Warning: The advice in this article is strictly the findings, observations and opinions of the author. This article does not attempt – in any way, shape or form – to diagnose, treat, or cure any medical illnesses. If at the completion of this guide you find you may have a serious physical or mental disorder, then please see a trained professional such as your local doctor or psychologist.
PART A: DEFINITIONS, SYMPTOMS, AND POTENTIAL “LIFE-ALTERING” EFFECTS OF SOCIAL ANXIETY
1. Definitions of Social Anxiety
• This will not be a discussion specifically directed toward Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), as it is defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), but the advice here may help those who have been diagnosed with this mental illness in the past.
• Instead, “social anxiety” here will be defined more generally as: any impairment in desirable functionality, behavior, or sense of enjoyment when interacting with others in social situations. This can include both a scientifically-defined “impairment in desirable functionality,” or, a self-defined “impairment in desirable functionality.”
2. Possible Symptoms of Social Anxiety [1]
PSYCHOLOGICAL
- Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation.
- Extreme fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you don’t know.
- Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations.
- Fear that you’ll act in ways that that will embarrass or humiliate yourself.
- Fear that others will notice that you’re nervous.
- Avoidance of social situations to a degree that limits your activities or disrupts your life.
PHYSICAL
- Pounding heart or tight chest
- Shaky voice
- Rapid breathing
- Sweating or hot flashes
- Upset stomach, nausea
- Dry mouth
- Trembling or shaking
- Muscle tension
- Blushing
- Dizziness, feeling faint
- Clammy hands
- Twitching
3. Potential “Life-Altering” Effects of Social Anxiety
Social anxiety, and other related social-related limitations, can play a major role in decreasing the quality of one’s life. As humans, we are in a biological disposition to be dependent on one another for both economic and psychological benefit. If one is not able to function successfully in these social environments then there is a good chance of experiencing feelings of loneliness, and even settling down for a lesser job than one could obtain with a stronger set of social skills. The implications of social anxiety can be subtle and glaringly apparent depending on the type of person and the situation. Some potential effects of social anxiety include:
• Hard time meeting new people, making friends or finding a life partner.
• Difficultly talking in front of groups of people or giving public speeches.
• Apprehension to share good ideas with friends, family and co-workers.
• Being teased or criticized.
• Low self-esteem.
• Inability to reach one’s maximum potential in life skills, or ability to do good in the world, due to unwillingness to ask for help from others.
• A weak immune system from stress or mild depression as a result of a lack of fulfilling relationships (making you more prone to illnesses).
• General unhappiness or dissatisfaction towards life and others.
This is, of course, only a brief outline of the possible symptoms and effects of social anxiety. As one may be able to tell, many of the symptoms/effects of social anxiety can become self-perpetuating, only causing one to snowball further into the downward spiral of social anxiety (and sometimes even into an episode of depression).
At this point, you should at least have a good idea what social anxiety and to what degree you may or may not have it. In truth, it is natural for most people to at least experience some kind of anxiety or stress in social situations – especially around strangers, figures of high authority, or in a novel and unfamiliar situation. If one find’s a hard time adapting to a particular environment (whether it be bars, clubs, the work place, school, clubs, church, etc) then it may be worth pursuing some strategies to help minimize these social limitations. The rest of this article is dedicated to some approaches to overcoming social anxiety that I have found to be particularly beneficial to both others and myself.
PART B: GUIDE TO LONG-TERM RECOVERY
You are probably already getting some inclination into aspects of your own social life that are affected by high levels of stress and anxiety. If not, congratulations – social anxiety is not a problem for you and you probably won’t find much use for the rest of this article. However, for those who have identified some problems caused by social anxiety then keep on reading. Hopefully you find some something of use.
1. Nature or nurture: To what extent is social anxiety genetic or learned?
The question of nature or nurture is always a big topic when it comes to discussing mental illnesses and disorders. At times, it can become a personal question as well.
When life gets troubling people often want to know: what is wrong with me? We always wish that it is something that is fixable, either on our own or with the help of a professional. But still, we worry about the dreaded possibility that perhaps, “I was born this way,” and there is nothing I can do about it.
Of course, even when we are born with a biological disadvantage nowadays there is always the hope that modern science and technology will be able to overcome in it. Researchers have estimated that the heritability of social anxiety disorder (SAD) is somewhere between 30-40% [2]. This is actual good news for most of us however, because this means that social anxiety is largely a learned behavior, therefore it can be unlearned and then replaced with a more sufficient life strategy towards social interactions. How to un-learn social anxiety and replace it with social prowess is the main goal of this article.
2. Unlearning Social Anxiety
“The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.”
-Alvin Toffler, American write and futurist
We already established the social anxiety is mostly a learned behavior – but how did we learn to get this way? Why would we choose to act with a certain group of behaviors (to be shy, quiet, cautious, or reserved) over another, more attractive, group of behaviors (to be outgoing, talkative, witty, and engaging)? How does this learning process come about? What steers us in the wrong direction?
