SocialPhobiaWorld.com  
     

Home Today's Posts Register Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
 
Go Back   SocialPhobiaWorld.com > Off-Topic Forums > Personal Stories
 
Search this Thread
Old 1 Week Ago
theslowesthand's Avatar
Elite User
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by grapevine View Post
Tooth ache
Helps you to stop worrying about things, as the pain is all-encompassing!. There's nothing like a good ol toothache

Ps: Are you past the biting-into-hankerchief stage? Or at the stage where you think you'll attempt to pull it out? (THAT'S when it gets REALLY tough )
theslowesthand is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to theslowesthand For This Useful Post:
grapevine (1 Week Ago)
Old 1 Week Ago
grapevine's Avatar
Expert User
 

Hey guys, thanku for the kind concerns. Lol - funny that my tooth ache lasted one night and then went away haha. Im so grateful that it has. I think its a wisdom tooth growing thing which I dont need to be removed - ( had it looked at last year).
So all is good. I had some very acidic powder drink that I think went into the gums and an made it ache. But all is good.
grapevine is offline  
Old 1 Week Ago
grapevine's Avatar
Expert User
 

So OKAY..

Im Feeling better. For once- Im actually feeling so much beyond what I was. I feel like I can see above everything now. Hard to explain.

Having quite a few days away from Rugs and having to deal with my own coming to terms with facing my lost self-has helped me break through the fears of it I guess. Not that I have fears but that I have been so used to giving myself away again and again to him and to others that I just haven't had a chance to put myself first - to find myself- to be me at all.

Being at home and realising that I am above these things is an awesome feeling. I've fixed myself up nutritionally too- because I was deficient in quite a few things. I mean the way that I had been living for a year now- I can see was so stupid. What I had been doing was treating myself disrespectfully by giving myself away to someone who wasn't appreciating me doing that. Im still with him, but right now- Im in a state where I am seeing myself and a prodjection of myself and my identity and goals and my future now - how I used to see it before I went out with him. Its funny how just spending some days alone - what it can do. I fel more comfortable with dealing with my feelings of lonliness and feeling that now- than dealing with not getting my needs met and frustration within a relationship. Im realising that I cannot control- I just cant be bothered with it. If theres no appreciation, no interaction- then whats the point of crying and trying to fill that void? I end up treating myself badly to things that dont serve me - like trying to fill myself up because he hadnt. Feeling like you have no appreciation and lonely in a relationship and just other things. Its not worth reacting - other than stepping out of the situation or just taking that energy and putting it into something better- and that is what I am doing now. I am excited because Im in that feeling again of becoming back into my identity - new and evolved and changed but back into my passions and so on. Even though I may feel alone in them in this relationship - the more I put time into myself and my passions and loving myself- the more I can feel better about things in general and cope better with things and the future will be alot easier.

HOw many times - like tonight- have I decided to come over to his place and feel like Im not there. Its not worth it. So now I am feeling so much stronger within myself. I feel like I know my worth. I don't know- I guess I just woke up from the last few days and strengthened my identity. I feel like I am able to stand for respect for myself - positively that is. That I can be happy to be on my own and take feelings as they come and go. That I can try to take on that impermanence and unstick myself from things that are unhealthy. Go with the flow so to speak and just keep going with the positive beliefs amongst the feelings of the opposite.
Im feeling okay. At the moment - from a day feeling good- I have ended up at Rugs place tonight and came over to be with someone that is all consumed with his music and not able to interact with me. He had a rare night last night on drugs of ice with his friend from town- something that he doesnt do unless this guy comes down once a month or so. Rugs dad died last week - so Im not being the mother. And Im dont anymore- he know where I stand on that issue. Not that he is my future anyway. I have nothing to do with drugs and anything like that. Its foriegn thing to me- I dont even drink lol. But I do know that it makes a person very selfish and withdrawn and more than he is. Its not fair to me. Im starting to see through reflecion more and more that there are so many things calling in myself that are far from fair on my side of this relationship.
So tonight, when he goes out for a smoke. He is not going to have the pleasure of my company the rest of the night. I am going back home. I shouldnt have come in the first place but I did. But anyway, he needs to learn to respect me a bit more and that I dont hang out with people on drugs and that will not interact with me with elements of social rudeness all the time. Im not wasting my time and Im not going to be negative anymore. Im just not going to complain - Im just taking control of my life back. That is all. And I think anyone in a codependency- take time off for a few days to see what its like- go through the withdrawls and start to indulge in your passions and taking care of yourself - Ive been having a spa day for once and really treating myself well. ITs a far cry from treating myself like nothing to be with someone that doesnt appreciate it.
Before I was with him I had realised that I needed to learn how to value myself. To value yourself means to really care and respect yourself. It means to go that extra mile to physically care and mentally care- treat yourself like a queen and fall in love with yourself - not your ego - but just that feeling of nurture as though you were your own mother. That sort of thing.
grapevine is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to grapevine For This Useful Post:
BlueDays (1 Week Ago)
Old 1 Week Ago
theslowesthand's Avatar
Elite User
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by grapevine View Post
Before I was with him I had realised that I needed to learn how to value myself. To value yourself means to really care and respect yourself. It means to go that extra mile to physically care and mentally care- treat yourself like a queen and fall in love with yourself - not your ego - but just that feeling of nurture as though you were your own mother. That sort of thing.
I'm not the best at that sort of thing, but i suspect most guys aren't. Not sure if i'd ever treat myself like a queen - a king, maybe! (if i were gay, then i could treat myself like a queen! hehe).
I have a feeling that doing more self-care might lower general anxiety, as there'd be more of a feeling that the universe loves you & is on your side?


