No conversational skill is to blame for my social phobia

recluse

recluse

Well-known member
Ok the reason why i am social phobic is because i have no clue what to say to people, i have never developed conversational skills and to get by in life that's a skill that is needed.

From when i remember when i was a kid i was much quieter and withdrawn in comparison to my school mates. I used to get teased about me being so quiet and withdrawn. I was a happy kid just that i wasn't a talker. As i have got older this lack of conversational skill is tormenting me, everyone around me seem normal and can converse with ease. When i went to college after school at the age of 16, a girl i shared a desk with commented ''You just don't know how to talk to people, you just don't know what to say to anyone''.......This comment hurt me like a thousand knives, and to this day i still hear this one comment because i am tormented by not knowing what to say to people. Why can't i be talkative? :cry:
 
Marie_knowsbestt

Marie_knowsbestt

Well-known member
ur clearly have conversationaly skills if you can construct a post. if it read 'kdnskdnsd aODSD SDSDNS SKLKLNDSAKDD SANDLFDDF' then i would see your point.
as for that girl, who cares? she probs dont remember it, therefore why should you? ive read quite a few of your posts, and u need to get out and about more, your not gonna become mr conversation of the year by sitting in your house. people who are good a talking, are so people they mix with alot of people, and do things to have something to talk about. even something like 'hmmm i really fancy some eggs' is a conversation starter, or just a one liner for people to say 'yeh' u ent gotta talk about the rights and wrong of the world or art for it to be a conversation, 9 times outa 10 people talk complete tripe. me and my mate do sound effects of tekan to eachother down the phone (like geeks) lol! it ent gotta be excellant.
jut get yourself out and about, concentrate on doing things, then you'll have things to say
 
D

Daz

Well-known member
I can relate to you recluse.

I can barely put 2 words together.

I want to be an active poster on this board instead of sitting here on this site for the past 3-4 years reading about other peoples problems.

I just don't have anything to input i feel :cry:
 
A

aj

Well-known member
What I find doesn't help is that when you are talking to people in real life, there are a million different funny ways that people say things. Even down to 'hi ya' or 'see ya' (and that can get really quite odd when they're on the phone to friends). You don't say exactly what you'd say here. This is much more like writing a book or something, and you have time to think about it too.
 
Argamemnon

Argamemnon

Well-known member
Pinker said:
The only way to become more talkative is to adopt the 'fuck it and do it anyway' attitude. Don't think about what you're saying or going to say, just say it.
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If I do that, I just start mumbling bullshit, and the person I'm talking to thinks I'm a retard. It happened yesterday!!
 
autumn_82

autumn_82

Well-known member
aj said:
What I find doesn't help is that when you are talking to people in real life, there are a million different funny ways that people say things. Even down to 'hi ya' or 'see ya' (and that can get really quite odd when they're on the phone to friends). You don't say exactly what you'd say here. This is much more like writing a book or something, and you have time to think about it too.
Click to expand...

Which is why writing and chatting are easier for me. I don't have to come up with things on the spur of the moment when writing. I feel safe because I can edit myself, decreasing the risk of saying something strange.
 
PhantomPod

PhantomPod

Well-known member
I am the very same way, recluse.

And it is really tormenting me as well. Especially as of late. I just started a new job and I have been there for two months now, and I feel as though I have gotten nowhere in terms of trying to get to know people.

My main problem is especially that I do not know how to start conversations. If people start a conversation with me, I can do alright in terms of making small talk, but if I have something to say to someone, I do not know how to just simply say it. It takes me forever to come up with an opening line for a conversation I want to have.

But yeah, I don't know what to say to people. It truly is as simple as that. I am just such an awkward person when it comes to conversing.

I really do feel like I simply never learned how to communicate properly. I feel as though I am always observing others trying to see how it's done.

I bought this book:
http://www.bordersstores.com/search...small+talk+savvy&mediaType=1&srchType=Keyword

I don't know if you guys have Borders book stores in the UK though. And the book may only be available there. The book has helped me a little bit, but I still find that my mind completely blanks and I can't even think of any of the helpful tips from the book when I'm talking to someone.[/i]
 
Carstuar

Carstuar

Well-known member
I'm the same. My social anxiety isn't severe at all, but I suck too much at keeping a conversation going, and I find most people's interests and topics boring.
 
recluse

recluse

Well-known member
Marie_knowsbestt said:
ur clearly have conversationaly skills if you can construct a post. if it read 'kdnskdnsd aODSD SDSDNS SKLKLNDSAKDD SANDLFDDF' then i would see your point.
as for that girl, who cares? she probs dont remember it, therefore why should you? ive read quite a few of your posts, and u need to get out and about more, your not gonna become mr conversation of the year by sitting in your house. people who are good a talking, are so people they mix with alot of people, and do things to have something to talk about. even something like 'hmmm i really fancy some eggs' is a conversation starter, or just a one liner for people to say 'yeh' u ent gotta talk about the rights and wrong of the world or art for it to be a conversation, 9 times outa 10 people talk complete tripe. me and my mate do sound effects of tekan to eachother down the phone (like geeks) lol! it ent gotta be excellant.
jut get yourself out and about, concentrate on doing things, then you'll have things to say
Click to expand...

Typing on here is different to actually having a real conversation, i can have time to think what i want to say. When i am in the company of others my mind goes blank.

