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Old 01-06-2016
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So, I've seen lot's of diary threads on here. I guess this is one of those. I know I said "dairy." I said "dairy" because it made me giggle. Heh... So where do I go from here? I'm creating this for a reason...I want to say something...but what? I don't want to say too much...but what is "too much" anyway? I don't know. Is this first entry supposed to be introductory? Do I have to worry about you guys as an audience? Sheesh...this is a self-indulgant practice...

Gah...enough puttering around. I'm avoiding what I really want to say:

I feel as though I've recently been growing distant from people.

Not like loneliness, but with age or something. I don't know. Friends are moving on to careers, finding other people and forming relationships. Maybe that is loneliness. Here I am losing friends as they move on with their lives. At least that's what it feels like.

In other words, I'm in a rut. Things are stagnant. There isn't forward motion, but I'm not moving backwards either.

I mean, if things were shitty they would at least be interesting...

Nah...I suppose I'm happy for things being "fine." I guess the real question is if things are "fine" why don't I feel "fine." Now let me be clear: I know that emotions are ever-changing and we all have highs and lows...but this has been a rather long, consistent low.

Eh...Whatever. Not sure what they point of this was. Sorry if it bored you, but I'm not really writing to entertain.

Wow, this post looks terrible. I guess I'll try to make it a bit more cosmetically appealing later. I mean is it tough to read right now? Gah...whatever! I've got dinner in 15. Thanks for listening to my spiel.
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Old 01-07-2016
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So, entry two. I suppose I should do an introduction. Probably should have done that in the first entry, huh?

So, I'm...erm...zharl. A couple of people just call me "Z" now, which is fine, I guess. I joined SPW about 7 years ago in 2009, but my activity is rather sporadic. My tendency is to show up every so often and be very active for a couple of months and then disappear. I'm hoping to not do that, this time.

I'm feeling a bit better since my last entry. But I'm still feeling a bit reclusive. Anyone have any tips for getting out and doing something, or--I can't believe I'm saying this--anyone live in Cali (specifically the San Fernando Valley) who'd want to...I don't know...hang out, or meet in person?

I don't know. Maybe that's a stupid idea. I'm probably coming off as a bit desperate. Yeah...never mind. HEY! But you can hit me up in mini-chat or in the chatbox! I'm always around there!

Was that awkward? Yeah...that was pretty awkward. I think this entry is over now. Yeah...it's done.
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Old 01-17-2016
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So, this'll be the third entry...not really being consistent for when I'm putting these out, but it's more cathartic than really something I'm doing for anyone else. I still don't know why I'm writing this where everyone can see it. Maybe it's the idea of getting attention--yeah that's probably what it is.

At this point, I'm feeling like I don't know how to be an adult. I'm 26, unemployed, and I spend the majority of my days in bed. I'm not doing anything proactive to change my situation, and I don't feel compelled to do anything to change it. These feelings are all par for the course when I look at my past interactions with the idea of responsibility.

It's frustrating.

I recognize the things I need to do. I recognize what I need to do to remedy my situation. Yet I never do anything beyond recognition. Again, it's frustrating.

Last edited by zharl; 01-17-2016 at 10:41 PM.
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Old 01-17-2016
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zharl View Post
So, this'll be the third entry...not really being consistent for when I'm putting these out, but it's more cathartic than really something I'm doing for anyone else. I still don't know why I'm writing this where everyone can see it. Maybe it's the idea of getting attention--yeah that's probably what it is.
Post or post not—it's your thread, brother. Think on this, though: what you post here could help somebody else by presenting a new perspective or insight, and somebody may throw in a comment that helps you. I see threads like this (my own included) as kind of a group therapy scene, where one member lays out his issues and the rest of the group can then make comments and suggestions to try to help that person out. The idea is that in caring and being cared about, everyone benefits to some extent. My comment here may not help you much, but it could help somebody else in a similar spot, or inspire another comment that does you, me, and whoever more good than we ever would have expected. A thread like this offers a quieter place to have that discussion, away from the noise and distractions of the rest of the forum.

Just my perspective, for what it's worth.

If you want to keep this space purely for your own catharsis, that's cool too. Like I said, it's your thread. Let me know, and I'll delete this post if you wish.

Quote:
At this point, I'm feeling like I don't know how to be an adult. I'm 26, unemployed, and I spend the majority of my days in bed. I'm not doing anything proactive to change my situation, and I don't feel compelled to do anything to change it. These feelings are all par for the course when I look at my past interactions with the idea of responsibility.

It's frustrating.

I recognize the things I need to do. I recognize what I need to do to remedy my situation. Yet I never do anything beyond recognition. Again, it's frustrating.
I find myself in much the same situation, except that for me, 26 was a long damn time ago, and the road ahead looks a whole lot shorter than the one behind. I don't spend the majority of my days in bed, exactly, but I do take a long nap most afternoons—whether out of need or habit is not always clear—and often feel like I've wasted a good chunk of the day when I could have been doing . . . something. What something? Well, that I don't know, but something, which is a lot more than I got done. An opportunity slept through is an opportunity that ain't coming back.

