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Old 07-28-2014
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Rawz Rawz is offline
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For me, it's equally as hard to talk to people and make friends or acquaintances online as it is in real life. I can imagine having conversations with people and doing well and enjoying it. But when it comes to actually doing it, I can't get myself to say much. I'm afraid to share my interests with other people because I'm so afraid of being laughed/judged. I know it's silly and I shouldn't be so scared of it, but I am.

All my life I've had some kind of fear that has prevented me from talking about certain things/in certain situations. When I was a little kid I used to have a very hard time asking my parents if I could do this or that. I was always worried they would say no or get mad, etc. They never did get mad and they almost always said yes if I asked (because I wasn't asking to do anything crazy/stupid/expensive/weird/etc).

When I got older this same fear/feeling and strange...like physical inability to talk attached itself to talking to other teenagers about...anything. I have improved a lot and this thing has lessened, but I still struggle with it some.

I think one of the biggest problems I've had is connecting with people and getting people to know me and like me. I worry so much about boring people or saying something awkward or stupid that I don't make enough small talk. And I can't seem to keep anyone interested and engaged for long.

I have had online friends/acquaintances before, and most of the time I had to be the one to message them first. And as I already said I could never think of enough things to talk about and keep them engaged and have them learn about me and become my friend, etc.

Sometimes I have periods where I do unusually well with people, but I never have someone that wants to come back and talk to me. It seems like everyone else does so well talking with people, and at least keep acquaintances, that they don't care to put any work in for me. I don't interest them enough. I'm not that boring, I just seem to be paralyzed with fear.

And the thing is, it's seems a lot of people to very well online even if they struggle greatly in real life. But me...I do just as horrible online as I do in real life. On another forum I visited there used to be group chat sessions (just text) every week on a certain day. I noticed that, when there were multiple people there, people would talk to me a little bit--comment on things I say, answer questions, etc. But most of the time, if I was the only person in chat (like if it was early and most of the other people weren't online yet), no one would come into chat and stay in chat and talk to me. It seems I just can't be engaging/interesting enough.

I just sometimes feel like I am doing something wrong. I just want to stop fear from controlling me and get some friends. Hang out with people. Have fun. I just really want friends. I've been feeling so lonely.
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Old 07-28-2014
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Yea mate, I can totally understand how you feel. I don't feel interesting enough for people to talk to, or I don't seem to be able to keep people 'interested'..

I think though, I've decided to not stress about it as much. I've gotten to the point where I can't be stuffed worrying myself to death about it.

I want friends too, but I'm not going to beg for them. I just hope I come across some genuine people who want the same in friends as I do;
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Old 07-28-2014
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Yeah, I can definitely relate to this, especially with the online friends thing. One thing I've noticed is that, with my few real-life friends, it's okay to be silent at times if there is nothing to talk about. Usually when I am hanging out with people, we're doing some sort of activity that doesn't require constant conversation (i.e., watching a movie, eating, playing a sport). Or sometimes when my friends hang out, we'll just bring our computers and all sit around and do our own thing on the computer in silence. This is nice because there is no precedent for conversation. When IMing online friends, however, the only thing to do is have a conversation, and I get self-conscious about how long I am taking to respond to things.
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Old 07-28-2014
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It's just my opinion but making friends / acquaintances with only conversation as a tool, sounds very very difficult to me, online or offline. It's even difficult here on SPW. I've been here since like 4 years and there is only 1 or 2 people I could say I've became friends with. It seems to me that you need a context, which you don't really have online, and it makes it hard, I find, to establish a relationship. There is only 2 ways that seems to work for me to create friendship: Party and Sports. The latter is much more healthier though...
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Old 07-28-2014
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I have a similar problem that no matter how hard I try and put in so much effort to socialize with others, most of them never seem like they would want to talk to me ever again. I remember a couple of weeks ago my sister said I don't even try to talk to anyone(including my family.) It's hurtful to hear that I can't rise above of what I am because I'll always be disappointing people about something. I know what you mean though about not talking enough to people or boring them. Even when I do try and make small talk and not having full drawn out conversations, people just love to put me down for the minor flaws I have such as my quietness and still ask "Wow you are so quiet. You're not saying anything". I'm like hello, having a small talk doesn't necessarily make me quiet. I don't know what else people want me to say/talk about because I literally having nothing going on in my life(unless if I'm just meeting new people for the first time, I'd have a lot to talk about though) since I'm in my room almost every day. The only things I can talk about are my art, drawing, movies, and books. Unless these people are just begging for me to be miserable or nervous, it's almost as if I'm trying to satisfy someone who are never going to be pleased at anything I do.

