Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

grapevine said:

The thing is my anxiety makes me overdo it big time. I don't even stop for lunch or a break - I just nibble on the go kind a thing. And then, when I'm finished for the day and have to clean up after myself and then drive home - which is in the next town btw. I am so so exhausted like my body has completely rejected me

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Are you on medication for your anxiety?. If so, it doesn't seem to be working, eh?. Maybe you need another medication also - perhaps an antipsychotic to stop you getting over-obsessive about stuff? The antipsychotic i take prevents the bipolar-type symptoms of getting over-obsesed & over-doing sth for many hours on end with no breaks at all, & prevents the bad downers that i get after my high highs. And perhaps take it easy on the stimulates, as it means you don't want to have the breaks that you need in order to stay "healthy".

grapevine said:

That a-sexual, overweight, social

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Do you mean "That a-sexual, overweight, anti-social" :question:

I think your high chocolate/caffeine intake may be affecting your anxiety levels. :question:

Thanx Lowest : )

Oh I meant- 'A sexual' as in not sexual lol + plus over weight / anti social.
Nah, I'm not on any medication for anxiety and the obsessions I get. While it may work for some, I'm incredibly sensitive to medications like those and learnt my lesson in my early 20s to stay away from them. Just like the caffeine lol. Def need to stop that. Just one small dose of cocoa can put me up all night.

Since I wrote the last entry Ive downloaded meditations, audio books and songs onto my phone (which I hadnt bothered to do for some time) and yesterday used it all day and it calmed me alot more than I thought it would. Its what I used to use to kind of tune out and be mindful and not overwhelmed with my tasks at work. I also actually made myself sit and eat for once and for a whole half hour lol. See Id be like the energy bunny and just work work work and Id enjoy it and want to try and do as much as I could, always do my best, but I just cant do that anymore as much with my health so down with adrenal fatigue. I end up like a crumpled ant and bed ridden for a day or so in return.
Work used to be my thing that got me fit and now its more of a push myself over adversity thing instead.
I had a heart to heart with myself and realised that I really needed to get back to my old healthy habits which used to involve juicing large amounts of vegies and fruit every morning and even in the afternoon - as a tonic to bost my nutrition and enzymes in my body. And also my huge salads - which I still eat - but need to increase the greens more.

I realise I can either be stuck in the mud and be in anxiety and pushing my body and in pain and tiredness or I can make a change again, have some courage and get healthy and begin to manage and help my body out of feeling so bad.

grapevine said:

... my old healthy habits which used to involve juicing large amounts of vegies and fruit every morning and even in the afternoon - as a tonic to bost my nutrition and enzymes in my body

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I drink V8 juice (or similar) every day. But i still eat way too much chocolate, fizzy, sugary, etc foods (& trying to reduce my alcohol intake).

Its funny how what we eat can affect how we feel mentally. Everything is connected. I just know that because Ive had a wholefoods diet away from processed foods for some time and then once I re-introduce them (which is not hard lol) that they can create inflammation in my body and esp anything with wheat/glueton I must avoid and never eat because it brings on a full anxiety attack within a few hours of eating - full-on weird but it happens.

Fresh juice is the best - made by your juicer or fresh smoothies. The more greens you put in, the less cravings you get for the bad things.

I love my vegan chocolate lol

Im reading a book atm called 'Nutirent Power - heal your biochemistry and heal your brain' - its really an eye opener about molecular biology of the brain and goes into detail about what scientifically has been found to cause schizophrenia, autusim and bi-polar in people. And they think it can largely with autism be caused by a short window in gestation where the womb is very susceptible and sensitive to oxidation through chemicals in our diet and environment which can damage certain biological processes of the developing brain, thus causing issues well after birth with autism etc..

Very interesting.

