Why
Well-known member
The purpose of this thread is to confess and the easiest way to do that is to do so anonymously to complete strangers because this is KILLING ME. I cant take it anymore.
Currently I am alone in an empty library, lurking these forums to read about how people suffer the same way as I do. I should be doing my work but whatever, that comes second to my life. I decided to finally muster the courage to post my story.
I am a Asian male in freshman year of college. I didn't realize how bad my life is until college started.
My childhood was very sheltered and uninteresting. My parents were not outgoing and the environment that me and my brother was raised in, was the exact same. Therefore, both of us have trouble socializing and making friends.My parents tried to focus on our education and insight rather than people skills and friendships.
As a kid, i was always the shy nice guy. I wasn't weird/outcast like some people here. I thought i was a pretty normal kid except I didnt talk much. I think my shyness stemmed from my upbringing and my stuttering. I suffered from mild stuttering when i was a kid, and sometimes still do to this day. I was too afraid to talk and stutter and embarass myself in front of peers so i kept silent. All my friends knew i stuttered, i seemed to stutter the most around them. Another reason i was so shy was my height. I was a late bloomer and a VERY small kid. The stereotypes of a small asian kid are sometimes true, and I weakly decided to accept them. Thus, i had few friends and virtually no female friends. I did however had 1 best friend, very close and funny, however he was an outgoing kid, i never realized why he would be friends with me.
This attitude continued until highschool senior year. I never had a gf, didnt go to prom, no dates. I had a small group of friends in HS that were similar to me, somewhat loners/losers but never the "weird" kid. We all shared a shyness factor but were talkative amongts ourselves. To this day, Im attracted to shy people (males and females) as friends because of my comfortability level with them. Shy people seem to have less standards for a friend and seem more accepting.
Well college rolls around and I realize how shitty my life is. I decided to dorm even though i lived 20min away in order to live the college experience. Turns out, very little changed. I have barely made any friends here and always go home on the weekends. My home is the true refuge, after a stressful and lonely week I always want to go home friday nights. At home, i get to have good food, watch tv , play games, and sleep forever. I dont have to worry about ppl judging me or my need to keep up a fake facade. Most of the ppl i consider friends here were my former HS friends, very sad. I don't know what i would do if i went to a far away university, no refuge to go to every weekend and no past friends there. But the thing is... I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE FRIENDS AND HANG OUT. I call people to eat or hang out but it seems like they dont return the favor as much. I got put in with 2 white roomates (nothin wrong wit that) and they are ok guys but we just arent friend compatible. They invite me to hang out with them and their friends but i reject them usually because its uncomfortable. When i am with unfamiliar people, i need to take a long time to get comfortable with them and then reveal myself. The group they hang with aren't just my type of friends and I just stay silent most of the time. That is why i dont party with them over weekends.
Even on msn, people seem to only talk to me when i IM them first. I consider myself very humorous and kind so I dont see why no1 wants to initiate anything with me. Ironically the people that chat with me the most are my online friends i made through a video game. Its weird that i feel so close to them. I even traveled to see one of them in person and had a blast, i felt like ive known him for years and hung out thousands of times.
The unique thing about my story is my facade i put up. I dont mean to brag but Im considered a very good looking kid, told by many people and in my own opinion. Too bad that is completely wasted right now in my life. I also dress nice and appear to be very sociable and "cool" out in real life. This is what kills me the most. I DONT want to appear to be a loser/loner to every1 because no1 wants to meet one. So i pretend i have plans to do every day and lie alot about my weekends. I hate spending time in my dorm room so i usually study in library and just waste time. I lie so much, sometimes i wanna kill myself. Its painful to see average people go party every weekend and have a good time and see myself, a good lookin kid, alone at home. I think this facade i put up drives many of my 'friends' away. Because many of them are shy like myself, they may be intimidated to initiate stuff with me. I just dont know what to do anymore.
I met this one girl on campus though somehow and we were pretty good friends. I could tell she liked me more than a friend and i did too. But one day i decided to reveal some things to her very personal and told her i wasnt ready for a relationship. She also initiated many things with me and i never really returned the favor. She asked me to dances, events, movies and stuff. I accepted some and had fun. Last week she told me she has a new boyfriend and my heart sank. I cant initiate anythin with her anymore. I hate keepin up this facade of the cool hot guy. Other girls notice me as well but im shy that i rarely look them in the eye and ignore them. This causes them to lose interest and leave. I dont know why I cant smile to strangers, only to my friends.
I just cant get past the "acquantice" zone. In my classes there are at least a few people i talk to and sit with, but outside of the class we never hang out. Sometimes we do school-related stuff together but thats it, never a true "frend" event. I just dont get it.
Even worse is that some friends invited me to live with them next year but i cant because my family cant afford. So that means the rest of college will consist of me commuting there and living at home... even less chances of a social life.
So with 5 weeks left in this school year i want a change. I need to change but Its so hard. All week I suffer from loneliness, it drives me nuts. Going home on fridays on the bus is so relaxing because i know i can be myself for once. I just dont get why a nice funny kid like myself have such a hard time achieving a social life compared to my 1 roomate. This kid is one of the crudest kids i ever met. He says anything he wants and doesnt care about the consequences. Yet he has many friends and always has plans.
Ah feels good to let that out.
I dont want sympathy. I want your brutally honest words/advice/insults because at this point, Ill take anyting. Ive been constantly thinking about seeing a therapist or w/e but i dont see how they can help me. I WANT to talk to ppl, i WANT to get out of my room but things just dont seem to work out.
however to get different results, i need to change the way i do things and that is one of the most difficult parts. I dont wanna be seen as a loner.
