Observing versus experiencing personally

A1621

A1621

Member
Okay, don't know if this is a shyness thing also but .. if anyone reads this and it resonates, I'd love to hear your perspective .. just to gain understanding.

I was talking with someone .. the girl in my previous post .. about emotions and stuff. I've always known she's not the romantic type .. doesn't like flowers, etc. Yet, she likes to read romance novels and love story type movies .. things that get her emotional. I said that confused me .. that she's not romantic but likes romantic stuff. Well, the stuff in books and movies, aren't real so it's different. She said she likes to read/watch but wouldn't like it if it happened to her.

I find that very confusing .. and I'm really at a loss. To me that's almost like saying, "I like reading the menu of a restaurant but, I wouldn't want to eat there."

What am I missing here? I truly want to understand but right now, I'm baffled. I mean, is this like a desire to live vicariously through someone else .. because you're too afraid or shy or whatever for it to happen to you personally? I'm grasping at straws here and would really appreciate another perspective.

Thanks. :)
 
truffleshuffle

truffleshuffle

Well-known member
A1621 said:
Okay, don't know if this is a shyness thing also but .. if anyone reads this and it resonates, I'd love to hear your perspective .. just to gain understanding.

I was talking with someone .. the girl in my previous post .. about emotions and stuff. I've always known she's not the romantic type .. doesn't like flowers, etc. Yet, she likes to read romance novels and love story type movies .. things that get her emotional. I said that confused me .. that she's not romantic but likes romantic stuff. Well, the stuff in books and movies, aren't real so it's different. She said she likes to read/watch but wouldn't like it if it happened to her.

I find that very confusing .. and I'm really at a loss. To me that's almost like saying, "I like reading the menu of a restaurant but, I wouldn't want to eat there."

What am I missing here? I truly want to understand but right now, I'm baffled. I mean, is this like a desire to live vicariously through someone else .. because you're too afraid or shy or whatever for it to happen to you personally? I'm grasping at straws here and would really appreciate another perspective.

Thanks. :)
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some people feel that over the top romantic jesters are embarisig and just dont feel like they need that kinda of stuff for reasurence you love them. Just becasue they love reading about it or watching it dosen;t mean they need it. Although I don;t know to many women that would not like to get flowers every now and then.
 
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jaim38

Well-known member
I'm a girl, and I like to look at fashionable clothing online; I know I can't afford many of them, but just looking at them gives me a sense of satisfaction. I also watch romantic dramas from time to time, which makes me feel emotions that I don't get to feel in real life. Same concept with romantic stories and manga that I read. I know real life (my life, that is) won't be as exhilarating, so I find pleasure in movies and fictional stories.

I guess you can say, watching and reading is a cathartic experience for me.
 
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O'Killian

Well-known member
The basic gist - that stories are 'larger than life', unrealistic, etc., is exactly it.

To take a different example, I just spent half an hour on a roof, gun in hand, murdering anybody who walked by (in Team Fortress 2). That's not something I would take pleasure in in real life at all. I confess to being a little tongue-in-cheek there, but the premise is similar. Same thing with, say, action movies and power trips, etc.

The exact 'why' of it is dependent on the individual, but it could just very well be a preference. The platonic ideal looks good on paper, but here in the real world, well...

Hope that helps a bit.
 
JackOfSpades

JackOfSpades

Well-known member
A lot of women (guys too?) have intimate fantasies that they wouldn't want in real life, also. I don't know why it is, but it is.
 
Lonelykitsune

Lonelykitsune

Well-known member
I think everyone is like that to some degree. I like reading about children's lives during wartime, but I wouldn't actually want to experience one myself.

I like being an arseholish dictator in tropico 3, but I wouldn't want to treat people like that in real life.
 
