Och aye the noo

Been feelin' quite depressed lately. Ah mean, despite gan oot for lunch today, I felt happier when ah got back home. Also, really got a lotta stuff ah'd like to do afore the end o' the year, but don't know if ma goals are achieveable.

Ah mean, there's no like impossible, but ah don't know if the things ah want to change will actually change. :thinking: :idontknow: :sad:

Kinda wonderin' if things are gettin' better for me, lately? :question: Just seems as though ma life hus'nae exactly improved by much. Don't know if ah should feel really guilty about ma emotional detachment from ma family?

Still huv'nae got an friends, which is nuthin' new for me. As ah never seem to keep in touch or allow many folk to get close to me.

And the fact I've gotten more shy, quiet and introverted as I've gotten older. Which will be hard habit to breakout of, but ma family seem to want it that way. Even I'd prefer not to be a total extrovert, like the rest o' them.

Still feelin' as socially awkward n' depressed as per usual. :sad: Ah kinda miss no huvin anywhere tae go - like a music gig or comedy show.
And ah dinnae feel that inspired to do anythin' creative or productive. :idontknow:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q8UzRgU9mw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dWkW8YTBm4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvxBtfBoa7g
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eAzvftZJcg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcO53Ie7NPc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO3z4cyMvIw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2JxhhqbAD0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ5aILCKz8Y
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9E1RQ05kvs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48A1zQrBMcI

Though, ah think next year, I'm going to try and book shows that are beyond the 2 venues ah wus visiting regularly this year, which were right next door to each other.

Though, ma yin pet peeve this year hud tae be the f**kin' students flyering outside venues. Ah mean, if yer just gonnae look at me n' start stutterin' like ah would masel' if ah wus in their position, dinnae bother, like.

Ah know ah look f**kin' intimidatin', ah get that. Though, that's probably why folk tend to avoid me. :question:

That said, last weekend wus bit shite. Well, going Carlisle was, at least.

In case yer wonderin' that in the north o' England, no far from the border with Scotland. And it's a weird f**kin' place, like. Cannae really describe it, other than ah tend to avoid eye contact with most o' the locals. mg:

Kinda glad ah hud 2 Edinburgh shows to make up for it, though. Even if it wus hellish trying to get intae yin o' the venues. And next year, definitely going for a more casual look. Just to avoid any dirty looks, and awkward interactions with comedians. mg:

Och, ah don't know why but ah might as well tell yous what happened last weekend. So, ma sister and I finally manage to get me, wheelchair and all, intae another part of the same venue we've been going to for the duration of Edinburgh's festival. Even though, ah hate being in the front row.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=os7RRLUHih8

^ We're seeing this lady, despite never having heard of her. And booking the show on the 21st, due being handed yet another flyer.

So, I'm sitting there, when she starting this routine about chat-up lines. Giving me one o' them, which is a bit too rude to repeat. Though, that's wus'nae end of it for me. Because Sanders follows this bit up by talking about TV show themes that sound more cringy if someone starts singing along to it. And she picks a good 'un... And dared anyone who knew the words to sing along.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nCqRmx3Dnw

Kinda glad she laughed with me, rather than picked on me. Because I started laughing at the "In West Philadelphia born and raised" line, knowing full well, I would've probably huv been the person in the room singing. :shyness:

Ah wish folk who weren't disabled understood what it's like to live with yin. Y'know? Like ah f**kin' hate how ah get telt how ah should feel. That, oh, ah should be really pissed off that ah huv to fight just to get things ma way. Or ah should be ragin' at how unfair it aw is... Naw, sorry but ah'd rather just accept it.

Folk are gonnae cheat the benefits system regardless, cause some c**ts are too lazy to work. Or didnae go far in their education. F**k know how ah got this far in life, like. Anyway, ma point is folk like me do suffer because o' that, unfairly. But ah think it's mair through ignorance.

Cause ah mean, tae look at me, ye wouldnae think I've got cerebral palsy or a slight learning disability.

But ah think society just lumbs us in with the lazy sods cause it's easier. Ah mean if yer struggle with depression and anxiety to the point where ye can barely function, then ye could say we're kinda in the same boat, in a way.

Though, ah think the worst thing aboot being disabled is folk - as well intentioned as they may be - always feel obligated tae help ye when you, yersel', didnae ask for it. Which is probably the thing that pisses me off the most. Because rather than giving disabled folk a wee bit o' independence, yer kinda takin' that away. And also implying that without other folk, the likes of me are useless.

Sorry, just a wee rant at society there. Because ah recently hud to re-apply to one of the venues ah visit frequently to keep me on their books as a regular visitor and make sure I still huv ma carer's pass. As they've hud a few folk abusing the system.

It's kinda difficult for me to actually sit and reflect upon how things have been these past few months. Not because ah can't, but just that whole mentality that ma family has of wanting to just forget things that happened.

