how my SA developed...

I am an immigrant from Bosnia who moved to the US at the age of two. my parents worked all day long, almost never saw them.. they didn't have many friends... I remember looking out the window at kids playing on the street, they never let me, said it was dangerous, so... I started kindergarten... that was really nice... I think I fitted in.. didn't cry for my mom or anything... but I still remember being kinda shy about my roots... I told my mom to call me britney around the kids lol My name is Marijana.... then I was with the cool kids in the first three years of school. wasn't the main one.. but was ambicious.. sometimes exploated.. did have friends.. then we moved back to Bosnia... and It was very hard for me to fit in!!!!! learn the language, a whole different mentality... so I was interesting to them at first, but then that grew to jelousy, not saying I blame them if I had the skills I would've gained some friends.. I was the nerd... didn't really wanna socialize either.. I always followed this girl, she told me what to do, b****, I decided to stop hanging out with her... lol then came the best summer of my life.. I was 14.. exactly the time to leave all the bad stuff behind and mature a little.. as i did in a way... I was very funny, whitty, then I started fearing( I guess from before trauma) that I couldn't do it anymore, and than I didn't ... two and a half years have passed since then.. I've had some hypochondric attacks... I had headaches for three months every single second, everybody thought I had cancer... then I grew out of my ocd I had, thankfully. then I realized my real problem SA and my ocpd... when u want everything perfect, but I guess all SA ers have that... and it's not that I want everything perfect, I want it to reach my full potential... the one I had that summer! I feel chained... sometimes even cursed.. but it will lead nowhere to thinking I'm cursed.. so I'm about to start CBT... hopefully I will get outta this vicious cycle, but I 'm not maturing and realizing shit I should and I don't know who I am... my docs saying that it will come with maturity and CBT... it makes me feel stupid.. but I was never stupid.. not just because of my grades, but because of fitting in and having all As in when I just came from the US to bosnia... I'm socially stupid... the anxiety makes me look stupid...I'm lost.. don't know how to get outta the vicious circle... any advice... I do expose myself.. but I just have no thoughts, not even when I 'm chatting over the net...
I guess I want to be the best cuz when u don't have anything and r always badly treated u always wanted to prove them wrong,be the best, just like Julien Sorel in The Red and Black... and me wanting that will never allow me.. whether or not I have the qualities.. or maybe I just don't have the qualities... maybe I'm a hermit...

You don't have to be a hermit if you don't want too. Self fufilling prophocey. Anyway, I think my SA started because i was subconcious about the stuff i wear when i was a kid, i mean my parents didn't work at all. We were on welfare, and I didn't get a lot of clothes. I ended up going through middle school with wearing only 2 sweaters and jeans. Seriously, that's all i had to wear, thank god all that changed a bit when i got into highschool. I think if i had to wear those 2 sweaters again. I'll be more insane than i am today... You know i think I blame our parents for not being good parents, the majority of our development was because of them. Neglection, abuse, poor parenting skills... Idk. As i'm not too sure on a lot of things.

in some ways, i agree with what your doctor said...you'll grow out it as you mature. but i also see a level of awareness in you, thats allowing you to beat yourself into the ground; self defeating, so to say. i can understand the move you made from the States to Bosnia. I moved from the States to Ukraine and felt so out of place, it took a while for me to realize, that it was that environment change that was causing me to feel detached. i think people call it, culture shock. having moved from the States to Bosnia, i am sure you have a level of appreciation for simple things, like hot water and electricity, that the kids around you, have no idea about. and with you having come from the States, you see things completely differently, and have a level of awareness, that the kids around you dont have. instead of looking at whats happening to you as something bad, try and look at it like a learning experience. the teenage years are some of the most difficult years to live through because, your growing both physically and emotionally, and with you having to go through the "culture shock" on top of that, it's only adding to your difficult years. and it may take a while for the culture shock to wear off...does that make any sense?

yes, but of been in bosnia for more than six years now, so I think the culture shock has warn off should've put that in my PM... a like the part about self defeating, very encouraging, thx... but all my life I've stayed a potential, I don't want that anymore... I wanna be the result of potential... thx a lot for your posts...

chained said:

yes, but of been in bosnia for more than six years now, so I think the culture shock has warn off should've put that in my PM... a like the part about self defeating, very encouraging, thx... but all my life I've stayed a potential, I don't want that anymore... I wanna be the result of potential... thx a lot for your posts...

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isn't that we all want, to have some potential or to leave something meaningful in this world. Before we turn into dust in the ground?

chained said:

yes, but of been in bosnia for more than six years now, so I think the culture shock has warn off

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and that may be "very" true...but, look how young you were when you moved. not to mention you were in school, surrounded by kids who probably never moved at all in their lives.

i was in my 30's when i moved. i was able to understand the shock a little better but, thats not saying it didnt have its lasting emotional effects. i still feel those effects today...more than 10 years after the fact.

recognizing that emotional effect, may take longer for someone younger.

example...if you look at the effects of PTSD...it can take years for the individual to recognize their emotional suffering...and culture shock is a form of stress.