just need a girlfriend now
- Thread starter waine
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Social-E-Aukward
Well-known member
These are just my thoughts and advice. I'm no expert in much of anything, so I don't mean to try to tell anyone what to do. I'm just sharing my thoughts and experiences so other people can rip them apart. 
I don't think a girlfriend is a solution to SA. I don't really think that trying hard to get a companion is a way to continue to fix SA either. A relationship won't work out right unless I get rid of SA first. If I am ever lucky enough find someone to share my life with, it will be because we are the right time in our lives and everything just lines up for the two of us. I don't think a relationship is something anyone can just "make" happen, there is NO RECIPE for it. I also don't expect it to be part of a solution for SA.
I think that the way those close relationships happen for the people lucky enough to find someone, is by overcoming their SA. Putting aside fear and trusting each other is what they are about. It's really hard, anyone on this site can probably tell plenty of stories about how their relationships are difficult to maintain because of SA. For me, it's hard to be comfortable with anyone sometimes...
I had a real girlfriend. I would have done anything for her. I still love her with all my heart, and she loves me too. Things haven't worked out because I struggle so much with a number of things, the biggest one being my social anxiety. I've known her as my lover and best friend for three years now. and I know she's the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. Panic attacks, losing my ability to communicate, and just being awkward have nearly destroyed our friendship a number of times. She becomes uncomfortable because of how weird I act sometimes, and even though in my heart I want to trust her completely, I haven't been able to stop my paranoid thoughts and panic attacks from causing big problems. She doesn't understand my SA because it's something she doesn't experience as much of. How bad mine is scares her. It makes me feel like a freak, like I'm stupid or just plain scared.
EDIT: I previously stated, "SA is the enemy of ALL relationships." I think this was something I blurted because I was tired and frustrated. A much better way to express my idea at the time would have been, "Giving up because we experience SA is the sure fire way to ruin any relationship."
I ask myself a lot, "If I never master my SA, how can I ever expect to have a successful relationship with the woman I love, or ever hope to find some decent friends?" I hate being alone, but I need to accept that no one else can fix this for me. It's great having as much support as I can get, and the fact that I have found a small number of people to encourage me is a huge change for the better from where I was once in my life... but when it all boils down I've got to overcome my fear on my own.
I think that the time to start looking for a significant other should come well after we form a group of friends. We are the most valuable part of our lives, but without friends, it still feels very empty. We can't make friends without socializing, and we can't form long lasting relationships without making friends first. Summer-love, crushes, infatuation, it's all temporary. The real thing comes when you don't expect it. I think I know because I've lost my heart to a woman only once, and nothing, no matter how much I get hurt or scared, and no matter who I meet or who tries to break it, I'm single, but definitely taken.
One thing I should have learned the hard way the first time is that if we go through life, looking for a romantic relationship, we'll always rush into one at the wrong time. The people we pair ourselves with won't be who or what we really need, and we won't be what they need either. We shouldn't look for someone to fix our problems or fill our needs, and we shouldn't try to change to be perfect for someone so they'll like us. We should just try to be as perfect as we can be for the "imaginary" person who we dream about. We need to think like them and do what thy would want us to do. I have had more experiences with the mistake or rushing in than I care to mention, EVER.
People need to be drawn together as companions NATURALLY. If you don't click with someone, it's because you don't click with them. If they are judging you badly, or if they are a jerk, then they aren't the kind of people you want around anyways, right?
Relationships (romantic and friendship-wise) are not something that we can plan or force. We can't trick someone into liking us; there is no truth in that, only a false trust that will soon break. Girlfriends and friends alike have to decide for themselves if they want to spend time with us. This doesn't mean we should change just to make them happy. Quite the contrary, we should seek out people who we choose to accept us as who we are. And we should also seek out people that we can accept as they are. We CAN NOT change others anymore than we can force others to accept us for who we are.
My advice would be to not look for a girlfriend unless you are very confident in your ability to manage under extremely stressful social situations. Serious relationships are full of those stressful situations, and if you can't deal with them, the relationship will fall apart. You'll need to be capable of forming a very strong bond with the person you choose to be with. That may mean having similar interests and ideas (which definitely makes it easier to accept each other), but perhaps more importantly, you must both be able to communicate and express the thoughts and feelings you have.
I think that if you're that confident in your ability to socialize that you think successfully managing such a complex relationship is within your reach, perhaps you are on the wrong type of forum.