Okay, Im getting better : )

Im feeling slighly in control of my life atm, well a swell of pushing myself in the right direction. I think its quite hard to get rid of you know who atm. He is in my face and in over my boundaries often. I basically just see him for how he is. Ill go over once in a blue moon and watch films with him. I feel sorry for him. He has basically eaten away his brain from drugs and still continues to every now and then. He is strikingly like a child. And of course now, it sends chills down my spine of what ever I got myself into with him, was a big waste off so many thing for myself. My mind and heart tell me loud and clear that he was never worth it, that wasted so much time, wasted my health, my sanity, my money - everything on him and his needs. I know in my heart and in my higher conscious that I cannot let him in my life like I ever did. I cant believe how childish and un-responsible he is in life. No nothing. Millions of times I try to help him. Try to get him into feeling happy about things, try to push him into getting the pension and things like that. Encourage him. But to no avail. He is an absolutely dead brained person and its really very sad. I dont say these things like a bad gesture, I am being literal.

I really learnt my lesson. And, I never thought there were people like him. That bad you know. I just have no respect for him. But have to tolerate him in my life because I do care but I do not take him on anymore. His problems are his own. And I leave myself detached. But in able to be a friend even, I have to not expect a thing. like yesterday, he had been so excited that I was actually going to come around for once. Got some new release films from the library to bring over. Im doing this a service to him, because I can see he basically wallows in boredom and laziness and will sleep alot of the day with loneliness and depression.
He cant do much, he has very low concentration levels, very low oxygen in his body too from smoking and drinking huge amounts of milk and then eating loads of sugary things.
I text him yesterday to say I wasnt going to come over. I wasnt feeling like going over there. Then I thought, Id get it over with and try to enjoy some company, and that ill push myself. So I went over there, knocked on his door and it took a while for him to answer. He had all his roller shutters closed and it was very dark. He had been sleeping in the day. So I turned the light on and opened the shutters. And he didnt like that. I told him I thought Id surprise him as I changed my mind. And instead of being happy, he just decided he would go back to bed and sleep some more. And I was left waiting, in a darkish room getting upset and angry for 45 minutes to an hour. I said should I go? And he tells me no. I said should I put on a film ? and he says idk. Says he is not really up to it. So I sit there in anger from complete rudeness and selfishness from him and also him acting like a child. He cannot tolerate one inch of uncomfortablenss from others. Bare in mind how many millions of times, like when I had been ill or in the middle of things - including getting ready for work- that he would just turn up at my place and Id have to drop what I was doing and force myself to entertain him and go for a walk with him etc. And yet, he cannot do that for others. Its like his brain is all about himself first. And Im beginning to think that even when I was in that horrid relationship with him, it was really about him having someone to feel good about himself and have somewhere to go that he liked (my place on acres) and all the perks that came with me.
Everything was about him and still is.

I see him as someone I do not respect and as a hollow of a man. Someone that like the otherr morning rings me up whilst im getting ready for work with no real reason why. I say yes...?? what did you ring me for? And he cant answer that. It goes silent. Then tells me he is cleaning his room for the day. Then thats it. I have to talk to him and make a one way conversation because he cant say anything more - he has nothing to tell me. And then its hangup time. This is right when Im half an hour ready to leave for work. And then, the morning before that, he turns up at my place when Im getting ready for work. He doesnt want to wait in the doctors waiting room for his sister (he drove her) so comes over to my place- knowing Im getting ready for work. I completely ignore him and do my thing. Then wave to him later and he leaves. But he comes over and does these stupidly immature videos for his youtube at my place and its so annoying. And he smokes here. Bare in mind, when we were going out- he wanted me to go out of my way each fortnight when he got his risperdal jab - to wait in the doctors waiting room for him. Which would be an hour. Yet, he cant do that for others.
I cant stand those things.

I still have social pressure from him too. Everyday I have to make time in the afternoon and we go for a walk. But when Im not working and hes not volounteering, he pressures me to want to come over and watch movies or go for walks somewhere. When I have to tell him no because I have my own goals and things I want to do and my space. Hes just so anxious all the time for company and to get out. And its like Im his answer. And I am reluctant to be that anymore.

