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Well, this may be a long thread to post, but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... I feel as if I'm dumber than the average human. In fact, thanks to my clumsiness and social awkwardness I was cursed with, I'm beginning to realize these are the main factors that drive people away. At first, they may find it cute I guess or they are willing to help me with something I'm stuck on (like if I didn't understand a question on some kind of instruction that I'm asked to do, even though it's obvious what I'm told to do). It's very hard to explain though. I think over time eventually, people tend to become annoyed by these "flaws" I have and talk to me in this tone of anger/annoyance after I have trouble understanding something or what they are telling me. It could be anything, such as forgetting to put something back where it belongs, accidentally spilling a cup of water/juice, not understanding my homework, stepping the back of someone's shoes by accident, not knowing how to fold paper bags properly, ect. I know I can think of more than that, but I know it's a lot of detail to go over.

The reason I say that I'm not as smart as people think, is because I'm not a very well educated person to begin with. It's kind of like when I read a book(especially an uninteresting long one), I tend to zone out for quite a while and other thoughts wander into my mind. I can't process information given to me very well. Not only that, but I lack good judgment as well and poor common sense. If you need a clearer way for me to explain, there's a whole list of examples I could mention:

1. I tend to walk into things without paying attention. A good example of this would be the day when I was with my sister and mother to go shopping at Target, we were walking straight down the sidewalk where the stop sign was RIGHT in front of me. And without notice, I bumped my head into it so clumsily. I felt so stupid, and my sister laughs and goes "you okay?" or something like that. I remember another time I walked towards the back door of my house and I think I bumped my head into it and my Dad just kind of laughed at me. I mean, I find this rather embarrasing than cute. I actually somehow was walking downstairs one day, and suddenly I slipped and flipped on my back and landed on the upper steps, which kinda hurt but it was such a clumsy thing of me to do. In my writer's group, I trip over chords/wires from my teacher's computer by accident sometimes, bumping into the chairs awkwardly, and even when I leave through the door, my backpack swings against the walls I think and it's like I left an awkward entrance. :/

2. I know I will never be in the same level/standards of intellectualism as Einstein/Stephen Hawking, but IQ I think is kind of low than it should be. What I mean is, I don't know a whole lot about everything in this world, even in school what teachers have taught me for so long, I seem to have forgotten almost everything I was required to know. Some people, especially my grandparents like to quiz me, asking me questions like " Do you know where England is located" (They like to quiz me on countries and states) They like to question me on politics, which I feel guilty for saying this, but I didn't yet take interest in that subject. And at times, I feel so pressured because they keep repeating themselves and sometimes will get the slightest bit annoyed when I stay quiet and try really hard to think. My parents are the same way. They say things like "Jamie, why is it hard for you to give a straight answer." "You should know these things by now." "It's not hard Jamie!" I can't help but just break down in tears because I feel expected to know the answers straight away, when most of the time I try really hard to think and to process down information slowly. I know it must disappoint my family because of my lack of knowledge of certain things anyone else is able to understand. And when I answer their questions incorrectly half of the time they ask me, they immediately get angry and they have to teach me how to solve a problem or open something I have trouble with in a very provoking tone. I'm not the smartest when it comes to Math, Science, History, Politics, Time, Labels, Money, ect. You know what, during my periods in school, I actually zoned out half of the time because I guess the things I was being taught I had no interest in learning and I am ashamed that I say that.

The only subject that could gain some of my interest in, was English/Writing. Obviously, I would be into this subject because I do like to write from time to time and read short stories/poems. This is the only subject I could ever find myself wanting learn more about. I know someone is going to find this pretty pathetic of me because I don't have any other insight/knowledge about other things in this world. I know right there, that person would think to themselves "How could she have made it this far without knowing almost anything in life?" "I can't communicate/be with someone who isn't on the same intellectualism as me" "This girl isn't very intelligent, you'd think she'd be smart even the most simplest things." I know if it were either being in a friendship with someone or a relationship, things would turn out badly in the end. I don't think a lot of people could bear to stick around with someone like me who doesn't have a lot going for her. There aren't many things I can discuss with others because I've been trapped in this prison house for years anyways, so if they only knew about my problems constantly, I'm pretty sure this would cause people to become more annoyed and more likely to stray away from me. I'd like to also state, that I am not very interesting to get to know in person and I can't hold decent conversations.