I guess I don't have much to offer here in the way of suggestions, since I'm as stymied by this as you are, but if a little solidarity is good for anything, there it is. Maybe someone else will have something more useful to add.
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Old 01-18-2016
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I love the idea of this becoming more of a dialogue! Responses are welcome!

I don't know about opportunity. Since I'm still a young whippersnapper, I face the dilemma where I'm supposed to be practically drowning in opportunity, but I feel as though it isn't there. Maybe I'm short-sited and can't see it.

I don't know. I look forward to taking classes again, but I worry about what happens after classes...you know, the world where you have to actually work to make a living, and not bum off your parents. Not complaining about the support I get by the way; super supportive parents! I mean, I am a 26-year-old living and still living at home bringing in no income. To complain would be a crime!
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Old 01-18-2016
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:/ I don't think that sounded bad asking if people near by wanted to hang out. But I know that my anxiety would make it really hard to meet people new nearby me even if I knew they had the same issues.

Yeah I'm a non-traditional student too. I would say try and network, make connections, internships/whatever before you graduate. Last time I just went to school and kept to myself, then started job hunting after I graduated and floundered. Professors kinda cut me off too after a few months because I guess they had better things to do... oh well Ill try and take my own advice too this time.

Lack of motivation I think is a sign of depression. I worry a old friend of mine might be in that situation as he has a job but has lost all drive to socialize or do anything and has been staying with his folks. I told him to take some Vitamin D supplements since hes indoors a lot and works nights but I don't think he listened. If you don't get enough sun it will mess with your mood.
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Old 01-26-2016
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So, now my parents want me to get a--erm...

Well, if I say "significant other," I'll sound like a text book; if I say "girlfriend," I'll sound juvenile; if I say "lover," I'll sound like a timer traveler...

My parents want me to be in a relationship, but I suck at that. I've drifted away from my friends, and really i'm not sure if I can maintain something more and that's assuming I complete the first step of "finding that special someone." I just really suck at it. I over-think things and I'm either oblivious, or reading too much into different situations.

I find myself wondering if I even want to be in a relationship. To be honest I'm not sure. Before I can even think about "a relationship," there's the whole issue of dating. I've been on dates, and I really don't know how to do them to this day. Don't get me wrong, I don't think they were failures, but they weren't successes either.

Putting the whole "not knowing how" thing aside, I come back to my original point: I don't know that I want to. Dating and relationships are a lot of work, and I'm not sure that I want to deal with that pressure. I don't resent being single. Do I get lonely sometimes? Sure, but I don't resent it. I guess my main issue is, if I were to get a date at this point, I would have no real friends to introduce the person to. I've let my friendships deteriorate to mere acquaintanceships. I really think I need to start making friends again before I can think about anything more.

What was the whole point of this entry? Oh yeah. My parents want me to date. There's some pressure there...I understand where they're coming from, and I know that they're doing this with the best intentions. They want me to be happy; they want me to grow. I don't resent being single, but I do resent the pressure not to be. I suppose that means I resent my parents a bit right now too, transitively speaking.
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Old 02-01-2016
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So, internet went down at my house, forcing me to leave, since I have stuff to work on. What's strange is that I was exceedingly nervous about it. I haven't felt nervous about going out where people dwell since high school, so it was strange to deal with it again. Also, it confirmed my suspicions about regressing. It doesn't feel so good to be right in this situation.

Now that I'm sitting in my school's library with a drink and a sandwich, I'm a bit calmer. No one notices me or cares what I'm doing. Logically speaking, this was the expected outcome. I'm no where near as scrutinized by others as I sometimes feel, and I know this. Subjectively however, walking from my car to the library and entering--on a Sunday no less--was a bit of a hurdle. I would feel good about making this positive step, if it weren't a step I had already made years ago.

Essentially it's like I learned how to walk and was pretty good at it for a few years, and then forgot how to walk and now I'm re-learning again...if that makes any sense. o_o

Long story short, since I've already had to do this in the past--ergo I thought I was past this--what should be "a victory" feels rather hollow. This shouldn't be a challenge for me at this point. This should have been easy.
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Old 02-17-2016
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Hey, so it's been a while since I made a post. I suppose there isn't much to report. I don't feel as though I've made much improvement since my last post, but having classes regularly seems to have helped out a bit. I've always done better when I have a routine. When I have downtime is when things start to go south.

I'd like to start doing stuff again. I've gotten into the habit of sitting in my room. It's not really depressing, but it is boring and lacks fulfillment. I'd like to see if some of my other friends are starting a D&D campaign again, or something, but I'm worried about my ability to balance that with work and school...

