I'll just leave these here..

my thoughts that is, so it might turn into some sort of journal at the end of this.
I've been thinking more and more about myself the last couple months, and have realized that I don't really understand myself. I mean I understand why I have anxiety in social situations, but (probably unrelated to anxiety) what I don't get, is why I have no motivation and no real desire to talk to most people.

I don't hate people and actually enjoy talking to a couple of people, but the rest I don't feel there is any reason to.

All I do is work, not only because I work a lot of hours, but because that's all I really do. Better than the alternative of people looking down on you for not working when you obviously can. I only do things that need to be done, sitting in my hotel room on my computer waiting for the next day. I don't feel like I am depressed, although I do feel a little sad a couple days a month I just have no drive to do anything else.

Hopefully some of that made a little sense, maybe someone can relate to some of those things... Maybe typing all of this out as I think of it will help it make better sense to me.

welder said:

I mean I understand why I have anxiety in social situations, but (probably unrelated to anxiety) what I don't get, is why I have no motivation and no real desire to talk to most people.

I don't hate people and actually enjoy talking to a couple of people, but the rest I don't feel there is any reason to.

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I have the same problem too. One possible reason is introversion and social anhedonia. Interacting with most people gives me no pleasure at all. So I have to force myself to talk to people. I look very deadpan and boring when I do this, so I need to take acting lessons to make my performance more convincing.

Hey I hear ya

I think that maybe it's just anhedonia in general for me. No desire to to things, and if I am doing something there is no pleasure and only serves as a different way to fill time. So I guess what a hobby is to me is just a more interesting way to fill time.

It seems like my desire to do things and the pleasure I get from them has gone down the last couple years. As an example I built an electric go kart to be able to race against other people and I do take it to races, but just about every time I let someone else race it for me. Which sort of sucks because I used to like doing stuff like that.

Random fact for today: I have never been to a restaurant and sat down and ate by myself, only have gone with others.

welder said:

Random fact for today: I have never been to a restaurant and sat down and ate by myself, only have gone with others.

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Me too! I have sat by myself in school dining areas but outside of campus, I have never been to a restaurant and sat down and ate by myself. I'm a bit scared of doing that. At school when I sit by myself in the cafeteria, I used to get comments (usually from ladies) like "why is she sitting by herself?" As if it's not normal for a girl to sit by herself.

welder said:

Random fact for today: I have never been to a restaurant and sat down and ate by myself, only have gone with others.

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jaim38 said:

Me too! I have sat by myself in school dining areas but outside of campus, I have never been to a restaurant and sat down and ate by myself. I'm a bit scared of doing that. At school when I sit by myself in the cafeteria, I used to get comments (usually from ladies) like "why is she sitting by herself?" As if it's not normal for a girl to sit by herself.

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I'm going to sound like a broken record, because I've mentioned this before, but I can do this now, although it did take some time to get over, and I still faltered on Sunday by not going to a restaurant I wanted.

Once you can push through that, you'll eat out all the time! Take an iPod, a book, your tablet if you have one - something to keep you occupied while you eat your food. There's nothing wrong with it and lots of people eat on their own. I've never gotten weird looks or anything from that, so don't fret too much. As I said, it does take time to break that wall, so don't expect an overnight epiphany.

I agree, forcing myself to do things has helped I've been making myself go places to get my food and it has been getting easier. Grocery stores are the worst for me though, but it's either go or don't eat.

I guess ill update for the last week.. Haven't been home in a few months hoping we can finish this job and go home for a bit, but we'll probably be off to some other state. Ready to be out of Illinois though, not a very pretty state in my opinion all I've seen are corn fields. I miss the trees and mountains of Oregon lol

Found out last week a girl I went to school with in 7th and 8th grade died in a car crash last week. Pretty crazy how things can happen like that, sounds like she had a kid too. Didn't really know her, but I can imagine that the kid will have a hard time growing up.

Also the 17th of this month marked 1 year since my dad died, which for some reason does not really affect me. It seems I have very limited emotions over the last couple years, maybe it has something to do with my motivation problems, not sure.

Well today was weird. So I was standing in line at the store and a very good looking girl walks by and looks and makes eye contact three times. Who knows if she was checking me out or not, not sure since I am far from good looking and have never noticed girls checking me out before. I'll just assume she has low standards if she's checking me out::.

Well I will be headed to another job in a few days which will make the 7th state I have worked in this year. I would like to actually go out and see each state I go to and be able to say that I've been there and I've seen this or that. I just want some sort of drive or desire to go out and do things and not waste my life away. I just wonder sometimes about what the point of life is, all I have figured out now is you work to live and you live to die. I want more than that I just have to figure out how to get there.