Is this good or boring dialogue?

FriendlyShadow

Well-known member
I seem to have a lot of trouble with learning what to make characters say in a book. The biggest problem is that I'll sometimes give them a sort of long speech, but only beause I'd think it would make them have more depth/or make the audience who's reading get inside their mind. Would this sound too cheesy/unrealistic for someone who's met another person talk like this?:

"E-excuse me?" I tried to utter.

The guy spun his head around and looked up at me. As soon as I saw his face, I immediately went silent.

'But how?' I thought to myself again. 'This can't be right. It can't be him. It just can't be!'

When I first looked at him, I thought he could easily pass on for being a young teenager. He had somewhat of a childlike face. His eyes were filled like a deep sea of blue. Even his face had a palish, white color tone. But why did he look so familiar to me though?

"Yes?" He said, waiting for me to say something.

The way he spoke as well even sounded familiar. It was so strange though.

"Uhh, oh I'm sorry," I said quickly. "It's just I uhh, I saw you reading that book. I've read it before. It was pretty interesting to me."

He looked at me for a second and started to smile.

"Oh, yeah it's a really great book," He said, his eyes starting to intensify. "I've read it a couple times. Personally, I think it's one of my favorite stories to read from him."

"Mine too," I added. "I, uhh, actually do remember reading a few of his poetries in class when I was a kid. I think one of them was called The Raven."

He nodded his head, his eyes suddenly grew interest in me.

"Oh yeah, I loved reading his poems," He said back. "I just find them so fascinating. Like, everytime I'd read one of them, I'd just want to keep reading them over and over again. I did enjoy studying about him in school."

I nodded back at him.

"My favorite one was actually The Cask of Amontillado," I continued. "I was suprised by the ending when I read it as a kid... Not to mention the characters he creates. I-it's almost like he takes you inside his own imagination."

"Exactly!" The guy said, excitement rising in his voice. "I know what you mean. I guess when I was younger, I liked reading about that kind of stuff. I always liked reading about different kinds of poetries, different kinds of authors. It's almost like an escape for you, you know? It's like they take you into a whole new world.

"Do you come here often?" I asked, placing one of my hands on the couch. "This place does have a lot of great books you can read."

"Oh yeah, I do most of the time," He said, brushing back his hair. "But usually when I come here, I just like to relax and read in my spare time. There are some books that I really do enjoy reading here. What about you?"

I nodded again,

"Yeah, I do too.," I said, trying to control the shakiness of my voice. "I mostly come down here on Sundays, just to relax anyways. Seems like the weather's getting pretty rough out there."

"Yeah, I know," He said, looking up at the window. "I wasn't actually expecting it to be this bad. I did hear on the radio that later on it would start to clear up eventually. But I'd like to wait in here until it does though."

He then paused for a minute and turned back to me. He tilted his head, his face filled with perplexity.

"Hey, wait a minute," He started off saying. "Haven't I seen you before?"

I swallowed, struggling to find my words again. Now he thinks he knows who I am? Isn't it funny when you meet someone you barely even know and you begin to realize just how familiar they are to you? Could it just be my sub conciousness mind making me feel this way?

"Uhhh," I tried to say again. I hadn't always been the best at knowing what to say.

"Hold on a minute," He said, pointing his finger at my face. "I'm sorry it's just, maybe I've gotten it mixed up."

His eyes were carefully studying my face.

"It's just that," He paused, squinting his eyess. "You look very familiar to me. I-I can't explain it but, I don't know. Maybe it's just me, I mean--"

'Oh my god,' I thought to myself. 'Was talking to him a good idea after all. Or was it just a mistake?'

"Oh no, it's fine," I said, almost giggling. "I guess I do tend to have one of those faces."

The guy started to smile at me again. His eyes suddenly sparked up with interest.

"What's your name?" He asked.

I cleared my throat for a minute.

"M-mackenzie," I replied, trying not to croak.

He then opened his mouth a little in shock.

"Mackenzie," He said to himself, still studying my face. "Hmmm."

"W-what is it?" I said, but I couldn't help but stammer again.

He looked back up at me.

"Oh, it's nothing," He said, as if he were collecting his thoughts. "It's nothing, well... I mean, I thought I heard of a name like that before. Are you sure we've never met at all?"

I shrugged, but so many questions were filling inside the back of my mind. To be honest, I had a hard time even realizing if this was all really happening. How this guy claims that he remembers seeing me if he's so unsure of himself. I was only hoping it might've just been a joke.

"Ummm, I-I don't think we have," I said, trying to control my voice again. "I'm not quite sure. Sorry, I'm not very good at remembering faces that well."


As soon as I knew it, I found myself locking my eyes with him. He had the most intense stare I've ever seen. Those blue eyes could easily burn right through mine. The length of his hair reached almost past above his shoulders, appearing slightly damp and matted down from the rain I'd assume. It also looked like his hair was a mix of being half straight and half wavy.

"Oh, I see," He said, sounding like he was a bit dissapointed. "Sorry, maybe I'm just thinking of someone else. It's not important."

He paused for a minute, looking down. Maybe he was actually hoping I would've known him. All I had to decide was whether I wanted to continue playing this 'who knows who' guessing game with him, or if this might've been a good time to walk away while I had a chance. Though, I'm not sure if either one would've resloved this confusion.

"No, no its fine," I said, breaking the silence. "I mean, we just haven't really gotten a chance to know eachother yet."

He suddenly looked back up at me. I saw the way his face lit up when I said that. It must've surprised him to know that I still wanted to talk to him. I did want to see just how much I actually knew about this guy.

"Yeah, you're right," He said, licking his lips. "I'm sorry by the way, I forgot to introduce myself. My name's Nick."