Again, just my thoughts. I don't know you or your situation, and maybe that means it'd be better for me if I'd just shut up... I hope I'm not just filling your thread topic with my own rantings. I think I've repeated a few things as well, but sometimes restating is good... its nearly 3am here and I should have been asleep long ago... hopefully re-reading this doesn't make me feel stupid in the daytime. >.<"
I don't think a girlfriend is a solution to SA. I don't really think that trying hard to get a companion is a way to continue to fix SA either. A relationship won't work out right unless I get rid of SA first. If I am ever lucky enough find someone to share my life with, it will be because we are the right time in our lives and everything just lines up for the two of us. I don't think a relationship is something anyone can just "make" happen, there is NO RECIPE for it. I also don't expect it to be part of a solution for SA.
I think that the way those close relationships happen for the people lucky enough to find someone, is by overcoming their SA. Putting aside fear and trusting each other is what they are about. It's really hard, anyone on this site can probably tell plenty of stories about how their relationships are difficult to maintain because of SA. For me, it's hard to be comfortable with anyone sometimes...
I had a real girlfriend. I would have done anything for her. I still love her with all my heart, and she loves me too. Things haven't worked out because I struggle so much with a number of things, the biggest one being my social anxiety. I've known her as my lover and best friend for three years now. and I know she's the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. Panic attacks, losing my ability to communicate, and just being awkward have nearly destroyed our friendship a number of times. She becomes uncomfortable because of how weird I act sometimes, and even though in my heart I want to trust her completely, I haven't been able to stop my paranoid thoughts and panic attacks from causing big problems. She doesn't understand my SA because it's something she doesn't experience as much of. How bad mine is scares her. It makes me feel like a freak, like I'm stupid or just plain scared.
EDIT: I previously stated, "SA is the enemy of ALL relationships." I think this was something I blurted because I was tired and frustrated. A much better way to express my idea at the time would have been, "Giving up because we experience SA is the sure fire way to ruin any relationship."
I ask myself a lot, "If I never master my SA, how can I ever expect to have a successful relationship with the woman I love, or ever hope to find some decent friends?" I hate being alone, but I need to accept that no one else can fix this for me. It's great having as much support as I can get, and the fact that I have found a small number of people to encourage me is a huge change for the better from where I was once in my life... but when it all boils down I've got to overcome my fear on my own.
I think that the time to start looking for a significant other should come well after we form a group of friends. We are the most valuable part of our lives, but without friends, it still feels very empty. We can't make friends without socializing, and we can't form long lasting relationships without making friends first. Summer-love, crushes, infatuation, it's all temporary. The real thing comes when you don't expect it. I think I know because I've lost my heart to a woman only once, and nothing, no matter how much I get hurt or scared, and no matter who I meet or who tries to break it, I'm single, but definitely taken.
One thing I should have learned the hard way the first time is that if we go through life, looking for a romantic relationship, we'll always rush into one at the wrong time. The people we pair ourselves with won't be who or what we really need, and we won't be what they need either. We shouldn't look for someone to fix our problems or fill our needs, and we shouldn't try to change to be perfect for someone so they'll like us. We should just try to be as perfect as we can be for the "imaginary" person who we dream about. We need to think like them and do what thy would want us to do. I have had more experiences with the mistake or rushing in than I care to mention, EVER.
People need to be drawn together as companions NATURALLY. If you don't click with someone, it's because you don't click with them. If they are judging you badly, or if they are a jerk, then they aren't the kind of people you want around anyways, right?
Relationships (romantic and friendship-wise) are not something that we can plan or force. We can't trick someone into liking us; there is no truth in that, only a false trust that will soon break. Girlfriends and friends alike have to decide for themselves if they want to spend time with us. This doesn't mean we should change just to make them happy. Quite the contrary, we should seek out people who we choose to accept us as who we are. And we should also seek out people that we can accept as they are. We CAN NOT change others anymore than we can force others to accept us for who we are.
My advice would be to not look for a girlfriend unless you are very confident in your ability to manage under extremely stressful social situations. Serious relationships are full of those stressful situations, and if you can't deal with them, the relationship will fall apart. You'll need to be capable of forming a very strong bond with the person you choose to be with. That may mean having similar interests and ideas (which definitely makes it easier to accept each other), but perhaps more importantly, you must both be able to communicate and express the thoughts and feelings you have.
I think that if you're that confident in your ability to socialize that you think successfully managing such a complex relationship is within your reach, perhaps you are on the wrong type of forum.