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Old 08-01-2014
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I also have the same problem, but I think it's because I don't show enough interest in people either. When I try talking to people specifically to make friends, it fails horribly. Mainly it's due to the fact that I really can't pretend to care much what a random stranger does for a living, where they went to school, or how many siblings/children they have, if they enjoy reading, etc. This is especially hard in person because I fail to control my "uninterested" expression. I know this sounds cold and possibly misanthropic but it's reality for me.

The way that I have made friends (albeit few) is this: They're either in the same class with me or work in the same office and I get to know how they think and what they think about things that do interest me, like politics, morality, etc. I'm not being judgmental here but to me it's important that my friends are capable and interested in discussing things that I'm passionate about (vis-a-vis makeup, fashion magazine, celebrities). Once I establish that we have the same interests, then it's easier for me to have a genuine "small talk" with them. I become interested in knowing more about that person who is intellectually stimulating to me. I basically never run out of things to say because we're always having interesting discussions.

I hope this makes sense ad helps.
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Old 08-02-2014
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I am the exact same way. Online is a little easier for me but still not really.
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Old 12-05-2014
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I am the same way. I'm a little better online but I'm still so shy and don't make enough contact. Also I'm a mom to a baby now so there's not as much time to "socialize" online of in real life. In person though, I'm worse. I just freeze up and get nervous and I don't know what to say. People lose interest in me, I bore them, and I've lost a lot of friends, also due to overprotective parents. It's paralyzing.
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Old 12-06-2014
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I know exactly how you feel! It's as if I wrote this post I am having the same problem. I have gotten better over the years but only a little bit. I often find it difficult to approach someone and create conversation and if somehow I am able to I can't keep the conversation going. I often can't think of topics and am always worried that I'm going to say something stupid or come off as boring or annoying.. Or something. I don't have any close friends and have had trouble making friends ever since I was a kid. If I do become friends with someone it takes a long time to do so and a long long time before I can open up and actually be myself.
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Old 12-06-2014
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I have two little girls as well and have been to moms groups and have had plenty of opportunities to make friends but I freeze up. My social phobia has gotten so bad that I can't even make simple phone calls sometimes. I look back with regret at all of the opportunities I've had to socialize. People make small talk with me and I say the odd thing but then freeze up and often just wait for someone to talk to me and have trouble initiating conversation even though I want so badly to make friends. Eventually people think I'm just not interested and give up on talking to me.
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Old 12-09-2014
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Yeah, it's a pretty big mess of confusion. I met an online friend offline because we lived about a 30 minutes drive apart, and since then conversation has been very one-sided whereas they used to initiate all the time. I guess it's dying.
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Old 12-10-2014
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This is not meant to be rude but....

How do you know you can't?

How much real energy goes into trying to make friends in an invested way...

It's hard but the only way is to fall, get up and try again, fall and get up again...

There is no magic spell that comes to you...

You're telling yourself that it's not possible, but that is pure unwarranted speculation..
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Old 12-13-2014
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfly89 View Post
I have two little girls as well and have been to moms groups and have had plenty of opportunities to make friends but I freeze up. My social phobia has gotten so bad that I can't even make simple phone calls sometimes. I look back with regret at all of the opportunities I've had to socialize. People make small talk with me and I say the odd thing but then freeze up and often just wait for someone to talk to me and have trouble initiating conversation even though I want so badly to make friends. Eventually people think I'm just not interested and give up on talking to me.
Hi Butterfly89, I can relate. I freeze up with making phone calls even if it's something simple, like about a bill or something. I regret about all the times in the past I've had opportunities to make new friends but I blew it. I'm a new mom to a 5 month old, I'm a SAHM, and I'm interested in going to this new mom group in my area soon. Though I'm nervous, and as usual I'll probably freeze up when I'm around the other moms. But I do want to make new friends, esp. with other moms! I just don't know how to make and keep friends anymore.
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