He says one thing, does the complete opposite. Is not loyal to his goals on anything, cannot stick to anything. And if you give him stuff, it will still be in his car 6 months later.

anyways- yeah - hes very annoying. Esp when he wont leave me alone and rings up my home phone alot just to tell me hes going to bed or things like that. Rather than just text me if its that important to him.
And wants to follow me in my chores for something to do - which I tell him no. And then later when I am fully present with him and he has my attention - he will rudely ignore me - not intentionally but just because his mind is on other things.

So he is so annoying at this point. And im thinking of having to sit down and discuss my boundaries with him. In a friendly manner. But he needs to respect them.

Why do I still choose to say yes to someone out of obligation. A vampire that sucks all the life out of me and never ever gives back in any way? Like every. Just in his own head, all about him and what he can get out of me is how it feels.


I realise that mr rugs like to unknowingly, impede, interrupt rudely what ever Im doing- just turn up, or ring up etc - in a desperate way like he needs company now! Like he is on a high and when he just turns up. doesnt matter what Im up to. I just have to go and drop all that and make room for him. Even though he just basically ignores anything i talk to him about and is interested in just making pictures on his phone and getting away from his place. At this point, its like Im just over excerting myself for him - who doestn deserve it at all. Who cannot and will not give back in favours or anything. And when you end up having to hold his hand for him with things because he plonks his responsibilities onto you - everything in my life feels like Im the one making everyone happy. Except making myself happy.
I just at this time of the month can get so worked up about his rudeness. I feel so irresponsible to of let this person whom I know is disabled mentally quite severely to enter into my boundaries and make me feel like a slave to his ups and downs. And when you do something or alot of things for someone, you expect later on at least a message to say thanks. One minute hes desperate to get my attention and pull me out of my own things in my life and the minute Im present with him and paying attention - he goes away and wastes my time. And I realise that I feel so cheated when ever Im around him - its an everyday thing- that I feel at a loss of getting any needs met as a friend and of course in the mind - I feel like Ill never get those needs met by anyone and that I have to rely on myself and of course that makes me really depressed and I start to scramble for ways to make me feel my needs are being met and it usually has something to do with junkfood or spending on things I dont need. Im so tired of feeling un-special and walked over because I have let people like him do that to me.


And then there is mum and dad. Dad is independent, goes out to lawn bowls all the time, is never home and mum cant drive and we live out from the town - 7km - with hills - something that my 70 yo mother cant do. So its all left to me. Take her here and there and go to her appointments with her- everything. And I feel like the second person all the time. How I used to.
Its like now Im not over rugs, mum has taken the opportunity. Theres not a day were I cant just not go anywhere and not use my car and just be on my own with no responsibilities for the entire day- to have rest and in solitude. Something I crave alot.

Ive had to really push my independence so many times before. Its alot of energy that I sometimes just get frustrated and sensitive to be able to conjure up.

Despite feeling these ways, I also feel like Im getting in and out of a low point. Acknowledging all the things I need to really do in order to move in the direction I want to go where I have that independence and where I feel confident to push my boundaries later on and find opportunities etc.

I realise Ive got a lot of work to do and I also feel confident in myself of obtaining a good space.

I hope you come back to this thread a couple of years from now and realize just how many times you complained about Russ.

hahaha
The sad thing is I already do see it. Its kinda the one outlet. I just let go and rip in. Indulge in it and then get on with things I guess.

But yeah, I do it so much. Its terrible. And I feel bad about it, for him and guilty for me to indulge in it. But Im human and Im female and I have issues with boundaries and anxiety and history of severe social phobia/agoraphobia. I feel like I demand basic expectations onto this guy but I dont get it back and so it feels kinda cheating. Slowing moving my expectations away. But this guy cannot respect boundaries and things like that, so its hard. I recognise that even in friends - all we do is go for walks every afternoon just about and then on a Saturday every now and then I go over and bring a film with me to watch. And that is okay. But its the fault I have with expectations on him. I know from wiring this now, that I unfairly place all my friendship expectations onto him because Im not seeking any other social contacts at this point (I haven't felt well enough). I know fully well what he is like and I know he has issues with communication and other things. And I know his lifestyle is a bit of a threat to my own health etc. I know I play the victim. Its my choice to still be friends with him. Its my choice that if I want better boundaries than I have to really let him know. And not play victim.

