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Old 08-17-2014
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Hiya folks. If yer readin' this in a Scottish accent, then yer daein better than me when ah tried tae read Robert Burns poetry efter a few pints. Only jokin'... Though, ah must re-learn some uh his poems. Huv'nae read them since ah wuz a wee lad...

Anyway, ah digress. Nuthin' new tae report the day. Other than tae say ah've bin happy fur the past couple uh days. Spent maist uh yesterday laughin' ma heid off at the fact ah wuz the yin who laughed at, and instantly got the point of reference for this joke the other night:

Quote:
Fred MacAulay: "Knock, knock..."
Audience in unison: "Who's there?!"
Fred mimicks the sound of four gunshots being fired then says: "It's me, Oscar"
^ This being an obvious darkly humourous reference tae Oscar Pistorius. In case any uh youse didnae git whit wuz so wrong, and yet. funny aboot it. Ah, comedy... The best anti-depressant that ye cannae git fae yer doctor.

Usually ah dinnae feel this cheery a few days efter ah gan tae any stand-up comedy show. A weird feelin' but which hope last fur a bit longer. Though, as ah described in ma recent post that Fred MacAulay gig wuz f**kin' special.

Oh! Summit equally as funny happened on the drive hame fae Edinburgh on Friday night which involved ma mum and certain phrase, which ah feel ah must tell ye aboot because it made me f**kin' howlin' wi' laughter. It's quite long-winded story and ah'm feelin' tired, so ah tell youse aboot it the 'morrow.

Aw the best.
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Old 08-19-2014
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Right, so, ah tell youse this wee story then... Actually, ah huv'nae thought that far aheid.

So... As ah telt ye in ma previous post ah've been trailing away the way up tae Edinburgh and back tae the Scottish Borders fur the past few days. Gan up tae the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Jist a wee recap, there...

Anyway, efter seeing Fred MacAulay performin' his stand-up comedy show at the Assembly Rooms...


We (me, ma mum & oldest sister) make our way back to ma sister's car, which wuz parked just across the street. I, of course, am still laughin' aboot some of the jokes from the show, and still in slight disbelief that ah got a fist-bump and a handshake merely for being the person during the show to laugh hysterically at a sick joke. A joke which most of the audience disapproved of.

So we're drivin' hame, and suddenly our mum says she's no' feelin' well. So we stop twice - pull off intae a lay-by an stopping the first time. And mum got oot the car and stretched her legs a wee bit and get some fresh air. And it wuz gonnae be sick, she wouldnae dae it in the back seat intae a shoppin' bag.

But ah digress... Anyway, efter the 2nd stop, our mum git back in the car and we continue the drive hame. When suddenly to make small-talk we start talkin' aboot how busy it was in Edinburgh that night (August 15th) compared to when we were there last, near the start of Edinburgh Festival (August 3rd).

The conversation went summit along these lines:

Ma sister: "Lotta folk wanderin' aboot the night, compared tae when we were last up on that Sunday"
Ma mum: "Aye, it wuz the streets fair busy. But then there's a lot gan on"
Ma sister: "And of course, the Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo'll be on at Edinburgh Castle. So they'll be a lot uh folk up fur. And the Fringe festival will be bring in the money".


Ah'm jist agreein' wi' aw this conversation coz ah huv'nae really got any tae say.
Then ma mum suddenly says:

Ma mum: "That'll be whit that sign was fur..."
Ma sister: "Eh? Whit sign're ye on aboot?"
Ma mum: "Fur the Tattoo at Edinburgh Castle... Ah saw a sign that said "Queue For Tattoo" ootside one of the pubs we drove past. And ah thought tae masel': That an awfy weird place tae be gittin' a tattoo, is it no'?"

Well... In similar reaction to the joke that earned me a fist-bump from ma one of favourite Scottish comedians, ah burst oot laughin', loudly. Because ah've jist clock the wonderfully double-meaning in what ma mum just said. Ah'm like this: Repeating the phrase "Queue For Tattoo", I am doubled-over laughin'.

Ma mum then says: "It's no' even funny, stop laughin' at me", feelin' slightly embarrassed.