3. Another thing I'd like to add, is that yes, I did mention am an easily forgetful person, but I have poor judgement as well. My Dad once told me to pick up a half empty can of Pepsi that was littered in our backyard. So, I walked over and picked up the Pepsi can, and ignorantly held it upside down where the Pepsi liquid spilled on the ground. My Dad was pissed about and told me "That was lack of good judgement, Jamie! You should've been more careful!" This is why I said that people tend to become annoyed by my poor habits over time because if I continue to do these things constantly, it's bound to set people off. I didn't intentionally lift the Pepsi can upside down on purpose, but I guess I did so without thinking. I didn't even notice I held it upside down! I seem to anger a lot of people, if I do one little thing wrong, all hell starts to break loose. I once tore an envelope my Mother gave me in the car, and stupidly enough I thought it was for me so I tore it open. When she saw I did that, she yelled at me "No Jaime, that wasn't for you! ******* it!" And then she stomped back in the house to get another envelope. I just couldn't help but sit there and think what a stupid idiot I am. And that's not only the worst part, but my parents hold this as a grudge against me sometimes. My Dad even wouldn't speak to me sometimes because I forgot to lock the door to the basement, I forgot to plug in his Mp3 charger, I ripped up the paper towels by accident, I dropped food by accident on the floor, I didn't know how to solve a hard math problem, ect. He'd just sigh angrily and say "Thanks Jaime" Even my mother is like this too, but worse. I remember we were all in Subway, I had a bag of jalepeno potato chips and I offered some to my Dad, but my Mom was sitting across from him. When she noticed I didn't give her any, She went "Thanks Jaime" and then shook her head. I quickly offered her the chips, but I guess the damage was already done. The only reason I didn't want her to have these chips was because I know she isn't really into spicy foods, so giving her the bag of jalepeno chips I'm not sure if she could handle. And the rest of the day, she wouldn't even talk to me! I was trying to offer her some, but she goes "No, I don't want any." And then when I got out of the car, she goes "You have nothing to say Jaime. I don't like what you did back there." I can't believe this is all over stupid potato chips! I told her I was sorry, but she holds that as a grudge against me! To be honest, I wanted to cry so hard, but I'm 100% sure that would result to her yelling at me "Stop crying! You're too old for that!" It's impossible to please my family, no in fact it is extremely impossible for me to express any of my feelings/emotions towards them because I've always felt forbidden to do it. It's as if I'm bound to slip on any kind of tiny mistake, and people make it out to seem like it's something greater than it really is. I don't mean to do these things on purpose, I really do not try to provoke anyone because of my faults. I guess maybe this is what I get after all. Maybe there is a reason for these things to happen to me...


Alright, I think I'm done for now... and a message to everyone: Please don't become like me. I'm a sorry waste of existence, I've already been wallowing in my self pity enough, I don't want you all to feel sorry for me. This is what happens when I've kept my own feelings trapped inside me for so many years... I've had no place to vent them out but here. I'm not trying to be attention seeking, but I feel that maybe people need to know who I truly am. I don't expect any sympathy or comfort, but at least I just wanted for someone to listen to this thread. That's all for now.
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Old 03-01-2016
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FriendlyShadow View Post
Well, this may be a long thread to post, but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... I feel as if I'm dumber than the average human. In fact, thanks to my clumsiness and social awkwardness I was cursed with, I'm beginning to realize these are the main factors that drive people away. At first, they may find it cute I guess or they are willing to help me with something I'm stuck on (like if I didn't understand a question on some kind of instruction that I'm asked to do, even though it's obvious what I'm told to do). It's very hard to explain though. I think over time eventually, people tend to become annoyed by these "flaws" I have and talk to me in this tone of anger/annoyance after I have trouble understanding something or what they are telling me. It could be anything, such as forgetting to put something back where it belongs, accidentally spilling a cup of water/juice, not understanding my homework, stepping the back of someone's shoes by accident, not knowing how to fold paper bags properly, ect. I know I can think of more than that, but I know it's a lot of detail to go over.

