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Old 02-26-2013
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At the start of July 2012, after having been a regular on this forum for 6 years, I decided to take a long break and change my life, for the better. I wanted to never need to come back here again, hoping to recover. I deletedd over half of all my posts, including all 13 pages of threads I ever started. I wanted to forget about all the negativity in this place and in the words I wrote. I wanted to start anew.

That was 8 months ago. For the first 5 months, I succeeded. In that time, I quit smoking, quit binge eating, lost over 15kg through eating a proper diet, regular exercise. I read up on and also taught myself mental techniques to combat my anxieties and OCD. I was OCD and anxiety-free for months. It was the longest I went without a relapse. My mind was very positive and clear. I could sort out my thoughts, think about happy, bright things. I thought I could now live the life I always wanted. Panic, fear, anxiety, intrusive thoughts- they were things of the past.

But 3 months ago, almost overnight, my mind turned upon itself. It was a sudden shockwave that hit me one day, and I realised, in all that time, I was merely hiding and escaping from reality. I was creating illusions of safety, complacency and false positivity in order to protect my mind and my sanity from the cold, harsh reality that confronted me every day. I was not as positive and happy as I thought I was in those 5 months. No, that was a lie my mind fabricated to keep it from falling apart. I realised then that I was never truly happy or free from my anxiety/OCD during that time. I was just erecting a barrier between my mind and reality, blinding myself to the nasty truth of my debilitating disorders in order to prevent myself from going crazy because of the perpetual stress.

It is much like how a child who has suffered extreme mental trauma in his youth, grows up to suppress that painful memory because the mind is unable to accept the reality of its existence. Likewise, it was during that 3 month period that I realised this in an instant and my entire delusions of hope broke apart. The veil that covered my mind, protected it from itself, tore open. My mind once again saw the past, how futile the fight had been, that those words of hope and positivity I chanted to myself every day like a mantra during those 5 months were like empty prayers to a non-existent god, that I was merely using the placebo effect of self-reassurance to calm myself.

In those 3 months, I reverted back to what I was. I regained almost all of the weight I took so much hard work and discipline to lose. I smoked again, I binged on food like before. Relentlessly, the negativity assaulted my fragile mind, now no longer protected from the lies I once concealed it with. Here I am now, back where I started, an even greater failure...
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Old 02-26-2013
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I'm so sorry, Ashiene. But honestly, I see no problem with erecting a barrier between the mind and reality if that's what helped you. I wish I could do that myself. I wish that barrier hadn't broke for you and you were still in that positive place.
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Old 02-27-2013
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The truth is always out there. But it what in our hearts and minds that desides how we live it and our actions well deside what well be true in the future.
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Old 02-27-2013
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You are not a failure! I know I don't know you but I am sure you are not a failure. You weren't 8 months ago and you sure aren't now. Reality is only a fabrication within our heads, so what you believed those 5 months was reality. If you could be free from anxiety and ocd, and feel good about your life for a full a five months, who's to say that it won't last longer the next time. I know it's so much easier said than done. I hope you are able to find that happy version of yourself again. I hope we all are able to become that person!
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Old 02-27-2013
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Hey Ashiene Good for you for attempting to achieve happiness. Like they say, if you fail, try and try again. There's no shame in failure
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Old 02-27-2013
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Ashiene. I think you were on the right track. OCD and anxiety will always come back, it's a matter of whether you indulge/wallow in it. You saw it as a sign of failure when it was really just a speed bump.
I think you should give it another go.
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Old 02-27-2013
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Have to agree with the others on this one, you should try it again, look at all the things you achieved in those few months. You quit smoking, you began a healthy diet and exercise routine and most important of all, you were happy.
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Old 02-27-2013
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I’m sorry to hear about your relapse. I’ve read your post but I can’t help wondering what might had happened if you had managed to catch your thoughts and not reverted back to your old thinking and habits.

It seems as though for many of us, including me, CBT is very effective but needs to be applied consistently and possibly for the full duration of life.
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Old 02-27-2013
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Yes, it is very exhausting. I also applied CBT techniques. Fighting my OCD and Anxiety to the point where I was able to be happy was so much effort and work it was more than a full-time job that left me with little time to do anything else. Every negative thought that came, I pounced onto it and tried to convert it into a positive one- almost religiously like a priest trying to convert a person to his faith.