"But... But it is. D'ye no' get it?", I ask, tryin' contain ma laughter, compose masel' and get the words oot ma mooth, aw at the time. Then wipin' away ma tears ah say that, "It's the fact ye confused the mean of the phrase in relation tae the Tattoo at Edinburgh Castle, for the literal meaning of gettin' an actual tatoo withoot realising it. Aw, that wuz a good 'un"
Ma sister agrees wi' me on this. Then ah say summit ah rarely every say tae ma mum in front of other folk: "Ah love ye, mum. Yer naive yet hysterically funny and ye dinnae even know why, which makes it aw the funnier. You'd make a great comedian" She disagrees wi' this statement, sayin' she just stupid, so ah reassure her that she's certainly funnier than me. Because ah couldnae come up wi' hilarious one-liners or a play-on-words as quickly as her.

Then a few minute after the laughter subsides, ah wondered and asked ma mum:
"Why did ye no' say that afore we went tae that gig?"
"Why? Ah thought you'd laugh at me fur bein' stoopid"
"Would've bin great tae gan intae that gig wi' summit tae laugh aboot afore the show started. Next time, ya think of summit that you think is or might be stoopid, say it. Because it might also be funny"
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Old 08-19-2014
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Old 08-24-2014
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Bin feel kinda crappy lately. Mainly because a lotta stuff huz bin on ma mind... Also bein' made tae feel self-conscious aboot ma quiet, unassumin' nature huz left me feel mair an' mair like an ootsider. More so than usual, y'know...

Ah fin maist uh the time, ah tend tae zone oot on conversation or even ma ain thoughts, ah know, weird, right? Anyway, ah bin feelin' awfy depressed since ah got back fae Edinburgh...

Ah've also came tae realisation that I am... Boring! Aye, ye heard right, boring. Boring as f**k - that's me. Oh! And stoopid, there's adjective ye cun add tae describe me. Sorry if this gits too depressin' but ah cannae help feelin' how ah'm feelin' sometimes.
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Old 08-24-2014
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Bin wonderin' lately how ah'd look dressed in one uh these, especially wi' ma heid :


Would probably look awright, if a wee bit ridiculous...
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Old 08-28-2014
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Insomnia and wakin' up mid-day wi' back ache... F**kin' great, innit? Another indication that ah'm no' as young as ah use tae be.

But, y'know, it comes the territory and being born wi' a physical disability. Och, well... Got tae accept 'hings ye cannae change. Sorry, if that sounds awfy depressin', but... Ah'm in a rather shite mood. As ah huv bin as uh late, fur various reasons.

Bin thinkin' an awfy lot, lately. Mainly aboot ma dad which is weird coz he died 2 years ago... And we didnae exactly huv the best relationship, ah'll admit. But then again, ah don't feel particular close tae any of ma family or relatives.

Ah guess ah've always felt like an outsider, even in ma family, because ah got treated differently from the rest uh them. Nutin' like being patronised, made tae feel like a retard, and insulted eh?

A sheltered upbringing didnae help me any, jist made me weary of the world, socially inept. It's aw well n' guid protecting yer child but, in the end, it backfires because ye eventually realise that by being overly protective, they made ye shit-scared uh people and the world around ye.

Which contribute to the following issues...
  • Trust Issues
  • Trouble Forming And Maintain Relationships/Friendship
  • An Inability Being Comfortable In Most Social Situations
  • Self-Esteem Issues

Being emotionally distant doesnae help matter either

Also being in denial aboot the issues yer child faces, especially when they're physically disabled and of mixed heritage, makes it increasingly difficult tae discuss the issues of prejudice faced by disabled people or mixed race. Because discrimination towards disabled people still exists - it's jist not openly discussed.

Pretending that a problem doesnae exist doesnae mean the problem suddenly disappears, ye jist internalise it. Confrontin' an issue head on will, at least, help in coping wi' the problem.

But, when ye git right doon tae it aw - we come intae the world the same way, and we gan oot the same way.

Sorry if this is gittin' too personal and depressin', ah've jist bin thinkin' aboot ma upbringing a lot, lately, and how it's impacted ma adult life.
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Old 08-28-2014
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Ah wish ah hud a better relationship wi' both ma parents. Mibbe ah wouldnae be as f**ked-up if ah did.