The reason I say that I'm not as smart as people think, is because I'm not a very well educated person to begin with. It's kind of like when I read a book(especially an uninteresting long one), I tend to zone out for quite a while and other thoughts wander into my mind. I can't process information given to me very well. Not only that, but I lack good judgment as well and poor common sense. If you need a clearer way for me to explain, there's a whole list of examples I could mention:

1. I tend to walk into things without paying attention. A good example of this would be the day when I was with my sister and mother to go shopping at Target, we were walking straight down the sidewalk where the stop sign was RIGHT in front of me. And without notice, I bumped my head into it so clumsily. I felt so stupid, and my sister laughs and goes "you okay?" or something like that. I remember another time I walked towards the back door of my house and I think I bumped my head into it and my Dad just kind of laughed at me. I mean, I find this rather embarrasing than cute. I actually somehow was walking downstairs one day, and suddenly I slipped and flipped on my back and landed on the upper steps, which kinda hurt but it was such a clumsy thing of me to do. In my writer's group, I trip over chords/wires from my teacher's computer by accident sometimes, bumping into the chairs awkwardly, and even when I leave through the door, my backpack swings against the walls I think and it's like I left an awkward entrance. :/

This sort of thing happens to everyone but some of us feel more foolish about it than we should. It could be that you have some teenage awkwardness (I'm assuming your age)or you wear glasses which block your peripheral vision or people leave stuff in the way. The bottom line is don't take it as a deficiency in yourself, don't over emphasize it

2. I know I will never be in the same level/standards of intellectualism as Einstein/Stephen Hawking, but IQ I think is kind of low than it should be. What I mean is, I don't know a whole lot about everything in this world, even in school what teachers have taught me for so long, I seem to have forgotten almost everything I was required to know. Some people, especially my grandparents like to quiz me, asking me questions like " Do you know where England is located" (They like to quiz me on countries and states) They like to question me on politics, which I feel guilty for saying this, but I didn't yet take interest in that subject. And at times, I feel so pressured because they keep repeating themselves and sometimes will get the slightest bit annoyed when I stay quiet and try really hard to think. My parents are the same way. They say things like "Jamie, why is it hard for you to give a straight answer." "You should know these things by now." "It's not hard Jamie!" I can't help but just break down in tears because I feel expected to know the answers straight away, when most of the time I try really hard to think and to process down information slowly. I know it must disappoint my family because of my lack of knowledge of certain things anyone else is able to understand. And when I answer their questions incorrectly half of the time they ask me, they immediately get angry and they have to teach me how to solve a problem or open something I have trouble with in a very provoking tone. I'm not the smartest when it comes to Math, Science, History, Politics, Time, Labels, Money, ect. You know what, during my periods in school, I actually zoned out half of the time because I guess the things I was being taught I had no interest in learning and I am ashamed that I say that.

The only subject that could gain some of my interest in, was English/Writing. Obviously, I would be into this subject because I do like to write from time to time and read short stories/poems. This is the only subject I could ever find myself wanting learn more about. I know someone is going to find this pretty pathetic of me because I don't have any other insight/knowledge about other things in this world. I know right there, that person would think to themselves "How could she have made it this far without knowing almost anything in life?" "I can't communicate/be with someone who isn't on the same intellectualism as me" "This girl isn't very intelligent, you'd think she'd be smart even the most simplest things." I know if it were either being in a friendship with someone or a relationship, things would turn out badly in the end. I don't think a lot of people could bear to stick around with someone like me who doesn't have a lot going for her. There aren't many things I can discuss with others because I've been trapped in this prison house for years anyways, so if they only knew about my problems constantly, I'm pretty sure this would cause people to become more annoyed and more likely to stray away from me. I'd like to also state, that I am not very interesting to get to know in person and I can't hold decent conversations.

You don't have to take interest in topics that you don't like. You do know where your interest lies, so it is that that you need to pursue, you'll find that other interests develop as you get older. Alot of the things you learn at school you'll never get to use, so don't worry about forgetting it.

