada thing for me- but he wanted me to look different.. dress different and wear my hair down and all that. Which I will not give him the pleasure of now btw lol. So I did pick up on that and it did give me so much bdd at the time.

Anyways- I know that lifting myself up like I did the other week by caring for myself and writing my goals and pursuing them is wht lifts me out of this messy victim mentality. There is always going to be frustration and anger with him from me so I just have to concentrate on my things. It does become apparrent though when I do that- its like Ive broken up with him on his end. But I tell him I need to concentrate on myself as im not well etc. But my theory in how I feel is that by really pursuing my goals and getting back into feeling good about myself - I can realise that I never needed him to do so in the first place and be able to stand on my own feet and have the courage to be able to eventually lovingly let him go.
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Originally Posted by grapevine View Post
I dont want to go out with a guy like him that is far way down the track of nuts that I didnt know people were that far down the track that werent locked up to be honest
Well, in the past, he may well have been locked up in a hospital/etc, but in my country at least & perhaps yours, the government has "done away" with such institutions, so they now live within the community, some with the help of assisted care.
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