I have hobbies but i still can't think of anything to say.
 
coriander1992

coriander1992

Well-known member
I find the best thing to do is to imitate other people's ways of starting, maintaining and ending conversations.

For example, i'll watch the way my parents will talk to a friend in the street and notice their body language and the words they use, and the tone in which they say them.

It makes you feel stupid sometimes when you're almost acting when talking to someone, but if you keep practising and observing, it starts to sink in and become more natural.
 
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
that was also my biggest problem before. But then I realized that it became a problem because I'm too conscious of wanting to have a conversation. So I gradually changed my attitude: If I don't know what to say or I'm not really interested to that particular conversation, then I don't have to talk. Because I'll only get anxiety thinking of words to say.

But if a moment comes that you have something to say. My advice is: to just say it! Don't think of a good opening... just say it. Because that's what i observed with the talkative people. LOL
 
ForeverBlue

ForeverBlue

Active member
I feel EXACTLY the same way. I am not too bad if I am with someone who I feel comfortable with and who is a great talker and I can just add bits in here and there. I tend to feel more relaxed with those type of people (though they are very few) so my mind doesn't go blank and I can talk a bit. But with other people I just avoid talking or avoid situations where I would have to talk. A good example is at work, there are some new girls that started. In the canteen I just shove my head in a magazine to avoid talking while they are chatting away like they have been best friends forever. I am sure if I made more of an effort and got involved in their conversation I might have been fine but I didn't try as I just couldn't be bothered.
I think alot of it comes down to self-confidence and not having a fear of being judged. Then you would feel more safe in talking.
But like you, my mind goes blank and I struggle to think of things to say. If I had the knack for small talk I would be a very happy person. Then I wouldn't have to avoid life like I do.
 
prince182

prince182

Member
i never talk when iam around groups of people unless iam drunk then i dont care what i say and i actually have a lot of fun because i have social anxiety and i feel like nobody likes me, but when iam drunk its fun and i make people laugh and i talk alot.
 
billy

billy

Well-known member
Hey recluse i feel your struggle. Im a 17 year old who cant conversate at all either. i dropped out of school due to depression/lack of self esteem when i was 13 or so. So pretty much for 4 years ive been at home only talking with my family and computer games. Ive lost the most important years for my to learn how to socialize:( and conversate. I really am as interesting as a wall right now. Its really tormenting i tried going out with an old friend and i was literally quiet the whole time i had nothing to attribute to conversation. i just dont know where to start,i have no humor i cant come up with anything at all or tell stories. And because of my anxiety sometimes i talk really fast when talking with someone that i cant even be understood. Whenever someone tries to start a convo with me i kill it instantly with me trying to talk and it makes a akward silence alot of the time
 
Deus_Ex_Lemur

Deus_Ex_Lemur

Well-known member
wingcharm said:
that was also my biggest problem before. But then I realized that it became a problem because I'm too conscious of wanting to have a conversation. So I gradually changed my attitude: If I don't know what to say or I'm not really interested to that particular conversation, then I don't have to talk. Because I'll only get anxiety thinking of words to say.

But if a moment comes that you have something to say. My advice is: to just say it! Don't think of a good opening... just say it. Because that's what i observed with the talkative people. LOL
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I must agree with this poster, although I'd be a hypocrite if I said I did that consistently... I fret over thinking of what to say - so much - I never can say it. And when I got it, it's either too late or I psych myself out of saying it, or how to say it. "No that's stupid" or "remember don't come off this way like you always do..." etc. I always am in amazement when people converse so naturally and seemingly effortlessly and have tons to say and make so many connections, and I can't. I feel like a horse and buggy on a NASCAR speedway. I can't keep up.

And when I do tell a story or something cool, my organization of it or enthusiasm is - lacking - too worried how I am giving it, if I remember everything, and my mind is NOT on the story itself, it all goes catawompus. Truth is, experience and practice helps like anything, exposure. But also how your thought process works, I expend so much energy and anxiety thinking OF me thinking I suck and conversing, and what to say ... so you blank and avoid such. But I''ve been trying to just say it if I got something to say and let what happen happen me sound however I'll sound - but it's hard to not care =) Unless of course your drunk as a skunk. Or Lemur =)
 
VioletTears

VioletTears

Well-known member
I have no conversational skills, either.

If I just said what first came to mind it would go something like, "I'm scared to talk to you. I can't relate to you at all. I feel like you're looking down at me and thinking how stupid I am. I'm so depressed and I hate pretending to be happy like you because I'm not."

No way in hell would I actually say that though, lol!

So I pretty much have to be fake to be accepted but it's hard to put on that act all the time...
 
Zarrix

Zarrix

Well-known member
Trying to copy 'conversational' skills and body language imo is a bad idea, but one that we have no choice but to resort to. Most people don't give two rats about how their voice sounds in a normal converation, or whether their arms are in a certain position. Trying to copy robotic methods only reinforces the fact that we are too self conscious for our own good. There is not a method to this madness, but rather it is chained by our past, and it is very hard unfortuantely to release these chains.
 
recluse

recluse

Well-known member
BreakingFree said:
Recluse, pardon my inquisitiveness but is that a picture of you? If
so you are quite dashing!
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Yes it is, and you are really kind to give that compliment. The anxiety i suffer from is the only thing that stops me from leading a normal life, i mean i have never had a girlfriend :cry:
 
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