Its just every time, I'm an optimist that Ill have a good time and it will turn out that his communication issues and enthusiasm and initiative issues rudely cut into that optimism I get. And I acknowledge that hes like those things- and over-ride them by making up for his lack of- and its alot of energy. But it lights him up and I can feel good. But I know that I wont get those friend expectations and needs meet 80-90 percent of the time and that is where it gets depressing for me. As Im putting all my friend expectations onto him that he cant fulfil. And you know, all that energy can feel like your going out of your way for him and he cannot give back in that. And then knowing that your needs dont get met friends-wise , you feel like what the point of hanging out with him and stuff. You end up dis-respecting him and ignoring him. But he still comes over and you still go for walks and then he makes you feel excitied that well have a good time and watch some films and then hell let you down by things like saying he doesnt want to watch films - even after you waited for weeks to get one from the library etc. That sort of thing- or hell not be interested in you at all and cayy on with his own things whilst your there and leave you just siting there. At the same time come over your place un-announced when your busy etc. Thats why I just need an outlet.

I do care for him- I know he hasnt much in his life and I can slightly understand his mentality with things.

I make a big deal out of things because its the way Ive allowed my mind to work. Sometimes people just push your buttons and invade your space and dont give back or cant give back.

I just think, that I will have less to rant about on heree about him once I get healthy enough to approach other social outlets and find other friends - ones that can tick a few needs/expectations. I think it will be a pleasure having times with rugs then, because I will drop those expectations and will have moved on.

Hope your life will be going upwards soon!

Aim high!
Effort brings reward!

Very optimistic there, theslowesthand!

jinxed said:

Very optimistic there, theslowesthand!

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Yeah, that's not like me! What's gotten into me? hehe

(those 2 phrases are the motto's of my primary & secondary schools)

Motivation can be euphoric sometimes but its the persistence of it thats hard. Well for me anyways.

Im in a weird time in my life at the moment. Gradually pushing my independence and boundaries a bit more. It can be hard a bit though because I battle with being there for mum and driving her everywhere and also battling my own fatigue too.

I do look back on the last few years and do think - (which cant remember who said it on here) but I do see it as very weird times.
It was a co-dependency. Most relationships are anyways. Im happy I can be honest with myself and say that I needed to be with him in order to tell myself I was worthy and female and all of that stuff. That I was different to the person I once was and I was accepted and men liked me etc.

Because I had felt the opposite for such a long drawn out time. And missed out on so much because I believed the last man 10 years ago who said bad words to me and raped me and all of that. It took so long to get out of that frozen state in my body and mind about me and men and being worthy.

So rugs wasnt totally a bad experience, but a hug eye opener and I feel happened for a reason. And hes still in my life and I learn each time that its me that I have to be dependent on and make my own self happy and have self love and have my own security.

Im actually finding some motivation in there because of the lack from him and his sister in many areas of their lives. It makes me want to be a silent achiever and inspire them to be their best selves and self dependent in even small parts of their lives too. I mean, not that thats the main motivation - but it really pushes me. In most of my achievements - theyve been about shocking people and being the different one. I get my socks off doing that. And Ive had the experience of people eating healthy around me and changing their diets and so on too. Alot of people. Esp when I shocked them with healthy weighloss and seeing my energy levels. Well back then.

I have to be careful though because I did change myself for rugs to notice me back then. That was my sole reason. I felt a little bit of those feelings then and it turned me into a teenager again (but the parts I missed).
I realise though, its the journey that I took to better myself and feel confident in myself that was the good bit. At the end of the day it didnt really have much to do about him, but more that I was able to push myself out of the self esteem dispair I was in at the time. So, if the motivation for doing something is something unhealthy, but if the outcome is a giant benefit to you, then perhaps it really is worth it. You just need to realise and re-adjust intentions.

