Och aye the noo

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Craig Ferguson Speaks From The Heart

Craig Ferguson - The Rehab Monologue

^ Not many comedians can be insightful and hilariously funny at the same... Probably the main reason ah love Craig Ferguson. He's done well fur himsel' - no' bad fur somebuddy frae Cumbernauld.

And here's a few mair Craig Ferguson videos
Craig Ferguson - The Power Outage Monologue - YouTube

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAHSUTB5BJc

Dinnae worry,l ah'll git back tae tell ye some mildly amusin' true stories soon, jist huvin' a wee break the noo. Plus, ah dinnae really like tae blow ma ain trumpet, y'know thinkin' ah'm funnier than ah actually am. Only kiddin'... ah don't even own a trumpet. :bigsmile:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Gan oot the night, ah cannae be arsed, like. But got tae git oot the hoose once in a while. No' exactly feelin' aw there, mentally, at the moment. Ah know, ah'm a few slices short o' a loaf... That joke'll huv oor yer heids, ah'm guessin', no? :idontknow: Too smart fur ma ain guid, that's me. Anyway, ah tryin' n' huv a guid time - but ah've got a feelin' this night oot is gonnae be shite. Wait n' see, ah suppose...
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Y'know how ah dae aw the attention tae detail in ma stories and post on here, aye? Of course, ye dae. Anyway, ah think ah've figure oot where ah git that frae... Ma muther. And tae prove that here's a geniuely true, verbatim quote of summit she said recently that made giggle wi' laughter: "Ah've got an awfy thundery heidache - jist above ma eyes" :bigsmile:

Nae idea why, but the added detail seems tae make that line funnier.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Cannae bet a Friday night oot in Glesga... Or a Friday night oot in Scotland in general! Oh, aye - ye see and hear the funniest things. Drunken singin', fights, people crossin' the road via the most diagonal method possible. :bigsmile:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
YES! Can I add you to my collection of crazy Scots?

Aye, sure. Add tae collection, darlin'. Ah'm oot the box, though. Pfft... Aw, forget it. :sarcastic:

Typing the accent is awesome

Ah know, ah cannae stop masel' frae daein' it noo. But then English huz always bin ma 2nd language. Though, sometimes ah feel like a stick oot on here like Nazi in a Pope uniform... :eek: What, too far?

Thankfully, though, you - being Irish, yer mair likely tae understaun maist uh whit ah sayin'. Celtic Connection an' aw that.

and you seem awesome!

Aww, jings! Another compliment. ::eek:: Usually ah'm quite modest aboot bein' called anything like that. Coz ah dinnae really think ah'm aw that - cool, funny or awesome. Wait, whit da f**k um ah talkin' aboot, ah'm Scottish! Cool, funny and awesome sum the Scottish accent.

Anyway, enough uh me haverin' on in dialect few, beyond Ireland and Newcastle, cun understaun. Ah'm gonnae make like a tree and f**k off!

TTFN (Ta Ta fur now) :greeting:
 
Aye, sure. Add tae collection, darlin'. Ah'm oot the box, though. Pfft... Aw, forget it. :sarcastic:



Ah know, ah cannae stop masel' frae daein' it noo. But then English huz always bin ma 2nd language. Though, sometimes ah feel like a stick oot on here like Nazi in a Pope uniform... :eek: What, too far?

Thankfully, though, you - being Irish, yer mair likely tae understaun maist uh whit ah sayin'. Celtic Connection an' aw that.



Aww, jings! Another compliment. ::eek:: Usually ah'm quite modest aboot bein' called anything like that. Coz ah dinnae really think ah'm aw that - cool, funny or awesome. Wait, whit da f**k um ah talkin' aboot, ah'm Scottish! Cool, funny and awesome sum the Scottish accent.

Anyway, enough uh me haverin' on in dialect few, beyond Ireland and Newcastle, cun understaun. Ah'm gonnae make like a tree and f**k off!

TTFN (Ta Ta fur now) :greeting:

Ah shite... I forget how to multi-quote!

Oh trust me, i struggled for a while to understand scottish typing but I've two friends who have gotten me used to it. I still have no idea what the title of this thread means though!
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Ah shite... I forget how to multi-quote!