As much as ah luv ma muther, she didnae do a great job raisin' me, in retrospect. Whit message're ye sending when ye lock yer child outside as a punishment for not doing whit he's told, eh? Apparently, it doesnae mean that she doesn't love ye. Well, that's accordin' tae the therapist ah saw to seek help fur ma issues. But she wuz also a wummin, so y'know wimmin tend tae side wi' other wimmin in most arguments - jist speakin' fae ma ain experience there. Growin' up in a household where, by ma teenage years, feelin' emasculated wuz very much common place.

Ah kinda still resent the fact, ah got treated like ah didnae matter and that ma mum and older sisters felt they could boss me around because... Well, ah let them, really. Ah mean, now they're all compliments and thinkin' highly of me. Doesnae change the fact they treated me like shite fur the most adolesent years uh ma life.

Oh! And here another wee tip, lads... Never seek relationship advice from the female gender, especially she's bin through abusive relationships and huz'nae quite moved on from it, mentally. Huvin' foolishly done that masel', ah cun tell ye - the hatred and bitterness caused by said domestic abuse - it's doesnae make ye feel particular good aboot the fact yer a man.

See ma mum hud 3 kids by 3 different men between 1966 and 1988. 1 relationship and child by a white Scottish guy, the other 2 relationships and kids fathered by intimidating black African men. From whit ah've bin told, 2 of the 3 relationship were domestically abusive - guess which ones...? Thankfully, ma mum got oot afore 'hings got really bad.

Unfortunately fur me, ma mum project aw her relationship experiences - as well the subsequent hatred and bitterness as a result of said relationships - and project them ontae me - her only son... With such words uh wisdoms as:
"Ah'm glad ah'm no' in a relationship"
"Men - who needs 'em?"
"Yer better off alone" And...
"All men are useless"


^ Now, ah realise, in retrospect, that these pieces of advice are... B**locks! - especially that last one. If that's last yin true, then please name the inventions and innovations wimmin huv contributed tae society? Coz ah sure cannae think o' a single example.

But, ah digress... That "advice" is hardly whit ye want tae hear as a teenager going through an awkward period in yer life which will ultimately shape the adult ye become. Also, being telt not tae trust the few friends ye make durin' high school - jist because they endulge in recreational drug use - doesnae help matters.

Equally unhelpful wuz constantly bein' telt tae "keep the peace" - which tae ma mum means that ye don't say anything to upset anyone, keep yer opinions tae a miminmum and ignore any and insults direct as ye - because "they're only joking"...

Which since ah brought it up, why is it when a total stranger rifi yer appearance or whatever, yer telt tae ignore it. But if a close family member does the same thing, yer suppose tae treat it as a "joke" and an unfunny yin at that. Don't jist luv double standards...

But that other stories fur another time. Plus ah've ramble on enough, fur now... Don't worry once ah git aw this oot ma system ah'll be awright and aw the better fur it.
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Old 08-28-2014
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Sorry if ma recent posts don't make fur easy readin' - both lingustically and emotionally. Sorry, got tae maintain ma sense uh humour or else ah jist a dour, miserable, bitter, cynical, Scottish person - but enough aboot the people of Orkney. If ye cannae laugh at yersel', yer f**kin' doomed!

Anyway, ah jist, eh, need tae git aw those thoughts and negative feelin's oot ma heid. Coz ah dinnae feel super comfortable talkin' aboot them wi' folk in real life. Ah actually feel quite a shamed tae be this vunerable in real life, fur some weird reason. Probably because aw that "Men don't cry; Man up!" clichéd crap ye heard aw the time.

Plus, everybuddy on here's great, lovely and quite understanding, overall.

Don't worry the amusing wee stories aboot other, less depressing, things that huv happened tae me over the year will make a welcome return soon.
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Old 08-28-2014
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hennyfink View Post
I agree Graeme, I think you would look ok in a kilt (I say that in a purely macho way of course) Although I hear it's a wee bit windy in Scotland, so
Oh, aye... One gust uh wind, and ye git a good view uh ma tadger and big broon arse. But yer probably right, aboot me lookin' awright in a kilt, and possibly a tartan bunnet tae match...
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Old 08-28-2014
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Bin huvin quite a difficult, emotional time lately. Everythin' jist seems tae be gan wrong. More often than not ah end up pissin' people around off, jist by the mere opening of ma gob. Which probably explain why ah opt fur silence over speakin' up. Efter aw, it's easier tae jist accept things as they are, realise yer in a shite situation that doesnae help you in anyway, and solider on...

