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Old 02-12-2016
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Where to begin. I'll just come out and say it. I am a complete wreck. I mean I don't know what to do with myself. From the moment I wake up I am, simply put, beyond miserable. Always anxious and depressed and suicidal. My issues have kept me from doing the simplest of tasks. I can't work, or drive, or help my loved ones in any way. The worst part is no one in my family is aware of my issues so I get all these responsibilities put on me and I just freeze up. I feel as if I die a million deaths at that moment because of how useless I feel. All I ever want to do is cry my eyes out. I honestly don't know how much longer I can go, but I'm still here so that has got to mean something. But if I am to be honest with myself, if this persists I know I will get to a point where I will say enough and end it. Funny isn't it? When the though of killing yourself is the only thing that brings any kind of happiness even if it is for a slight second. Sorry for this super depressing post but I don't know what else I can do.
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Old 02-12-2016
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Originally Posted by defiance View Post
Where to begin. I'll just come out and say it. I am a complete wreck. I mean I don't know what to do with myself. From the moment I wake up I am, simply put, beyond miserable. Always anxious and depressed and suicidal. My issues have kept me from doing the simplest of tasks. I can't work, or drive, or help my loved ones in any way. The worst part is no one in my family is aware of my issues so I get all these responsibilities put on me and I just freeze up. I feel as if I die a million deaths at that moment because of how useless I feel. All I ever want to do is cry my eyes out. I honestly don't know how much longer I can go, but I'm still here so that has got to mean something.
Ah take it the only reason ye huv'nae said anything to make yer family aware of yer issues is mainly due how they'll react. And they start treating you differently.

Or you get so overwhelmed just tryin' to get yer feelings across that ye breakdown in tears. Also it's sounds like you just "grin and bear it" as the sayin' goes. I'm exactly the same, but ah can definitely relate to how yer feelings. So don't feel as though it's just you who's struggling with this.

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But if I am to be honest with myself, if this persists I know I will get to a point where I will say enough and end it. Funny isn't it? When the though of killing yourself is the only thing that brings any kind of happiness even if it is for a slight second. Sorry for this super depressing post but I don't know what else I can do.
Oh, ah know the feelin'. Ah thought aboot endin' it all many times butr something's keepin' me here. But ah think the reason the though of killing ourselves is the only thing that brings any kind of happiness is mainlu because we don't really want to. We just want the pain and frustration that comes with dealing our issues on a daily basis to end, really.

And to function in the same way we see everyone else doing.

Sorry, ah can't offer any advice or even know if this response will be of any help to ye as far makin' ye feel less alone. Anywayy, stay strong or, at least try to, eh?

Though, ah think the fact wimmin seem to get more help when it comes to mental health issues is due to guys fearing that they'll be shamed for struggling with anxiety and depression because of how we're taught to be as men. Stiff upper lip. Boys don't cry an all that. Just an observation, not having a go at women there.

Ma only true advice would be if yer relationship isn't dysfunctional and they care about you enough to take the time to listen to you and help you, then reach out to them for support. Though, seeking help on yer own isn't anything to be ashamed of. But huvin that extra family support does make it a wee bit easier - knowing you can confide in them and they won't betray you by talking about ye behind yer back - as my family did when ah confided in them that ah felt depressed and wus considering killing myself.

Anyway, sorry to hear yer going through a difficult time.

Last edited by Graeme1988; 02-13-2016 at 10:58 AM.
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Old 02-12-2016
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First off I'm sorry that you can relate. As I know this pain only too well I therefore have an idea of the hell you might be going through as well. The thing is I can't tell anyone in my family because of how they will react. I know too well how it will end. They will blame themselves and I'll feel even worse than I do now. And I agree with you when you said it's the pain that we want to end not our own lives. But because this damn thing called anxiety and depression is attached to our lives we therefore end up doing something stupid sometimes just to be rid of it no matter what the cost, in this case our life. Whether I'll make it or not.... i just don't know. When you are constantly scared and anxious and depressed and suicidal. I mean really what do I have to live for man. Please take care of yourself and i wish you a speedy recovery. And thanks for responding again. Maybe we can chat again sometime. Take care
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Old 02-13-2016
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First off I'm sorry that you can relate. As I know this pain only too well I therefore have an idea of the hell you might be going through as well. The thing is I can't tell anyone in my family because of how they will react. I know too well how it will end. They will blame themselves and I'll feel even worse than I do now. And I agree with you when you said it's the pain that we want to end not our own lives. But because this damn thing called anxiety and depression is attached to our lives we therefore end up doing something stupid sometimes just to be rid of it no matter what the cost, in this case our life. Whether I'll make it or not.... i just don't know. When you are constantly scared and anxious and depressed and suicidal. I mean really what do I have to live for man.
Ah totally get whit yer sayin' here. Ah cun very much empathize with you. Havin' went through the exact same feelings as well for the last 14 years.

