I can't think of things to say in conversation... Help!!

Hi Everybody, I'm new to this forum and I want to share my thoughts:
(I am 16 years old)

The main problem I have is the inability to immediatelt think things up to say in conversation to other people. The hardest thing (and almost impossible for me) is to start a conversation that will continue for more than 10 seconds and is not completely meaningless (like:"Its really hot today", etc).

I find it extremely hard to do this and often my mind goes blank when confronting people I am unfamiliar with.

THIS IS the Question I have come to ask:

Is my condition (explained above) linked to shyness (the inability to think thing to talk about) and social phobia or is it just part of my personality???

I am also quite shy as well but the main thing that I want to work on first is this skill of thinking of things to say quickly...

Will the cognitive-behavioural therapy treatment help me overcome this problem or is it just designed for confrontations that cause anxiousness...???

Please reply back if you have any suggestions and I'd prefer it you stick with methods that don't involve Clubs or Support Groups that I have to join...

THANKS a lot for reading this and I hope to hear from you soon,

Thanks,

Richard

Hi there,

I reckon this is a really common problem for shy/SP people – I have certainly experienced it in great and embarrassing detail!

It is possibly also your young age/inexperience and perhaps previous negative experiences in conversations?? For example if you feel awkward not knowing what to say on one occasion, then next time you talk to someone, you are probably focussed on how awkward you feel and the gaps in the conversation – which will hinder your ability to be in the moment and have a decent conversation! That will then make you even more fearful the next time you talk to someone……

This problem used to REALLY bother me, so I’ve done a heap of reading on conversation skills and attended a workshop on it. A couple of things that seemed to help me were: focus more on the other person (try to be INTERESTED, instead of INTERESTING – much less pressure!); ask open ended questions (ones that need more than a yes/no answer) – for example instead of asking “Do you like you job?” – “Yes” – silence……. Ask instead “Your job sounds interesting, what part do you like best?” – then they can go into more detail......

Another tip is to listen carefully to what the other person is telling you and then expand on something they have said, so that you can use their comment as fuel for the next step in the conversation.

Another thing I found comforting is that when you are having an awkward conversation with someone is to think “I’m not solely responsible for this conversation, if it’s not going well, we are both contributing to the that” That way you hopefully don’t internalise a “failed” conversation and think you suck at it! Half of this stuff is in the way we view ourselves and think about certain situations.....

I hope this makes sense, a bit of a long post!! :roll:

Thanks for the reply...

From what you said, I gathered that shyness, fear of rejection and social phobia are all factors that contribute to a lack of things to say when talking with someone.

So maybe if I confront myself with new situations regulary to tackle shyness and social phobia, this will also help my "thinking things to say" ability ...??? or won't it?

Do you think that it could be that shy and social phobic people are just generally less imaginative and cooperative that leads them to have a fear of rejection ( in other words - we know that we will be rejected for sure because of our lack of personality so what's the point of trying to pretend we are imaginative). ?????

OR is it just that some genetic or human characteristic present in shy people BLOCKS out their ability to think of things to say and be imaginative towards other peolple ????

THANKS for reading,

Please try and answer the questions...

Richard

hi there i am not a shy person, but i do have this problem - and in turn feel i feel i have SA. i don't know why i am this way (i'm 35 btw). but because i have problems with conversation i tend to avoid situations. it's very strange because it seems like for other people the conversation just flows and i am as blank as a spankin' new canvas. it's hindered developing new friendships, meeting new people and growing the friendships i do have. very frustrating, indeed! :?

hi there i am not a shy person, but i do have this problem - and in turn feel i have SA. i don't know why i am this way (i'm 35 btw). but because i have problems with conversation i tend to avoid situations. it's very strange because it seems like for other people the conversation just flows and i am as blank as a spankin' new canvas. it's hindered developing new friendships, meeting new people and growing the friendships i do have. very frustrating, indeed! :?

I think this is a problem for most people. My problem stems from wanting to be that guy that when I say something I want it to be funny, interesting and without hesitation, I basically want it to sound perfect! This can't happen I slowly realizing this, I stilll dwell on things that haven't come out quite right instead of going well i've said it lets move on. I get so self focus I loose touch of what is going on then get parinoid that people will think i'm boring etc.

symbiosis is right, the best thing you can do is try to focus on what is actually being said. I have notice that people actually talk about boring stuff alot. Don't be disappointed if a conversation lat only 10 secs.
Listening is a great skill to master, and you can keep a conversation going by understanding what someone has said and showing them you understand by rewording what they have just said.

It is diffcult, but you don't have to say something all the time, and when you do be positive about it.

And like every thing practice makes perfect.