I don't know. What I do know is that I need to do something more social again. I'm getting restless and it's frustrating. Maybe I should join a book club or something. *shrugs*

Anyway, that's about it. Sorry if this wasn't so interesting. I'm still trying to figure this thing out. Am I writing to entertain, or just writing to write? Well, this post was certainly more of the "verbal vomit" variety, so if you were looking for entertainment, sorry for wasting your time!
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Old 02-18-2016
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So, have you decided on whether you'll try to find someone to accompany you down the road of life? Relationships are a huge commitment so if you're still hesitating then it's better not to try yet. It's not fair to both you and your prospective partner. Besides no one wants to feel coerced into something that they're not sure about. And that includes feeling pressured by parents, peers, co-workers, and what-nots. I understand that it's impossible to not hear, feel, or see the pressure being put on you everyday. It tells you how to live your life, how you should behave, the achievements you should have accomplished, the age you should get married, etc. To me, it's a bunch of pre-determined standards that nobody can explain why they have to be that way, AND who set the rules?

Once you've filtered out the pressure inside your thoughts and only listen to what you really want, you'll look at life in a much different way.
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Old 02-18-2016
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So, have you decided on whether you'll try to find someone to accompany you down the road of life? Relationships are a huge commitment so if you're still hesitating then it's better not to try yet. It's not fair to both you and your prospective partner. Besides no one wants to feel coerced into something that they're not sure about. And that includes feeling pressured by parents, peers, co-workers, and what-nots. I understand that it's impossible to not hear, feel, or see the pressure being put on you everyday. It tells you how to live your life, how you should behave, the achievements you should have accomplished, the age you should get married, etc. To me, it's a bunch of pre-determined standards that nobody can explain why they have to be that way, AND who set the rules?

Once you've filtered out the pressure inside your thoughts and only listen to what you really want, you'll look at life in a much different way.
I don't really have a "prospective partner." That phrase sounds kind of weird too. It sounds a little like I'm the only one making the decision and that relationships are supposed to be one-sided or something. I don't know, I'm probably misreading/overanalyzing what you're saying.

To make a long story short, nothing is going on romantically, but that isn't really my focus anyway. I just want to meet more people and actually have a social circle again. I think I'm shooting for rekindling/making new friendships at the moment more than anything else.
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Old 02-25-2016
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I'm writing this using my iPad, so please excuse any errors.

I've been experiencing a lot of boredom lately; boredom tends to lead to depression for me, so that's not so good. I've got work to distract myself, but when the time comes for me to relax, I'm at a loss for how to pass the time. Normally, I'd pass the time with video games, but gaming is becoming increasingly less effective. Besides, I kind of want to cut down on gaming anyway. I don't know. I'm not really looking for suggestions or anything; I just kind of wanted to shout this into the ether. This thread is the perfect place for that, I guess.
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Old 02-26-2016
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Yeah Ive noticed I'll get bored with games too if I play them too much. Im not as enthused about them as I was say a month ago.
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Old 04-14-2016
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Man life is hard. Nearly let a single person derail my professional dreams and aspirations. Key word being "nearly."

Short post I know, but I wanted to say something. I suppose it's a way for me to acknowledge it for myself or something. *shrugs*
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Old 05-03-2016
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Hey! Just a brief update to anyone who's reading! I've been pretty busy lately--the reason I've been less active as of late--once my semester ends, I'll make my triumphant return!

Also, there were some people I was talking to right before I kind of disappeared! I haven't forgotten anyone! Life is just very busy! To anyone out there who cares to read, we'll chat soon!

Last edited by zharl; 05-03-2016 at 06:24 AM.
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Old 05-28-2016
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Hi all. I was going to make a new post, but than I remembered that I specifically created a thread for my ramblings. Why clutter the forums right?

So, It's been an interesting experience since I became active in the community again last October. I've had my ups and my downs...and I just wanted to say "thank you." I'm sure that I get on people's nerves with my antics and silly posts, but I really wanted to express my gratitude.

I especially want to thank the person who pushed me to create the Resource Thread. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't used it since we created it. I'd say your name, but you know who you are, Mr. Time Wizard .

I've been pretty lonely this year. To be honest, for a while it felt as though I was losing ground rather than gaining it, and I'm not sure what I would have done without having this community as an outlet and as a place for support.

So with that being said, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

P.S. Everyone visit the chatbox more.

P.P.S. I promise I'll visit it more too!
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Old 06-06-2016
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Getting steady employment is proving to be quite difficult, however, finding something is a necessity as living is, you know, costly. That's about it. -_-
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Old 08-14-2016
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Alright! I am pooped. Just got back from my friends wedding. It was just emotionally draining. So much social and sensory stuff, I feel like I was operating at like 200% or something. It was a fun time, but I'm glad to be home.
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Old 08-14-2016
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Alright! I am pooped. Just got back from my friends wedding. It was just emotionally draining. So much social and sensory stuff, I feel like I was operating at like 200% or something. It was a fun time, but I'm glad to be home.
I have to attend a wedding party tomorrow , they play loud music and do traditional stuff... probably going to be bored to death, with hearing problems as a bonus.

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Old 08-14-2016
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Hmm...find someone to talk to (hard to do, I know). Grab a drink (if they have them) and make the best of it.

The wedding I went to was a dry wedding (no alcohol) and things turned out alright. *shrugs*

Good luck!
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