Ah find it incredibly ironic that ah never started tae git treat differently by ma mum or older sisters until ma dad decided he want tae be a part of ma life. Ah say he chose because ah never really got a say in the matter. It wuz forced upon, as with many things in ma life.

Just oot the blue one day in September 2003, ma mum says "Yer dad wants tae see ya, whit d'ye think uh that?" Ah said word tae the affect of not wantin' tae see 'em. Despite a year earlier during a high school lunch break, some long-haired, brown-skinned c*nt jist walks up tae me, asks me ma name, and says he's ma step-brother. Followed by "Here's yer dad's phone number, he wants you to get in touch" Aye, right. If he didnae want tae know me until this point, then he can bugger off

Or so ah thought. But no, ma mum insisted ah give 'em a chance, kinda like she hud, despite him hit her around and f**k off shortly efter ah came intae the world.

Anyway, ah cun still remember the day ma dad came back intae ma life. He walk intae the living room, ah stand up and he says: "Hey, long time, no see" What a f**kin' irony! That from a guy who's name is spelt like this "——————" on ma birth certificate. Though, admittedly that is an awfy hard name tae spell correctly.

He gave me one uh these:


Ah jist smiled and stared at 'em briefly, afore sittin' back down. Realise that "F**kin' hell! Ah look jist like 'em"

Now, ah don't know if ah wuz foreshadowin' the next 8 years of emotional and psychological hell ah'd go through, but ah knew from this first encounter wi' ma dad that "This is a bad idea, it isnae gonnae work".

But ma mum wuz huvin nae o' it. "Och, he's no' a bad guy", she said tae me. Really...?

So began these awkward "flyin' visits" - by that don't mean he arrived via a hang glider. Ma dad would jist show up announced, tryin' an' bond wi' me, then f**k off back home to Kettleholm. Oh! And every visit he'd bring subtly bring up the subject of me visiting 'em and ma step-sibling or doing an Open University course...

"Sooo... When are you going to come and visit?"
Me:
"When are you going to do that accounting course at the Open University?"
Me:

Nevermind that maths isn't ma strong point.
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Old 08-28-2014
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Also, huvin nuthin' in common didnae exactly help when it came tae building a relationship wi' ma dad. He like Jools Holland and aw these jazz musicians, at time, ah wuz intae Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath and any other metal band you can name.

And dinnae git me started wi' the language barrier... Ah could understand a word ma dad said, and he couldnae understand me.

See ma dad was this big, intimidatin' Kenyan bloke wi' the personality of Robert Mugabe - he wuz a c*nt. Always hud tae git things his way, couldnae take "No" fur an answer. Plus, ma dad never hud anythin' good tae say aboot the fact ah hud creative potential. Naw, me playin' the guitar was "stupid", ma love of art and writin' was "a waste of time".

Basically, since ah didnae agree wi' everythin' ma dad said, nor respect 'em, he never said anythin' positive aboot me.

Ah feel ma cerebal palsy as created a barrier between me an' ma dad. Since he didnae seem tae care, or wuz the least bit bother aboot ma physical disability.

Sorry if this gits too depressin' or personal, by-the-way. Ah know this cannae make fur easy readin'. Ah jist need tae git it oot since ah've - wrongly - internalised a lotta ma problems over the years.
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Old 08-29-2014
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Feelin' an awfy lack uh confidence in masel'. And ah don't particular like the person ah've become.
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Old 08-30-2014
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Feelin' an awfy lack uh confidence in masel'. And ah don't particular like the person ah've become.
I know how you feel Graeme. Sometimes I look at myself and I just dont know who it is I've become. But what I try to remember is that I might have changed into whoever I am now, but that doesnt mean I cant one day remake myself again into someone I want to be
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Old 08-31-2014
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How d'ye deal wi' family members who ye don't love anymore...?

