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Old 05-19-2013
Inmyshell's Avatar
Newbie User

I have stayed inside of my room for 7 years because I just don't want to deal with people at all. I think they all judge me and think I'm stupid and sometimes I think they can read my thoughts and watch me through my window even though its covered with a thick dark curtain and blinds. I know it sounds crazy but I really feel like they do it. Sometimes I think my room is haunted and sometimes I get scared and believe that zombies exist. I only have medicaid health insurance and live in California but I was told that I will have to pay if I try to go to a hospital or see a psychiatrist and I don't think I can afford it because I barely have enough money to survive on and I'm living off of SSA.

I am almost 30 but since I was 15 I've been in and out of mental hospitals, for clinical depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder (which gradually went away) and something else that I can't remember. When I was 18 I was placed in a board and care home for the mentally ill and they had a program for independent living that I joined. They helped me get a decent job which I kept for 4 years, I moved out to live on my own but I made the mistake of thinking I was better and stopped going to counseling and taking my medication. Well I had a major break down and ended up losing that job as a result.

I was physically abused when I was a kid by family members and I was severely bullied all through school. I've seen some really bad things happen, and had some really bad things happen to me which I will not mention. I'm shy and quiet, but I'm not shy when I'm mad, I don't trust people including my own family. And now as an adult whenever I get angry I fly off the handle and get extremely violent and out of control, or when I'm sad it could be over the littlest thing I get suicidal thoughts and feel like death is the only answer and like its the end of the world for me. My emotions are extreme and I can't always control them or how I react and sometimes it scares me.

I spend my days watching tv, doing artwork and writing but none of that's fulfilling anymore. I space out alot can't focus on anything without my mind drifting away sometimes for hours at time. Because I get scared of some of the stuff I mentioned in the beginning paragraph I have a hard time sleeping so I try to stay up as long as I can. I don't even like to interact with others online but I found this forum and there seems to be alot of people with issues I can relate to. I want to function again and have a job even if its minimum wage but I don't think anyone would hire me because I'm so awkward however, I'm willing to put aside the dislike of being around people just to have something more to do with my life.

I have no friends (which doesn't bother me) and I rent a room from my mom who I don't trust and she has bipolar disorder. I cry 3-4 times a week. My appearance well I completely let myself go. Sometimes I can't bring myself to take a full shower. I just stand under the water, sulk and get out. I only leave my room to get food, return the dishes, and use the bathroom because I don't even want to see my mom and don't want her or anyone else talking to me. Sometimes I get really angry if they do and snap at them. I go outside twice a month at night when no one can see me for a short period of time. I have to cut all my hair off once year because it becomes so matted and I hand wash my clothes.

I want help because I don't like living like this. I like to think maybe just someday I can function somewhat normal again. Its disgusting because I know somewhere someone in a 3rd world country would be so grateful to even have the opportunities I have but I'm such a coward. I just don't know what steps to take given my circumstances.
Inmyshell is offline  
Old 05-19-2013

I can relate myself with your situation. I dont know, how to help you. But, I hope my one word will help. hope so. "Work"
I am working, even after all the problems and I dont care what other talk about me. I dont care about my hairs, clothes or anything. I Just need to work to live in this world. and believe it or not. work is the only thing that keeps me alive. Just somehow, try to grab one. It will have, like it helped me a bit.
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Old 05-19-2013
Remus's Avatar
Super Moderator
Elite User

That sounds like a horrific situation, Your childhood diagnosis sounds accurate but that does not explain your thinking that people can read your thoughts, do you suspect some other condition?

I have a close friend that is in a similar way, though they have paranoid schizophrenia too and I try to help get them out of the house or even wash, feed themselves or buy new clothes. So I can appreciate how difficult it is for you to tackle this with zero support.

If you cannot afford psychiatric help, would self help books be of any use? Even though we have a free healthcare in the UK, I found more help from books than shrinks. I guess you just need docs for the meds.

There's volunteer work that charities often run worldwide, maybe they could fit you in, they often accept people with MH issues. In the UK we have MIND, maybe there's a US equivalent someone here may know about?
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Old 05-19-2013
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Newbie User

that is terrible Dude you do need help, so during this 7 years how did you manage yourself to get an education or to get married? oh man you wasted a big part of your life, but you have to get help.i feel sorry for you.
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Old 05-19-2013
springk's Avatar
Expert User

I feel for you, honestly i dont have a answer, i will not say any thing useful i know because i dont know any answers.
I just want to say, try to seek some help, any small effort you can do, may be you will get your way out.
you will have to put a brave front to life however cruel it may seem.
I dont want to preach anything ,its just that there isnt any option.
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Old 05-19-2013

Hi and welcome to the forum! I'm agoraphobic too, staying in the house a lot only coming out when I need to. Like you, I have let myself go and just wear whatever. My fashion's horrible. I have gained 20 lbs but have since lost them with exercise.

