Is Anyone listening? My confessions

Why

Well-known member
The purpose of this thread is to confess and the easiest way to do that is to do so anonymously to complete strangers because this is KILLING ME. I cant take it anymore.

Currently I am alone in an empty library, lurking these forums to read about how people suffer the same way as I do. I should be doing my work but whatever, that comes second to my life. I decided to finally muster the courage to post my story.

I am a Asian male in freshman year of college. I didn't realize how bad my life is until college started.

My childhood was very sheltered and uninteresting. My parents were not outgoing and the environment that me and my brother was raised in, was the exact same. Therefore, both of us have trouble socializing and making friends.My parents tried to focus on our education and insight rather than people skills and friendships.

As a kid, i was always the shy nice guy. I wasn't weird/outcast like some people here. I thought i was a pretty normal kid except I didnt talk much. I think my shyness stemmed from my upbringing and my stuttering. I suffered from mild stuttering when i was a kid, and sometimes still do to this day. I was too afraid to talk and stutter and embarass myself in front of peers so i kept silent. All my friends knew i stuttered, i seemed to stutter the most around them. Another reason i was so shy was my height. I was a late bloomer and a VERY small kid. The stereotypes of a small asian kid are sometimes true, and I weakly decided to accept them. Thus, i had few friends and virtually no female friends. I did however had 1 best friend, very close and funny, however he was an outgoing kid, i never realized why he would be friends with me.

This attitude continued until highschool senior year. I never had a gf, didnt go to prom, no dates. I had a small group of friends in HS that were similar to me, somewhat loners/losers but never the "weird" kid. We all shared a shyness factor but were talkative amongts ourselves. To this day, Im attracted to shy people (males and females) as friends because of my comfortability level with them. Shy people seem to have less standards for a friend and seem more accepting.

Well college rolls around and I realize how shitty my life is. I decided to dorm even though i lived 20min away in order to live the college experience. Turns out, very little changed. I have barely made any friends here and always go home on the weekends. My home is the true refuge, after a stressful and lonely week I always want to go home friday nights. At home, i get to have good food, watch tv , play games, and sleep forever. I dont have to worry about ppl judging me or my need to keep up a fake facade. Most of the ppl i consider friends here were my former HS friends, very sad. I don't know what i would do if i went to a far away university, no refuge to go to every weekend and no past friends there. But the thing is... I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE FRIENDS AND HANG OUT. I call people to eat or hang out but it seems like they dont return the favor as much. I got put in with 2 white roomates (nothin wrong wit that) and they are ok guys but we just arent friend compatible. They invite me to hang out with them and their friends but i reject them usually because its uncomfortable. When i am with unfamiliar people, i need to take a long time to get comfortable with them and then reveal myself. The group they hang with aren't just my type of friends and I just stay silent most of the time. That is why i dont party with them over weekends.

Even on msn, people seem to only talk to me when i IM them first. I consider myself very humorous and kind so I dont see why no1 wants to initiate anything with me. Ironically the people that chat with me the most are my online friends i made through a video game. Its weird that i feel so close to them. I even traveled to see one of them in person and had a blast, i felt like ive known him for years and hung out thousands of times.

The unique thing about my story is my facade i put up. I dont mean to brag but Im considered a very good looking kid, told by many people and in my own opinion. Too bad that is completely wasted right now in my life. I also dress nice and appear to be very sociable and "cool" out in real life. This is what kills me the most. I DONT want to appear to be a loser/loner to every1 because no1 wants to meet one. So i pretend i have plans to do every day and lie alot about my weekends. I hate spending time in my dorm room so i usually study in library and just waste time. I lie so much, sometimes i wanna kill myself. Its painful to see average people go party every weekend and have a good time and see myself, a good lookin kid, alone at home. I think this facade i put up drives many of my 'friends' away. Because many of them are shy like myself, they may be intimidated to initiate stuff with me. I just dont know what to do anymore.