Because ah've bin feelin' really conflicted aboot cut aw contact wi' ma older sister. Ma mum keeps tellin' me tae keep the peace between us, but genuinely feel ah'd be better off if ah didnae speak tae ma sister fur awhile.
Ma mum seems tae think the fact ma sister thinks highly of me means we can jist ignore the fact she's treats me as if I'm beneath her, and she somehow superior in everyway.

Ah don't see whit ma sister thinkin' highly of me huz tae do wi' the way she treats me? It still doesnae change how she treat me, does it?

She might treat like a piece uh crap, but she think highly of me. So ah jist pit up wi' the manipulative c**t, despite ma internal disappointment.

Ah cannae keep up the fake smiles and pretending we're still close when, in reality, we're no'... Ah dinnae even like being in her presence most uh the time. Sorry, ah'm jist at ma wits end here. And feel sayin' aw this rant oot loud would destroy ma family.
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I think sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut out the toxic people in your life, regardless of whether or not they are family. You need loving and supportive people around you, not people that treat you like crap. You don't just need it, you deserve it too.
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Old 09-01-2014
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I think sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut out the toxic people in your life, regardless of whether or not they are family. You need loving and supportive people around you, not people that treat you like crap. You don't just need it, you deserve it too.
Any advice on how to go about doing this...? Ah might end up destroyin' ma family if ah do this?
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Great description of your Dad. That would be the pits having someone with the personality od Mugabe as your Dad.
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Old 09-01-2014
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Great description of your Dad. That would be the pits having someone with the personality of Mugabe as your Dad.
Well, ah thought the comparison wuz apt. Since ma dad wuz a guy who always hud tae get things his away. He didnae take "No" for answer and disowned anyone who disagree wi' or stood up tae 'em. So y'know... It wuz hellish being around 'em.

Ah remember once, when ah didnae give an answer to the question of visitin' him and ma step-sibling, he jokingly said "You're doing it or else..." Aye, you jist try it pal.

Ah mean, the only good thing he did fur me was take me, Scott - who wuz ma best friend at the time, - ma step-sister Bella and her boyfriend who wuz also called Scott, to see Iron Maiden back in 2003. Ma dad stayed in the car, since there were only 4 tickets. That wuz ma first ever concert experience. Ah still remember when we got back to the car, and ma dad asked how the concert was, Bella said, with a deadpan delivery and slightly posh Scottish accent: "Eh, it wuz awright..." Which made me laugh...

Other than that, ma dad just constantly belittled ma passion for music and anythin' else creative. That wuz dismissed as a "waste of time". He didnae seem tae comprehend ma disability. But he wuz much o' a father tae me, he certainly didnae love me compared tae how he felt aboot ma step-siblings. Since he wuz'nae there fur me. And him coming back intae ma life like ah owed him summit, that wuz ironic.

The strange thing is we never mentioned ma dad until ah wuz 14. Even then, ah wuz'nae too bothered aboot 'em. Ah actually wanted tae wait until ah was old enough to get to know him, like when ah wuz 18.

Ah still think he hud a negative impact on me, since ma dad basically told me ah wuz'nae good enough. A point perfectly illistrated when he asked me:

"When are you going to do something with yer life"

And I jist snapped: "Ah don't know, do ah? Whit do you suggest, eh?!"

After that particular visit in January 2011, ah hud an emotional breakdown and telt mum to cut all contact. "It's up tae you, either he goes or ah go? One or the other. But cannae pit up wi' this anymair. Ah'll never be guid enough fur him, ah'm done!"

Then a few months later, ma mum get a phone call from ma dad sayin' he's in hospital. When ah asked if he wuz awright she said: "He's got cancer..." Ah asked if he wants me tae go see 'em? Ah chose not to, since the amount uh distress he caused me. It didnae seem worth it, him lyin' in a hospital bed, me sittin' beside him. Questioning why he treated me the way he did, used me. How come he never said that he loved me? Maybe because he didn't, really. Ye cannae force that bond between a parent and child...

Sorry, ah know this doesnae make fur good readin'. Just tryin' to figure oot why ah um the way ah um...
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Ah feel like life's passing me by. Ah feel like ah huv tae tolerate the abuse from ma family. Just ignore it and hope it goes away.
But it doesnae...
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Bloody difficult times to go through. So your father passed away did he?
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