I hate my life.

unknown666

New member
i don’t really know where to begin, I’m 16 years old and i haven’t been to school for over 3 1/2 years due to severe social anxiety. I’m so depressed and i want to die. i’ve tried attending therapy before and it just didn’t help at all.

I know for a fact that i would have committed suicide a long time ago had i not been so afraid of paralysation if i failed.

Everything and everyone in my life is depressing, i live with my mother who is unemployed. She’s bipolar. I hate being around her, i hate the way she breathes, i hate the way she talks, i hate her.

She used to take drugs when i was younger, i ended up staying at my grandmothers for a few years until she got her life back on track (funny story; a year or two later, she started taking drugs again), i had no friends when i was living there (sometimes my grandmothers’ neighbour, who was in his late 50s, took me to see movies on the odd occasion, probably because he felt sorry for me, and was just as lonely) , i think that has contributed to my social anxiety, amongst confidence and low self-esteem issues due to my weight (i’m still overweight to this day).

My mother makes me feel like crap, she tells me that she is there for me and i can talk to her when i’m down, but ever time i do, she storms out of my room and yells at me whenever she hears something she doesn’t like. Now all she does is sleep all day, plays candy crush, and watches TV. We live in an underprivileged area in a tenement, the kids that live around here cause a lot of trouble, and so do the adults. It’s infested with junkies and chavs/thugs who would literally stab you for being in ‘their area’.

I hate everything i had to go through because of her, no kid should have to deal with the problems i had to when i was younger. A lot of kids are jealous of the things that other kids possess that they don’t, I’m not, I’m jealous of other peoples parents.

I’m also convinced that i am a sociopath. i feel emotionless. i can fake certain emotions when i’m around people if i have to. I know for a fact that she is the reason I’m the way i am.

I want to lose weight and feel confident in myself, then maybe go to college, but i can’t even go outside.

Is there any hope for me, honestly? Should i just end my life now? I don’t want to wake up feeling like this everyday. i don’t have a purpose. I used to want to be a doctor or computer scientist, but i don’t think thats ever going to happen.

Can you overcome social anxiety?

P.S, i know it’s easier to put all of the blame on someone else, instead of accepting responsibility, but that isn’t the case with my mother.

@John - my teachers said i was fine, academically. I stopped going because i started having panic attacks, they got so bad that i ended up being diagnosed with Globus Hystericus.
@ JessT - I’ve learned a few programming languages in my free time over the past few years.
 

NathanielWingatePeaslee

Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Staff member
@ JessT - I’ve learned a few programming languages in my free time over the past few years.

This is a good start. Don't try to fix everything at once. Get your GED (or whatever the UK equivalent is) online. Try to use your knowledge of programming languages to start making money online. Make it your goal to get enough money to escape your current environment--including your mother. Then work on the other stuff one thing at a time.
 

dannyboy65

Well-known member
I understand why this is so hard for you. I'm 21 but when I was 16 I was a drug addict, smoked, and drank a lot. I skipped a lot of school, had a lot of fights, I stole things, and manipulated people. I was a first class jackass. I knew how to stay out of trouble and how to get out of it. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I didn't get along with my parents hell I even lifted my dad off the ground by his shirt. There were countless nights of fights with them almost to the point where I was close to being kicked out. I was suicidal because I couldn't stand living like how I was. Eventually I was put in the hospital for suicide attempts.

But eventually when I was 19 I decided to give that stuff up and just buried it all in the past. I started taking medication to help with my illness's (I have bi-polar, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, and autism). I also joined a support group to help me get where I want to go. I started to help people and they started to help me. I never knew how good it felt to help people so I started volunteering at a senior home and now I am in school to be a resident care worker. I'll tell you this though, I feel I am doing this to secretly try to show myself I am not a bad person and I try not to be anymore, but deep down I want to sometimes go back. Everyone has their demons you just need to learn how to face them and bury them.
 
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