It's good to hear that things are starting to look up for you.
theslowesthand is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to theslowesthand For This Useful Post:
grapevine (4 Days Ago)
Old 4 Days Ago
grapevine's Avatar
Expert User
 

Yes- self-care is a discovery I wish I had found years and years ago. Unfortunately, my good streak has gone from a wave of feeling unappreciated and going out of my way for people once again. Not just rugs, but just about everyone. Its like I live their lives to be in them. With Rugs its like he can do what he wants. Yet Im the one leaving my life to be in his. Weve talked about this anyways. Its just its goes in a huge wave over me when like tonight, after many nights and times spending away from home- after so long of putting my own stuff on the shelf that when I actually am home I have to go through this whole emotional unwinding of who am I and I have my own place and my own independence and life etc.. and then I feel lonely and mad because of the amount of stuff I do for others like rugs - putting myself there and then Im not getting what ever I thought I wanted back.
grapevine is offline  
Old 4 Days Ago
grapevine's Avatar
Expert User
 

Its funny. I have a night at home again. I always have to push through these feelings in my last post each time.

It takes me of dry crying feeling so lost of my identity its not funny - being lost because ive spent all my time in other people's worlds than my own. With people that do not share my values and lifestyle.

Here I am running this story of mine again. But anyway.
When I was start of last year before* ---- I was well deep into the most of my identity I had been. I felt so authentic and true to myself more than I ever had in my life. And I was truely free at that time of any food addictions numbing any emotions. I was truely raw emotionally and phsyically and on all levels. I was working through it all. And I was finally independent.

Now though, Im in this relationship bounded by a fear of not sure if I want to still keep it at this point in my life or not. There are good things in it. But it doesnt seem to support my needs and my own values and lifestyle. Its feels dogmatic and draining. But I still value it.

At the same time Im upset from staying so far from who I am in order to be in this relationship and its not worth it.

So I keep realising these things. I keep on talking to him about how I feel I need to be in my own world and how we are so different and that I feel Ive lost myself. He is supportive and suggests to me to stay home and do my things.

But I end up craving some excitement and wanting to please and give- rather than be in my feelings on my own and work through them. And end up saying yes each time he asks me if Id like to come over again. I'm welcome anytime, but he wants me over- but its up to me. And I give in each time. End up with weeks gone by spending maybe 1 night at home. And its not about raunchy things - he aint that type- its about company as he has a fear of being alone in his garage at night. But I dont want to be in a codependency- so staying at my home away from him is more beneficial to me than going over there.

I got upset from realising tonight - from hearing some music i hadnt heard in awhile - and at home in my own bed and own environment- that I realised Id forgotten things about myself that were everything to me.
That made me 'ME'.