Thanks
Currently I am alone in an empty library, lurking these forums to read about how people suffer the same way as I do. I should be doing my work but whatever, that comes second to my life. I decided to finally muster the courage to post my story.
I am a Asian male in freshman year of college. I didn't realize how bad my life is until college started.
My childhood was very sheltered and uninteresting. My parents were not outgoing and the environment that me and my brother was raised in, was the exact same. Therefore, both of us have trouble socializing and making friends.My parents tried to focus on our education and insight rather than people skills and friendships.
As a kid, i was always the shy nice guy. I wasn't weird/outcast like some people here. I thought i was a pretty normal kid except I didnt talk much. I think my shyness stemmed from my upbringing and my stuttering. I suffered from mild stuttering when i was a kid, and sometimes still do to this day. I was too afraid to talk and stutter and embarass myself in front of peers so i kept silent. All my friends knew i stuttered, i seemed to stutter the most around them. Another reason i was so shy was my height. I was a late bloomer and a VERY small kid. The stereotypes of a small asian kid are sometimes true, and I weakly decided to accept them. Thus, i had few friends and virtually no female friends. I did however had 1 best friend, very close and funny, however he was an outgoing kid, i never realized why he would be friends with me.
This attitude continued until highschool senior year. I never had a gf, didnt go to prom, no dates. I had a small group of friends in HS that were similar to me, somewhat loners/losers but never the "weird" kid. We all shared a shyness factor but were talkative amongts ourselves. To this day, Im attracted to shy people (males and females) as friends because of my comfortability level with them. Shy people seem to have less standards for a friend and seem more accepting.
Well college rolls around and I realize how shitty my life is. I decided to dorm even though i lived 20min away in order to live the college experience. Turns out, very little changed. I have barely made any friends here and always go home on the weekends. My home is the true refuge, after a stressful and lonely week I always want to go home friday nights. At home, i get to have good food, watch tv , play games, and sleep forever. I dont have to worry about ppl judging me or my need to keep up a fake facade. Most of the ppl i consider friends here were my former HS friends, very sad. I don't know what i would do if i went to a far away university, no refuge to go to every weekend and no past friends there. But the thing is... I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE FRIENDS AND HANG OUT. I call people to eat or hang out but it seems like they dont return the favor as much. I got put in with 2 white roomates (nothin wrong wit that) and they are ok guys but we just arent friend compatible. They invite me to hang out with them and their friends but i reject them usually because its uncomfortable. When i am with unfamiliar people, i need to take a long time to get comfortable with them and then reveal myself. The group they hang with aren't just my type of friends and I just stay silent most of the time. That is why i dont party with them over weekends.
Even on msn, people seem to only talk to me when i IM them first. I consider myself very humorous and kind so I dont see why no1 wants to initiate anything with me. Ironically the people that chat with me the most are my online friends i made through a video game. Its weird that i feel so close to them. I even traveled to see one of them in person and had a blast, i felt like ive known him for years and hung out thousands of times.
The unique thing about my story is my facade i put up. I dont mean to brag but Im considered a very good looking kid, told by many people and in my own opinion. Too bad that is completely wasted right now in my life. I also dress nice and appear to be very sociable and "cool" out in real life. This is what kills me the most. I DONT want to appear to be a loser/loner to every1 because no1 wants to meet one. So i pretend i have plans to do every day and lie alot about my weekends. I hate spending time in my dorm room so i usually study in library and just waste time. I lie so much, sometimes i wanna kill myself. Its painful to see average people go party every weekend and have a good time and see myself, a good lookin kid, alone at home. I think this facade i put up drives many of my 'friends' away. Because many of them are shy like myself, they may be intimidated to initiate stuff with me. I just dont know what to do anymore.
I met this one girl on campus though somehow and we were pretty good friends. I could tell she liked me more than a friend and i did too. But one day i decided to reveal some things to her very personal and told her i wasnt ready for a relationship. She also initiated many things with me and i never really returned the favor. She asked me to dances, events, movies and stuff. I accepted some and had fun. Last week she told me she has a new boyfriend and my heart sank. I cant initiate anythin with her anymore. I hate keepin up this facade of the cool hot guy. Other girls notice me as well but im shy that i rarely look them in the eye and ignore them. This causes them to lose interest and leave. I dont know why I cant smile to strangers, only to my friends.
I just cant get past the "acquantice" zone. In my classes there are at least a few people i talk to and sit with, but outside of the class we never hang out. Sometimes we do school-related stuff together but thats it, never a true "frend" event. I just dont get it.
Even worse is that some friends invited me to live with them next year but i cant because my family cant afford. So that means the rest of college will consist of me commuting there and living at home... even less chances of a social life.
So with 5 weeks left in this school year i want a change. I need to change but Its so hard. All week I suffer from loneliness, it drives me nuts. Going home on fridays on the bus is so relaxing because i know i can be myself for once. I just dont get why a nice funny kid like myself have such a hard time achieving a social life compared to my 1 roomate. This kid is one of the crudest kids i ever met. He says anything he wants and doesnt care about the consequences. Yet he has many friends and always has plans.
Ah feels good to let that out.
I dont want sympathy. I want your brutally honest words/advice/insults because at this point, Ill take anyting. Ive been constantly thinking about seeing a therapist or w/e but i dont see how they can help me. I WANT to talk to ppl, i WANT to get out of my room but things just dont seem to work out.
however to get different results, i need to change the way i do things and that is one of the most difficult parts. I dont wanna be seen as a loner.
Thanks