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Old 03-08-2018
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Today, the cranky old bugger's DONE IT AGAIN. He's instigated/provoked me into a RAGE. He regularly does this to me. And it causes us to "butt heads" in a MAJOR way (neither of us backs down). He blames me for the conflict, and i blame him. He reacts to a TINY thing i do, & is ATTROCIOUSLY rude & disrespectful, WAY out of proportion to what i did. Basically he is (& has always been) a BALLSY, RUDE F*CKING MOTHERF*CKER!!!

So today i was at my parents house, using their computer (which is in the room that my nephew sleeps in - his bedroom). And i was using it later than usual, so nephew arrived home (lives with my parents) and dad came into the room, and "roughly" told me to get off the computer right now, totally tackless, as is his typical style, esp when things don't go exactly his way. And he basically told me off, saying it's his room & i shouldn't be on the computer this late. So i went off the computer (was only listening to music) straight away, and then i went and told him that i was off the computer & out of his room, and then dad said ~'better still, don't use it at all', which REALLY got me going. So i said, ~'yeah, better still i shouldn't use the computer at all, eh? ... eh? ... eh?'. Then i went into kitchen & told mum how rude dad was when he said that to me. Then nephew walked in, & i told him LOUDLY (so dad could hear), ~'your room's all clear, i'm out of your room!'. Then as i left the house i called out loudly 'SEE YA POPPA!!!'.

But that wasn't all, as i was at that point ENRAGED. When i reached my caravan (on their property, where i'm living until i can find a flat), i took 3 rusty old cans of food & hurled them at dad's ute (hitting the metal crate on the back). Then i got a heavy brown heater brick & SMASHED it on the pavement. Then, a few minutes later, i fetched one of the cans (now split open slightly) & threw it as hard as i could at this shipping container, which made a satisfyingly LOUD hollow noise.

SO, the old bugger DOES IT AGAIN!!! . It's becoming a REGULAR thing in recent months. HE's ALWAYS the provoker of the situation.

Right now, ~3/4hr later, i'm out the rage, but still pissed off & wanting revenge. So I'm thinking i might GET BACK AT him, by going up there while their friends visit (whenever they are about to visit, i'm (somewhat rudely) told to "make myself scarce", as i'm an EMBARASSMENT to my parents, & anti-social, & not fit for "human consumption" by their friends/visitors. Just to piss him off (& he won't be able to be RUDE to me in front of them, as he'll "lose face/respect"! LOL). I'll take my dinner plate back, pretending that's why i returned to the house. And then (usually i'm too shy to even say hello to their friends) i'll BOLDLY say hello to them, and make myself "comfortable", & stay a while :evil:

BOY, i sometimes get SO SO ANGRY at him, i want to go AAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!! right in his f*ckin face. Or worse. Or hit the grog big-time & have a violent-music/booze session. He's the RUDEST a$shole of a father that ever existed imho. Sometimes (fairly regularly) i wish he was DEAD!!! (seriously).

Right, now i've got some pissing-off to do. Maybe i'll IGNORE their friends when they say hello (but that might anger dad, & he might throw me out on the streets! or sth similarly extreme; when he gets annoyed/angry he basically tries to "KILL" whatever is bothering him (like killing flies with a flysway - he CAN'T BEAR for flies to land on him, so he holds the fly swat ALL THE TIME when watching tv, & he's LOOKING for them, & he menacingly hits the side of his chair repeatedly with it). No, i think subtle but nasty is the way to go, to get back at him.

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Ok, so i went up, slammed their front door HARD, put my plate in the sink LOUDLY. Visitors not yet arrived. Mum, dad, neice, nephew all having a nice, cozy little chat at the dining table. I hear them talking about alcohol, & dad saying how many bottles did you drink, so PERFECT, i entered & blurted out 'does poppa ALLOW you to drink then? hehehehe hehehehe' & did my silly rediculous laugh. & i could TELL dad was angry. It's SO SIMPLE to get him angry! LOL. He's such an angry f*ckin c*nt of a man. Then mum asked me 'have you been drinking?' (as alcohol is SO convenient thing to BLAME, as it means THEY'RE free from fault - it's ME & the BOOZE at fault). I've run out of alcohol, so wasn't drunk, so said 'no, i'm drunk on RAGE!!! hehehehe' -> 'revenge is SWEET!!! hehehehe!!!'. Then i left, laughing my funny laugh & LOUDLY shouting out 'YEEEEAAAAHHH!!!!' a few times, & shouting several obscenities on the way back to my caravan. And upon arrival, i threw a can at shipping container, smashed a bucket, broke a brick & threw it on top of container.