At the moment though Ive been living in fear quite a bit. I have been engaging in things I used to do years ago- binging on junk food and feeling bad about myself, thinking my indentity as horrible and wanting to desperately change.

Ive put on quite a bit of weight and I cant seem to get the desire of wanting to stuff myself away from my habits. It used to be something I didnt even want. And I know its because Im just confused with where I am right now.

And because Im fearful that because Ive put on weight and because rugs is not my bf that Im heading back to the person I used to be. And I dont want to. Thing is because I fear it all the time, Im concentrating on it and heading there. Ive done that before.
Its like a shock to the system of feeling uncomfortable in your body and disgusting kind of thing. Feeling very unnattractive and boring etc.

I take my mind back and think about rugs and things he sid about how I looked in comparoson to other girls he had dated and how I wasnt as good as them and things like that. Which is the silliest thing to do I know, but I just go back to how I wanted to impress and at my best never really could and feel like I got used just because of loneliness within both parties. And I feel low on myself.

grapevine said:

Im in a weird time in my life at the moment. Gradually pushing my independence and boundaries a bit more. It can be hard a bit though because I battle with being there for mum and driving her everywhere and also battling my own fatigue too.

I do look back on the last few years and do think - (which cant remember who said it on here) but I do see it as very weird times.
It was a co-dependency. Most relationships are anyways. Im happy I can be honest with myself and say that I needed to be with him in order to tell myself I was worthy and female and all of that stuff. That I was different to the person I once was and I was accepted and men liked me etc.

Because I had felt the opposite for such a long drawn out time. And missed out on so much because I believed the last man 10 years ago who said bad words to me and raped me and all of that. It took so long to get out of that frozen state in my body and mind about me and men and being worthy.

So rugs wasnt totally a bad experience, but a hug eye opener and I feel happened for a reason. And hes still in my life and I learn each time that its me that I have to be dependent on and make my own self happy and have self love and have my own security.

Im actually finding some motivation in there because of the lack from him and his sister in many areas of their lives. It makes me want to be a silent achiever and inspire them to be their best selves and self dependent in even small parts of their lives too. I mean, not that thats the main motivation - but it really pushes me. In most of my achievements - theyve been about shocking people and being the different one. I get my socks off doing that. And Ive had the experience of people eating healthy around me and changing their diets and so on too. Alot of people. Esp when I shocked them with healthy weighloss and seeing my energy levels. Well back then.

I have to be careful though because I did change myself for rugs to notice me back then. That was my sole reason. I felt a little bit of those feelings then and it turned me into a teenager again (but the parts I missed).
I realise though, its the journey that I took to better myself and feel confident in myself that was the good bit. At the end of the day it didnt really have much to do about him, but more that I was able to push myself out of the self esteem dispair I was in at the time. So, if the motivation for doing something is something unhealthy, but if the outcome is a giant benefit to you, then perhaps it really is worth it. You just need to realise and re-adjust intentions.

At the moment though Ive been living in fear quite a bit. I have been engaging in things I used to do years ago- binging on junk food and feeling bad about myself, thinking my indentity as horrible and wanting to desperately change.

Ive put on quite a bit of weight and I cant seem to get the desire of wanting to stuff myself away from my habits. It used to be something I didnt even want. And I know its because Im just confused with where I am right now.

And because Im fearful that because Ive put on weight and because rugs is not my bf that Im heading back to the person I used to be. And I dont want to. Thing is because I fear it all the time, Im concentrating on it and heading there. Ive done that before.
Its like a shock to the system of feeling uncomfortable in your body and disgusting kind of thing. Feeling very unnattractive and boring etc.

I take my mind back and think about rugs and things he sid about how I looked in comparoson to other girls he had dated and how I wasnt as good as them and things like that. Which is the silliest thing to do I know, but I just go back to how I wanted to impress and at my best never really could and feel like I got used just because of loneliness within both parties. And I feel low on myself.