I met this one girl on campus though somehow and we were pretty good friends. I could tell she liked me more than a friend and i did too. But one day i decided to reveal some things to her very personal and told her i wasnt ready for a relationship. She also initiated many things with me and i never really returned the favor. She asked me to dances, events, movies and stuff. I accepted some and had fun. Last week she told me she has a new boyfriend and my heart sank. I cant initiate anythin with her anymore. I hate keepin up this facade of the cool hot guy. Other girls notice me as well but im shy that i rarely look them in the eye and ignore them. This causes them to lose interest and leave. I dont know why I cant smile to strangers, only to my friends.

I just cant get past the "acquantice" zone. In my classes there are at least a few people i talk to and sit with, but outside of the class we never hang out. Sometimes we do school-related stuff together but thats it, never a true "frend" event. I just dont get it.


Even worse is that some friends invited me to live with them next year but i cant because my family cant afford. So that means the rest of college will consist of me commuting there and living at home... even less chances of a social life.

So with 5 weeks left in this school year i want a change. I need to change but Its so hard. All week I suffer from loneliness, it drives me nuts. Going home on fridays on the bus is so relaxing because i know i can be myself for once. I just dont get why a nice funny kid like myself have such a hard time achieving a social life compared to my 1 roomate. This kid is one of the crudest kids i ever met. He says anything he wants and doesnt care about the consequences. Yet he has many friends and always has plans.


Ah feels good to let that out.
I dont want sympathy. I want your brutally honest words/advice/insults because at this point, Ill take anyting. Ive been constantly thinking about seeing a therapist or w/e but i dont see how they can help me. I WANT to talk to ppl, i WANT to get out of my room but things just dont seem to work out.

however to get different results, i need to change the way i do things and that is one of the most difficult parts. I dont wanna be seen as a loner.

Thanks
 

anomicdeer

Well-known member
I try to make friends too. I have one friend and I am happy with it. Sometimes it bothers me the way I am. Sometimes I am happy I am not like the people where I am because I probably would be in worst situations... if depression isnt the worst thing to go through.

I am an outcast so of course it's noticable for people to have a slight clue of who I am. Well that's if you can really judge a book by it's cover. Well I think most people look at someone and think of who they may be but I may not always be what people think. or I may not call myself that kind of person.

I do want a better life but I procrastinate more and more and I don't care where I end up. No one would like me whether I live this way forever or kill myself. They both a negative to most people, but I don't see anything wrong with it. At least I wouldn't waste anyones time.
 

Why

Well-known member
My closest friends rite now dont live on campus so its hard to find my "go-to" guy because it seems like EVERYone has at least a good friend that they can hang out wiht/eat with anytime. It's hard to get closer to my existing friends when they have their own groups of friends/ best frineds :C
 
Yeah there are definitely cultural reasons for getting SP.

I too am asian, freshman in college and last year I decided to move away from home so I can have the dorm experience. I also roomed with a white guy and even though he was a good roomie and a "nice guy" type person, I couldn't really relax / be myself around him. Mostly because he had everything - he's good looking, he's on a varsity sports team, equally smart and geeky as me, has a beautiful gf. Being around him, I'm constantly reminded of my failures and incompetency.

I also had a pretty normal and boring childhood. I wasn't bullied, I wasn't weird, but I was an outcast because of SP.

I buried myself with schoolwork because I needed an excuse for not socializing. etc etc. Didn't have any real friends in highschool because I was too self-conscious of my english which is my second language... Couldn't go to prom / graduation ceremony cuz of SP.

In grade 10 I tried CBT and medication. Didn't see much progress. And the psychologist had this condescending attitude and pretty much blamed it on my lack of motivation so I gave up

Personally moving away for university turned out to be the best decision Ive ever made. I met some people in dorm who I really felt comfortable around. And I've seen actual improvement in my SP. This gave me a lot of hope and a lot of motivation to keep fighting this battle against SP.