It's nae bother... Dinnae worry aboot it. The multi-quote function is that +" button next tae the one that says "Quote". But if ye want tae divided up a quote ye need tae put the quote brackets at the beginning and end. :thumbup:

Oh trust me, i struggled for a while to understand scottish typing but I've two friends who have gotten me used to it.

Aye, it took me a wee while tae git use tae it - writin' ma ain Scotch accent - withoot thinkin' "Ah sound like a right eejit" :eek:h: :bigsmile:

I still have no idea what the title of this thread means though!

Eh, right, if you'll alway me tae quote masel' here - bad idea, ah know. Naw, just because ah recently explained the meanin' uh the title tae a couple uh other users on here

"Och aye" means "Oh, yes". And "the noo" mean "just now". Some Scots do say it, but when they do, it usually means "Awright". Either that, or they're takin' the piss oot uh how Scots are perceived stereotypically

Basically "Och aye" and "the noo" are 2 seperate Scottish expression, rarely used together. An example of latter expression would if someone asked you if ye wanted something to eat and ye weren't hungry, ye would think aboot it, then say: "Eh, no' the noo" (Eh, not just now).
 

EmbraceIt

New member
you can write up a storm, Graeme. I just joined, been reading through all the posts, and you can WRITE. Get pubLASHED ya wee SCORT-TESH BASTAD! ;-)
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
you can write up a storm, Graeme. I just joined, been reading through all the posts, and you can WRITE.

So ye jist joined here, you've been readin' ma posts? Aye, guid luck wi' that... Ma posts 're a bit like showin' a labrador a card trick.

Oh and welcome tae the forum, by-the-way. Hullo. :greeting: Right, whit wuz ah talkin' aboot...? Oh, aye... Ah did think aboot gittin' published when ah wuz aboot 10 years old, but kinda realised ah didnae find ma voice as writer. Still don't think ah've found it noo, tae be honest.

Get pubLASHED ya wee SCORT-TESH BASTAD! ;-)

Good 'un, pal. :bigsmile: But ah think you'll find the Scottish pronouncation is bas-turd! And lashed? In Scotland that whit heppens when ye huv a night oot on brew*

* Translation: Go and get drunk.

Seriously, bro, you're talented

Thanks fur the compliment, but ah'm no' aw that, really. Mibbe that's the self-doubt talkin', but ah dinnae huv the confidence tae back up the talented. Ah'm jist ordinary, nuthin' special...

Ah mean, folk tell that aw the time, that ah'm talented an' funny - but ah dinnae see it, masel'. If ye want unintentionally funny, then, aye, ah'm funny.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Right, eh, whit should ah talk aboot? Masel'? Naw, naw, that's no' me ataw. Ah dinnae like feelin' as though, ah'm aw self-absorbed. Ah dinnae even like bein' the centre o' attention maist uh the time, tae be honest.

Ah'm the kinda buddy who prefers tae be unassuming, quite introverted in ma nature. Ironically, ah've started talkin' aboot masel' - huvn't ah? :giggle: Aw, well, ah'll tell youse a few wee stories fae ma high school days - which were hellish. Ma school days, ah mean, overall. But there were some hilariously funny moments anaw... Usually at ma expense, but ah laugh a laugh, innit? :)

So here what ma old high school use tae look like:
Lockerbie_Academy_-_geograph.org.uk_-_498866.jpg


^ Ah Lockerbie Academy - Shitehole! Ma teacher would probably disagree wi' me on that yin... But ah couldnae give a f**k.

And when ah say "use to", ah mean it doesnae like that anymair. It's a big pile uh rubble noo. Coz it got knock doon and the local council built a new yin. Don't know what stories tae tell ye coz there's that many...

Plus that bring back memories o' the time when ah actually tried tae stop somebuddy being bullied. Basically it end wi' me tryin' tae console a really upset girl who wuz in the same year as me...

Right, ah start frae the beginning, since that'd make mair sense. :bigsmile: So, ah would've been 14 at the time, in 2nd year. It's the last class uh the week - always hud Foreign language class last thing on Friday? Yin class took French (that wuz the class ah wuz in), the other class took German.

Ah know foreign language seems like a contradict in terms in Scotland.

Anyway, that class finish we aw rush oot the door, friends yappin away, me makin' small talk wi' a few lassies - girls always liked me, nae idea why. Even the bigger lassies - nuthin' against 'em. There wuz this girl, Honor - she wuz in a few of ma classes. Nice lassie, she wuz really good friend wi' this other girl, Kaylie - who got picked on quite frequently. Because she was a bit bigger than the other girls her age - not overweight, by any means. She hud a chubby face and upturned nose. Ah didnae see either of those as negative coz she actually hud a cute smile. And ah kinda fancy her...

