My Painful Past Still Hurts

skygazer

Member
Hi,
i am a 25 year old working in a respectable well paying job
As a child, i was deprived of lot of things that a normal child deserves.
Firstly , my mother passed away when i was 5 years old. After that i was forced to live with my abusive and apathic grandparents. They were by nature rude and abusive and were constantly picking up fights in the neighbourhood. My needs were never fulfilled and my feelings and opinions were never respected. On the top of it, they used to make up stories about my bad behaviour.They hated me because i was a liability for them.
I protested and cried and raised my voice against my ill treatment. But they did not seem to even acknowledge my existence. I always wanted to vent my anger and helplessness to my father. But he stayed in a far off town and visited my grandparents only thrice in a year. I never got a chance to speak with him but i knew he would be upset with me if i spoke to him about this.
In school, i met many boys and girls who were by nature good.But I was very uncomfortable in their presence as they were all rich and were privileged with parental affection.They had their own families who loved and cared and fulfilled all their wants. I felt embarrased to mingle with them as i knew i will never live a happy life like them. At times i used to imagine about my life if my mom were alive.

I still remember how my uncle used to abuse me and hit me hard on my face. He used to say that you were not born to your mother but you were picked up from the roadside dumpster. It was extremely painful for me to cope with this and i used to cry my heart out in a lonely corner of that house where no one saw me crying.
My elder sister was fortunate in this matter, he stayed only 2 years or so with me at my grandparent's house. She got to stay with my father most of the time. She never understood my chagrin and continuosly ridiculed me for my grumpy and seemingly idiotic behaviour.

The aftereffects of this kind of unstable and threatening atmosphere are terrible and even after 8years when i started living in a normal environment, i am severely disabled. I have many problems like below
1) Severe lack of self esteem and self confidence
2) Totally dysfunctional social life
3) Unable to create emotional attachment with people and events
4) Lack of interest in all good things in life

I feel that i cannot operate normally in society becoz my upbringing was full of deprivation. I dont want to let anyone know about my weak points and harm me using that.
 

Marie_knowsbestt

Well-known member
hey, firstly i just want to say that your story really touched me, and i think concidering how u had a ver hard start in life, not many people in your position would have that good wel payed job, and made something of themselves, so your already a cutt above some! and u should be really proud of yourself!
what you need to know is that you did not deserve how u were treated by your family! no child deserves that, and its not your fault, never have and never will deserve that,

i think the question you now need to ask yourself is.

whats differnt now to then?
how have i changed?
where do i wanna go with my life?
and how do i get there?

its never going to be easy to recover from your past, you may never forgive and forget it, theres things ive seen that ill never forgive and forget, and they have damaged my self esteem too, but you can make it easier by living in the preasent and future rather than the past.

the people i always respect most r those who had it hardest, but went the furthest!

i would maybe see a theropist to talk over your past and make sense of it in your head, no not because your nutts, but because tbh if we all has a theropist we would all be alot more happier! maybe get them to work with you on building your self esteem and goal setting. coz by the sounds of it, you already have a good frame of mind where you want to be a winner not a victim. and thats uausly the hardest part to achive!!!

i wish you all the best, and i really hope you have the life you deserve, i really do xxxx
 

skygazer

Member
thanks marie for your kind words.. Believe me you are the first one who seem to care about me.. No one in this world cares if im alive or dead. Even my parents live quite confortably and happy without me.

I am inturn very indifferent to peeople in general. I am always watchful of myself and scrutinize my involvement with others in general.
Emotional people are weak and get dumped easily.Being emotional will create unnecessary attachments and bondage and its difficult to get over when they break. I love kids though, my younger cousins and my little neice are very important to me.

There are some more things i have observed about myself
1) I never take the same route while going home from work
2) I never dine at the same restaurant in a row coz i dont want the staff to remember me
3) I am highly secretive about my interests and my preferences.
4) I prefer people to mind their own business and leave me alone.
5) I watch people around me and when they are laugh , i suspect they are making fun of me and plotting against me.

There are some more behaviour traits of me that i would like to talk about but i need to observe carefully.

Based on all the things that i mentioned, can you figure out a solution?.. please let me know.
Also i have taken a test at this link i found that my symptoms are close to a schyzoid personality.
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
 

terrified

Well-known member
Hi skygazer,

Thank you for your honest story.

I had similar situation in that I had to defend myself for my survivor at tender age. Only difference is that I had a younger brother. He helped me survive a day to day because I wanted to set a good example for him. He depended on me as a child depended on his parents. I knew that if I fall, he'll too.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not all good either. I have suffered from Post Trauma Stress Disorder most of my life. My social phobia is so bad and also associated with my Trauma that I usually avoid any social situation including going to grocery stores as much as possible.

What have helped me is seeing a great therapist. Currently I'm seeing a therapist who specialize in Trauma and EMDR treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Phobia, Addictions, and such.

What has also helped me is having a family of my own. What is great about my own family is that they are not my crazy parents who want to use me and abuse me. Although my own family is not perfect, they love me for who I am.

