How to make friends / become closer to people?!

how? i am all alone at uni and want to talk to people but am too scared.....

I posted this before...but I think it might help a little. Books are a good way to learn how to connect with people. Here are two that I recommend:

How to Start Conversations and Make Friends
by Don Gabor

Messages: The Communication Skills Book
by Matthew & Davis, Martha & Mckay

yeah, it's hard at college. i went to college thinking that i didn't want to get to know anybody. in the end i did end up lonely and making friends after everyone else already had assigned themselves to a group was hard. but you just got to put yourself out there. find someone you have something in common with and stick with it. eat a meal with them or something, do homework. you'll find someone, and chances are they have friends that you can meet. just go from there.

How about joining uni activities, clubs etc., that might help.

Good luck

annie

There is an australian author by the name of Andrew Matthews. He has written 2 books one is called Making Friends and the other one is called Being Happy. They are both good books.

The only way you will make friends is by joining a group or finding some interests. other than that you will have to face your fears and try to talk to the other students. There have been some good suggestions already.

Ask yourself why you are scared of trying to make friends, if it is the fear of rejection or thinking that you arent good enough you need to ignore these feelings as that is your irrational thinking kicking in. You wont know until you try and it beats being lonely with no one to talk too. I wish I knew that years ago.

it is hard isnt it? sometimes i try to be nice and show an interest and then i worry that im just coming across as a weird desperate guy. the whole how to talk to anyone thing seems to be a bit american.

Hi im new here, and i just wanna say that yea i find it hard to make friends too, especially in uni where its sucha big community you tend to become lost. its not like in high school where you can more easily befriend people in your class and just go along with a few people cause it is a more closely nit situation. i find it better to talk one on one than in a group, so i guess that's why i don't have a group of friends but rather friends here and there, and i guess that's why i feel so lost and lonely...i somehow yearn yet shy away from the group dynamic
does anyone else feels like this?

i feel ssoooooooo lonely sometimes and even become a bit paranoid sometimes that people are looking at me cause im walking around uni along most of the time...

hey rachel, yeh i know exactly how you feel..i went to uni for three years, i would have friends here and there but not 1 large group, so in alot of classes i would be by myself and would get quite paranoid about that fact and would find it hard to just go up and sit next to and chat to ppl tha i didn't know very well. uni is very tough like u said as u have differen ppl in differnt subjects.... i had 1 very close friend that i felt very comfortable with and could be open with and just a few other freinds here and there my close friend wasn't in that many classes that i did, so it made it very difficult the wait between lectures as a lot of the time i was alone and was very bored and felt ppl were watching. uni wasn't a very nice experiance for me probably hightened by the fact my degree turned out to be a waste of time!! the worst part of uni was for 1 subect i had to go away on a camp and mix with ppl for 2 weeks which you can imagine is a nightmare for a sp sufferer, it envolved public speaking the lot. i was anxious a lot of time and was torture 4 me, but i survived.... just. uni was wierd for me even, year later it still feels like a weird dream! wish i couldhave enjoyed myself a bit better but then i like to think my soicial phobia has improved since then, atleast i hope so anyway but i'm not sure really....anyway i'm interested to know what uni u went to. mine was griffith in brisbane cheers. :lol:

rachel said:

i feel ssoooooooo lonely sometimes and even become a bit paranoid sometimes that people are looking at me cause im walking around uni along most of the time...

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I have that feeling too! Some tutes were fine, if there was a friend to stick with. But if I had to sit alone (50% of the time) it was so bad for the self esteem, because you become convinced that everyone is looking at you because you're alone and thinking what a loser you are.

Oh wait - they were. 8O

lol lol lol

But like next time you are on campus look around at each student who is by themselves. Some students it just seems okay and normal, (ie they just like to come to the library and research alone and at their own pace) but some students that I see by themselves it seems geeky and they seem to be misfits. It's hard to say what separates them. I think it's how they interact with you and their body language.

My goal is fool everyone and come across as one of those "I'm Alone But By Choice" confident relaxed type of people.

I think Internet is an easy way to get to know other people, at least it's easier than trying to find friends in places like a bar or at the gym... I met most of my present friends in the internet, through this web. One day a meeting was arranged in my city and fortunately I had the courage to go.

unleashed said:

the whole how to talk to anyone thing seems to be a bit american.