So, anyway, me, Honor and Kaylie start headin' fur the 2nd stairwell, where the elevator was. As side from me there were 2 other physically disabled students. But it wuz oot uh order that day so ah hud use the stair tae gan frae ma registation class - that wuz where ye would clock in jist efter 5 minute past 9 greeted yer classmate and teacher wi' the informal "Awright, everybuddy", say "Here, miss" - or "sir", if yer teacher wuz a bloke - then fukt off. Though the class clown usually made quite the charismatic "Ta-da!" entrance - and French classes, ma IT class which wuz on the third floor.

Thankfully French and registration classes were on first flair - so jist yin flight uh stairs. IT class - that wuz basturd! Especially when the lift wuz'nae workin'. Ye were knackered by the time ye walked the class - aw them stairs...
 

jimmy75

Well-known member
Nice journal, Graeme1988. I don't know why, but I always read out your posts in Frankie Boyle's voice.
 
Aye, sure. Add tae collection, darlin'. Ah'm oot the box, though. Pfft... Aw, forget it.



Ah know, ah cannae stop masel' frae daein' it noo. But then English huz always bin ma 2nd language. Though, sometimes ah feel like a stick oot on here like Nazi in a Pope uniform... What, too far?

Thankfully, though, you - being Irish, yer mair likely tae understaun maist uh whit ah sayin'. Celtic Connection an' aw that.



Aww, jings! Another compliment. Usually ah'm quite modest aboot bein' called anything like that. Coz ah dinnae really think ah'm aw that - cool, funny or awesome. Wait, whit da f**k um ah talkin' aboot, ah'm Scottish! Cool, funny and awesome sum the Scottish accent.

Anyway, enough uh me haverin' on in dialect few, beyond Ireland and Newcastle, cun understaun. Ah'm gonnae make like a tree and f**k off!

TTFN (Ta Ta fur now)

It's nae bother... Dinnae worry aboot it. The multi-quote function is that +" button next tae the one that says "Quote". But if ye want tae divided up a quote ye need tae put the quote brackets at the beginning and end. :thumbup:



Aye, it took me a wee while tae git use tae it - writin' ma ain Scotch accent - withoot thinkin' "Ah sound like a right eejit"



Eh, right, if you'll alway me tae quote masel' here - bad idea, ah know. Naw, just because ah recently explained the meanin' uh the title tae a couple uh other users on here
Yeah... I'd have never understood that without your explanation! :p
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Nice journal, Graeme1988. I don't know why, but I always read out your posts in Frankie Boyle's voice.

Well... That makes a change frae the usual tendious, borin' Sean Connery comparison.

Ah! Frankie Boyle, the Scottish comedy equivalent of The Proclaimers. :bigsmile: That's actually reference tae yin uh the jokes from Frankie's first UK stand-up tour. Ah wuz actually in the audience fur the recording of his last stand-up DVD, which he filmed at the King's Theatre in Glasgow. Frankie actually walk off stage halfway throught the recordin', tae git some hecklers in balcony seats flung oot. Coz some c*nts kept hecklin' inbetween jokes, Of course, before gittin' flung oot there were some pretty brutal putdowns - mostly frae audience members. :giggle:

But since ye mentioned that ginger c**t: Frankie Boyle's most legendary joke

^ No' sure what's actually funnier aboot that clip - Frankie's joke or Dara O'Briain's equally hilarious reaction. :bigsmile:

Yeah... I'd have never understood that without your explanation! :p

Nae problem darlin'. ;)
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Anway, where wuz ah? Oh, aye, ah wuz in the middle uh tell youse a story frae ma high school days, wasn't ah?​

So, continuin' frae where ah left off if ye were follow that last post? Y'know the yin wi' the picture o' ma school, aye, that yin...
So, anyway...Elmarie is jist shoutin' abuse at Kaylie - chantin' "Who ate aw the pies!" as we're walkin' doon the hallway tae the stairs. Her friend, Honor tells her tae ignore it, which she does until Elmarie git up right behind her on the stairs. She starts callin' Kaylie a fat bitch, wh*re, s*ut, pig-nose. Ah'm jist a step behind them, hearin' every word. Thinkin' "Should ah dae summit or should ah no' bother? F**k it... Go fur it!" So ah tell Elmarie tae stop it, to which she replies: "Shut it ya f**kin' spastic!"

