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Old 05-26-2015
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I used to have a "life", if I can claim that much... I'm not sure. But I left the house, I drove a car to many places, I had a job that I went to, I think I had friends, I had (at least) one family member... But now that all seems so far away. For the past 5 years now, I've been hiding because of things that happened over 15 years ago! Things happened to me and around me, that didn't affect me then the way they do now.
I'm angry that this is happening now! I finally got to a safer place, and yet I feel more of a loss of control than ever. Everyone keeps telling me that I will get better, but I don't see or feel it. I try not to be judgmental of myself, but it's hard since I feel unproductive and that I don't contribute anything. It just feels so unfair! I thought I was stronger, for some reason. But it was just a matter of time, I guess, before things really came to the surface.
Why am I feeling or reacting this way now, as opposed to when these things actually happened to me?
It feels as if agoraphobia is like a waiting predator that attacks only after the prey heals from previous wounds...

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