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What's that supposed to mean?

skins said:

hey rachel, yeh i know exactly how you feel..i went to uni for three years, i would have friends here and there but not 1 large group, so in alot of classes i would be by myself and would get quite paranoid about that fact and would find it hard to just go up and sit next to and chat to ppl tha i didn't know very well. uni is very tough like u said as u have differen ppl in differnt subjects.... i had 1 very close friend that i felt very comfortable with and could be open with and just a few other freinds here and there my close friend wasn't in that many classes that i did, so it made it very difficult the wait between lectures as a lot of the time i was alone and was very bored and felt ppl were watching. uni wasn't a very nice experiance for me probably hightened by the fact my degree turned out to be a waste of time!! the worst part of uni was for 1 subect i had to go away on a camp and mix with ppl for 2 weeks which you can imagine is a nightmare for a sp sufferer, it envolved public speaking the lot. i was anxious a lot of time and was torture 4 me, but i survived.... just. uni was wierd for me even, year later it still feels like a weird dream! wish i couldhave enjoyed myself a bit better but then i like to think my soicial phobia has improved since then, atleast i hope so anyway but i'm not sure really....anyway i'm interested to know what uni u went to. mine was griffith in brisbane cheers. :lol:

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hi Skins, its good that you have a very close friend whom u feel comfortable with. i don't have anyone like that because withth efriends i know at uni, none of them know about my fears and that i have SA, so i still feel this wall between us. and i still get a bit anxious with them same as i would with a stranger. im wondering if your v close friend knows about your SA?
u'r very brave that u have the guts to goto that camp that involved public speaking..i went to only one camp in uni and it was torture too, especially the bit with introduction games and stuff..though thankfully no public speaking!
well im already in my second yr and feel shit cause i didn't get involved in anything, at times i really wish i am. like u said i wish i enjoyed myself more and i guess i still have the chance, but i procrastinate and say to myself well i'll try harder next semester.
the uni im in is UNSW in Sydney..its a shame cause it really has a lot of activities = opportunities to get involved..oh well
what did u study that u thought was a waste? arts? lol

What's that supposed to mean?

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umm, what i mean is that, you know that book "how to talk to anyone"? well its a bit american. the author is american and, maybe those techniques could work well at fake parties where people network, but, where i come from people would see immediately that you were a big fake. whats the point in faking it? theres nothing wrong with being a bit shy. imagine if i was at a party and i saw this cute chick, and she was busy "networking" id think ah shes cute but not my type. i like shy people. so, she would lose out on my amazing love because she was faking it. then she'd be home alone later wondering why she was always going home alone. if she'd just been herself she could be having a glass of wine and a massage at my place. i didnt mean to offend americans, but, the book is american. its suggests writing notes at parties about people. it suggests making a note of someones favourite drink and then sending them a card mentioning the favoured drink a week later. where i live thats known as stalking. some of it is helpful. looking at people when you talk to them for example. helpful.

hi Skins, its good that you have a very close friend whom u feel comfortable with. i don't have anyone like that because withth efriends i know at uni, none of them know about my fears and that i have SA, so i still feel this wall between us. and i still get a bit anxious with them same as i would with a stranger. im wondering if your v close friend knows about your SA?

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nah i guess the more i know a person the more confident i am around them, really tho i don't show too many signs that i have sp that any1 would suspect anything other then that i'm a bit shy and quiet. most of the time amongst a group of friends i'm fine, for me tho it comes and goes and depends on the situation, environment and persons envolved. i find some ppl a bit more intimidating then others so for those ppl (usually the extroverted outgoing person) i would probably withdraw a bit from and avoid as i wouldn't be able to interact with as well. so for you i would just try and befriend those most similar to you (you will always find the quieter type person in the spectra of personality types) at uni and seek them out. for me if i think someone is similar to me and not 'better then me in a sense' i get along well with.

the fact that you say u have friends at uni means its not all bad, and youl find that ppl are friends with you for the way you are anyway.

u'r very brave that u have the guts to goto that camp that involved public speaking..i went to only one camp in uni and it was torture too, especially the bit with introduction games and stuff..though thankfully no public speaking!

