Life's not worth living

This may or may not be SA related, but the more I think about it the less reasons I can think of to keep living. It may have been the decades of isolation making a mess of my brain but I just don't seem to be able to feel joy in the least, and I can't find something that would make life worth living.

I'm not suicidal or anything, and I'm far too cowardly to even think about harming myself, but there's nothing that could make life less bland, so if death would come to me I'd gladly accept it.
A fullfilling job, relationships, traveling... None of that would make life any less miserable, so I'd rather not exist altogether.

Sometimes I think getting lost in the woods on a north european country could bring a little joy to my existence, but I know full well I'd get bored eventually and I'd be back to feeling nothing. And this isn't something medication can fix, I have been on antidepressants for many years, tried a few of them, and all they'd do is numb down any negative feelings, but the goods ones were nowhere to be found. Maybe my brain isn't built to feel them at all, I can't think back to a time where I felt good. I'm a lost cause, I think.

Getting lost in the woods is something i've always dreamed of as well, because it offers this image of intense instinctual feelings, like a spiritual resort or test of mind. I don't have any like advice to offer, but i feel the same way. I wouldn't kill myself because i don't have the energy and i couldn't do that to my family, so i spend ALL of my spare time in isolation on my computer, and it's caused almost a psychosis. Not an actual psychosis, but a perception of time and life that is constantly haunting, it feels like i'm living from a vision of this being my past and i'm already dead, there's no point to it and it carries deep despair, a dark nostalgia and robot like reflection.

Maybe a risk is worth taking in this , i've always lent on that belief that one day i'll have the guts to do something I've always wanted to do. Leading with the spirit and getting away from things that make me feel stifled. Some kind of spiritual trip, backpacking around the country with limited funds to seek out my purpose and such.. Independence can be powerful and nature can be powerful. Temporarily getting away from your environment can feel new.. I'd say look to what you dream you'll one day do and take a chance

I find with antidepressants, that they stop the MAJOR lows, but they also seem to stop most of the high's as well, but i guess i can live with that.

In general tho, i find that working on goals & projects (mainly on the computer but also off it), getting outside every day (for at least say 20-30m), eating okay, taking my pills, drinking some alcohol, watching some tv, listening to classical music all day, getting plenty of sleep ... all of that combined seems to keep me out of trouble (depression/etc-wise). That is, having a good balance/range of things, and avoiding going overboard on anything, seems to keep me functioning okay.

I don't really need advice as I'm aware that to fix myself I would need a full brain rewire, and I could do it, change the way I think and slowly rebuild it all, I'm well aware of how to beat this. But it would take a lot of work, and I'm nothing but lazy so I'd rather selfdestruct instead of going to battle against myself.
That's the reason why therapy never worked, it's not that I can't or don't know how to fix it, I just don't want to do anything about it. And that's also why I'm a lost cause.

EscapeArtist said:

I wouldn't kill myself because i don't have the energy and i couldn't do that to my family

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There's only one person that would grieve my death, but she won't be around forever so at some point I'll be free to die without hurting anyone. Maybe by then it will have gotten unbearable enough that suicide won't be a scary concept.

There are things I want to try, but experience has shown me they won't make living any more enjoyable. The second I'm back home from doing whatever I feel twice as hopeless, 'cause that's yet another inconvenience I experience, when and if I get hyped about anything (which is rare), my brain will react by killing my mood and making me feel more depressed than I usually am.

See, the other day I felt proud that I had managed to exercise despite feeling exhausted, I wasn't going to but I managed to gather some energy and do it. The second I realized I was feeling good about myself I got depressed and started crying. Such a natural reaction to feeling prideful! And that's basically my existence in a nutshell.
I'm allergic to positive feelings and will find a way to ruin it.

EscapeArtist said:

Getting lost in the woods is something i've always dreamed of as well, because it offers this image of intense instinctual feelings, like a spiritual resort or test of mind. I don't have any like advice to offer, but i feel the same way. I wouldn't kill myself because i don't have the energy and i couldn't do that to my family, so i spend ALL of my spare time in isolation on my computer, and it's caused almost a psychosis. Not an actual psychosis, but a perception of time and life that is constantly haunting, it feels like i'm living from a vision of this being my past and i'm already dead, there's no point to it and it carries deep despair, a dark nostalgia and robot like reflection.

Maybe a risk is worth taking in this , i've always lent on that belief that one day i'll have the guts to do something I've always wanted to do. Leading with the spirit and getting away from things that make me feel stifled. Some kind of spiritual trip, backpacking around the country with limited funds to seek out my purpose and such.. Independence can be powerful and nature can be powerful. Temporarily getting away from your environment can feel new.. I'd say look to what you dream you'll one day do and take a chance

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HEy-Nice to see you back

^ Spam posts, by the look of them. Just thought I'd make yous aware. :thumbup:

Did you report it then?

theslowesthand said:

Did you report it then?

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Yes, I've reported it.