Even though seeing a psych didn't help me - I still suggest you try it. I think counsellors in uni is free right? so you've got nothing to lose. ask about CBT
 
I really recommend that you check out CBT. If you can't afford to get a therapist, try torrent the tape series "overcoming social anxiety step by step"

Best of luck to u
 

mndigi

Well-known member
I listened to you because I can't make people listen to me...well at least I listened to 4/5th of you.
 

Hushabye

New member
I DONT want to appear to be a loser/loner to every1 because no1 wants to meet one. So i pretend i have plans to do every day and lie alot about my weekends.

I do the same thing. When someone asks me what i did last weekend I answer "I went to a birthday party" or "Just hang with a friend", that is a lie the 99% of the times. When I begin to have a more friendly relationship with this person, my fear of being discovered about how my social life really is, (and the fact that this person will realize that I am a loser, and also, a liar) is so big that I am the one who ends the relationship.

So without friends, i can't make new ones. It's a vicious circle.
ps: is my english understandable? :confused:
 

danstelter

Well-known member
But the thing is... I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE FRIENDS AND HANG OUT. I call people to eat or hang out but it seems like they dont return the favor as much. I got put in with 2 white roomates (nothin wrong wit that) and they are ok guys but we just arent friend compatible.

Your story sounds a lot like mine, and while I was struggling like you are at that age, I am now 26 and kicking ass!

This is the case with most people. Most people don't want friends, but only people who can give them some sort of benefit, either socially or financially speaking. Most relationships are shallow, on-the-go, and filled with gimmicks to trick other people into thinking that the relationship is a good one (a pretty pessimistic view I know). One thing you do know is that you are compatible with some people and not others, which is good. Try to join campus groups or get involved in volunteer or community activities where you think you will meet people that you will be compatible with.

Even on msn, people seem to only talk to me when i IM them first. I consider myself very humorous and kind so I dont see why no1 wants to initiate anything with me. Ironically the people that chat with me the most are my online friends i made through a video game. Its weird that i feel so close to them. I even traveled to see one of them in person and had a blast, i felt like ive known him for years and hung out thousands of times

This is a totally legitimate way to have friendships given our current technology level! Great work! You say you are a good looking person who feels like he is wasting his talents...that's the same way I felt for quite some time. I wasn't good at the dating game in my teenage years and found myself alone also. It sucked. But, I kept working away at dating (people have different goals when dating - sex, manipulation, or finding a good partner - I wanted to find a good partner), and now I have a great partner to whom I will be married in the next year.

You say you want to make progress in the next 5 weeks...that's great that you have motivation! Motivation leads to success. However, making large progress in a matter of 5 weeks is not realistic, but you can make some small progress if you stick to it. If you work hard at it over summer (just getting out there and doing things) you will notice you are much different by the Fall term. Just keep putting yourself out there and eventually something works out, even if things seem like they won't. Good luck and keep us updated on your progress!
 

imgoin85

Member
Hahahaha. pretty much my story exactly. i'm a freshman in college that dorms too. i like to go home on the weekends because everyone else is doing all this stuff and if i stayed id probably be in my dorm, doing nothing.
my advice:
just do it. nike it. seriously there's no way around it, under it or over it. you gotta go through it. the fact that you feel that you are fake is pretty much your anxiety. everything you feel is your anxiety.
you gotta stop thinking about it. recently i got really mad at life and i stopped caring about everything. what people thought of me, what people said when i wasnt there. everything. its actually working. its easier to talk to people if you trust them. if you think that yes they are there to be your friend and they dont want to hurt you then its easier to be around them. you cant be scared, because you cant afford to be scared. there is less than 2 weeks in my school left and i dont wanna waste it. i wanna leave college on a good note, but i dont know what to do. 2 weeks isnt a long time. 5 weeks is a long time. you can make friends and everything.
also go hang out with your roommates. at least your roommates invite you to stuff, my roommate is a douchebag that thinks hes the greatest thing in the world. and if you cant find a reason to go and go through all that pain, just go to get rid of youre anxiety. alot of things i do now i dont want to do or have any interest in doing but i know if i do it itll help me get over my stupid social anxiety.
basically stop listening to your head. when your head says that the situation you are in is uncomfortable, it's lying to you. most of the time you are the only one thats uncomfortable. same thing about the fakeness, things seem fake because you havent done them enough. you just gotta do it. everytime you get scared, think 'nike' and do it.

now if only i took this advice. i know it's hard but its the only way to get better. and im working on it and so should you.
 