You see, THIS is WHAT IT TAKES to "get through" to the stubborn old man - the STUPID OLD PR*CK. He learns NO OTHER WAY. He's such a DUMB F*CKING DOUCHEBAG. No wonder he got most of his teeth knocked out when he was a young man. I THANK the guy/s who did that to him, battered the SHIT out of him - only thing is, he was STILL FULL OF SH*T after that. No wonder he got yanked by the testicles on occasion when he was playing rugby (he said he made sure the guy never did it again; ie he probably punched him; dominate by violence/fear - that's his way).

The old man had to seriously control himself, as he was with neice & nephew, but i HOPE they realise that "lovely poppa" can be a RIGHT F*CKING W*NKER to his son, & hopefully he's lose some respect from them (cross my fingers). And hopefully i HAUNT him in his NIGHTMARES tonight & many times in the future. HE can try to ignore the truth, but his SUBCONSCIOUS sure as hell WON'T!!!! hehehe. I have confidence that his subconscious is now "whipping his a$s", now that i am no longer supressing the rage that he triggers in me (like i always used to; i was a shy/timid doormat with him, until recent times - i kinda decided i'd had enough of being his helpless victim that he could dominate/ridicule/etc as he pleased). He's the ABSOLUTE WORST THING that's happened to me in this life, i'm 100% SURE of that now.

I LOOK FOWARD to the AGONY he'll HAVE to face in his last few years. I hope he gets some severe condition, which puts him in harsh/unbearable physical pain 24/7 for years on end. That would be the ideal. That would be justice for all the WRONGDOING & HARM he's done to me (& some others) over my lifetime. I HOPE HE GOES TO HELL when he dies; and then HE will be DOMINATED endlessly/eternally by nasty/vile/scary/terrifying satanic creatures. I HOPE HIS SOUL ROTS IN HELL, WHERE IT BELONGS, as DEEP DOWN he is a SADISTICALLY EVIL DEMONIC BEING!!!. He's got SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH to PAY for his SINS!!! And it's ABOUT TIME that he STARTED paying.

At least i controlled myself, and didn't PUNCH the b*stard in the face. I kinda felt like doing that. He DESERVES it, as he's always been a DOMINATING D*CKHEAD. He's punched others, but never allowed ANYBODY (to my knowledge) punch him back, as his domination is COMPLETE 100% - the TIGHT-FISTED W*NKER.

I could do with a drink right about now. Oh well, i'll just play some hard-out death metal or sth.

But come to think of it, i HAVE already been getting back at him over the last decade or so, by playing hard-rock & metal at VERY high volumes (with SIG bass). As i was living in a cottage next door to them (on their property; they were renting it to me, until recently when they kicked me out). So that would have been some kind of torture for him, for YEARS ON END, trying to get to sleep with the constant thump-thump-thump of music going on.
Also, i completely ignored his 80th birthday. Got him a present, but ate it myself!. Didn't even see him on that day. And i didn't wish him happy birthday. Glad about that. I expect i'll do the same for his 90th, if he makes it that far (i hope he doesn't, but then i hope he does reach a really old age, so that he can suffer more ... such as being unable to do the things he used to enjoy his whole life). On his last days, i don't think i'll even visit him in hospital/wherever, just to get back at him & cause him even more pain, knowing that i haven't forgiven him & that i HATE him.

MAN, if only i hadn't blown-up my stereo. It would be COOL to blast this death metal at full-tit, annoying everyone, & "SCREAMING" it out to the universe!!!

I BET he has NO IDEA about all the HELL he's gonna have to pay in the afterlife, for his actions in this life. More fool him. I PITY the IDIOT NAIVE SIMPLETON TOOL.