A1621

A1621

Member
truffleshuffle said:
some people feel that over the top romantic jesters are embarisig and just dont feel like they need that kinda of stuff for reasurence you love them. Just becasue they love reading about it or watching it dosen;t mean they need it. Although I don;t know to many women that would not like to get flowers every now and then.
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That gave me some clarity .. thanks! It's like, she likes the feelings that it gives her but, she also knows that in real life, you don't fall crazy in love over the things you SEE or READ in those stories. There's more going on at a deeper level that just can't be portrayed that way .. it has to be experienced. And maybe if she experiences the things she sees/reads in a love story, she'll feel that, that's all there is, the outward appearance without the depth. She has also come to believe that love isn't real .. it's just suffering so for her to experience a real life love story, would be in conflict with that thinking .. she most likely wouldn't trust it.

Thanks for all the other posts as well .. I don't have a lot of time to respond right now but, everyone gave me something to think about and I appreciate it. :)
 
A1621

A1621

Member
Oh my .. I just thought of something that might just be a part of it. Sorry too, don't know if this belongs in a shyness forum but, I needed a place to start and it seemed like it might be .. Anyway, I was just thinking, these types of stories give her feelings, intense emotions that bring tears of happiness .. feelings of wonder and amazement. And like most women, she has a deep desire to feel the whole gamut of emotions. But she doesn't want it in her life .. why? Well, she did have a rough time in the early years .. abuse in the home, etc. It might just be that she had to shut off her emotions in order to avoid getting hurt more. The romance stories are able to touch those emotions and release them in a safe environment so she can experience the feelings without the circumstances in her own life. But if it WERE to be real .. just thinking, she may subconsciously connect deep emotion with pain .. doesn't matter if the emotions are good or bad .. I mean, it was weird how when I asked her why she likes to read and watch but wouldn't want it for real, she said, "If it happened to me it would be sad." She admitted that she couldn't really explain it but maybe this is why.

Anyone have an echo on this?
 
truffleshuffle

truffleshuffle

Well-known member
A1621 said:
Oh my .. I just thought of something that might just be a part of it. Sorry too, don't know if this belongs in a shyness forum but, I needed a place to start and it seemed like it might be .. Anyway, I was just thinking, these types of stories give her feelings, intense emotions that bring tears of happiness .. feelings of wonder and amazement. And like most women, she has a deep desire to feel the whole gamut of emotions. But she doesn't want it in her life .. why? Well, she did have a rough time in the early years .. abuse in the home, etc. It might just be that she had to shut off her emotions in order to avoid getting hurt more. The romance stories are able to touch those emotions and release them in a safe environment so she can experience the feelings without the circumstances in her own life. But if it WERE to be real .. just thinking, she may subconsciously connect deep emotion with pain .. doesn't matter if the emotions are good or bad .. I mean, it was weird how when I asked her why she likes to read and watch but wouldn't want it for real, she said, "If it happened to me it would be sad." She admitted that she couldn't really explain it but maybe this is why.

Anyone have an echo on this?
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Alot of that sounds fairly plausible
and if she had a rough time when younger it may be why she dosen't feel that need or maybe thinks she dosen't deserves it. Also it may be the reason why she had wanted to stay at her house more on your visit you talked about on the other post. she may have wanted to push you way a little becasue it scared her or something. But I really have no idea
 
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jaim38

Well-known member
I read many romantic shoujo manga and watch romantic dramas, and the plot usually consists of love triangles (sometimes rectangles), lots of exaggerated drama which puts the main characters in unncessary misery, pain and suffering, bullying, and eventually happiness. But in real life, I don't want to put myself through any of this because I'm scared of getting hurt and feeling pain. Also, if I am caught in a love triangle or rectangle, I would freak out and don't know what to do.

You also have to ask yourself, why do men watch porn? Could it be that men are addicted to sex? And why do women watch chick flicks and rom coms? Could it be that women are addicted to love?
 
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JohnDee

Active member
You don't have to put in the effort to maintain a relationship with a book or movie, It's easier and less messy + you get a sense of satisfaction from it.
 
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