Ah don't even know if ah've made much progress? It doesnae seem like it. :idontknow: Aside from being compliment on my weight loss, which personally ah huv'nae even taken much notice of. And if anythin' just makes me wanna do this, everytime ma family mention it: mg:

Though, being praised for simply cutting back on stuffin' ma face and exercising... Hardly summit ah'd applaud, like. Aw this pish about me..


Sorry, but it doesnae take that much to actually do it, like. Just get off yer fat arse n' do it. And stick with it. Ah know I'm a big fella, masel', but it's aw in the mind, really. For example, everytime ah went to kitchen drawn where ma mum stashes aw the chocolate n' biscuit, ah said tae masel':


Now is that will-power or common sense? :question: Plus, gan up n' doon a flight o' stairs just to get to bathroom or kitchen. It's nae wonder I've been losing weight. My mum on the other hand, ah don't mean this to sound bad, but... If yer just going lie on the couch most o' the day and talk about losing weight rather than doing it: Then ye deserve whatever health issues ye end up with.

Ah know that seems harsh, but when ye get right doon tae it. Ah cun tell her to cut back on buy the fizzy drink n' shite food. She's gotta want to change, and at the moment that doesnae seem likely.

Need some advice for someone on here. It's regarding the story o' ma surgery earlier this year. How should I got about telling it? Should ah just start at January 2016, or go further back n' talk about when ah decided to finally get it done n' aw that? Because there were months of tests and consultancy appointments ah hud to go through from September through to November 2015.

Just asking because there wus so much leading up to finally getting the orthopedic surgery, as well as the eventful few months of post-surgery rehab. And know ma luck, ma posts about it will end up seeming like a novel. :bigsmile:

And ah know ah said, ah get around to tellin' it, but this year just seems to be fleein' passed, I've hardly hud time to reflect on it.

People are f**kin' strange these days. Ah mean, how the f**k wus ah supposed tae know ma mum probably has OCD?
She tells me f**k all! :idontknow:

Aw, wait, that's right. Feminists expect men tae be f**kin' mind readers, don't they? h:

Cannae even ask a cheeky, light-hearted question about mental illness nowadays. Yet, ma family over the years huv made offensive jokes at ma expence. From sayin' I'm autistic because ah don't talk much, nevermind talkin' about masel' and huv a slight learning disability. Ma appearance. Oh, and ah spent much o' ma teens huvin ma sexuality questioned constantly, due ma lack o' girlfriends.

But I'm the c*nt for makin' an ill-judged joke remark withoot even know it'd be offensive. :sad: More reason for me to just keep quiet, eh? :question:

Graeme1988 said:

Cannae even ask a cheeky, light-hearted question about mental illness nowadays. Yet, ma family over the years huv made offensive jokes at ma expence. From sayin' I'm autistic because ah don't talk much, nevermind talkin' about masel' and huv a slight learning disability. Ma appearance. Oh, and ah spent much o' ma teens huvin ma sexuality questioned constantly, due ma lack o' girlfriends.

But I'm the c*nt for makin' an ill-judged joke remark withoot even know it'd be offensive. :sad: More reason for me to just keep quiet, eh? :question:

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It's called "double standards". Not the nicest of character traits to behold.

theslowesthand said:

It's called "double standards". Not the nicest of character traits to behold.

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Naw, yer no wrang there. :thumbdown: Pisses me off, like.

Ah hate how ma family can justify mockin' and ridiculing me as a joke. Yet when I do it - I'm just being mean.

Like, t's a bit c*nty to say I'm being c#%* for merely makin' an observation. Ah just jokingly asking my mum if she has OCD because ah witnessed her cleaning the bathroom sink before ah wus going to shave, aggressively with her right hand. Y'know, despite the sink not being dirty.

And just curiously want to know why she was doin' summit that would make more sense after I'd shave ma head.

Also, if she'd stopped, turned roon n' went: "Aye, ah dae huv that, actually". It's like ah wouldnae huv said sorry for askin' the question in a cheeky way, just to break the awkward silence. :idontknow:

Ah don't know, perhaps ah should just continue to keep quiet? :thinking: Since everytime I make a joke, people take me seriously. And whenever I'm being serious, people think I'm jokin'. Cannae win, just cannae win...

Don't know if it's going to be worth ma time gettin' back intae playin' the electric guitar again? :question: Considering I'm nearly 30. Does that no scream "mid-life crisis"? Sittin' about playin' guitar and listening to the music you grow up with, as well ambient electronic music. :idontknow:

No really taking any responsibilty for myself. Not because ah can't, but because ma family seem determined to continue treating me like a child due to being the youngest. Ah get the feelin' they hate me for just being me, y'know? Not huv a great deal in common. Being somewhat smart, and more of a thinker than most o' my immediate family.

