Loyal's Thoughts

sit quietly and listen?

LoyalXenite said:

Things have turned out ok.

The older sister wasnt calling for any reason other than genuinely wanting my company, i got to vent to her though and she said my feelings were understandable and not unfair and that she understood, and also told me not to worry that things were going to be fine and that my partner wasnt leaving me over this.
I went to her place which was nice, she kept me distracted from my own thoughts (i am my worst enemy) and helped me get my head together a bit.

I got quite anxious when my partner arrived because i just didnt know what was going to happen. But things are ok, we are both just very stressed and so both had a meltdown, but we are ok and it doesnt appear to be her going to leave me. She also said she loved me! When she said it my heart almost burst with relief.

Her younger sister is a completely different person. She has been nice to me and i havent felt uncomfortable or ostracized or anything. My partner is still sleeping in the other room to support her sister, but im ok about it. Knowing that im not losing her makes it not seem as hurtful.

I got kisses and hugs when her sister was in the bathroom and such and things seem to have worked out ok.

I am very relieved. I think this weekend wont be the hell i was afraid of.

Click to expand...

In my experience, situations are rarely as bad as we anticipate them to be beforehand.

Great to read this. :thumbup:

Well the weekend is over. My partner and her sister have just left. The loneliness is already hurting but for some reason this time i am not falling apart. We'll see how i go once the night sets in.

I actually enjoyed myself over the weekend, i feel horrible for thinking so poorly of the younger sister. She is a completely different person, we actually chatted and things were quite comfortable, she was so nice that i feel really guilty for thinking the worst was going to happen.

I had a lovely weekend really, we went shopping and to the beach and out for dinner and it all went well, even went to the RSPCA and her sister got a VERY cute kitten, which we will pick up for her on the Wednesday. I even got hugged when they left from her sister, and she didnt seem to be remotely homophobic around us, which took me by surprise. Of course Im not really one for over the top PDAs anyway, but it was not uncomfortable.

My partner will be coming down on Wednesday, because i have to go to the dentist to get a wisdom tooth removed so she will take care of me for a couple days, go back on the Friday. Then her and her sister will come down on the weekend, to pick up the kitten, and stay until Monday. After that im not too sure when i will see her next. But im trying to not think about that right now.

Im trying to focus on the fact that its just two nights until i see her again. I dont know how i'll go through the nights because my partner took her pillow with her this time (she needs it to get a decent sleep because she hasnt been sleeping well). So while i understand, it is unfortunate because the pillow helps me get through the nights.
But we'll see how i go.

Overall im a mix of emotions as usual, lonely, sad, anxious, relieved, an almost sad but happy feeling overall really. Lonely but not falling apart, i hope i manage to stay together this time.

Oh i forgot. I had a friend, who was at the time considered one of my best friends, who all of a sudden cut off contact with me. Its been about 6 months or more since that happened... maybe as much as 9 months. About 4 months ago i stopped trying to contact her, stopped wasting my time. To this day i dont know why she cut off contact with me, if i did something or not. Then out of the blue on saturday i get this message from her, saying

I know it's been ages and that's my fault. I feel really bad that we drifted apart and I wanted to say that I'm really really sorry it happened
I've wanted to say something for a while now but I knew u must be heaps mad so like a coward I just didn't say anything.
I'm looking forward to seeing u and ***** tonight, but if u guys don't wanna see me I totally understand and don't worry I won't get in ur way or anything...
just wanted to say I know I've been a bad friend and I'm so sorry for how I've acted.... also that I miss you heaps and I miss hanging out. I'm sorry that I wrecked everything.
Anyway, see u girls tonight

She thought that we were attending a party, we had planned to but just didnt have time really. So i thought that the only reason she is sending that message is because she was trying to avoid awkwardness at the birthday party. But then i was thinking does she really mean it, does she want to be friends again. There were numerous problems towards the end there, she made many inappropriate comments regarding my and my partner, sold me a dodgy phone. Just got really different at the end there, but prior to the weirdness she was a good friend. So i am unsure of what to do about it really.

So i replied with
Two questions for you.
1- Why did it happen?
2- Why are you contacting me now, what has changed that suddenly you're wanting to contact me?
I was mad, you're right, i didn't know why you'd stopped talking to me or whether it was something i had done or not. I tried to go out of my way to keep in contact with you, and got no replies. I am not mad anymore, I'm still hurt that i wasn't worth the effort to at least send a text to explain why you had cut me out of your life all of a sudden.

Thanks to fb's creepy updates, i can see that she has already read this but not yet replied, so im waiting to see what she replies with before i decide how to approach this situation.

I do miss her, but i miss the friendship we used to have not what it ended up becoming before she cut me out of her life.

She made the initiative to get back in contact with you, and that's a good start to rebuilding what you had. Hopefully that works out.

MikeyC said:

She made the initiative to get back in contact with you, and that's a good start to rebuilding what you had. Hopefully that works out.

Click to expand...

My concern is that she only did it to avoid awkwardness that night and will just cut me out again

LoyalXenite said:

My concern is that she only did it to avoid awkwardness that night and will just cut me out again

Click to expand...

It's up to you if you want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

MikeyC said:

It's up to you if you want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Click to expand...

I'm going to judge it based on how she replies, if at all to my reply to her.

I caught up with the "friend" last night, she offered an excuse as to why she cut everyone out of her life, but it didnt really match up with when she started cutting people out. But i was lonely last night and so didnt bring up the issue. We went and grabbed a milkshake together and chatted, it was almost like old times, but obviously a bit awkward because its been so long.

Im not sure where i stand on it all really, i think im too conflicted at the moment and need to give it more contemplation.