And i'm NOT going to apologise for today, JUST as HE NEVER EVER apologises for ANYTHING, EVER. That is, he NEVER takes responsibility or the blame for any wrongdoing. Which is why when he hits the afterlife, he's in for a ALMIGHTY SHOCK - that he's got a MASSIVE ALMIGHTY SH*TLOAD of payback coming to him; and that he is NOT the INNOCENT, RIGHTEOUS person he has always believed himself to be.

Secretly, MAYBE i have a deep desire to sadistically torture him??? (ie hold him captive; incl humiliation, solitary confinement, sensory deprivation, unable to do any pleasurable activities to divert his attention from his problems; ie make him go "crazy"). But he'll "go crazy" when he gets terminally ill, as he'll be bed-ridden, and typically being bed-ridden even just for a few days "does the trick", and he gets bored out of his tiny brain. Dad (& mum) have created a "monster" in me!!! LOL. And i have a feeling that i "freak him out" on the inside, never on the outside (he never shows any fear whatsoever); why i have this feeling, is that one of the recent violent arguments we had, where he clenched his hand into a fist & said he'd knock me to the floor if i touch him again, he also said to mum to call the police (but she didn't); which means he was most certainly "unsettled", if not scared! YAY!!!

So, today has been both a GOOD day & a BAD day. Good, in that it was my neice's 21st birthday, and i gave her a present (an ex-library book i found while going thru my house stuff, on honeymoon destinations (as she's into travel in a big way) & a glittery card with a crisp $100 bill taped inside), and i got a hug from her. But it was also bad for obvious reasons. My rage attack took me by surprise. Usually my "rage attacks" only happen whilst under the influence of alcohol, but not this time (& the last few times).

Might be a good few days before we're on talking terms again though, lol. With me & him, only time works, not apologies. And this rage/animosity is only temporary for me - it only lasts a few hours usually. It'll pass. In a few days, it'll all be forgotten (or pushed below my awareness).

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I responded to this post hours ago but it didnt go through.

Your dad sounds disrespectful and rude to you for no reason. For whatever reason he does this is something to do with him more than it has to do with you. Hard to understand why he is like that towards you? Perhaps he has had expectations, who knows.

Nothing wrong with feeling mad and hurt from that. Just try not to let it rip you up. Holding onto anger from disrespect - believe me - makes you ill over time. Its alot of energy.

Maybe he is disrespectful to you like that, but hes still your dad you know. You can choose to not let his rude behaviour affect how you feel about yourself. Its really horrible when a parent is a disrespect you like that. It makes you question your value. He should realise that.

Anytime I have had huge outbursts like that, Id cried and ran to the paddocks lol. My parents when I was in my late teens and early 20s used to try to push me into being social and getting out and doing things like that and I couldnt hack it. I felt like I was being unfairly pushed over a cliff. Then, later they realised they couldnt do anything and then later after that they just accepted me like I was- but there was some disrespect there. I felt like I was less than in the family, like the black sheep because I had severe social phobia and agoraphobia and hadnt really done much other than stay at home etc. My parents never really talked about me to my friends or anything like that. My case was a little extreme, but that feeling of feeling rejected and not good enough in the family was there for ages. Esp having an older sister that would achieve alot.

Id say, sleep on it. Be mad and feel it like you had, but dont hold onto it.
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i know how it feels to be enraged and you wonder about certain people if they're a psychopath or something but it hasn't been the case for me just relating to how you feel rage that's all. but here's what the Lord says,

It is mine to avenge; I will
repay.
In due time their foot will
slip;
their day of disaster is near
and their doom rushes upon
them.
Deuteronomy 32:34-35

.....


Do not repay anyone evil
for evil. be careful to do what is right
in the eyes of everybody. If it is
possible, as far as it depends on
you, live at peace with everyone.
Do not take revenge my
friends, but leave room for God's
wrath, for it is written: "It is mine
to avenge. I will repay," says
the Lord. On the contrary:

"If your enemy is hungry
feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him
something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals on his
head."

Do not be overcome by evil,
but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:17-21

And....

If your enemy is hungry, give
him food to eat;
if he is thirsty, give him
water to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals on his
head,
and the Lord will reward
you.
Proverbs 25:21-22

Therefore i know it's hard but God would really appreciate it if you would trust him and try to be in peace with his wisdom. i love the God of peace and you're right, what if he throws you out of the caravan?