Huvin' cerebral palsy and bein' mixed race, there isnae an insult ah huv'nae heard afore, regarding either uh them issues. Me, bein' the clever, witty c**nt that ah um, gan: "Oh, how original. Is that the best ye cun dae, eh? It's almost like yer tryin' tae hurt ma feelin's" That gits a reply of: "Duh! Mong!" To which ah calmly go: "Ye were actually right the first time". Then she goes: "F**kin' paki" Oooooh! Gasp! Ma response: "It's mair o' a tan, really..."

Bored wi' me, and realising ah'm no' feert tae throw insults back at folk, Elmaire gans back tae verbally abusin Kaylie, as well as pushin' her. Goadin' her tae a fight. We're at the bottom of stair by this point. Kaylie aggressively askes: "What your problem, eh?" Elmaire, seriously and rather threatingly goes: "You!" Kaylie - red-faced wi' rage at this point, just turn and sensably walks away. Elmaire follows Kaylie oot the door that lead tae the bus park, yellin' "Hi, where d'ye think you're gan?!" Not tryin' tae be funny, Kaylie shout back at her "Home!"

Me and Honor are jist watchin' this confrontation aboot tae really f**kin' kick off. Ah say "D'ye want me tae.." noddin' over tae the doors that led tae the bus park She goes: "Naw, it's awright, ah'll sort it". "Awright, ah'm gan hame. See ya!" At that moment, just as ah'm aboot tae turn right, and make ma way doon another long hallway, past the head teacher office, past the front desk reception area and oot the front doors - it kicks off. The kids huv circled roon Elmarie and Kaylie, chantin' "Fight! Fight! Fight!" Me and Honor walk oot tae see what's gan on. Ah remember somebuddy tellin' me "Elmaire's gan tae batter Kaylie - this should be a right laugh!" Ah go "Ha!" But, in that dismissive tone uh voice. Coz the shite huz jist splattered aw oor the fan. It aw git a bit Fight Club at this point...

So ah'm watching this confrontation, Elmarie goes right up tae Kaylie, right in her face and tell her to hit her. Kaylie doesnae so Elmaire shoves her, again nuthin'. Shove her again, nuthin'. Then Elmaire slaps Kaylie... Some of the crowd go "Oooooh!" Then Elmaire start yellin': "C'mon, hit me! Whit ye no' hittin' me fur, eh?!"

Kaylie breaks doon in tears, Honor gives her a hug. And the poor lassie's sobbin'...At that point, ah step in: "Awright, enough's enough, eh?! C'mon, ye caw'd hur names, ye slapped hur, she's greetin'. Ye done enough"

Then Elmaire starts on me and she's yin uh those fast-talkin' Scottish wimmin - y'know, 3 words per second:

Elmaire: "Whit's she no' hittin' me fur, eh?"
Me: "Cause she's hit you, you hit her, she hit you back..."
Elmaire: "The fat, ugly bitch deserved it, anyway..."
Me: "Really? Fat and ugly, ye say? 're you jelous uh hur or summit?"
Elmaire: "Pfft... Aye, right!"
Me: She might be fat, tae you but she no' ugly. And she's no' a bitch. You on the other hand..." Wallop! She skelps me right in the gob. Full forced, and open handed, thankfully...
Me: Awww, sorry did ah say summit tae upset ye? At least, y'know how she feels, eh?", pointin' tae Kaylie, who is still cryin'.

Elmaire tells me tae eff off, and flips the middle finger salute, just at the point when the computer studies teacher, Mr Park, comes oot: "What's gan on here, then?"

In response to Elmaire tellin' me tae eff off, ah go: "Goan, then... Git tae." She buggers off, then Parky says: "Oooh! That's left a mark, what happen tae you, Graeme?" Honor tells 'em, Elmaire hit me. Then ah, unintentional gan: "Could've been worse, she could've punch me. At least ah stilll got aw ma ain teeth" This gets a laugh oot uh Parky. Then me and Honor basically explain the whole incident to him, he tells if it happens again - just tae tell him. He then asks if Kaylie'll be okay, Honor says that she will, and Parky goes back tae his classroom

But story doesnae end there... Feelin' a bit concerned, ah ask Kaylie if she'll be awright, an' jist yell at me. "Leave me alone!" and storm off room the corner of the school buildin', towards the bus park in a huff.