Why

Well-known member
well id say i have MILD social anxiety, i get a bit nervous hangin with ppl im not comfortable with (but doesnt every1?) So that is probably why i dont hang with my roomates much, i just dont "fit" in and dont have fun with them. I also seem like a nuisance to their frends when i join in. I just wish my friends realized im just a normal guy in reality and would treat me like a real friend. Also i wish ppl came up to talk to me more but my habits of being cold and stand off-ish kill that = =

i need help
 

Why

Well-known member
I do the same thing. When someone asks me what i did last weekend I answer "I went to a birthday party" or "Just hang with a friend", that is a lie the 99% of the times. When I begin to have a more friendly relationship with this person, my fear of being discovered about how my social life really is, (and the fact that this person will realize that I am a loser, and also, a liar) is so big that I am the one who ends the relationship.

So without friends, i can't make new ones. It's a vicious circle.
ps: is my english understandable? :confused:

ugh i hate this

so that is why im drawn to more shy/reserved ppl because most of the time they have less friends than the popular kid but usually closer ones. I just want my existing 'freindships' to be closer so they can be comfortable callin me for whatever
 

PennyLane

Well-known member
hey im kind of in a similar situation except im a girl in 3rd year uni..im not Asian but i reckon my mum was pretty over protective of me, as she was by herself.

Anyway im at uni overseas as an international student so i dont even get to go home for weekends or for the holidays. In fact its mid semester this week and I have no where to go...so i guess i'll just be in my room for a week!

a bit like you my flatmates ask me to join them for things and i think they like me, except for the fact that they've now noticed I NEVER go out so they think thats weird! But whenever they ask I always so no and end up being alone instead. Im not gorgeous or anything but im fairly attractive and some guys like me but I feel like its really hard work to keep up the situation...im just waiting for them to realise how boring i am

So the crazy thing is im unbelievably BORED and LONELY, in fact both of these in extremes and yet because i can't talk to people (and feel like I say the wrong thing when I do) or say yes when people invite me to parties etc im totally missing out!

So uni finishes in 6 weeks and I go home for good (yay) except now im worried this is how my life is going to be as it seems to have progressed so much!!

Sorry that was all about me....but im afraid i dont actually have advice...because im in the same situation!!!
 

Why

Well-known member
hey im kind of in a similar situation except im a girl in 3rd year uni..im not Asian but i reckon my mum was pretty over protective of me, as she was by herself.

Anyway im at uni overseas as an international student so i dont even get to go home for weekends or for the holidays. In fact its mid semester this week and I have no where to go...so i guess i'll just be in my room for a week!

a bit like you my flatmates ask me to join them for things and i think they like me, except for the fact that they've now noticed I NEVER go out so they think thats weird! But whenever they ask I always so no and end up being alone instead. Im not gorgeous or anything but im fairly attractive and some guys like me but I feel like its really hard work to keep up the situation...im just waiting for them to realise how boring i am

So the crazy thing is im unbelievably BORED and LONELY, in fact both of these in extremes and yet because i can't talk to people (and feel like I say the wrong thing when I do) or say yes when people invite me to parties etc im totally missing out!

So uni finishes in 6 weeks and I go home for good (yay) except now im worried this is how my life is going to be as it seems to have progressed so much!!

Sorry that was all about me....but im afraid i dont actually have advice...because im in the same situation!!!
wow i cant believe i found my old thread
pretty much same situation - - cept summetime and school starts 3weeks (lookin forward to it!!! hope for change)
 
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