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Double-post ... could you delete the 2nd duplicate jinxed, thanks.
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ok i deleted it ok so what's your take on it?
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ok i deleted it ok so what's your take on it?
If you mean in terms of God, then i would GREATLY appreciate if God would KICK HIS A$S HARD for me. Just JUSTICE through a THOROUGH A$S-KICKING is all i ask.

But it's complicated, as since i LOVE him i don't want to hurt him or have him suffer (as that side of me will be sad), but since i also HATE him for how he's treated me over the years i DO want to hurt him & have him suffer greatly (as that side of me will be gratified).

I also want the stubborn rock-headed b*stard to CHANGE and LEARN, if he's capable of such at all.

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The Lord also says do not curse, bless and do not curse so you can bless him by saying he'll really learn his lesson or 'your will be done' is better in your prayer b/c God also teaches us blessed are the merciful (for they will be given mercy) which i think you r, so if that is better for you then it will be done and God's will is always the best but the only thing is that i think God's promises are only to the believer and that the only prayer God listens to a non-believer is that they'll be saved. Not sure but as long as you're showing faith in God's word and Christ and getting baptized and following him then he will act on your behalf for sure. Sorry if you don't like me talking about this.

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Sorry if you don't like me talking about this
No worries, mate.
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'if you ask anything in accordance to his will, he hears you and if you know that he hears you, you know that you have what you've asked for', that's also a verse in Scripture, i hope it comforts you to know that you can come to God in prayer for him to learn and change, it's possible
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i definitely don't want him to suffer so harshly either, i guess that's probably for a really bad enemy..
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i definitely don't want him to suffer so harshly either, i guess that's probably for a really bad enemy..
From time to time, he is JUST LIKE a really bad enemy.
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Nae offence intended by me asking this but, why don't ye just cut contact with him completely? If yer Dad's being such an arse and constantly getting at ye - just tell 'em to f*ck off! Well, not in those exact words... but ye get ma point.

Just saying like, if he's that much of [email protected]$%@RD to deal with...


Or, is it like me n' my older sister... In that we don't get along, but tolerate one another to keep our mother happy ?

Sorry, don't mean to pry into yer situation, it's just... I can relate.
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Well, unfortunately i can't cut (or minimize) contact with him very easily at the moment. As i am still living on his property; i was living in a cottage that my parents have on their land for over 15 years, and now i am temporarily living in a caravan they bought for me to live in at a caravan park. But since they are all full, i am now looking for a house to rent. Until i find a house (& a flatmate), i am forced to stay living on their property, in their caravan. And whenever i do sth which annoys dad (many things do), he'll get angry/etc & attack me verbally, thereby angering me (& my anger/rage i suspect at the same level as his, or even worse; i think it's a control/powerlessness thing ("Powerlessness leads to anger, anger leads to aggression")). I just have to make a serious effort to NEVER annoy him in ANY way (as then he resorts to "dirty" tactics, such as verbal insults, to satisfy his anger). The less i have to do with him & his possessions, the better, as he is VERY possessive/protective/controlling of the things he owns; he CAN'T STAND anybody else taking control of his stuff. And as long as i live on HIS land, in HIS caravan, and enter HIS house, i am at the mercy of HIS rules (& :. his control & his anger).
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Is there any part of your father that is supportive and understanding though? At certain times?
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Is there any part of your father that is supportive and understanding though? At certain times?
Yes, in his shallow/practically-focussed way, so that side of him is not his strong suit, as he doesn't do that kind of stuff well (& esp people's feelings, which i don't think he cares about tbh), although i guess he "tries his hand" at it from time to time, with mediocre results at best, disastrous results at worst. And he hasn't a compassionate bone in his body; he's a HARD HARD man. You see, he's a PRACTICAL/DOER man, not a thinker or feeler; which means he's emotionally immature & not good with dealing with anything emotional/feelings, like conflict (at which he's TERRIBLE at). On one hand he is very sociable, life of the party, center of attention (which i view as a selfish ego-boost); but on the other hand he is a NERD, VERY anti-social (eg with conflicts of any sort, big & small; he gets RUDE when things don't go his way); i think he thinks he's still a TEENAGER, as he seems not to have "grown up" from then - still self-centered, me-me-me, often moody, goes over-the-top with conflicts, demands to have things go his way, obsessed with destruction, etc.

