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Old 04-09-2015

I get extremely lonely at night. I always remember feeling that way, even/ESPECIALLY when I was a little girl. I remember my mom working late most nights and me watching cartoons that I hated at all hours of the night just trying to pass the time waiting for her to come home. I was never one of those kids who had a curfew, or bedtime, or whatever because there really wasn't anyone with the proper authority to tell me when to go to bed.
My mom was a single mother my brother and I's entire life. It was my grandmother who would stay with me most of the time and try and tell me to go to bed at a decent hour, etc. but I never really took her seriously and didn't listen to her, so she just kind of gave up at a certain point.
I remember being creeped out by the night time and not exactly wanting to stay awake, but not wanting to go to sleep without my mom either.

In any case, the intense loneliness, anxiety, and depression that I have been experiencing at night lately has been through the roof. I just had to leave bed to go into another room to cry my eyes out like a baby uncontrollably and extremely loud for an entire hour. I am immensely amazed that my boyfriend didn't wake up from it. I also can't get the possibly out of my head that he might have even heard me and tuned me out because of my constant outbursts and neediness, which I couldn't blame him for if that is, in fact, true. I'm sure it's extremely exhausting to deal with someone with such depression that I possess. (but this isn't even a fact, and probably not even the truth. It's probably just another paranoid thought, truthfully)
So, I am finally at the apathetic stage because I can't cry anymore but still am utterly lonely, even though my boyfriend is sleeping right next to me.
I have no idea what's wrong with me.
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Old 04-09-2015
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Is there a need that isn't being met? for me, i just needed someone to talk to. i was crying about an existential crisis but i forgot about that when i made a best friend with someone. the weather and stress also may have had an effect on my mood.
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