Honor goes: "It's awrigt, ah'll talk to her"
"Awright... ah'm away hame. See ya!"
Nae sooner than ah started walkin' away, ah hear Honour shoutin', "Graeme! Graeme!"
"Aye, what is it?"
"C'mere a minute!"
"But ah've got tae git...!"
"Kaylie want tae speak tae ya! We'll no' keep ye long!"
"Awright..."
.

So ah make ma way over. Honor and Kaylie are all now standin' against the wall. Ye see the part of the building that in the foreground of that photo ah post before of ma high school, aye? That where they're standing, not far from the steps ye also see that picture.

Anyway, Kaylie, her voice tremblin' a wee bit and startin' at her feet, apologies tae me. Ah go: "Nae need tae apologies. At least, ye didnae hit me" This ironic reference gets a wee laugh from Honor, considering what jist happen moments ago. Mibbe that wuz'nae be the best time tae make an in-joke of the situation? Kaylie starts cryin' again, ah apologies fur the joke. She says it wuz'nae that... I ask what was wrong. She says it dinnae matter. Ah think should ah jist leave or should ah try n' console her. Coz she wuz'nae exactly in the best state tae git on her bus home.

Plus, seemed kinda annoyed wi' hersel' fur no' fightin' back...

So, ah tell Honor tae ask the bus driver of the bus Kaylie gets on tae wait a wee minute. Coz, ah thought there's nae Kaylie wuz gan hame greetin' her eyes oot. The kids on here bus would've just made fun of her more. Ah lead her and Honor tae those 2 steps ye see in that previous photo, we sit doon. Ah git a wee packet of tissue oot ma bag and hand them tae Kaylie, so she can dry her and eyes and blow her nose. Ah kinda break the ice, by tryin' tae her laugh, nae idea why? Ah still remember what ah said to her anaw.

"Yur in an awfy state..."
She laughs, but even ah cun tell she's tryin' no' tae cry.
"Ah know how ye feel, Kaylie... Ah've been on receivin' end masel', many times, since primary. Physical and verbal bullyin' - it's no' nice. But it stops when ye stand up fur yersel'. And that what ye need tae do, Kaylie - stand-up fur yerself, fight back if need be"​
"You shouldnae be scared uh Elmaire, anyway. She should be scared uh you, you're bigger than her"​
"Thanks fur implyin' ah'm fat?"
"Ah didnae mean it like... Yer no' fat. Though, yer taller than Elmaire. so...Yer bigger in that sense"*

* Ah kinda said that withoot thinkin, which made Honor and Kaylie laugh... :giggle: Ah reassure her that thing'll be fine, and she's not as ugly as the names she gets called might suggest. She give me a big hug and thanks me for makin' her feel a bit better. Which made feel good fur, actually helpin' somebuddy in a situation that ah could empathise wi - huvin' went through it masel'... And it kinda ends there, really. Kaylie made her way tae the bus, calm and composed, Honor thanked me fur stick up for her friend - and ah went on ma ain way hame. Ah know, shite end tae a true story, eh? :bigsmile:​
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Don't know whit tae talk aboot the day... Ah've been in a funny kinda mood. Feelin' quite self-conscious aboot masel' n' the way ah talk, fur some reason.

Och, ah cannae explain it. Anyway, it's really quite depressin'... Mibbe it's the thought uh folk laughin' at me whenever ah say summit? :eek:mg:

Ah wuz actually thinkin' aboot postin' a entry frae ma journal on here. Aye, ah kept a hand-written journal a few years ago, which ah've still got. Filled wi' ma incomprehensable - and occasionally profound - thoughts an' feelin's.

As well as an entry that might prove or disprove how talent a writer ah um. No' sure aboot postin' it, though. It does involve social akweirdness on ma part so ye might be able tae relate? :idontknow: Got tae write aboot what ye know, as the sayin' goes.

Gittin' bored uh readin' ma posts in a Scottish accent yet? Coz ah'm no' gittin' bored uh writin' 'em. Though, ah imagine some youse're gan like this, while readin' ma post:
blahblah.gif
 
Top