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You can go to exercise programs for your weight or buy a dvd at home to manage your weight. exercise should help you to feel good after you do it. You know that once you've done it you've achieved something and you're not just not circulated in your body and it results in weight loss and good health, good luck! Also if you like to eat junk food i like to at times and it tastes good there you can go to the health food store to get it, it's better than all the artificial flavors and colours ones and hydrogenated oils. Everytime you go to the health food store you still have to look at the ingredients and have the knowledge unfortunately as not everything there is completely organic or for good health, it's just better than what you get in other stores

jinxed said:

You can go to exercise programs for your weight or buy a dvd at home to manage your weight. exercise should help you to feel good after you do it. You know that once you've done it you've achieved something and you're not just not circulated in your body and it results in weight loss and good health, good luck! Also if you like to eat junk food i like to at times and it tastes good there you can go to the health food store to get it, it's better than all the artificial flavors and colours ones and hydrogenated oils. Everytime you go to the health food store you still have to look at the ingredients and have the knowledge unfortunately as not everything there is completely organic or for good health, it's just better than what you get in other stores

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Thanks : )

Im basically a health nut. Just since this whole rugs fiasco and breaking up and realising my needs werent being met, I have resorted to getting some excitment and numbing my feelings with health junk food and now even actual junk food.
I do walking for fitness. And I used to use my cross trainer alot.

Everyone tells me I look okay. That im not overweight and I just look healthy and just right for me. But Ive put on quite a bit as all my clothes dont fit anymore and I feel out of control with my food choices atm.

I used to have my care-free diet with eating what I liked but whole-foods and I stayed in that for 2 years or more. And was even 80-90 percent raw for most of the time and I loved it and felt amazing. When I wanted junkfood - there wasnt really anything unhealthy that I could eat - but there were raw versions of everything - raw cakes etc and I jsut went with that. And it was amazing. I felt in control and just didnt need to worry about food and my weight anymore.
And I also felt alive in my mind and body too - I felt really really energised and like I was 16 again (im 35).

But once I started being in rugs world, certain compromises in food started to happen and thats the thing- I started to eat alot of packet foods. Id always eat health packet foods but now, Ive gone to not caring as much of my health- and eating actual junk foods. When I eat them, they change my tastes and desires and become addictive behaviours that occur nearly everyday now. And then I feel out of control and my skin goes grey-like and puffy and I feel low in energy and my mind negative to some degree. I loose the vitality I had and feel stuck once again in the the cycle of processed food addiction.

I used to be 80-90 kg at 2 stages of my life. I would live to eat certain foods basically as a way of escaping the tragedies of my life in those times. I unconsciously ate junk.

But I have gone through huge shifts since those times. But its just a worry when you act almost in similar behaviours that your going to end up back like that. Its a fear.

I guess my thing was that I wanted to impress rugs back when I did loose weight again in my life and became raw. I wanted to be the best version of me and I wanted to look amazing and glowing with health. And I felt like I did, esp internally lol. And yet, now that what happened with him- I feel like whats the point, if I wasnt that girl that dropped his sox, like the one he used to talk about- the one I wanted to be to him. Then the reason I did that- fell through really and I feel deterred by that. What ever I do, he still sees me as how ever he sees me- past the end of his nose - because he is in his own world where cant see much beyond himself. And he isnt even relevant now haha.
I jsut have a hard time trying to find a cause to looking after my health again.
Its really silly really. I like to have an egotistic reason really to push me off into the right direction.

grapevine said:

I take my mind back and think about rugs and things he sid about how I looked in comparoson to other girls he had dated and ...

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My "issues" must be worse than rugs' as he's had girlfriends, but i've never even been on a date, and i'm older than him as well. :question:
I've got complex issues, which seem to prevent myself from having any relations whatsoever with women. :sad:

theslowesthand said:

My "issues" must be worse than rugs' as he's had girlfriends, but i've never even been on a date, and i'm older than him as well. :question:
I've got complex issues, which seem to prevent myself from having any relations whatsoever with women. :sad:

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Im 35. Only had an encounter with a guy when I was 24. Then, it was rugs when I was 33. But he is really the only person Ive been out with as an adult that I can say was actually my partner.

