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Old 3 Weeks Ago
 

It's been over a decade since I've used this site, I had to recreate my password. But Im glad to be back. I remember I was 16 when i created this account, now I'm 26. I really appreciate all the happy birthdays from SPW, too. I thought I would change after a decade but apparently like everyone: my childhood transfers into my adulthood. Overall, I feel like I have progressed somewhat with my social phobia but I am still AVOIDING many situations and personalities.

I'm just gonna vent about my issue:

- Below is my childhood background. I will border it to indicate it. --You can skip over and scroll to the bottom if you dont got time to read my childhood and back story****please read if you care though...-----
__________________________________________________ ______
I'm a 26 year old black man. Ever since I was (young 6-11 years old), I knew that I was different. I was raised by a single mother most of my life and my step dad was on and off with my mom. I simply did not take interest in many things that my 2 brothers liked. They liked basketball and wrestling and video games. I tried baseball, basketball and karate as a kid but eventually quit all sports. When I played with other boys I used to get upset when we would fight all the time so after a while I just stop playing with the boys in my neighborhood and started playing with the girls. I just hated getting punched in the stomach for no reason. It just was stupid to me. Somteimes I would still play with boys too, but mostly cards or Pokemon.

Eventually, I became comfortable playing jump rope and just talking to girls about anything. I went through a phase where I like playing with girls hair. I used to help them put colorful beads in their hair. One of the after school YMCA counselors snitched and told my mom. So, my step dad told them I'm not allowed to play in girls hair anymore. Nevertheless I still played girl games and hung out with them. When they made me mad I would just play by myself. I became very fascinated with arts and crafts too.

During summer camp at the YMCA, when I was 7 years old I had two bullies: Kaleb and Dominque. They both were like 12 or 13 years old. Kaleb was white with brown hair. Dominique was a black. It's very funny how I remember their names after all these years from only two months at summer camp. I remember Domique used to throw a ball at Kaleb in the gym and say it was me, then Kaleb would hit me. I remember crying and hiding under the bleachers in the gym for 3 hours to avoid them most days. I remember them bullying me for being different and trying to drown me in the pool. This incident alone changed how I viewed the world. The world was cruel to me. They didn't show me any respect and they never gave me a break.

While I was at camp, I also remember there was 2 white girls who hated me to. They falsely accused me twice of grabbing their boobs. I felt embarrassed and humiliated and it forever changed my opinion on girls and women. When I got old enough to date girls I was always living in fear that I would be accused of rape if I kissed a girl. I just watched porn and stayed single. When my parents asked me if I had a girl friend I would either lie or just be honest and say no.
-----Background part 2-----
When I was 11 years old--on the brink of ****rty, my mom moved me to Arizona to lived with my biological father. Apart of me felt that she was just overwhelmed with being a sinlge mom after my stepdad left her. But as I got older I thought maybe she wanted me to live with my father.

When I moved with my father--he was married to a woman named Teressa aka Terry. They both had two kids: 1 boy and 1 girl. So I had 2 younger siblings by their marriage. Also, in the house was 4 older girls. 2 of those girls was from my dad's previous marriage and the other 2 girls was from my step mom's previous marriage. Altogether, I had 5 sisters and 1 baby brother in the house. Imagine the level of estrogen in that house!

My dad was a good father and provider for all of his kids. He taught me how to pull weeds from the lawn, lay new grass, and cut grass and other yard work. He taught me how to lift weights too. What I hated about my dad the most was that he was physically abusive and I was intimidated of him all the time. He beat his wife 2 times (that I know of). When he felt I was being "soft" he would punch me in my chest so hard that I would fall to the ground. He was always trying to make me "man up and be hard". When people see me they dont understand why I look mean or have RestingBitchface--it's because of my dad. He made me into what I am to day. After frowning and glaring , so much my face will forever look like I'm mad all the time. My facial expression is one of the things that creates a barrier between me making friends or just people liking me at all.