I realised that the moment I stop trying to fight my thoughts, they would return again in full force. There was no opportunity to relax. Every moment was spent combating negativity. Time and great effort were sacrificed only to feel short moments of calm and bliss. When I let down my guard, the depressing thoughts always came back.

5 months I spent this way, like an alchemist turning metal into gold. It was very exhausting. I was only trying to hide behind the wall of lies I built for myself, a wall so high I prevented myself from seeing over and past it at the reality waiting for me on the other side- the reality that I have tried to escape from but will always be there and that I will eventually have to face. But without any means to face that reality without breaking down, I erected this wall to protect myself, trapping myself in a world of fantasy and delusions.
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Old 03-03-2013
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Who else is as what I described above? Fighting SAD is too much time and effort, can't spare any to do other things...
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Old 03-03-2013
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Ashiene, I think you were onto something. CBT works. Were you doing this alone? I think that everybody needs a little help. I think seeing a therapist and talking to them about what you did, what happened, what you were trying to do and what you want would really help

When you have stuff, it never really goes away but you can learn coping skills and mechanisms so that it doesn't stop you from living the happy life you deserve.

Welcome back btw good to hear from you
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Old 03-03-2013
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ashiene View Post
Who else is as what I described above? Fighting SAD is too much time and effort, can't spare any to do other things...

I can sort of relate to you because my life has hit rock bottom(again) and so now I feel the urge to act as you did and try to fight my negative feelings full force. I've done this before and it never works.
But I'm trying to be reasonable this time and I'm thinking it's best to try positive thinking more slowly. In other words, allow some of the negativity in, but add some positivity as well. Slowly.
What I really need at this point is some good luck. Something good from outside myself that helps me renew my faith in the world and myself. But who can wait on that when it may never happen, and with the way things have been lately, I don't think it's going to happen any time soon!
Don't be too hard on yourself and just try taking some baby steps. Really, what else can we do?
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Old 03-03-2013
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I suppose I have made the decision to stop fighting my nature. I have found some peace in the fact that I no longer care if I have friends or if everyone hates me and refuses to even be civil or respect my opinions and right to free speech. I realized nobody was listening to me a long time ago. I think Lisa's line from the lady Gaga episode of the simpsons fits my life best. "it's not a frown, it's a straight line of resignation."

That being said, glad to see you back but not so glad as to the reason why.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ashiene View Post
Yes, it is very exhausting. I also applied CBT techniques. Fighting my OCD and Anxiety to the point where I was able to be happy was so much effort and work it was more than a full-time job that left me with little time to do anything else. Every negative thought that came, I pounced onto it and tried to convert it into a positive one- almost religiously like a priest trying to convert a person to his faith.
Yes it is very exhausting to keep doing this. The key is to accept both your positive and negative thoughts but not get obsessed with them. No one can be positive all the time, but it's also unhealthy to always be negative. Moderation is key. When having negative thoughts and feelings, try releasing them in safe ways. Vent on a blog (or website), talk to someone, etc. Just don't let them build up.

We all fall down many times in life. The next thing we should do is pick ourselves back up and keep going.
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Old 03-03-2013
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it seems as though for many of us, including me, cbt is very effective but needs to be applied consistently and possibly for the full duration of life.
:(

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Old 03-03-2013
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InvisaLady View Post
I suppose I have made the decision to stop fighting my nature. I have found some peace in the fact that I no longer care if I have friends or if everyone hates me and refuses to even be civil or respect my opinions and right to free speech. I realized nobody was listening to me a long time ago. I think Lisa's line from the lady Gaga episode of the simpsons fits my life best. "it's not a frown, it's a straight line of resignation."

That being said, glad to see you back but not so glad as to the reason why.
Whenever I start to accept my nature or disorder, it is as good as giving up, and then I begin to binge-eat and re-engage in self-destructive behavior like smoking because when I stop fighting against my disorders, I simply don't care enough about myself to live a healthy life anymore.
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"Our greatest battles are that with our own minds"

"Do not follow where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail"
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