The quick answer is that it comes from the experiences we have in our environment. Sometimes social anxiety can be triggered by just one really traumatic experience at an early age, but more often it is a series of mini-“trigger experiences” that enforce and re-enforce these negative associations we build about our own social unworthiness.
But none of this pain has to last. Just because you have suffered from social anxiety in the past doesn’t mean you need to keep suffering in the future. In fact, you can use your memories and past failures as a tool to overcome unnecessary anxiety. All it takes is some concentration, effort, and dedication. But spending time now dealing with these issues is worth it in return for the happiness in the future.
THE THREE STEP GUIDE
STEP 1: Being Mindful of the “Moment-by-Moment” Human Experience
This is a very general model of the “moment-by-moment” human experience. We perceive things in the environment, meddle over them with our minds, and then choose appropriate actions and reactions. This cycle continuously repeats itself and that is how we learn to make useful distinctions about our environment, build associations, and manufacture certain beliefs about the world we live in (sometimes called our “map of reality”).
To get a better idea of how this diagram models the real world, let’s take a single sensation and follow it through the process:
A1 – Sight – Picture of large crowd
B1 – Thoughts – “Wow this is a large crowd.”
B2 – Feelings – Worry (that you might mess up or embarrass yourself in front of all these people)
C1 – Action – Stutter words
A2 – Hear – Hear yourself stuttering your words
B3 - Thoughts – “Oh no, I am messing up!”
B4 – Feelings – Embarrassment
C2 – Action – Blush
A3 – Touch – You feel the heat on your face from blushing.
B5 – Thoughts – “Oh my God, I am blushing!”
B6 – Feelings – Further embarrassment, fear, nervousness
C3- Action – Sweating, clammy hands
A4 – Touch – Sweatiness
A5 – Sight – Large crowd staring blankly
B7 – Feelings – More and more intense
B8 – Thoughts – “I must get out of here!”
C4- Action – Run off stage.
Explanation
This outline is only of a few short – but intense – moments that can easily become a quick learning to social anxiety. An event like this could transpire in less than a minute, but to the experiencing person it can seem like a decade of negative feelings flowing through one’s body. It is painful, and in the moment it can seem like one has no control over their thoughts and actions – it just happens – we bug out, and we need to eject out of the situation as quickly as possible.
When in a moment like this it is incredibly difficult to reverse the cycle of negativity: feelings intensify and snowball, time becomes blurry, nothing is clear anymore and the only thing we desire is for the whole experience to end. Rarely is an experience like this going to be successfully overcome while in that moment. Knowledge of this model is not, by itself, going to help you to overcome social anxiety – but it is so important to be mindful of the general system of how the events of our lives transpire. Once we become better at observing these relations between the body/mind/environment then we can become better at replacing these bad habits with ones that serve our interest far better.
LESSON 1: LEARN TO BE A MORE MINDFUL OBSERVER OF THE EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE. BECOME SKILLFUL IN BEING ABLE TO DISSECT AND BREAK APART LIFE’S EXPERIENCES – FROM THE MOST MUNDANE TO THE INCREDIBLY OVERWHELMING. THE BETTER WE BECOME AT SKILLFUL MINDFULNESS, THE BETTER WE BECOME AT SEIZING THE MOMENT, AND TAKING CONTROL OVER OUR EXPERIENCES.
STEP 2: Understanding How Experience Translates Into Belief Systems
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“Moment-by-Moment” Experiences we already went over the meaning of – this is the succession of physical and mental stimuli that constitutes a given experience (such as the public speech experience from the last section).
Memories of Experiences is all the information we retain from a given “Moment-by-Moment” experience. It also includes all that we learn, unlearn, and relearn from a given experience.
Belief Systems here just means: the thought patterns and learning associations that dominate our mental states in a given situation. These belief systems have great effect on how we act in situations similar to ones we have already experienced.
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By digging into our belief systems we can plant new seeds on how to grow new and better behaviors. But how do we do this? How can we discover what our beliefs are, and how can we replace them with more helpful substitutes? In start, the previous section’s lesson in mindfulness will allow us to become more observant of our thoughts as they happen. This alone begins to give us more control over how we think; then, we can minimize the negativity and maximize the positivity.
But it also necessary to observe our thoughts regarding past experiences and memories. If we are still carrying around negativity from past failures then we have not given them the space they need to grow and become useful life lessons. So, even in times of solitude and loneliness we cannot cling to these past experiences and re-live the negativity of these moments.
This does not mean we repress these memories – only that we experience them in a more positive light. For example, instead of going back to that time you had a public-speaking disaster – instead – look back at that memory and be able to laugh and learn from it. That isn’t you in that memory – only a hologram. Separate yourself from the memory, accept it how it is, and look for what you can learn from the experience that you hadn’t had the eyes for when you were in the heat-of-the-moment.