My dad was a sports man. He coached basketball, football and track/field. I ran track and field which I liked. I was good at the high jump because I was tall. When I got to the 7th grade, I played football. I was not that good at football but I did it for one season just to make my dad happy. At the end of 7th grade, something happened that forever changed my life. I don't remember exactly what happened but my dad was so upset that he punched me in my chest harder than ever. I think it was about the 3rd or 4th time that he hit me so hard. I called my mom and told her that I wanted to go home. I told her everything that happened. When I left my fathers house--i was forever changed. Every time I crossed paths with a man older than me or even another teenage boy that looked stronger than me--it was like I was always intimidated to speak to them or interact with them. I didn't want to upset them and just get beat up all over again. All through middle school and highschool--i would just read Harry Potter books during my lunch break and avoid all the kids at my school. I just didn't want to be apart of their world. I wanted to be safe and free of all conflicts.

**************the end********
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From being rasied around girls and not being around other boys and men---I sometimes feel girly and feminine. Actually, I am. I'm not overly feminine or over the top with it but people notice subtle feminine traits.

When people first see me they think that I'm a regular straight guy because I look hard and tough. But the issue is, I walk and talk girly. From time to time I try to add necessary base to change my voice--which I'm getting better at, however everybody notices that I walk girly. I totally hate the way I walk and it is the #1 thing that irritates me at work. The customers really give me a hard time about it. They don't whisper but talk out loud about how girly I walk. These last couple of months it seems to have gotten worse. I guess as I age closer to 30 years old my girly walk becomes more noticeable. I've read advice on the internet and watched Youtube videos on how to walk more manly but when I try to walk manly---I always end up walking like a duck and everybdoy laughs at me and say I walk so gay.

My parents and friends tell me to just accept it but I don't think I can continue to be criticized on how I walk. Just imagine if it was YOU. How would you like it if people criticized you as soon as you walk towards them or walk into a room. It sucks. The only reason why I feel people give me a hard time is because I look manly but the way I walk does not MATCH the way I LOOK/Appear..

What is your take on it am I being too hard on myself? I think if I didn't walk girly that I wouldn't be so socially awkward and avoid people--because I'm alwaysafraid they'll laugh at me. Iyt's gotten to the point where I just wear headsets when I walk in public and go grocery shopping.
Lonely24/7 is offline  
Old 3 Weeks Ago
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I swear... there should be an entrance exam to become a parent. So many ****ed up people out there that have no idea what they're doing.

I agree that you should embrace your gait. If it bothers you that much pick someone's walk that you want to emulate and practice at home in front of a mirror or camera til you get it right, then start to do it in public.
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Old 3 Weeks Ago
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miserum View Post
I swear... there should be an entrance exam to become a parent. So many ****ed up people out there that have no idea what they're doing.
This.
I've always thought people should have to undertake courses and get a license of sorts to be parents, so many unfit parents in the world who dont deserve their kids.
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Miserum (3 Weeks Ago)
Old 3 Weeks Ago
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i think you're definitely being too hard on yourself. to some extend you have to just get accustomed to being able to laugh at yourself sometimes . last week I was pushing a cart full of empty meal trays on the 2nd tier of one of the solitary confinement units , all the trays fell off the cart and some of them even fell all the way down to the 1st floor. BOTH the other C.O.'s there AND the sergeant started laughing at me.....how did I react? I laughed it off and moved forward.


you should find something about he way you carry yourself that you DO like instead of dwelling so much on the things you DONT like....glass half full mentality!



also, sometimes Iv been doing pretty much every morning (before I go into work and get made fun of by criminals all day) is I remember to ONLY judge myself through the eyes of jesus. a lot of people judge themselves ENTIRELY by their peers and , worst of all, they judge themselves harshly by society's standards . no one is perfect so the whole WWJD is actually kind of hard but it keeps me on the right track and makes me want to become the best version of myself.


Just take a look at yourself and think: would jesus make fun of the way I walk?
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