It's also gettin' frustrating constantly huvin ma mum play dumb everytime I ask her a simple, direct question. Ah feel weighted down, by huvin to care for her. And the limited amount of care I have for myself. Ah say limited because ma mum refuses to show me how to be more independent. So ah huv teach myself, which isnae how it should be, really. But then ah've always felt like the unwanted child due being born disabled, and taking after ma dad in a lotta way - ie, looks, personality and not being yin to suffer fools gladly.

Your family do tend to take themselves awfully seriously eh? They cannot take any "stick" at all, whether seriously or humourously. I wonder if its just with you, or are they like this wth everybody?

theslowesthand said:

Your family do tend to take themselves awfully seriously eh? They cannot take any "stick" at all, whether seriously or humourously. I wonder if its just with you, or are they like this wth everybody?

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Well, that's no how they see it. It's me who's awfy serious, apparently.

They're always uptight aroon me, based on ma size. And the fact, ah called ma mum n' eldest sister on their BS, as far as how it's awrite for them to mock me, yet ah do it then I'm the insensitive, autistic c^*%. :idontknow: So as far as "schtick" goes, I take things too far. Y'know, jokingly implyin' yer ain mum's got OCD merely from observing her behaviour.

And the ironic, subtly offensive t-shirt ah tend to wear... Let's just say ma mum's stopped attending Edinburgh during the Fringe after the reaction of folk last year.

But, aye, they're far happier when I'm not around them. Not that I'm sad about that. Being the youngest, ah hud to put up with a lot over the years - being forced to comfort ma family after an argument that is usually their own doing. Since ah tend to keep outta conflicts. The constant sarcastic putdowns at my expense. Because that "schtick" is typical Scottish humour.

Needless to say, I've slowly distanced masel' from ma family, keep to myself. Meaning they don't me that well, and ah don't know them. The fact ma family still think I've been listening to the same genres of music since ah wus 14, shows how well they know me. Sure it's lonely, but, me opening up tends to get a dismissive, judgemental reaction. So ah don't really bother do that anymore. That what ah get for being a shy, introverted guy. :sad:

Graeme1988 said:

Well, that's no how they see it. It's me who's awfy serious, apparently

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Of course they will deny it forever more, as their ego's sees it as a big threat. Tricky things, are ego's.

Y'know what, I really don't see much point of caring on. Living is just too much. Too much to overcome, just be seen as a person. Rather than person with a disability. And those happy moment only every occur with me when I outta my comfort zone, away from the home.

Ah mean, am I wrong for constantly lecturing my mum that it's not okay to treat me like an invalid, and undermine me every chance she gets. Oh, and lie to me, too. D'ye see why ah don't trust most people, let alone family, huh?! And they wonder why ah rarely show them affection or say ah love 'em. Probably because ah don't, really.

And d'ye know how f**kin' patronising it is to tell how ah should feel? :kickingmyself:

Or, better still, being called ungrateful for not appreciating everythin' yer family does for ye. When they do what they want, rather than what I ask, most o' the time. Or a sociopath, which is good 'un. All because ah refuse to show any compassion towards ma mum for huvin' sore legs. That's rich!

Well, maybe if she didnae constantly use them as an excuse whenever ah ask her to do somethin' for me, ah'd be more understanding, no? Ah mean, ma legs n' hips are in pain 99.9% of the time from the moment ah wake up in the mornin'. But ah just grin n' bare the pain, instead of complain. But then I'm a man. That's what yer supposed to do, innit, lads? Stiff upper lip, tough as f**k n' aw that...

I'm so f**kin' sick of being the one that ma family see as smart, sensible n' highly thought of. Yet, every chance they get, ma family will f**k me over. Make excuses to not help me, even when ah ask nicely. Make promises they huv nae intention of delivering on. The wee, subtle, f**kin' diigs at my character, which ah just take.

Ah think ma dad might've huv hud the right idea in disown those member of his family whom he felt made excuse for their situations, rather than takin' steps to improve their lives. Myself included in that. Though, ah got browbeaten n' guilt-tripped intae mine. Since ma mum's a pathogical lying control freak. Cause there's nae way ma life would be as miserable as if ah hud been either raised by ma dad or put up for adoption. At least then, I'd huv got a better education, if nowt else.

It's no great when you're constantly blamed for things other folk huv done, or get resent by yer siblings because o' yer disability. Because yer family are incapable of taking responsibilty for themselves. So, why not apportion blame upon those who did nowt to deserve it. Aye, sound logic there, eh? :thumbdown:

Graeme1988 said:

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I love quotes. This is a good one that I haven't seen before. I assume it is saying whatever we do we are gonna be criticised so just get used to being criticised. A good message, even though its easier said than done for some of us that are not thick skinned.