I can say the same thing. So your not alone in that. But if you really want to something like that, to experience and try something - its that you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone and at the same time not play low self esteem patterns with yourself. Well, that is what Ive found. I mean, even though it was kinda a disaster, I learnt alot about myself and men. And I never, ever, ever would approach men at all in my life. It was a chance thing that I happened to be working with him and he became quite friendly and had a good sense of humour, so I felt non-threatened and started to actually work on myself.

Having said this, Rugs has really only had relationships when he was in later highschool and his early 20s. And not for too long. The longest and adult relationship he has had is with me. And I can say with alost certainty that it would be a rare thing for him to find someone for him in the future as most women wouldnt stick around for long with his crazy antics. They would try to change him and be more ferocious than I probably lol. Id like to see that.

I would say that you put yourself down because you havent been with a woman. But that makes you unique and means that you would not take a woman for granted and women would like that. Its not a weakness. It just means you are sensitive and probably more understanding of life's complex issues. : )

Okay, trying my best this last few days to put a push on my happiness. I know I feel amazing and in my element when I am taking really good care of myself by indulging in self-care.

I left work at 3 today. Rather than at the usually 4:30 - 5:00. I mean Im only paid for 4 hours and not 6 -7 - I always run myself into the ground and the minute I looked at my promised check that would have my back-pay they owed me in it and found it was only a 3rd - I just had to leave. It has been a month in waiting for that as the month before -3 checks had bounced from them and also one had lowered by 20 percent because they thought I had agreed to part time pay rather than casual. Considering I only work 2 times a week it was stupid, and the lady who does the checks told me to come see her once Id made up my mind and I was too busy at work to actually see her each time. She never made any attempts to contact me and just went ahead and changed my pay to part time without telling me. I only found out once my check was in and 20percent taken away. And her excuse was that she thought I had said yes to the change? And because of her mistake, they havent even changed that pay change back to 20 percent more for that particular check.
That made me frustrated. But then, after that, having 3 weeks pay bounced (including the 20 percent less one) and then having to wait a month or more just to even get that back.

My boss told me I would get my backpay by today last week. So I was awaiting $570 (which really should be $600), plus my pay from today which was $200. So I was awaiting $770 today and then only got $400. That really sucked. Its like I go way, way out of my way for my work in so many ways because they are negligent everywhere, and then its like this long drawn out painstaking wait to see my money returns for the hard work I do. It feels dis-respectful because they don't communicate with me on things like that much if at all - unless I actually go and force myself to do so. And its quite hard for me to do that. I wish they could tell me how they were going and when they were going to give me my back pay. Hopefully the rest comes next week. Fingers crossed.

Anyways, Ive decided that unless I am enjoying myself and want to stay at work longer- that every Friday I will leave at 3:00. Theres no point in ruining myself - in really exausting myself to point of beyond breaking point just to get things done and then drive all the way home and then end up bedridden the next day and then recovering the day after that. Ive very much run myself into the ground for them. Trying to get alot of things done and order from chaos- that sort of thing and my positive energy from anxiety hurling me all the way that I wont even take a break.

Ive decided that they give me very little amount for me to render to their oblivious managment and I already basically do what I want but as my own boss - but I do the right thing and take initiative each time. Even though Im the best worker there and can do things in a flash of time and make order and do heavy labor and multi-task and so on- Im still replacable and like I sai I get little pay to work the hours I do. I only need those 4 hours to get it but I over work to finish all the time.

I need to take my head out of work - even though it can be good for me, too much can be bad for me too. I end up going too far out of my way - like I had done with rugs and completely burning myself out. Something Ive been doing each and every week. That I basically cant even walk. I mean, I know how alot of people are like that- but they do it for pay to make an ends meet usually and Im kind of not getting as much out of work as what I used to. Also the people there, are not my 'type' of people either.