You should really consider starting a family or close friendship where you feel loved and trusted. That's how you could be healed from your wounds. The healing do not come from logics but from fulfilling what has been missing in your life - unconditional love and support. It's basic need all human beings need and when we don't get it especially at such a young age, we don't feel well. We feel sick and angry inside.

Anyhow, I'm from south korea and your grand parents sound like south korean. Is that right?

You don't have to answer the last question if you don't want to. I was just curious.

I hope any of these could be any help or comfort to you.
 

skygazer

Member
terrified said:
Hi skygazer,
I had similar situation in that I had to defend myself for my survivor at tender age. Only difference is that I had a younger brother. He helped me survive a day to day because I wanted to set a good example for him. He depended on me as a child depended on his parents. I knew that if I fall, he'll too.
i wish my elder sis was like you.. :(

terrified said:
You should really consider starting a family or close friendship where you feel loved and trusted. That's how you could be healed from your wounds. The healing do not come from logics but from fulfilling what has been missing in your life - unconditional love and support. It's basic need all human beings need and when we don't get it especially at such a young age, we don't feel well. We feel sick and angry inside.
the problem with me is that no matter how good and well meaning a person is ,the hurt boy in me can kick him/her out of my life whenever he takes over. I feel that being involved with some loving person will bring her nothing but frustration and anger. Somebody has to be out of his mind to love and indulge with a person like me..

And anyway south korea or india, we are still asians right.. I am not surprised that you assumed i am from your country.. haha
 

terrified

Well-known member
Hi skygazer,

The reason I thought that you might be from south korea was what your grandparents said to you. They told you that they picked you up under a bridge. I don't think Western parents say that to their children. I heard that a lot when I was growing up. I figured it is Korean thing but turns out other Asian people say that same thing.

By the way, if you ask my brother, he would tell you that being my brother has not been easy either. Still, it is very sweet of you to say that.

Anyhow, you sounds like mature young man who want to do the right thing. Have you thought about seeking counseling?
 

dyingtolive

Well-known member
i can relate

i can relate. i didn't have a good childhood and have lots of anger. i share the same behavior as u.

1) Very ashamed of my own interests
2) paranoid ppl are laughing
3) Eat in diff. places Doesnt want to be remembered!
4) takes diff. routes

Doesnt enjoy life or has Guilt if faced with an enjoyable option.
I can no longer do the things that I loved becoz i feel guilt.

We are the same in many ways

I took tests before and they targeted that Schizoid personality is also my personality. but then i took again after a while and its avoidant personality , and then now, i think just more, social anxiety & general anxiety, and paranoia... Oh well... i dont think it even matters...
 

Sufferwell

Member
skygazer I'm sorry you had to go through such difficulty. Think how strong you are to have survived. I think that your reactions to people and interactions now are understandable--the things you endured would make anyone wary and cautious.

I'm also wondering how to begin the journey to recovery (and if it's even possible). Good luck to you.
 

skygazer

Member
Sufferwell said:
skygazer I'm sorry you had to go through such difficulty. Think how strong you are to have survived. I think that your reactions to people and interactions now are understandable--the things you endured would make anyone wary and cautious.

I'm also wondering how to begin the journey to recovery (and if it's even possible). Good luck to you.

Its possible.. i believe it is possible.. But with help of a external observer. Its like you cant turn back and watch your own arse. :) We schizoids are proud and egoistic, we need to giveup the huge ego and seek honest feedback from people no matter how harsh it is..

People around me say that im always lost in my own world and have no interest in the so called worldly desires :) .. But i know from within that im not like that.. so i just laugh them off in good humour..
I get a feeeling that im living in a deep dark shaft which was very comfortable and safe sometime back but now i feel the need of coming out in the open sun and deal with the world around me.. But the pent up anger and beliefs prevent me from doing it..
There are very breif moments when im totally different person.. I am very outgoing and fun-loving at such times. But most of the time, im deeply in introspection.. I remember my unfair past and fall back into the deep dark lonely shaft..
I look around and find many people who are enjoying life.. I feel sorry for them becoz they are running after false illusions. At certain point of time in their life, they will suffer and weep blooody tears.. And they dont want to be fully prepared for that suffering..

I hate celebrating birthdays coz noone in this world cares about anyone's birthday. Whats the point in celebrating your birthday, its like any other day in your life.. I hate the things people do to be happy.. I hate travelling, i hate visiting and calling friends, i hate social gatherings and cultural festivals.. I hate any happiness that comes from the outer material world.. i have raised my bar permanently..
 

skygazer

Member
Re: i can relate

dyingtolive said:
i can relate. i didn't have a good childhood and have lots of anger. i share the same behavior as u.

1) Very ashamed of my own interests
2) paranoid ppl are laughing
3) Eat in diff. places Doesnt want to be remembered!
4) takes diff. routes

Doesnt enjoy life or has Guilt if faced with an enjoyable option.
I can no longer do the things that I loved becoz i feel guilt.

We are the same in many ways

I took tests before and they targeted that Schizoid personality is also my personality. but then i took again after a while and its avoidant personality , and then now, i think just more, social anxiety & general anxiety, and paranoia... Oh well... i dont think it even matters...
welcome my brother/sister.. we can discuss and solve our problems together.. gr8 to know about you..!!
 
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