Hello! My name is Alex, I am 23 years old, Greek and I am currently living in Germany where I am studying music composition. I decided to join this forum in order to seek help/advice on something that has been troubling me for several years now.
First of all I have social phobia like many of you here do too, something which I discovered only recently even though I have had it since secondary school or perhaps even earlier. Social phobia has gotten pretty bad since last year especially after starting with my studies here in Germany and I decided to seek help... so I am currently seeing a psychotherapist, but we are still at the beginning of the therapy. My main worry however is that I don't really know what I want to do with my life. I am so confused to the point that it has made me feel depressed. I am blessed with a talented artistic nature, but sadly I am not taking any real advantage of it. I am constantly taking up new "hobbies", learning new crafts, but everything I do is done on an epidermic level. I have observed that I can easily absorb new things and pick up new skills so I spent some time on learning something new and quickly move on to learn something else. This is also happening with my studies. I don't really invest myself into music composition or playing the piano. It has always been easy for me to learn new piano pieces, but I never spend the time that is needed to perfect them. The university where I am currently studying is considered as one of the best music universities in Germany and it is quite difficult to get accepted. I was accepted with minimal effort from my part and my composition teacher has more or less told me that I have the potential to become a good composer, but I do nothing about it. In fact, I dislike very much going there...
Part of it certainly has to do with my social phobia, but at least having social phobia doesn't prevent someone from being motivated, does it? My psychotherapist told me that I act and think like a 15 years old adolescent who likes to sit at home and dream and do small things and she believes that it is inconceivable for someone not to have some kind of formalised education. Well, I cannot really say that I am an ambitious person or desire to have a great career or complete a Ph.D or whatever. I don't have a problem leading an ordinary yet happy life. Frankly I don't think there is something more important other than being happy and currently I am not. In fact I am far from it and sadly this unpleasant psychological state is not something new. I have been that way roughly since secondary school.
Feeling unhappy for so many years at such a young age has exhausted me. I don't have the motivation to do anything regarding my studies because of the sheer anxiety I feel concerning them. Needless to say, this creates a chain reaction where I start to feel anxious about what I am going to do later on in my life, whether I will manage to finish my studies, what job I am going to find and how I could live my life indepedently and most of all being happy. It is my deepest desire to be happy and to contribute to this world. The only thing that keeps me from giving up my studies is that I truly wish that my art will make people happy and elevate their thoughts and sentiments. Sadly I have a goal, but I don't have the motivation...
As I imagine myself and how I would like to see my life at this point, I imagine having a job and having free time to develop my skills in music composition and the other arts that I am practising. As you can see, my studies are not included. I just hope there would be some way where I could develop my artistic skills without having to study at a universtiy and still be able to find a job even if I have only finished highschool and somehow promote my art...
Anyway, I will stop babbling now. I am very sorry for the length of my post. Thank you all in advance for your help and advice!
Love,
Alexandros
P.S. I didn't speak a lot regarding my social phobia, but trust me when I tell you how detrimental it has been to my life...
First of all I have social phobia like many of you here do too, something which I discovered only recently even though I have had it since secondary school or perhaps even earlier. Social phobia has gotten pretty bad since last year especially after starting with my studies here in Germany and I decided to seek help... so I am currently seeing a psychotherapist, but we are still at the beginning of the therapy. My main worry however is that I don't really know what I want to do with my life. I am so confused to the point that it has made me feel depressed. I am blessed with a talented artistic nature, but sadly I am not taking any real advantage of it. I am constantly taking up new "hobbies", learning new crafts, but everything I do is done on an epidermic level. I have observed that I can easily absorb new things and pick up new skills so I spent some time on learning something new and quickly move on to learn something else. This is also happening with my studies. I don't really invest myself into music composition or playing the piano. It has always been easy for me to learn new piano pieces, but I never spend the time that is needed to perfect them. The university where I am currently studying is considered as one of the best music universities in Germany and it is quite difficult to get accepted. I was accepted with minimal effort from my part and my composition teacher has more or less told me that I have the potential to become a good composer, but I do nothing about it. In fact, I dislike very much going there...
Part of it certainly has to do with my social phobia, but at least having social phobia doesn't prevent someone from being motivated, does it? My psychotherapist told me that I act and think like a 15 years old adolescent who likes to sit at home and dream and do small things and she believes that it is inconceivable for someone not to have some kind of formalised education. Well, I cannot really say that I am an ambitious person or desire to have a great career or complete a Ph.D or whatever. I don't have a problem leading an ordinary yet happy life. Frankly I don't think there is something more important other than being happy and currently I am not. In fact I am far from it and sadly this unpleasant psychological state is not something new. I have been that way roughly since secondary school.
Feeling unhappy for so many years at such a young age has exhausted me. I don't have the motivation to do anything regarding my studies because of the sheer anxiety I feel concerning them. Needless to say, this creates a chain reaction where I start to feel anxious about what I am going to do later on in my life, whether I will manage to finish my studies, what job I am going to find and how I could live my life indepedently and most of all being happy. It is my deepest desire to be happy and to contribute to this world. The only thing that keeps me from giving up my studies is that I truly wish that my art will make people happy and elevate their thoughts and sentiments. Sadly I have a goal, but I don't have the motivation...
As I imagine myself and how I would like to see my life at this point, I imagine having a job and having free time to develop my skills in music composition and the other arts that I am practising. As you can see, my studies are not included. I just hope there would be some way where I could develop my artistic skills without having to study at a universtiy and still be able to find a job even if I have only finished highschool and somehow promote my art...
Anyway, I will stop babbling now. I am very sorry for the length of my post. Thank you all in advance for your help and advice!
Love,
Alexandros
P.S. I didn't speak a lot regarding my social phobia, but trust me when I tell you how detrimental it has been to my life...
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