Again, just my thoughts. I don't know you or your situation, and maybe that means it'd be better for me if I'd just shut up... I hope I'm not just filling your thread topic with my own rantings. I think I've repeated a few things as well, but sometimes restating is good... its nearly 3am here and I should have been asleep long ago... hopefully re-reading this doesn't make me feel stupid in the daytime. >.<"
Last edited:
Looking_in105
Well-known member
Im obviously not sure what stage you are at with overcoming SA, but if you feel confident enough, try just joining a club or do some volunteer work or something like that. Joining a club that involves something you enjoy would be a good start since you would already have something in common with the members.
I don't agree, negativity is
I agree that having a GF/BF is no cure though, there is no magic pill or fairy godmother wish unfortunaly
kihira
1
Luckily you only have to share some similar interests, not all, which makes it easier. And not everyone likes the party guy type. You are sounding positive with your work, keep it up!
FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
I wouldn’t even say that you have to have similar interests. It’s like the old saying goes “opposites attract” and in my experience they sometimes make better companions than people that have a lot in common.
One of my past GF’s and I had absolutely nothing in common, and we dated for over a year just fine. It was fun listening to her opposing perspectives and getting to experience things that I probably wouldn’t have given a second thought had we not been together. She found my darker, more sarcastic sense of humor and take on things a great counter to her upbeat and mostly optimistic personality. It was a great dynamic.
Many people view relationships and prospective partners as a puzzle that needs to be completed out of contrasting pieces, and not so much an exercise in finding a companion who is their mirror image.
I’ve always found the latter kind of boring, actually.
One of my past GF’s and I had absolutely nothing in common, and we dated for over a year just fine. It was fun listening to her opposing perspectives and getting to experience things that I probably wouldn’t have given a second thought had we not been together. She found my darker, more sarcastic sense of humor and take on things a great counter to her upbeat and mostly optimistic personality. It was a great dynamic.
Many people view relationships and prospective partners as a puzzle that needs to be completed out of contrasting pieces, and not so much an exercise in finding a companion who is their mirror image.
I’ve always found the latter kind of boring, actually.
cola junky
Active member
i want a girlfriend to and honestly that's all i can think about right now...
once i'll get a girlfriend i would be happy and most of my problems would be solved
but as Social-E-Aukward said:
SA is the enemy of ALL relationships
normal couple can have enough problems maintaining their relationships, we also need to worry about our sa all the time so it's even harder to maintain a relationship with sa.....
once i'll get a girlfriend i would be happy and most of my problems would be solved
but as Social-E-Aukward said:
SA is the enemy of ALL relationships
normal couple can have enough problems maintaining their relationships, we also need to worry about our sa all the time so it's even harder to maintain a relationship with sa.....
Sa is a part of me,I always have a hard time making friends,some kind of people I dont want to be friends with at all,I am not over confident,I dont like or always get anxious or blank when I am the center of attention,if someone wont accept me then screw them,at least I am not cheating or something worse.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
what coyote said.
Also, if there is one thing that suddenly takes you away from all of your problems, or seemingly 'solves everything', most likely it is dependency, or escape/hiding from your problems. They will find you with a vengeance. You have to go through the fire in order to get rid of SA. If you feel no fire you are not overcoming
Also, if there is one thing that suddenly takes you away from all of your problems, or seemingly 'solves everything', most likely it is dependency, or escape/hiding from your problems. They will find you with a vengeance. You have to go through the fire in order to get rid of SA. If you feel no fire you are not overcoming
planemo
Well-known member
Well in all honesty due to my isolation and loneliness I do crave for some type of companionship, but if I don't change my thinking and the issues which spawn from it, well even if I did have a girlfriend, I would be the same or even worse. Having a girlfriend means being around people, and well, I just don't do that.
However in saying that perhaps having one might help you feel better or be a much needed boost to confidence. Personally for me I think everything has its benefits and its harms. If you do find someone it will help you in some areas and ma prove a difficulty in others.
However in saying that perhaps having one might help you feel better or be a much needed boost to confidence. Personally for me I think everything has its benefits and its harms. If you do find someone it will help you in some areas and ma prove a difficulty in others.
Social-E-Aukward
Well-known member
I think I understand what you mean by your statement regarding negativity. Perhaps a better way of expressing what I meant by my statement is:
"Giving up because we experience SA is the sure fire way to ruin any relationship."
Social-E-Aukward
Well-known member
I rant for a good half hour or so late at night, and then you come along and sum up everything I was trying to say in just two lines. You're brilliant.
and I'm officially a late-night ranter, lol.