F**k! Am still scared, anxious, depressed an suicidal masel'. And lately been wonderin' whit ah've got to live for as well. Family? Well, mine are a bunch of dysfunctional, smug, backstabbin', bitter, dour c**ts for tha most part. Who pit tha "temper" and "mental" intae "temperimental". So ah've decided, by choice, to huv as little interaction with them as possible. Cuz ah don't like 'em or being around them long. They tend to bring me down

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Please take care of yourself and i wish you a speedy recovery.
Ah take it you've been reading my thread, then? Aye, the recovery's gan well. Comin' along nicely, just ma mum being a right dour, pessimistic bitch as per usual. Sorry, but ah dinnae need any negativity aroon me at tha moment.

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And thanks for responding again.Maybe we can chat again sometime. Take care
Aye, sure. Am always happy to huv a wee chat when ah've got time.
You take care yersel' anaw. Aw tha best.
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Hi Defiance,

I can kind of relate. I used to be like that- I couldn't drive, I couldn't work, I would literally hide under my bed all day if I thought someone other than family was coming to the house.
And I felt a lot of shame. In my early 20s my nana forked out alot of her cash to fund me going to an animation school that was top of the notch- and guess what? I only lasted 2 days. And it was hard to get that money back too. But we did.

But the point is that I felt so ashamed - and my family didnt know what was wrong with me- I had no friends- I would'nt go out. It felt like every turn I was stuck. I felt useless too. And just thinking those things made me severely depressed. I became agoraphobic. But for 15 years Ive had severe social phobia and basically lived like a hermit with my parents.

But now, I am so different. Something I thought would never ever in my wildest dreams ever happen to me. I remember even reading about people saying stuff like that- never thinking that it would happen in my life.
I guess the thing is that opened doors for myself- was deciding to apply for disabilty welfare - and that meant that I had people that knew my limits - I mean it was stated down what my 'disability' was - and it meant for me that I could start my life with acknowledgement that I had an illness and I did not have to be pushed into anything in society- but then I last year I got a challenge to work at a shop and I reluctantly and anxiety attack driven and depressively went there- and from that huge step- has completely changed my life 360. I get depressed still - but its fleeting and not full on anymore.

I guess I am just saying, look after and nurture yourself- your situation is not dire like your mind may like to think. You never know what is around the corner. The world needs you- you do have value and uniqueness.
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Hi Defiance,

I can kind of relate. I used to be like that- I couldn't drive, I couldn't work, I would literally hide under my bed all day if I thought someone other than family was coming to the house.
And I felt a lot of shame. In my early 20s my nana forked out alot of her cash to fund me going to an animation school that was top of the notch- and guess what? I only lasted 2 days. And it was hard to get that money back too. But we did.

But the point is that I felt so ashamed - and my family didnt know what was wrong with me- I had no friends- I would'nt go out. It felt like every turn I was stuck. I felt useless too. And just thinking those things made me severely depressed. I became agoraphobic. But for 15 years Ive had severe social phobia and basically lived like a hermit with my parents.

But now, I am so different. Something I thought would never ever in my wildest dreams ever happen to me. I remember even reading about people saying stuff like that- never thinking that it would happen in my life.
I guess the thing is that opened doors for myself- was deciding to apply for disabilty welfare - and that meant that I had people that knew my limits - I mean it was stated down what my 'disability' was - and it meant for me that I could start my life with acknowledgement that I had an illness and I did not have to be pushed into anything in society- but then I last year I got a challenge to work at a shop and I reluctantly and anxiety attack driven and depressively went there- and from that huge step- has completely changed my life 360. I get depressed still - but its fleeting and not full on anymore.

I guess I am just saying, look after and nurture yourself- your situation is not dire like your mind may like to think. You never know what is around the corner. The world needs you- you do have value and uniqueness.
I'm happy to hear you have made progress. After all that is the name of the game no matter of much it is. I will continue to try my best and hang in there and maybe one day I can be one of those people who gets to say *I'd never thought it could happen for me but it did and I am better now.* It is so demoralizing though isn't it? When every thought going through your head makes you feel like you are dying. Even as I am writing this to you I feel it's grip on me. Typing this is taking all the effort I can muster. How pathetic is that. But anyways thank you for your kind words towards the end. Hope everything keeps going well for you and I'll continue to fight the good fight for as long as I can
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