Had some nightmares last night that have me anxious today. Nothing out of the ordinary really but i needed a semi-decent sleep because i really have to get to study and cleaning today (as always). so its frustrating me that im so tired and have a migraine and i have so much to do.

also anxious about the dentists tomorrow. I hate dentists.

I do not want to face the dentist tomorrow.

LoyalXenite said:

I do not want to face the dentist tomorrow.

Click to expand...

You could try facing the other direction, but I don't think the results will be as good.

First chance i've had to post in the last few days.
Dentist went ok, im still sore but my other wisdom tooth that needs pulling hurts more than the one that got pulled.
That day my partner came down to care for me while i was sore. She was supposed to stay for 2 nights. The first night went well, the next day she got a call from her younger sister who needed her. The abusive ex bf had gotten into her head again.

So she was going back up, she wanted me to come with her this time for two nights. I agreed because i didnt want to be parted from her and i was lonely already. So I'm here at her parents place, right now she is in another room, dont know what she is doing but its been like that a lot. She disappears to have conversations with her sister and such, and im left sitting here like an idiot

I know she needs to do this but i cant help feeling useless and redundant, i'm like why bother asking me here when 90% of the time im ignored anyway. i kno wim being selfish but i just cant help how i feel.

Her younger sister has been great to me though, even invited me to go on a cruise at the end of the year with my partner and her two sisters. So that was nice.

It hasnt been too bad but im feeling useless right now

We are at home again.
My partner and her younger sister are down at our place for two nights again.

They are in the bedroom but my partner is sleeping with her sister again. I know im being selfish but i need her too.

Feeling very anxious tonight, they are bother asleep (its 2.20am) i cant sleep. Feeling very anxious and i dont know why, feeling very lonely and i dont know why its so bad. i mean my partner is here, in the same room just not the same bed. But its not the same, i need to have her here normally again. This is going on too long now.. its been 3 weeks now... i dont know how much longer it will go on.. i dont know how much longer i can take this.

Im on a two week holiday at the moment from uni, so it will give me a chance to catch up on uni work and house work because im falling fo far behind because i can barely get out of bed. But its also worse to be on holidays because im here, alone, and still there is no estimated time for all this ending and my partner coming home properly.

I feel so unwanted, rejected, useless, miserable, unimportant and alone, as always.

I cant take much more of this... its too much, too long now...

didnt manage to fall asleep last night until about 3.30am.. its now 8.30am and im already awake. It sucks, im exauhsted and so badly want to sleep but i just cant sleep decently alone in my bed.

I keep looking at my partner and wondering how much longer will i have to endure this. They leave tomorrow to go back up to the parents place. When i will see her next i dont know, possibly next weekend with the younger sister again, but its not enough. When this will all end and i will have her home normally again i still dont know.

I cant do this, i just cant handle this much more... im falling apart.

My partner and her sister have left again, wont see them until next weekend. Her younger sister is looking for a job locally and may end up moving in with us. I dont know but i am wondering if my partner will end up doing this until her sister moves in with us.. its been over 3 weeks and there is no end in sight.

Things are too much for me to handle on my own, im so behind in uni work and study.
I need to go to a doctor but i just dont have the time, same for going back into therapy.. i wrote a list of all my current physical symptoms and it was one and a half A4 pages.. so i really should get on that.

Im trying not to fall apart with my partner gone again, trying to stay busy and keep cleaning, but im struggling to do things, im tired and miserable and just want to curl up and cry until saturday when my partner comes back again.

Im getting along well with her younger sister and dont mind her coming down every weekend until she (possibly) moves in with us. But i do wish i could have my partner home soon.

Im feeling very overwhelmed with all i have to do, the state of the house is driving me crazy but its so hard to get up and deal with it.

Im becoming afraid of the night times because they are so hard to deal with alone.

^I'm really sorry Loyal, but you're being really strong, just hang in there and I hope things get better.

Srijita52 said:

^I'm really sorry Loyal, but you're being really strong, just hang in there and I hope things get better.

Click to expand...

Thanks
Im trying my hardest to stay strong to make this easier for my partner and to be supportive, its hard but im doing the best i can. I just hope she sees that i am trying my hardest and doesnt get mad at the fact that im falling behind in everything.
One good thing is im technically on holidays for two weeks from uni, (mid semester break) so hopefully this is my chance to catch up properly on everything.

LoyalXenite said:

Thanks
Im trying my hardest to stay strong to make this easier for my partner and to be supportive, its hard but im doing the best i can. I just hope she sees that i am trying my hardest and doesnt get mad at the fact that im falling behind in everything.
One good thing is im technically on holidays for two weeks from uni, (mid semester break) so hopefully this is my chance to catch up properly on everything.

Click to expand...

I'm sure she appreciates it very much. That's good, I hope you will catch up.

Was about to start studying when i decided to write down a list of everything i have to do so i dont forget anything. while doing that i discovered that i missed two of the online quizzes for two classes, one of which only means losing .5% of my final mark, the other means i cannot complete the rest of the quizzes and lose 10% of my final mark!

I emailed for special consideration because i've been sick, had the wisdom tooth extraction recovery and whatnot, but they want me to hand in a hard copy of my medical certificate even though they asked for the copy on the online application form anyway. Im hoping i can find a way around this because it takes me 3 hours to get to the campus, let alone be there for 5 minutes and travel 3 hours to get home again. Not to mention because its holidays i didnt put aside money for the train and dont have the money to get up there.

Stressing out quite a bit now, it was a bad start to the studying and now im just feeling overwhelmed again and wondering if im wasting my time trying to get a uni degree. I think i definately need to look at what im doing seriously and decide whether i can really do this. Things are just too much for me right now.

I think doing your degree is a good thing. You should continue it, because you would've then done all this study for nothing.

Is there any possible way to transfer to Wollongong University? It would save you travel time by a hell of a lot.