3. Another thing I'd like to add, is that yes, I did mention am an easily forgetful person, but I have poor judgement as well. My Dad once told me to pick up a half empty can of Pepsi that was littered in our backyard. So, I walked over and picked up the Pepsi can, and ignorantly held it upside down where the Pepsi liquid spilled on the ground. My Dad was pissed about and told me "That was lack of good judgement, Jamie! You should've been more careful!" This is why I said that people tend to become annoyed by my poor habits over time because if I continue to do these things constantly, it's bound to set people off. I didn't intentionally lift the Pepsi can upside down on purpose, but I guess I did so without thinking. I didn't even notice I held it upside down! I seem to anger a lot of people, if I do one little thing wrong, all hell starts to break loose. I once tore an envelope my Mother gave me in the car, and stupidly enough I thought it was for me so I tore it open. When she saw I did that, she yelled at me "No Jaime, that wasn't for you! ******* it!" And then she stomped back in the house to get another envelope. I just couldn't help but sit there and think what a stupid idiot I am. And that's not only the worst part, but my parents hold this as a grudge against me sometimes. My Dad even wouldn't speak to me sometimes because I forgot to lock the door to the basement, I forgot to plug in his Mp3 charger, I ripped up the paper towels by accident, I dropped food by accident on the floor, I didn't know how to solve a hard math problem, ect. He'd just sigh angrily and say "Thanks Jaime" Even my mother is like this too, but worse. I remember we were all in Subway, I had a bag of jalepeno potato chips and I offered some to my Dad, but my Mom was sitting across from him. When she noticed I didn't give her any, She went "Thanks Jaime" and then shook her head. I quickly offered her the chips, but I guess the damage was already done. The only reason I didn't want her to have these chips was because I know she isn't really into spicy foods, so giving her the bag of jalepeno chips I'm not sure if she could handle. And the rest of the day, she wouldn't even talk to me! I was trying to offer her some, but she goes "No, I don't want any." And then when I got out of the car, she goes "You have nothing to say Jaime. I don't like what you did back there." I can't believe this is all over stupid potato chips! I told her I was sorry, but she holds that as a grudge against me! To be honest, I wanted to cry so hard, but I'm 100% sure that would result to her yelling at me "Stop crying! You're too old for that!" It's impossible to please my family, no in fact it is extremely impossible for me to express any of my feelings/emotions towards them because I've always felt forbidden to do it. It's as if I'm bound to slip on any kind of tiny mistake, and people make it out to seem like it's something greater than it really is. I don't mean to do these things on purpose, I really do not try to provoke anyone because of my faults. I guess maybe this is what I get after all. Maybe there is a reason for these things to happen to me...
The people around you sound overly critical about minor things. This is a fault in them, not you. Most well-balanced parents wouldn't criticize their children for the things you described, you learn lessons by realising your own mistakes, not by being told like this. I sense that much of how you feel about yourself could be as a result of unnecessary criticisms directed at you.

Alright, I think I'm done for now... and a message to everyone: Please don't become like me. I'm a sorry waste of existence, I've already been wallowing in my self pity enough, I don't want you all to feel sorry for me. This is what happens when I've kept my own feelings trapped inside me for so many years... I've had no place to vent them out but here. I'm not trying to be attention seeking, but I feel that maybe people need to know who I truly am. I don't expect any sympathy or comfort, but at least I just wanted for someone to listen to this thread. That's all for now.

The fact that you wrote this long, coherent post shows that you have at least a good level of intelligence and that you have something to offer - it just seems that those around you don't yet see it. Try to recognise the negative self talk that happening and start to counter it with your own improved version
..........
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Your story kinda reminds me of this quote that went something like "if you judge a fish based on its ability to climb, it'll live its whole life thinking it is stupid". I cant say I know you very well, but from what you described, it sounds like you might be in your head so much (either from daydreaming or anxiety) that it puts you out of sync with everyone else. So you miss a ton of social cues and intolerant people treat it like blatant stupidity. And even if it was a learning disability, I dont think that translates to stupid. But anyways of all the things you did, you HAD a logical explanation as to why you did them, they just werent right. Its not like when you turned the Pepsi can upside down you thought the soda would magically stick inside the can and when your mom handed you that envelope you thought she was giving it to you. I constantly lose my car, miss appointments and wear my shirt on backwards if it makes you feel better lol.
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I can relate to most of what you said. I am shocked that other people don't view me as dumb, since I can't remember anything, and often feel like I have nothing to contribute to conversations.
However, the overly critical way in which people in your family talk to you is something that I have not experienced (my parents are critical of me, but not to that degree). I assume you live with them. Maybe some day when you get out on your own, things will change.
And, as everyone else has posted, everyone has clumsy and forgetful moments. I guess some people don't ruminate on it as much as others, which probably helps in viewing these events as minor in the grand scheme of life.
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