Most traumatic experiences are hectic and confusing – and the mind rightfully seeks to recollect them, try to make sense of them, and learn from them. So it is okay to reflect and introspect, as long as one acknowledges the space between the “you of now” and the “you of the past” – both of who are not the “you of the future.” If the mind wants to seek out the past in times of solitude – let it drift…but keep your distance, watch it with a mindful eye, and let it go when it is time to let it go. I know this advice is a bit abstract, but keep these ideas in mind and you will come to your own understanding of the rich-ness and flexibility of the resources from our past experiences. That is all they are – RESOURCES that you can learn from.
By taking the time to learn from these experiences and memories, you are rebuilding your beliefs and attitudes about whatever the topic of contemplation is (this time, it is social situations). Perhaps in the past you looked at an experience and thought:
“Wow, I really suck with girls. I will never have a girlfriend.”
But this is only a BELIEF.
And even if you think that you “didn’t actually mean it,” well, at the time you said it – you actually did mean it! And this kind of language does have a tremendous effect on your overall behavior. Take what you say and think seriously, to the extent that, if you think of something that hurts or impairs your mind then it should be done away with and replaced with something more useful. One may take the same experience that triggered the belief above and instead think:
“Well, in the past I have had my shortcomings with girls. But I am blessed to have those experiences – because I needed those failures to learn how to be a better person.”
This too is only a belief – only a different perspective – but it is infinitely more powerful than the previous belief. Instead of looking at the past and saying, “I’ll never be able to do those things,” you think, “I needed those things to happen to me in order to become who I needed to become.”
This all relates to that famous motivational quote by Michael Jordan, arguably the best basketball player of all time:
“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. “
- Michael Jordan
LESSON 2: BY BEING AWARE OF THE INNER WORKINGS OF ONE’S MIND – THOUGHT PATTERNS, BELIEFS, ATTITUDES – ONE CAN BEGIN TO REBUILD A FOUNDATION, A NEW PERSPECTIVE THAT IS BETTER BUILT FOR TURNING FAILURE INTO SUCCESS, RATHER THAN RE-CREATING THE SAME SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECIES OF FAILURE
STEP 3: Develop Craving For New And Positive Experiences
Most of the advice in this article has been about what one can do with their mind to rid themselves of anxiety. It is appropriate to focus inwards on the mind, as social anxiety is a learned condition of the mind, but we don’t want to end up living inside ourselves in order to conquer social anxiety – that would defeat the purpose.
Only minds can learn, but we learn from our experiences, which is where we gather all the information about our surroundings and environment. Up until this point, we have mostly discussed past memories and how we can use those experiences as a learning tool to better ourselves.
It is a fantastic skill to be able to look back on memories and be able to extract helpful information from those experiences, even if they are decades old. But this knowledge doesn’t always properly set the frame for how we should handle future experiences.
We don’t want to just feel better about our anxiety, we want to get rid of it, and be able to enjoy social “enlightenment” – so to speak. So as much as we can learn from the past, we also need to engage reality in the now. And we need to continuously engage these new realities in the future as well.
What do I mean by engaging reality? Well, what does it mean when you are engaged by a movie or a piece of music? Typically it means that you are absorbed in the object of your attention. You beyond just being appreciative of it – you are engrossed by it or “blown away” by it. You are so fixated that nothing can detract your attention away from it.
Ideally, it would be nice if this could describe every moment. But for now, just focus on putting that vibe or energy into your social life. Be a little more uplifted and outgoing, not because you want to help fix your social anxiety, but because it is fun and pleasurable to be uplifting and outgoing. Don’t look for reasons to be happy or friendly – let your happiness and friendliness be unconditional. Place it at the center of your being, foster it with your mind, and let it radiate from you through your actions, words, and body language.
LESSON 3: BUILD A PRESENCE FOR YOUR SELF. DON’T HESITATE TO “TAKE UP SPACE” WHEN AROUND OTHERS. SEEK OUT A GOOD TIME. SEEK OUT PLEASURE IN OTHERS AND THEY WILL SEEK OUT PLEASURE IN YOU. AND THEN YOU SHARE THAT PLEASURE, AND THAT IS WHAT IS CALLED A GOOD FRIENDSHIP.
PART C: FINAL WORDS
There is a lot of information in this article, making it almost impossible to consume all of it all in one sitting. I hope that you at least found some words of encouragement.
You may find yourself wanting to read this article again in the future just to refresh some of these ideas. This is recommended. If you begin to apply yourself to overcoming social anxiety on your own (which certainly can and has bee done), then you can look back on this article and see this information in a different light. Then perhaps, you can gain something new, that you hadn’t realized on first reading.
My final advice is to always stay on the path to improving yourself. Everyone has different rates of improvement, and none of them come without their fair share of obstacles, but in the end – I promise – if you dedicate your self and mind to this process you will see results.
REFERENCES
[1] Melinda Smith, Ellen Jaffe-Gill, M.A, and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D, “Social Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia: Symptoms, Self-Help, and Treatment”
[2] Cuncic, Arlin. “Genetic Causes of Social Anxiety Disorder.”