So now Im thinking, I need to work back to myself. And re-find me. With no constrictions from rugs. I feel like Ive given myself all away and that I have no piece to myself anymore and that its not a deep connection with him. That he is just not all there in terms of intellect and appreciation. He is very loyal and loving and more responsible with money to me and things like that since his dad had passed weeks ago. But the thing is Im not like him.
I detest his lifestyle and thinking and things he likes and I tell him we are so different etc..
He seems to think its okay. Then Im in between my mum and dad - knowing they dont think of him as someone worthy for me.
Its so stressful.

But anyway. I just dont even want to think about it. I want to forget all that and get away from people pleasing for a while and go back ontom y own journey.
I want to keep it quiet from rugs and others. Ive always done that anyway. Any changes I have ever made and stuck with have been quiet ones.

I want to be that person that was pushing her boundaries again. Im a very moralistic new age type person. I am passionate about the environment and politics and humanity and animal issues. Im extremely passionate about health. That is my life that topic. Im in love with it. My desire was to be the healthiest person people have know- and I was achieving that for quite some while- inspiring people to eat better and things they never knew about.
Even making some go vegan haha.

I went far. Then I put things aside to be in a relationship. And then it all got lost.

I mean, Id listen to music (Xavier Rudd and others) religiously - on my ipod, phone, in the car - I was never without it. The moral thinking and messages were a part of me then.

I was into politics deeply.

Now its like my mind has slowed right down. I hate that rugs is a simpleton really. Its horrible to say- but I had to explain to him what global warming was because he didn't know. So many basic things he does not know. And his conversations are immature and silly lol. I feel like my interlect has gone down from only really associating with him! And from stress etc.
I have had a brain fog and slow cognitive functioning for some time lately.

I feel like everything is a chore. And always in an anxious hurried state and always putting everyone first.

I lack to see the excitement in my own solo activities over being with rugs. I end up in disappointment each time and sacrificed myself really. Each time.

So anyway, I just want to go out without restrictions anymore and be who I am and was becoming. Respecting myself. that is the answer. I just can't keep pushing myself away and being lazy in dogma mode anymore. Its easy to just be in other's worlds in the short term over your own- but in the long term. Its killing yourself of your own authenticity and opportunities.

So I jsut want to spend less time in his environment and with him. Do my self care and listen to my music and start to plan and become the person I was getting to before - yet now even more evolved.

Im going to change myself to be authentic again- and even if it clashes with rugs I just dont care anymore.
grapevine is offline  
Old 1 Day Ago
grapevine's Avatar
Expert User
 

So Im home again. I seem to be in between wanting to stay there, feeling bad about saying no and missing out on my own things and my own home and family.
But anyway, since Rugs father past, he has been really good with caring. He is making sure now- because he has control over his money now and able to get it out when he needs to and not rely on his dad. He keeps giving me money lol. Paying me back, even small things- he wants to pay me back in high amounts. I think he just before- let his dad just control his money and not bother to do anything because his father was domineering maybe.
Anyways- he has been a bit flat on and off but alot better for me as he has been concerned for me more than before- he is able to see responsibilities now more than before.

But tonight, my issue is a bit of the old bdd slipping through the cracks again. Because ive put on weight and clothes have been getting tight and I am always battling to get my own time to myself to do self care and when I do its time limited. Im not feeling good about myself. Then I see photos of our walk the other day in the bushland and realise how much I dont like what I see etc. I get embarrassed. And so Im at this thing where I want to work on myself but end up always giving in to going to his place and not being on top of myself in self care and responsibility to make myself happy. trying to balance that and him - its difficult. But Im going to try and plan.
grapevine is offline  
Post Reply
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search


Similar Threads to Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I live life to live.. I don't enjoy it.. Shy_Gurl2007 Social Anxiety Forum 4 06-11-2017 07:31 AM
upndwns rants upndwn Personal Stories 0 11-07-2011 03:47 PM
True Life: 'I Live Another Life On The Web' _Brittany_ Social Anxiety Forum 5 10-23-2009 07:54 PM
True Life: I Live Another Life on the Web truelife Anxiety Forum 2 02-16-2008 04:07 PM
True Life: I Live Another Life on the Web Sacrament Off-Topic 0 02-01-2008 10:22 PM



Mobile Version
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.10
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.2.2
All times are GMT. The time now is 08:33 AM.