I just don't want to deal with people at all. I think they all judge me and think I'm stupid and sometimes I think they can read my thoughts
I don't know how to deal with people either. Sometimes no matter what I do I can never seem to satisfy people or get them to leave me alone. But then I realize I shouldn't care about what other people think about me. Here's a good thread to refer to:

Posting in this forum is a good start. Sometimes it's cathartic to read posts from others who are in the same situation.
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Old 05-19-2013
Bo592's Avatar
Advanced User

This almost feel like I am reading about my pass life. I too have let my self go for years and years wondering why should I try to look nice for no one to see me or care about me. But I did get myself better of this. you have to take things slow don`t focus on interacting or how people feels about you right now YOU just need to focus on being able to live around people first being able to eat around people, being able to think and focus on what going on around you. Take slow steps first to the mail box then try and work a puzzle around people to see how well you are able to think when you are around people. Think how well was you able to complete the puzzle compared to when you was in the comfort place. I know it feel pointless to try and make your self look nice right now but believe me it works put on nice clothes is like putting on a new personailty it help you think and feel better your not doing it just for other people your doing for you too.
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Old 05-20-2013
Xervello's Avatar
Expert User

I can identify with a lot of that. For the last ten years I've been a recluse. Leaving the house once or twice a year, at most. So I have no answers to give, really, only suggestions. There's no quick-fix, as you well know, so you'll just have to focus on each thing at a time. I'd start with hygenics and health. Force yourself into grooming more, and working out occasionally. Perhaps try forcing yourself back into writing, as well. See if it takes. And use all of your resources. Your family and any other contacts you might have to find an "in" to a job. Or have them help you find additional assistance via various gov programs, mental health clinics or job placement agencies. It's gonna rely on you to save yourself from yourself. I wish you luck. And welcome to the forum. I look forward to hearing more from you.
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Old 05-20-2013
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Elite User

I can give you lots of advice here, but having read your post I think you are intelligent enough so that you know what your problems are.

You have been in the mental health system, I would recommend that you go back in there for the support you need, and you are going to need a lot.

Good luck.
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Old 05-20-2013
Diend's Avatar
Expert User

Whenever i feel afraid...there is a small voice that tells me to go berserk. when i read what you wrote, i suggest you start getting angry and violent. it is time to take the world by your own hands.
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Old 05-20-2013

get out. breathe. take a paper and a pen and write down what would make you happy.
you have nothing to lose. it is a miracle that you survived in this situation.
mozart87 is offline  
Old 05-20-2013

There is free mental health insurance in parts of California for low/no income. (sent you a PM). I hope you get back into therapy soon.
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Old 05-20-2013
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Neither black nor a puma.
Elite User

Hi, InMyShell.

First off, I want to let you know that I (and surely others) appreciate you taking this first step and admitting you want a change in your life.

While life can be very dark to the extend where it seems like a pointless battle to even try to improve, there's also the flipside where it seems so good that you just want to live forever in that moment. The mere difference between the two is state of mind. It's easier said then done, but try to remind yourself that you are also capable of being happy at the very least. No matter how bleak, you never become physically unable to feel happy.

I agree with others in this thread, and also recommend that you try and get back into therapy. Even just that would be a big step; you'd be out of the house, but still in a safe controlled location. And of course, if you so wish you can always ask for information/advice on this site also.

You've taken the first step by coming forth with your story, that barrier has already been broken. I really hope we can encourage and motivate you to take the next one.
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Old 05-20-2013

I used to be like that. I never stayed home for 7 years straight, only one year. The only advice I have for you is to take baby steps. Maybe take a walk to your mailbox during the day time for a while. Then walk half a block. Then walk a whole block. Just slowly increase your traveling distance. It worked for me. I still have so much more room for improvement. But I'm getting there. If I could do it, I know you can too!
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Old 05-21-2013
Inmyshell's Avatar
Newbie User

Thank you all for your feedback, suggestions and support and taking the time out of your day to read my long post. As someone suggested Iím going to try to see if thereís any free health insurance programs in my area as well as look into a self-help book (I think it might the best thing to start with right now). Iíve been making little attempts to work on my hygiene, (I got alot of knots out of my hair) and Iím still anxious my leg shakes at the thought of going out in the day time. Iím thinking about going outside before sunrise and around sunset and just take baby steps like a lot have suggested. Once again thank you for your advice and suggestions.
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Old 05-22-2013

^That's the spirit! You're one step closer to recovery and gaining control of your life!
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Old 05-22-2013
Kiwong's Avatar
Elite User

Before sunrise and at sunset are wonderful times of the day, the light is magic. Good luck with the baby steps.
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