'Nick!' I thought to myself. 'His name even sounds awfully familiar to me. But why though? Why is it that I can remember certain aspects about him, but at the same time, have so much trouble figuring out who he was? Or maybe it could possibly be out of pure coincidence. It's like there's just that one missing piece. That one, little missing piece I can't find to solving the mystery though.


I heard more loud rumbles of thunder shooting down through the skies. So loud that I was almost distracted from my own thoughts. There were a few people standing in between the aisles of book shelves, browsing at the books.

"It's nice to meet you Nick," I said back, shaking his hand. "Uhh, I was meaning to ask you if you lived from around here."

"I'm from Union," He replied. "I actually moved here a couple months ago. It took a pretty long road trip to get here. But I knew it would be worth it."

"And so you like living here in Auckland then?" I asked, suddenly becoming more curious. "Or would you've prefered being in another kind of city?"

He shook his head and shrugged.

"No, no it's actually a very nice place," He said, scratching his head. "To be honest, I wasn't actually expecting to move here so fast though. I liked spending most of my time with my family, you know? But I guess time keeps changing for me, in a way I'd say... It's... it's just hard when you have to decide what the best choice for you is. You just never really know until you've made it."

Despite the fact I hadn't known him so well, I couldn't deny myself that what he said was pretty much true. Even as a child, I had no kind of perception of what was going on around me. I've been trying to make myself learn, trying to seeing things for what they really were. It's like I painted this picture in my mind as a version of how I was able to see life through my own eyes. The way I saw things stood out much more differently than how everyone else would see them as.

"Yeah, I understand," I spoke softly. "I've felt like that a few times, I mean, I guess maybe things like that never would've crossed my mind until now."

I stopped myself for a minute, trying to collect my thoughts.

"Sorry, I-I kind of feel stupid for saying that," I continued, staring down at the floor.

"Why?" He asked.

At first, I wasn't expecting him to ask that question. I do in fact tend to keep a lot of these things private to myself. That's why a lot of people sometimes start to wonder about me. I'm just not the kind of person who feels comfortable sharing anything with anyone.

"Uhh, well I-I mean it's not that it matters really," I managed to utter. "I've been pretty thoughtless about it, making choices."

Nick shook his head again. His eyes were now suddenly filling with deep concern.

"Oh, don't say that," Nick said calmy. "You shouldn't feel that way. I mean, of course, when you're that young, you don't really think too much about it. Now, I know back then it didn't affect me as much as it does today. But that's part of what helps us to grow, you know. To learn from our mistakes. To become better than who we were then. And, well, I'd like to believe that maybe someday..."

He paused for a brief moment, shrugging his shoulders. I stood there, curiously waiting for him to finish his thoughts.

"Maybe someday things will start to change for us," He said again.

The way Nick spoke with such insightfulness amazed me Maybe it was because I'd never realized myself how much my own life had affected me. Not to mention how afraid I felt of accepting my own mistakes. I still had trouble forgetting how to move on and letting go of my past. If only I would've known then.

"You really think so?" I asked him, biting my lip.

"I'd like to believe that," He said. "Like I said, I mean, even when I was living in Union, I knew I had that urge to go after my dreams. I know, sounds a bit cheesy when I say that."

He cleared his throat, looking up at the window. The rain had still been striking the window glass. Now that I thought about, it was actually making this moment a pensive one. I couldn't even find the right words to express how I was beginning to feel.

"But... to me, I didn't like the idea of being famous," He continued, looking back at me. "Of course I know it can be a good feeling though for a lot of people. But like, I honestly wanted to picture myself doing other things. Like, I wanted to inspire people. I wanted to make my family happy. Those were actually the things that mattered to me most."

"Yeah, I see what you're saying," I said, nodding my head. "
 

Hoppy

Well-known member
It reads good to me, and you can be proud.

but I am not much of a writer.

Is there not other writing groups online where you can ask advice? I tend to get advice at Nanowrimo.org
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
I think some of the dialogue is good, where the speech is followed by a description of action that helps with understanding the emotion of the characters, and also the setting with rain hitting the window. I'd like more background to provide details about the characters in the dialogue, other than where they live. Perhaps you could provide more description of their appearance, mannerisms? I like the dialogue where the character sweeps back their hair, or scratches their head. Overall I think the writing is pretty good.

I think that another edit would be helpful to prune a 200 hundred words or more off this.

I do have some suggestions of how the dialogue could be tightened up to be made more immediate. My opinion of course.

Normally dialogue is written with a lower case after the comma.

For example

"Yes," he said.

Let me use another example where I think your dialogue could be improved.

"Why?" He asked.

I reckon you could drop the He asked. It seems redundant. You have indicated that Nick is following the narrator. A question is already implied.

"E-Excuse me' I tried to utter.


The narrator did utter, so the speech tag is hestitant. If the dialougue was spoken I recommend a description. I'd use, I stuttered.

"Uhhh," I tried to say again.

Again the narrator has spoken. Perhaps I struggled to say, would work better.

'But how' I thought to myself again. I'd use simply I thought. The rest of the dialogue tag is redundant. Who else would the narrator be thinking to?

Another example not dialogue related

His eyes were carefully studying my face.

He paused for a brief moment.

Active verb tense, can say the same with less.

His eyes carefully studied my face.

I'd prefer simply, He paused briefly. A moment is usually brief.

Below are one or two things that lifted me out of the story

I cleared my throat for a minute.

I get an image or someone clearing their mouth for a minute. A minute is a long time to clear a throat. What about I cleared my throat, or I quickly cleared my throat.

His eyes filling with perplexity.

His eyes were now filling with deep concern.

I notice you use the phrase filling quite a lot. Here I think you can show rather than tell what someone's facial expression looks like when they are perplexed or showing deep concern. Did their eyebrows lift, a questioning smile?
 
Last edited:
Top