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lol not so much brave, more vodka inspired courage lol, the whole camp was in a relaxed environment and the lecturerers actually encouraged us all to have a few drinks b4 getting up and doing the whole public speaking thing, so it was all good in the end. its the several nights b4 worrying about it that really kills you!...but the whole camp was like that actualy turned out to be not that bad after all and that all the anxiety was for nothing......

and yea there is always plenty of opportunities to get envolved in activities and meet new ppl at uni, i found the longer it went on the more friends you make as u tend to do a wider range of subjects in the final years..........oh and i did environmental science so stay clear of that 1!! totally useless in terms of getting a job in that fields unless u are extremely talented or commited or both, fingers crossed it will be of use one day. :wink:

im sorry Skins it took so long for me to reply, i admit i was a bit overwelmed by the extent of u'r response. don't take it wrongly i appreciate it alot!

my closest friends i knew them since early high school, a time when my SA wasn't so pronounced, so i got to develop good friendships without much obstacle and thank god i did back then so i could keep them until now. i think that mostly they would describe me as crazy though cause i would act all random and 'crazy' and joke a lot around them. but that's a different story around not so close friends.
i have the habit of totally ignoring people i feel are intimidating (outgoing), so i rule them out before i give them a chance.
it seems that everywhere there are extroverts. at McDonalds and TArget where i worked, most of them are silly and outgoing types who talk loudly to eachother. and at uni, people are all talking to eachother, now i think even the introverted ones prob won't wanna talk to me.

bugger me!
i will try to look to the postitive

I'm into my 3rd week in a uni. I came in with a bunch of friends and most of the time, we go for the same lectures. I feel fine in school, even though during tutes, i seldom have anyone to talk to. I think, i have 2 classes where i know some people, but other than that, im pretty much silent during my other classes with 0 interaction with the rest of the class. but i guess, uni life is like that? Its hard to find that BOND.

but in my residential college, its different. i feel like crap 80% of the time. Joining in mid stream IS sucky, since everybdy already have thier cliques, i just feel so out of place, and its supposed to be fun but im feeling so depressed. I havent made any close friends here, and people don't know me well either. i just find it so hard to interact with them, and i just don't know why they seem to get along soooo well and they always have soo much fun hanging out in each others rooms, where no one really comes to mine. and i never had the chance/guts to invite anyone over either. whats more, they probably think im bland and quiet and snobbish. im still trying hard to fit in. almost 1 month here now, and no close friends. im starting to be pessimistic. maybe i should just move out and wallow in self pity somewhere else. its too depressing here.

oh, suggestions please, i feel like just telling somehow how i feel so leftout with on one, maybe they could pity me and let me join in thier fun. maybe, by then, id be able to speak up and mix around better or something. oh well...just wonder what ur opinion is.

uni was torture for me.
Full of awkward moments and alot of time by myself.
I made few friends. When we graduated i purposely lost touch with them.
Stoopid sp fool !

When i went to another course i made an effort from day one and met some really cool friends.

Point is, It truely helps if you make an effort from the beginning.
This applies to everytime you meet someone new.
Dont leave it till later as by then its too awkward.

Now if i could only take my own advice, haha.

mike_sp, oh well, i wish i could turn back time then!!! i guess its true, that from the beginning its impt to try to mix around with people....its just getting worst and worst.

i feel so pathetic for having made so very few friends. *sigh*

same boat with me...never made a single true friend at uni. I just cannot seem to relate to anyone. sure, there was acquantices that i did projects and assignments with, but these links where quickly lost once the work was over.
now iam more lonely than ever. the fact that my embarrassement for not having friends is preventing me making new friends is even worse. its like a cycle. i even make imaginary friends so i can pretend i go out on weekends when inevitable "what did you do on the weekend?" comes up on Mondays at work.

Yea like everyone else here seems to i too have issues of being alone at uni. I meet people ocassionally, but as soon as that class is finished, we dont really meet up or extend anything. KNow wat i mean? I think my issue seems to be mainly from conversion i just cant seem to really get into conversation with people and because of that i shy away from any real extracurricular encounters which i know helps to solidify friendships. I spend most of my non-class uni time in the library and i leave as soon as possible. I really have only 1 good friend so it is a lonely life. It just feels good to know that other people out there have the same problem.