New here, just curious??

allergic2kryptonit

Active member
Hey everyone!
I'm new here. Just wondering if anyone can relate. Here's my story (abreviated of course):
Have some bad memories from early childhood (mostly involve my dad), was afraid to go to school. Social anxiety all the way through school, few friends, insecurity, low self esteem. In my twenties, I drank a lot to quell my anxiety, had bad relationships with the wrong kind of girls. I never felt that I deserved what I wanted. Now I'm in my early 30s, and I'm very depressed. Up until a couple years ago, I didn't even know what social anxiety was. Within the last couple of years, I've read a lot of self help and psychology books, but that awareness hasn't changed much of anything. I started taking zoloft a couple years ago for depression, and for the first time in my life I felt like I had some self-esteem. So then I got more depressed thinking about how I've lived the wrong way for so long, did things I'm ashamed of, let people use me, etc. Well, I managed to get it together enough to get into a real relationship - for a while. Then my fragile self esteem and insecurity kicked in and she went running for the hills. I'm broken hearted, depressed, and I've been neurotically searching for answers to what's wrong with me!! I just started therapy for the first time, but the guy I'm seeing doesn't seem to grasp the extent of my long-standing (lifetime) of problems!!!

So now I'm wondering, does this sound like just a bad case of social anxiety, undiagnosed (and unempathized by my parents when I was a kid) - or - do I have borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia or something else!??
Anyone have any insights??
 

Tryin

Well-known member
hi,

well i can not make any diagnoses for you, yet from what you've written it sounds me like aa undiagnosed SP. whatever your problem is, just remember you are not alone in it and try to get help - if your therapist isn't able to help you, go see another one.

wish you luck
 

Alexp

Well-known member
Hi and welcome,

Just a few thoughts. First, I would definately consider chaning the psychologist / therapist if you dont feel its working for you. It can be difficult to find the right one, but its worth the effort if you do.

From what you've written, much of it sounds like alot of guilt issues which is fueling the depression. Certainly not uncommon though. First off, I would recommend that you stop trying to accept all these bad things about yourself - if you are. You may feel guilty about recent things or things further in the past, but the guilt is designed to motivate you to change and be a better person. When you start to accept that you are a bad person or do / did bad things or you cant do such and such, it will continually fuel the depression and sadness as you constantly try to accept harsh realities about yourself.

Accept that your not perfect ...it could be that your perception of yourself is unrealistic and causing many of the root problems. Everyone has done things they dont like all the time..you have to allow for imperfection and tell yourself that its okay to be imperfect. This will help lower the guilt and help let go of the past too.

Perhaps you feel like you are constantly changing your thoughts about yourself or the world around you? One minute you hate yourself..the next you think you've done alright? If so, this wavering is causing the constant cycle of guilt accepting and depression in my opinion.

Feel free to post more information, its difficult to know exactly what the problem is with very little information.

Email if you would like.

Alex
 

allergic2kryptonit

Active member
Thanks for the responses.

Alex, after reading your reply, I think that a lot of my depression is guilt driven. Also, I'm still feeling sad about my recent break-up. But that mostly just precipitated this rumination over all of my failings past and present - most of which were based on anxiety!

I don't just have guilt and shame for things I've done, but I still feel guilty about sex. I was guilted about it as a kid, and that feeling is still with me - even though rationally I know better. So what's up with that??

I've been reading about core beliefs lately, and I think they play a major role in how you live your life. Anyone know about these??
Anyway, for example, I realize now that I lived most of my life with the core beliefs that my parents didn't love me, I'm worthless and flawed, I'm bad, etc. And that's exactly how I acted!! These notions were formed in me as a young boy due to circumstances, and they just perpetuated themselves. I wonder if that isn't the basis for most of my problems today?!?

Anyone with any insight into this??

So now I'm looking for information on affirmations and retraining the subconscious mind, because that is where core beliefs reside. I have been obsessively searching the net lately, looking for answers, but invarialbly just raising more questions and driving myself nuts. So, if anyone has any insights or info into what I'm talking about here, your input is greatly appreciated!!
 

Alexp

Well-known member
Hi again,

Makes alot of sense actually and I see this alot with people. Ive also had many of the same issues. I think you are on the right track in trying to change your core beliefs - not an easy task, but extremely important if you wish to stop the guilt and depression.

Probably alot of the guilt you are feeling is that your core beliefs are in conflict with normal human behavoir and you cant fix the guilt because the core beliefs are unrealistic. So its going to cycle non stop.

Maybe you think sex before marriage or promiscious sex is bad in your mind, yet your body thinks its not and in end you may end up doing what your body wants, but at the cost of guilt and subsequent depression.

Many times its easier to accept that you are dirty and bad then to be consumed by the guilt. Essentially you can covert guilt into depression and sadness by accepting you are a bad / dirty person or whatever is is that is making you feel guilty. But it doenst have to be that way. In my opinion, for anyone in this situation, we have to change our perceptions of ourselves or our unrealistic core beliefs.

Lets take sex for an example, its my thinking that sex is almost never evil, its perfectly normal human behavoir in any context...if it doesnt hurt anyone, then why would it be evil? if you use sex to hurt someone (rare case) then it could be considered evil..but not by itself.

Its a viscious cycle of the mind...basically what is happening is your mind is that you are trying to use the guilt to change your behavoir because of the unrealistic core belief...however we still do things because we are human like everyone else..and we just cant stop the guilt (cause we cant meet our core beliefs) so we start to accept that we are worthless and dirty and bad...and we get depressed. Eventually you stabalize and realize you arent quite as bad...but that just sets us up to feel the guilt and depression all over again.

The key many times in this situation is to allow that we are human...we are not evil or dirty or bad...we are human

Hopefully this helps a bit or anyone else who experiencing some of the same issues and hopefully I didnt ramble too much..

Alex
 

allergic2kryptonit

Active member
:p yea, so now that i'm finally starting to realize about my nasty little core beliefs, i just need to figure out how to change them :?
shouldn't be easy....
 
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