For a man over 80 yrs, he's shameful. He just DOESN'T CHANGE!!!. Although i have FORCED him to learn some things about me & people, via our VIOLENT arguments in recent times, and my mental health issues (& threatening/attempting suicide during/after our arguments (& once threatening to get a gun & shoot him) & being hospitalized the odd time). It has to be BIG & OBVIOUS & REPETITIVE for him to learn, to DRUM it into his tiny/dumb/dysfunctional brain, not subtle.

Him (& mum) have friends & relatives who visit, and he puts on his best-behavior front, and things are fine. But that's not his TRUE self (which i see often), and so does mum (who accepts him as he is & has learnt not to be a doormat like in the past, but to stick up for herself against his tyrannical ways (he used to beat her into submission early in marriage)). He really is a PATHETIC & WIERD little old man.

Basically, he's just a DUMB father. He has got SO MANY flaws, all contributing to form a REALLY UGLY MAN. He's all about DESTRUCTION of anything he can get his hands on - that's his main driving force. I would have been WAY better off had i had NO FATHER AT ALL.

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Some more major flaws which i haven't mentioned as yet. He bases his actions & decisions on immediate urges/impulses (ie he's an impulsive-driven man, & therefore a "DANGEROUS" man). He seldom applies logic. For instance, for decades, when he & mum were broke & borrowing from the bank, he would go and buy a really expensive "toy" (eg new motor for boat, new car); WHY? Because he FELT like it & he COULD (there was money in the bank, but it was borrowed)!!! How INSANE is that??? How CHILDLIKE is that??? He's a MAN-CHILD!!!
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And he SWINGS from being/feeling 100% totally in-control (& the "boss", & pleasant/etc), to sudden, violent, unpredictable anger outburst (totally out-of-control, really rude & nasty). So he's a JEKYLL'n'HYDE father. And when he's in either state, he's so completely consumed by it, that he's TOTALLY unaware he has the other side. It's no fun constantly living in fear of his Mr Hyde. He has a MAJOR, SERIOUS undiagnosed PERSONALITY COMPLEX here, but most people can't see it, maybe as he almost always HIDES it from people. But there are a number of people who have suffered at the hands of his Mr Hyde, but they probably just think he's a feisty a$shole, that's all; but people, it's FAR MORE SERIOUS than that!!! I KNOW!!! I've had to deal with it MY WHOLE LIFE, and i've been SERIOUSLY DAMAGED by it/him!!!

Overall, what a COMPLETELY PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A MAN/FATHER!!! He's a LOSER!!! A JOKE!!! (but of course due to his HUGE ego, he thinks he's "The Man", a "man's man", leader of the pack, top of the pecking order, & various other B*LLSHIT, etc, etc, etc)

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I think, due to writing in this thread, I am FINALLY realizing the TRUTH about him, that he IS a B*STARD/etc (all the other things i've called him). I don't know why, but through my entire life, i've believed that he is the polite/etc Dr Jekyll, but has a bit of a temper & is a bit of a control-freak (& likes to dominate) & is rather possessive/territorial & (etc). But now i'm starting to realize that he's actually MORE the Mr Hyde than Dr Jekyll; it's just that for MOST of the time he's his Dr Jekyll, and so i have viewed him as primarily Dr Jekyll (polite, personable, good conversationalist, agreeable, does good deeds, etc). But i was wrong. I (& all others) have been DECEIVED by him my entire life, and that's exactly what his Dr Jekyll wanted to do - to DECEIVE, to HIDE his alter-ego Mr Hyde (as much as humanly possible). In another words, he's like The Great Deceiver (Satan).

Last edited by theslowesthand; 03-11-2018 at 04:51 AM.
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Why do you think he's the reason you're the way you r? i'll pray for you and you can definitely get through this.

yes God created the universe in an organized way and the provider, the vine and the branches Scripture, the living water and then there's Satan the devil but your father is not Satan, he is influenced by Satan, Satan is working in and through him in ways in which perhaps your father was treated previously and has those weaknesses but we have to be on God's side, the winning team where God works in and through you through his Word and through the Holy Spirit's impression he guides you, and through God, you can transform others b/c he is the highest.

Last edited by lily; 03-11-2018 at 03:46 PM.
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