This afternoon I took my mum to this vegan buffet dinner that Id been wanting to go to for ages. She went with her friend to check it out for me. I took her there and had a little look and just felt a bit of happiness that there are people like me around. I mean, I know there are alot of vegans and raw vegans in my town now - I just have not been up for the task of getting out there as I havent felt my best in ages and I need to in order to push myself with the courage to do those things.
Funny enough some old guy as I was parked talked to me with a thumbs up as my vegan sticker on my car he liked lol.
I even found a new health shop today too and a conversation to the owner about raw cakes lol.

So knocking off work early, and eating healthy this afternoon and tonight has made a difference. For once, Im not dragging my feet in the ground and not exhausted completely on a Friday night. It means I can do things tomorrow without feeling like everything is a physical huge effort.

Whats got me in a good mood though is believing in myself that Im heading back to the healhty state I was in before rugs. I know what to do and I just have started to act on thigns today and just that little step means alot. It makes me happy.

When I was slim and fit and felt so energetic and clean-minded - when I was 80-90 percent raw - when I got cravings I would go to the shops and get raw vegan cakes. I don't know when I stopped doing that, but I ended up for some reason, down the line having so called 'health' potato chips and then real potato chips recently in the space of a year. That was all the stress from being with rugs and feeling like I was being tortured into the funny farm. And those things can become a roundabout habit and addictive even. So im going back to unbelievable decadent raw cakes again, I dont even know why I stopped? I just kinda forgot taken care of myself in indulgence I guess.

But Im starting bein intuitive again like I used to. Listening and answering what my body really craves, what tastes and flavours it wants in whole foods and the most nutritious foods I have to make my craving satisfied. Thats how I would eat and I just always felt satisfied and never over-weight or having problems with addiction - cause I didnt eat those processed foods. I dont want to be this lowered version of my ideal best self you know. I want to be vibrant and happy again and have my authentic identity back from doing the things that I feel is who I am.

So Im going back to my healthy ways, and mainly the 'active' change is that Ive notice my middle spreading out and looking all chubby when I not too long ago was slim/skinny and had lean muscle. Its like, Ive resorted to that now? And also, all the people at my work all have things wrong with their health and Im like - I feel like its my job to be the healthiest I can be -be the healthiest person people know lol - that used to be my moto and it was my religion - a happy one. Through showing by quiet example I inspire people to make small changes in their health and its something I once didnt think much of and laughed about it - but its actually a really good motivation more than I think. I mean the people at my work are having heart attacks and cancer. Theres been 2 people who had heart attacks - and one of them died and she was only just 50. Then there are 2 with cancer and one of them has breast cancer and in chemo with no hair atm. Then there is obesity with most of them and then all those aches and pains and high blood pressure and diabetes and all those things.

My passion has been all the time about health. Ive never not been interested in it as its all I read. Esp nutrition and diet and self-development. Most of those illnesses that my work has are preventable and managable just from diet alone.

I mean, why take high blood pressure tablets if you could completely change your diet to a low fat and low salt diet and manage your stress.
Gosh, if people only realised what jucing could do for you and staying hydrated through diet and drinking water and juices. That eating the rainbow in high raw meals could do and making easily digestable foods made mainly from wholefoods and vegetables.

I just want to be that best authentic person I once was. I want to feel romantic with myself bcause Im passionate about who I am and living through the identiy that sits with me I guess. And I found it back before rugs and I feel confident I can just go back and do similar and same things with my knowledge and start on the right path I was starting on then.

Well thats made my day : )

Xaver Rudd has a new song out and a new albulm I was completely un-aware of coming out very soon.

And to top it off its called 'Storm Boy' which is basically an old film that was made right around my home town in the late 70s and recently re-made this winter in the same place to be released soon. Its about a boy who lives on the river and the sand dunes with his fisherman father and befriends an aborignal guy and saves a pelican who is his pet that ends up saving fisherman's lives by flying and hadning them rope out at sea. Well, its a bit more complicated than that - but its been a movie Ive grown up with. Mr Percival the penguin : )

So Xavier Rudd's new album is named Storm Boy. Im sure its to do with the movie a tiny bit : )